Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Crossroads
November 8, 2005
8:34 pm
Avatar
just2be
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am on my way too...I had fallen off the beaten path for a while...Feeling secure that I had learned enough about this whole "codependency thing," only to find out that I'm still lost. I can relate to a lot of you in regards to your family: the dysfunction, the lashing out in anger, hurtful words and, for myself, distancing myself from them. For me, I have decided to distance myself from the toxic relationships that my mother and father are only capable of providing at this point. While it has been difficult, it has been nice to "be away" for the past couple years or so. However, it is not without its emotional repercussions. The reason I bring all of this up is the weight that decision has brought upon me. Years ago, a fellow codependent had told me that they had completely distanced themselves from their family. At that time, I could not fathom how in the world one could do such a thing. As time passed and I became stronger, I also became bolder and began to stand up for myself and walk my own path. That is when I had to distance myself in order to keep my sanity. Well, that is a double-edged sword. Here I am now, my mother's birthday looming (tomorrow) and my children, her grandchildren (one brand new in September) have had nothing to do with her because she and I aren't capable of civility. I'm at a crossroads...Unsure of my next move in the chess match I call my life.

Thanks for letting me bend your ear (or eyes, as the case may be).

Just2be

November 8, 2005
8:46 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Just2be: Yeah the family is hard to deal with, for sure. My mother and I haven't ever had a good relationship- in fact I didn't speak to hear for at least 8 years. Don't really know how long- didn't keep track, but I sure was happier then. Now we speak, and of course there were never any discussions or apologies for what had happened. Just tonight she called again and asked me to spend Thanksgiving w/ them. And again I said no. I haven't spent it w/ them for many years and she has ruined so many of them for me that I just can't see it. I'd rather stay home alone w/ Sara Lee and Marie Callender. So now I'm feeling guilty and really have no reason to feel that way. she is toxic and manipulative and I am better off keeping my distance.

November 8, 2005
9:01 pm
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just2be i wish you weren't going through this. I have 4 older brothers, who constantly picked on me, who made me slave around for them and also made me sit there and use me as a punching bag during their agro fustrations. Their crap didn't stop, even after i got married, they couldn't handle that another man had me.

I never mentioned the physical abuse to my hubby but the mental and emotional abuse i endured all these years, my hubby was the only person i ever ever ever cried to about it, there were times when i couldn't sleep. Over the years, their kids got alot older and my bros melowed but by that time i had distanced myself from them so badly that i only saw them about twice a year. Not knowing this at the time, i was also being emotionally abused and manipulated by my hubby.I left behind my family to be around his wonderful lifestyle. He would say to me "you couldn't make your bro's happy, your disrespecting me the same way you disrespected them?" "you don't what men think,what they need!"

Just2be, i started to believe him. I started to believe that i lacked a chemical to connect with men.I submitted my life,my dignity,my pride,myself as a person to this man. But when i found out about his drugs,gambling,alcohol,lies etc it suddenly hit me. My bros treated me like crap as a result of a very destructive and dysfunctional upbringing (my parents i hated as well) and my hubby in turn took advanatge of me. BUT the first people who cried for me and came to rescue me when they heard i was having problems...MY FAMILY...YES...MY BROS!

You see no matter what one day they will love you,in my case their love is ruthless,controlling and domineering. Please put up with your mum at least once a fortnight. I'm sure your kids aren't going to suffer emtionally if they see your parents once a fortnight. And i really feel you should just go 2mrw to see your mum. My mum is crazy, but i still love her, she is a negative thinker and speaker,but i still listen to her (with the shits offcourse), at the end of the day i go home and thank god that i played my part and now i can relax unitl the next time. I still don't see my bros as often, deep down i can't stand them,but they tried to show they care,in fact every man around me has abused me.

Hope this helps honey...i'm sorry if it feels i'm forcing you to do something. In the end it's your heart thats hurting so regardless your heart will guide you. Goodluck 🙂

Mystified xoxoxo

November 8, 2005
10:02 pm
Avatar
just2be
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The problem with seeing my mother is that I don't trust her to behave and not talk garbage behind my back to my children--she's already threatened it. I have tossed around the idea to lay down some ground rules, meeting at a mutual location, and only meeting with her (mom & dad are divorced & her boyfriend fuels this feud). And, yes, I realize that my mother would be there for me should I need someone, but unfortunately it is unhealthy. She doesn't want me to succeed--has already admitted to it--down right accused me of bragging (to my own mother) about looking into getting into a new home (for our large family). She's very sick. She would be there, in her "powertrip" and deep down would be thrilled that I'm not happy, so that she could once again fill that void. It's an extremely toxic relationship and I've learned over the years, it just has to be handled so carefully. Trust me, I would be right there to be with the mom I wish she really was, but the reality is that she's not and I can't expect her to be that way. I know I'll be ready to try it on for size sometime soon...

just2be

November 8, 2005
10:07 pm
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Like i said Just2be, your heart will help you realise what is best for you and for your kids. I'm here for you with or without going to see your mama.

xoxoxoMystified

November 8, 2005
10:34 pm
Avatar
just2be
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, Mystified...

I appreciate it. 🙂 Just too scary for me to seriously seriously consider without feeling backed up into a corner and wanting to fight or fly up out of there.

just2be

November 8, 2005
11:37 pm
Avatar
EJ
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Just

My mom's a real piece of work, too. I found gay porn on my (soon-to-be ex) husband's computer, and she suggested that I turned him gay!!!:)

I simply cannot discuss my personal life with her. She has nothing but horrible advice and criticism to offer me. I talk to her once in a while, but keep things very superficial: "I'm fine, the kids are fine, boy it's sure rained a lot"

She'd like to pry into the juicy details of my life - she's an insufferable gossip - but I don't bite.

I have no advice to offer - just insight into one way to handle a nutjob family member.

Good luck,
Love EJ

November 9, 2005
9:54 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My mom and I are close - maybe too close? I don't get love, attention or approval from my dad, so perhaps I go overboard on getting it from my mom...and she gives willingly because she is also neglected.

But - I made a HUGE step recently. Not only have I "detached" from her and my dad - despite the close proximity of our homes (we share a wall in a duplex apartment complex - #8 ) - so we are close.

But this week I declared bankruptcy - and she knows NOTHING about it. In the past, she knew everything about me, my relationships, my life. She knows nothing these days. Also, I am job hunting - she knows I went on one interview, she knows nothing now.

I love my mom - but there is a time when all kids have to cut the apron strings and stand on their own.

And another thing - I would have to go find the quote - but richard bach wrote something in one of his fiction books about family and friends and the ties that bind...and often, you are bound by family - but NOT obligated. Yes, she raised you - and while you were a child, you were obligated to alot - but as adults, we are not. And you have yourself, your mental health and your children to consider above your relationship with your family. If it's not healthy, don't feel guilty for not participating.

November 11, 2005
12:22 am
Avatar
just2be
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"And another thing - I would have to go find the quote - but richard bach wrote something in one of his fiction books about family and friends and the ties that bind...and often, you are bound by family - but NOT obligated. Yes, she raised you - and while you were a child, you were obligated to alot - but as adults, we are not. And you have yourself, your mental health and your children to consider above your relationship with your family. If it's not healthy, don't feel guilty for not participating."

Damn...perfectly said, thank you.

Just2be

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information