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crisis in my marriage
February 14, 2001
4:02 am
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Pollyan
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I sincerely agree that you should not bring up the issue of the past affair.
I didn't say that you should nor do I want you to think I implied that.

In your original posting you stated
that your husband had an affair two years ago,and things have not been the same. That statement says a lot.
Whatever problems exisited in your marriage two years ago may still exisit and the problems have actually never been resolved. In fact maybe they have been left alone so long they have fistered.

It's very difficult for a man and women to resolve issues such as infidelity. I think we pretend all is well but deep within their is a tremendous amount of pain and a lot of other issues such as guilt. It is rather evident to me your marriage has been spirialing out of control ever since or before that affair occured.

I also noticed in your postings that you mentioned that your husband feels,
like he has failed you, feels like he he's not good enough for you, feels like he can't make you happy. Could he also be feeling guilty? Could he be feeling that he is not good enough as a husband? Why are these feelings standing out for him? What needs to recognized?

He shuts down, he withdraws, as if he is afraid of happiness. Why is he afraid of happiness? Does he feel like he doesn't deserve happiness,
is he punishing himself? You mentioned he had an unhappy childhood...was happiness in his youth denied or was he punished because he had broken the so called rules. Could he possibly be doing that to himself now? You said he has a problem and just doesn't realize it. I think your right.

He needs to bring himself back to reality. I agree with that statement.
Something is lurking in the shadows of this marriage and it needs to be addressed before it's to late. My best advice is to seek marriage counseling.

February 15, 2001
11:39 am
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lisa78640
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I have been married for 9 years and 2 weeks ago my husband asked me for a divorce. You could have knocked me over with a feather after that. I know that we have problems but I did't think it was that bad. He was in a serious accident in 94 and has never been the same. The doctors think that he has suffered many mini-strokes but nothing too serious. He has many medical problems and is in pain all the time. I have endured all of these things and then some. Some of my friends think that I am crazy for putting up with his mood swings and everything else he has put me threw. They don't understand that I made an oath to him and to God in my wedding vows. He has since said that he doesn't know what he wants. He says he doesn't want to leave, did I mention we have 3 small childred 2,6,8 and a child from my previous marriage age 14, but he acts like he doesn't want to be there either. We both work. He works nights and I work days. This makes it almost impossible for us to have any time together. He takes his pay check and does what he wants with it. I take my pay check and pay the bills and buy the groceries and clothe the children. I also pay his health insurance. I don't make much 350.00 weekly, and yet I do so much with so little. I don't know what to do. I have thought of filing for divorce first and give him the push he needs, but then again we have been through so much for so long I don't know who will take care of him when he ends up in surgery for his medical condition. He has always relied on me for everything. I don't know what to do. I am up for suggestions.
lisa

February 16, 2001
7:21 am
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janes
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IT is good you take your oath seriously. But he took those too. I assume they were the standard one-love, honer sickness and health good times and bad.

Well. the way I see it you hae certainly honoered your side of the oaths...but if you are doing all the support you are being let down enormously.

See if he will seek counseling with you etc. IF not....hopefully you have greta kids that you can get onto to a gret life with.

None of yyou to stick around with someone so selfish.

I am all for trying to make it work...but remember it takes TWO to do that and if he isn't interested why should you continue to support him the way you do?

February 16, 2001
8:58 am
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lisa78640
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To: azianqt
I hope I did't step on your toes by posting my problem with my husband on you postings but you seem to be getting some good advice I just thought that I could get some of that advice my way. I am very new to the cyber world.

To Janes:

You are right on so many levels. My friends think so too. I am very committed to my husband and family. My husband did't even acknowledge Valintines day. I got him a real soft teddy bear and a couple of cards and in return "NOTHING". I know that he is having a hard time dealing with the news that he has probably had another minor stroke. He is still working but I can see this job ending this year. I need some idea on how to wake him up to the fact that he is really hurting me. I don't know if he is doing this intentionally or if he just doesn't realize what he is doing. I have tried to talk to him about the way I feel. He just seems to shut down. I thought at first he was having an affair, but now I just don't know. I feel like I an caught between a rock and a hard place. I know that I can't ask him to leave because that would destroy our children. He loves the children very much. He says he loves me but you couldn't tell by the way he treats me.
help......

