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CRY FOR HELP
August 23, 2006
12:13 pm
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sisley
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cry for help Okay, am new at this,but a friend gave me the website and i thought i might try. My problem is simalir to ones ive read already. I was raped last november by a guy who was going to purpose to me,i had been with him for a year,and i thought i loved him. He disappered for 5 months and his friend told me he was away with his father on busniess and his father was not letting him talk to anyone while he was away.(stricted fmily and upbringing) Anyway he came back,things got better then i met a really nice guy threw my friends and i started to talk to him,and broke up with my then boyfriend. My ex went crazy came to my house begging me to take him bck,anyway my mistake i got in his car and he raped me. i was hospitlzed for couple complcations do t the fact i was raped. Anyway couple months go by and i found out he was never away with his father he was in jail for stealing street bikes and also he has a family he's married with a child. So i stayed focused on my new realtionship.So this new realtionship just ended it's been almost a yr ..in nov...and well everything was perfect with him,then i went away on a family holiday for A BLOODY WEEK!!!! and when i came back my now ex started acting little werid just really distant and different,anyway ive been back a month now,and he broke up with me for no reason last week.. i was devastated gutted,heart broken! Anyway come to find out he was cheating me on,and found a girl while i was away who he works with..(sorta) who isnt in town a lot and doesnt want commiment ..i rang him to try and talk things out and he picked up(which is very strange) and then i heard her voice.. in the bed we baught together..his money but we as a couple picked it out..and now i cant get that thought out of my hed her in his bed. and now i think i might be pregnat..i wont know until i miss my period.. but i;ve just lost hope for everything. I have NO NO NO self esstem and i attacts this assholes because of it. and i've thought more then once about killing myself. I cant concintract i just started a new job and its effecting it.and i just cant get him out of my head. i dont know what to do! But i cant bare the thought of being alone,i mean that just kills me ..i hate the thought...if i had my way i just stay home and cry all day.. am only young 22 but i am so scred of being alone..what do i do?

August 23, 2006
12:44 pm
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StronginHim77
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Did you prosecute that guy for raping you?!!! I hope you did. He committed a FELONY.

OK. No more thoughts about killing yourself. And let's hope you are not pregnant. That would be alot to deal with, on top of this guy betraying you with a new girlfriend.

Your pain is very real. It is TERRIBLE to be dumped by someone you have such deep feelings for. You are battling alot of depression which is normal, following any kind of break-up or loss of an important relationship. However, if you continue to feel desperate enough to take your own life, you need to get help RIGHT AWAY. Contact a local suicide hotline and/or a therapist who can help you through this time of crisis. You WON'T feel like this, a few months from now, so don't cave in because of what this guy did to you.

You said you are "scared of being alone." That is caused by something called "codependency." I would like to encourage you to continue reading alot of these threads, as we talk about our codependency, alot. (Many of us are codependent.) We have all posted about it alot, in order to help us understand our problems and try to overcome them.

I will see if I can dig up some recent postings about it and paste them on this thread, to help you.

Keep talking with us. We are here to listen and to help, any way we can.

= Strong

August 23, 2006
12:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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sisley -

OK. I found it. Going to re-post it. Hope this helps you.

StronginHim77
15-Aug-06

Hmmm.....guess we are going to have to define "codependent." Where does one draw the line between supporting/encouraging our SO (significant other) in a normal, "healthy" way and "enabling" them or interacting in an UNHEALTHY way?

Here's my personal (not textbook - just Strong's own criteria) guideline:

1. If I am only happy, secure and peaceful when my SO is happy, kind toward and pleased with me, I am probably codependent.

2. If I put my own basic needs, (health, rest, safety, etc.), second to my SO's, I am probably codependent.

3. If I am willing to compromise my values or belief system to keep, please or accommodate my SO, I am probably codependent.

4. If I tolerate behavior which is verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually abusive from my SO, rather than lose him/her, I am probably codependent.

5. If I remain in a relationship with someone who demonstrates self-destructive or toxic behavior because I believe my "love" will fix or change that person, I am probably codependent.

6. If all my time, energy and thoughts are centered on "damage control" of the toxic SO in my life, I am probably codependent.