February 16, 2001
10:39 am
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azianqt
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You definately did not step on my toes by posting your problem on my thread....Advice is great for me cause it gives the courage to do what I need to do...I need that sometimes cause my husband lacks in the emotional and attention field sometimes...I know that I love my husband deeply and now I think sometimes it's more than I can cope with...I feel like my marriage is alot of me giving and him not giving anything in return...But I have vowed my life to him and I will be there until we both know that it's over...

About the post from the other day...I think that maybe your husband is in deep depression from everything that he is going through...Maybe he does still love you but feels like he has nothing to offer you....My husband feels like that sometimes and I think that is why we get in bad spells....I tell him often that he has alot to offer me and I love him for that...My husband is one that needs a lot of praise for things that he does...Not to make that sound bad...He is a very hard working man and is very to determine to accomplish things...I try to be very supportive of him but sometimes it's not enough and he shuts me out....He thinks that he fails at lot of things when they dont turn out as expected...He is a good person the inside somewhere...Have you just tried to sit him down and talk with him about everything...How tired are you of the situation??...Are you holding on to something that you want to be there that is not??...As you can read from my postings my husband has been undecided for almost 2 years now...But I'm determined now more than ever to give everything I have to the marriage and when I have nothing else to give then I know that it's truly over but at least I know that I gave it all that I could...I took my husband for granted long before he had the affair...I always thought that he would be there no matter what and then he got out the military and went to school...That is where he met the other woman....I knew that something was wrong when we hardly spent time together, then he started coming home later and later...he said that he was going to hang out with people that I never heard him talk of...Then finally one day I got the phone call..I will never forget it...I was on my little girls birthday when the other woman's boyfriend called me and told me that his girlfriend and my husband were sleeping together...I got off the phone confronted my husband...Of course he denied it all and at that point I knew that something was wrong...Cause a few weeks later her boyfriend called again and said that if I dont believe him that I could find them at her friends house...So my sister drive me out there and there he was sitting on the porch with...I was devastated and not to mention I was 8 months pregnant at the time...I thought that it was the end of my life...I had a hard time trying to make ends meet with just 2 kids...It is definately something that I never want to live through again...But we decided in the end that it would not be fair to the kids if we didnt give it another try...So here I am now still trying to keep our marriage together 2 years later...I've gotten alot of feedback from friends and family that I should have never come back...After a man as broken the trust then it's like that forever...I think that I have forgiven him totally for it yet but I think that in time I will..Marriage is just hard...It's harder than working an actual job where you get paid...But dont be afraid to venture out in the real world alone...If you look at it some ways you are already alone and making it....Dont get me wrong though I'm all about fighting for a marriage...You cant make somebody feel something that they dont but you can always pretend to try and hold on but that is just worse in the end for everybody....Sit down and talk with him...Tell him how you really feel...Sometimes it just takes putting your foot down....I wish you the best of luck cause it's never easy...

February 16, 2001
10:41 am
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azianqt
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I want to thank everyone for a helping hand in giving me advice...In some way everybody has contributed to me to see the light that I need to...It has also given me the courage to be strong....Again I want to thank everybody...By all means this does not mean that I will stop writing cause I'm problems are nowhere near fixed but hopefully I'm getting there... 🙂

February 16, 2001
4:02 pm
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lisa78640
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To: aziqngt

Thank you for your advice. I never looked at it like that before. I know that he is really depressed that he can't provide for our family like he would like to. Maybe that is why he treats me the he does. Maybe he thinks that I am stepping on his toes. Maybe he thinks that I am belittling him by taking on that responsibility. He says that I don't respect him. I don't know what to do to show him that I repect him. I try to keep the kids out of his hair while he sleeps on Saturday. I usually take them to the park or something. I keep the house clean and I am now trying to keep the yard clean too, because I know that he is having trouble doing that as well. Should I not take care of the yard and leave this job to him? I have taken everything on myself and having alot of trouble doing that. I am now starting get a little behind. I feel if I ask him for help that I have failed him in some way be not being able to it all my self. You seem to have alot of insight now. I appreciate your kind words and your questions. It got me to think about what might be going on in his head.
Please keep in touch. I enjoy talking to you.
lisa

February 17, 2001
12:04 am
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azianqt
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I was kinda in a situation like yours before...During the seperation that we had my husband had finished school and stopped working the job he had while he was in school...he thought that he was going to find a job pretty quick...but unfortunately he didnt...but even though we were seperated i was still there for him when he needed me...since he was not working...so i would not have to pay for daycare at the time he watched the kids during the day while i was working...I made $450 a week..I was trying to pay 2 car payments and the numerous bills that we had...it was a difficult time for us but we made it..it really put a strain on him cause there were so many things that he wanted to do...he couldnt provide for us at the time and i didnt make enough money to go around...another thing about my job was that i really hated it there but knew that i had to hang in there and one day it would all pay off...that is a position that i dont want to be in again...he finally found a good job making decent money...so then we decided to get our lives back together and give it another shot...we worked our butts off for the next year and bought a house...everything paid off in the end...cause now i'm able to be home with the children all day...our marriage was better than it ever had been when we first moved in then one he came home and just shut me out...now more than then i kinda know why he shuts me out but it's still complicated to understand...i'm trying to cope with the way that he is and the things that he goes through...his job is very stressful for him all the time...he is not much of a talker either so that does not make things any better between us...i love to talk all the time about everything and after the days that he has at work he is not in the mood for it...it kinda makes me feel like i'm alone but i guess that is when my sister and i got really close...she use to not like my husband for the things that he did to me and put me through...she is coming around now..well actually they both are now...which is definately a burden lifted from me cause i use to always feel like i was stuck in the middle between my sister and husband...but she is very good to me...she knows that we still have a hard time sometimes and she tries to be there for me when ever possible...she is alot easier to talk with now and i can even talk with her about him and she wont say negative things...which i'm thankful for cause that didnt make me feel any better...in case you havent notice i jump around subjects alot...i hope that does not confuse you cause it drives my husband crazy but i have always been like that and probably always will be like that...one thing that i did want to say to you is that...you need to think about you and those children of yours...of course think about your husband to but dont let him bring you down with him cause that makes things worse...just try to support him and be there for him as much as you can emotionally...maybe one day he will let you reach out to him and help him...guys have this ego thing that really makes me laugh cause they are human just like we are...they dont have to be strong all the time and think they have to do everything...some men are just to proud to admit there problems or even ask for help...there is nothing wrong with getting help that is what it is there for only if we could get them to understand...i hope that we can continue talking cause i enjoy talking with you also...so you keep in touch to... 🙂

February 17, 2001
12:46 am
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DONNIE
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My life is also simular too yours just maybe further along in the stages. I caught my husband meeting a woman 8 years ago. 2 years later he was calling a girl on a regular basis and stopping by to seek advice he said. Then he started having lunch and talking to a girl 5 to 7 times a day he would call her. Recently I knocked on a door that my child gave me the name to and there he was with his pants undone sitting on her couch. This is a person who says he loves me and want us to work these things out. They don't stop. And you know he never apologized to me for any of it. But he apologized to every one of them when I talked to them and confronted the situations. Only recently when I asked him to leave did he admit guilt and apologize. Then the next day he said it was all my fault and he now claims I imagine things he says he never did anything wrong he merely had a stomach ache and thats why he undone his pants. My child is 13 and I have been married for 16 years. My children say enough be strong and don't let him come back. Its hard I love him but enough is enough. As your children get older they know who was there for them and who wasn't and they see the pain. I'm actually afraid if I stayed and worked things out this would be teaching my children that they have to take the abuse. Because thats what it is mental abuse. I feel like I have done the best I can and nothing was ever good enough. I feel like less of a person. And I am not the person I once was. I need to find the old me and stop letting him blame me for his shortcomings. I want my children to see how it is supposed to be and how a man should treat a woman. Its like what they say about abusers and alcholics. Often children find themselves putting themselves in a life like their parents led. be careful that your children know that life should not be full of arguments and disappointments. There is someone out there who would appreciate and love us just like we are. And by Golly we deserve it. Thanks for hearing me out. I feel better!!!

February 18, 2001
1:16 pm
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lost soul
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Trust yourself Donnie, your man is definately a jerk. How can you tolerate his extreme nonsences. You have to live up to your own pride!

Kick him out of the house! he doesn't deserve someone like you. And stop making yourself such a victim!

Take care & god bless!