7. If I am afraid to be alone, I am probably codependent.

There is nothing wrong with standing by and/or supporting our SO in a healthy way. That is what marriage is all about: helping one another to meet our individual goals and achieve our dreams, both personal and as a couple. But if we cross the line into unhealthy interaction, (such as I tried to describe above), we need to step back...not just from the relationship, itself, but also giving ourselves a "Time Out" for self-examination, reflection, discovery and recovery. We need to learn what has CAUSED us to be codependent.

August 23, 2006
2:28 pm
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thumkin
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Sorry for butting in but how do you find out what caused you to be co-dependent? Like I wasnt raised in an alcoholic family or really an abusive family. I had a father who may be the reason I am co-dependent, but in knowing this it doesnt help on what to do as the next step. For example if I just try to stop doing the things you listed above will things be different? Will I get better? Will I have to leave that boyfriend? Can we still be together?

August 23, 2006
4:04 pm
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CAMER
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sisley, first wait patiently and see if you get your period, you may NOT be pregnant. Time will tell, as for the 1st bf, you should have taken him to court for rape, esp with him putting you in the hospital, and being married to another woman with a child too!! not good on his part.

As for bf #2, he is no good, build yourself up, build up your self esteem, love yourself more, get some great books by Melody Beattie and Robin Norwood on Codependency, and just know you are not alone.

Keep reaching out and posting
(((camer)))

August 23, 2006
5:04 pm
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StronginHim77
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thumkin-

I didn't learn anything about codependency, until I started coming to these support threads. Then I read CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beatty. Took me time to understand HOW I got this way (an emotionally unavailable parent). Learning about myself and what made me this way was my first step toward recovery. I don't think anyone recovers from codependency overnight. It is a process. I take it one day at a time, one decision at at time, one choice at a time. For today, I CHOOSE not to call my abusive, alcoholic ex. For today, I CHOOSE not to accept a date from someone who has a substance abuse problem, no matter how brilliantly he hides it. For today, I CHOOSE to stay home alone in the evening with a good book without feeling lonely. I am learning that I can be OKAY without a man in my life. And I will not settle for an abusive or emotionally unavailable man, (such as an alcoholic or addict or someone with a personality disorder), just so that I won't be alone. I am getting over my deep fear of being alone...of being abandoned or rejected.

The good news is that we CAN recover and move on to lead healthy lives with healthy relationships. My peace increases every day. I am beginning to relax and feel happy again. It is taking time, but it is happening. It is DO-able.

- Strong

August 23, 2006
5:15 pm
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thumkin
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Strong - thankyou for your answer and your time. But I have another question. Does being an alcoholic make someone emotionally unavailable? My b/f is not abusive and he doesnt seem emotionally unavailable but maybe I am missing something and dont know what that is or how to tell if someone is emotionally unavailable. Am I emotionally unavailable?

August 24, 2006
3:07 am
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sisley
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Thank's so much everyone,it is helping me talking to you guys but,things is.. i couldnt do anything about the guy raping me.. well i didnt think i could..i live in a muslim country...i am not muslim i moved here about 2 yrs ago. Money i everything here.. and i even said to my ex the first guy who raped me..that i would call the police.. and he said so what i will just get my father to pay them money to get me out like they did the first time...and it would have been a whole big ordeal,and i wasnt a virgin the first so that would have come into play in this country..and i might have been deported..because you have to be married to have sex and/or a family.. and that comes ot second thing,IF i am preg,then i either have to leave the country and my family and go live with my moms family i think or move back home..which i doubt i will or i would be a wealth fare... or marry my ex and then pretend to be with him for a couple months until i have the baby then divorce him.Or we would both be in trouble..And as for seeing a therapist i am not sure where i would find one here...and i have an apointment to see a doctor but i cant start any meds if i am depressed until i know for sure if i am preg and i cant tell the doctor anything or he could tell the police.. and about being codep,my friend who sent me this website said thats what i might be,but i mean i dont have anthing in my past that would make me like that,i mean i am not close with my family at all.. i mean i rarley speak or see my father..i use to be a daddys girl when i was younger,but not anymore..he drinks alot and we are just too much a like we clash..i am him but a girl verison in every way.. and i am semiclose with my mother i only recently told my mother about being raped and i just wanted her to be here for me and instead she was angery i didnt tell her sooner?HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

August 24, 2006
10:24 am
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mamacinnamon
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Sisley:

I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry your mom took the rape w/ anger. Maybe, from a mom's view, maybe she was angry that you didn't feel you could go to her sooner. I'm not excusing her behavior; just maybe a viewpoint. It must have really hurt her that you were raped and that you took it all on yourself. Again, not excusing her behavior, maybe just another viewpoint.

As for the being codependent. A father you rarely speak w/ and a mom that blows up when you need support. Honey, I'm not a doctor, but I'd say codependent is along these lines. I didn't have a bad childhood either, but I am codependent. I think it's called a functionally disfunctional family. That's what we, my sis and I, refer to our family like. Maybe you can relate in those terms.

I suggest the Codependent No More book as well. It will make sense once you get into it.

As for the pregnancy. Try not to fret until that period is missed. How long have you to wait? Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day have enough trouble of its own. It's called one day at a time.

Do keep posting and browsing thru the threads.

Glad you are here.

August 24, 2006
10:25 am
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mamacinnamon
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Strong:

Great list. Very easy to understand and apply to one's self.

August 26, 2006
2:47 am
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sisley
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Thank's so much for everyone writting back and trying to help,i am just trying not to stress a lot because stress can make your body all out of whack and miss your period also. But it's so hard,when all i do is think about ex,i cried again last night,i know i know,he's not worth it,but i don't know why this one got under my skin? I am trying to go out and forget bout him,but i go with my friend's i still think about we always go to places he use to take me,just limited places to go and have fun. The other night i went out and i thought i saw him,and i don't know if it because i am pregnate or just under stress but i feel really sick all the time,just this feeling in the pit of my stomach and the back of my thorat,and when i thought i saw him,i was almost sick on the floor at the night club.what doe that say. Okay i might be codep but how do i know,i mean how would i work over this...? If i am pregnate i have NO IDEA how i am going to tell my parent's after the reaction i got out of my mother for something terriable that happened to me,when i need her shoulder. I don't know how she is going to handle this disappointment? Her sister got preg when she was younger ,and i had a scare,when i first started having sex,and had no idea what i was doing of course and they were completely supportive about it. Just now i'm worried because of where we live,i thik they would keep me here until i start to show a lot then makeme go live with my mum family in the uk,and have the baby in the uk. I just wish my ex would talk to me about it,i mean i have to know waht he thinks about (if i am) me being pregnate,i have NO IDE what his thoughts on it. I would raise the child christian (he is muslim) he is darked skinned and i am light so i mean i am sure if i am pregnate the baby will look like him ,which will kill me beacuse i dont think there is any reconcileation thoughts in his mind,but who knows. He scared of commiment he said he didnt love me nor did he EVER want to get married..to me to anyone.. never... which hurt a lot when we were together..anyway i have to wait till the start of next month so todays the 26th so almost 2 weeks.. my breast are still very tender ,which is normal when i have my period but not this early they have been like this for almost a month now,someone said they might be growing but i am women in her mid 20's no way could they be growing..only way is if i am prego. What do you guys think of everything? what would you guys do?

August 26, 2006
7:45 am
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sisley
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Had my period!!! But i still have this strange feeling that something is wrong,i was preg once,and i still had my period?Do you think i should still test ,i have a friend who had her period just shorten each month until it was only one day and then she was 4 months preg?

August 26, 2006
9:23 am
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StronginHim77
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sisley -

I am sure you are not pregnant. Take a deep breath and relax. You are NOT pregnant. That is your Fear talking, OK?

- Ma Strong

Thumkin -

Yes...I think most alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. I believe many of them TRY to relate to those closest to them, but it is rather hard for them. Let's face it: no one can be emotionally sensitive to others when he/she is three sheets to the wind. It's just not possible. Also, many alcoholics drink to numb their inner, emotional pain. Someone loaded with emotional burdens and pain is not very well equipped to meet the needs of others around him/her.

= Strong

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