February 19, 2001
2:42 pm
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lisa78640
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To:azianqt

It is kinda of nice being able to discuss things that are going on in my like with someone who has no emotional attachment to the problem. It may help me understand what is going on. I truley do understand about jumping around from subject to subject. It really drives my husband crazy too. I sometimes think that he might be cheating because I have had a cheating spouse before and dropped him because of it. My x wasn't just with one woman but with 3 women at one time. I found pictures and a video tape of their escapades together is was sickening. I also know deep in my heart that my current husband wouldn't cheat on me. His brothers and mother both do not think he is cheating. They think as you do that he is very depressed. I now also believe that he is depressed as well. He has serious mood swings being caused by the constant pain he is in. This too would also cause someone to be depressed as well. He now has a project that he is working on. He is building himself a deerstand. He and his brothers are going in on a deer lease this year. I hope all these plans come true for him. When he is able to get a way for a little while he comes back feeling better. I sometimes envy him for being able to do so. I just can't leave my childred with just anyone. My mother can't handle my children for more than 2 hours, and my mother in law is in real bad health. If you think that we could exchange e-mail address let me know. This way we can talk a little better. I can give you my phone number or you can give my yours threw our e-mail address. I am not sure how the handle this. Any suggestions.
lisa

February 19, 2001
3:41 pm
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Helenof Troy
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I have read ALL of the postings and just can't understand WHY is it that women become so weak, vulnerable and end up the caretaker of any failing marriage? I know LOVE is grand but think of this..if someone disrespects you, discounts your feelings as a human, makes you feel like crap 99% of the time. Why stay? What is it in us that we feel compelled to stay with someone who totally undermines us as people?!! And the more chasing around the house you do to a man like that to make him commit,..the more they lose interest in you. This saddens me dearly as I myself once suffered the same type of dilemmas, however I've never been married with children. I feel for all of you who are going thru this and would just want to say one thing...RESPECT YOURSELF!! stay true to yourself, love yourself and believe that you deserve the very best respect AND not allow ANYONE to treat you like sh*%... I would love to suggest a discussion column of success stories of women who once was in a failed relationship/marriage finally woke up, picked up and left only to find that THERE IS a wonderful man waiting for them in the end. That would be so inpsiring for ALL OF US who are scared of venturing out into the world ALONE. I hope you girls find the strength within yourselves to make the right decision..and not one that will allow these men to continually treat you that way.

February 19, 2001
4:58 pm
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lisa78640
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TO: azainqt

If you contact allaboutcounseling.com and request my e-mail address they will be able to give it to you. I look forward to hearing from you.

February 20, 2001
8:34 pm
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azianqt
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Lisa I'm not sure how to request your email address from allaboutcounseling...unless i just send an email to the address that they give in the info section...if you can get my email address then request it and write me...hope to talk with you soon...

February 21, 2001
2:22 pm
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lisa78640
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Azianqt, I have contacted allaboutcounceling threw their e-mail address. They advised me that they had not heard from you yet and as soon as the do they will e-mail me with your e-mail address. How are things on the home front? Things for me are a little better. They always seem to get better for a little while and then he usually has a break down and shuts me out for a while. He seems to be doing better. My childred are doing well. On the last report card they all were A & B students. The baby starts school in March. He will start in a head start program for childred that are slow talkers. I think this will help him because he suffers from older sibling cindrum. If he is around other children maybe he will start talking. Well hope to hear from you soon.
lisa

February 21, 2001
5:43 pm
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azianqt
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Lisa...I have contacted them through email today...now i'm just waiting to hear back from them...things here are going well...i feel the same way as you do...things here get good for a while then he goes back in that eggshell...it drives me crazy but maybe now that we can talk about things (you and I) maybe that will help to deal with things at home and make it more pleasant...i hope to hear from you soon...

February 23, 2001
8:41 am
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lisa78640
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To Helen of troy

I have been married for 9 years I am not about to through 9 years of my life away. Marriage is alot of work and so are any relationships. You have to work at them to make them work. By wanting to try to work things out doesn't make me weak it makes me a strong person. I know that I will make it without him but I am going to do my best to make things work not just for me but there are 4 children at stake here. I know that should things end, I and my children will survive but wht put them through any unnessasary heartship. When there are children involved you should try to do everything you can to protect them in every way. Until you have children of your own it is very hard to understand what women with children go through to save their marriage. Don't take this the wrong way I just mean that it is very hard knowing that your actions affect the lives of so many. I mean this in a nice way not degrotory way. Please take care of yourself and grow the way God would want you to.
lisa

February 26, 2001
6:03 pm
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I guess it's kind of weird for me to reply here... being a guy - but I've had some recent problems, I guess even recurring problems that have been brought to light in the way I've treated a few of the women I've had relationships with.

I'm in my late 20's and (freshly) single, but I couldn't help but read this thread and wonder if this is the kind of guy/husband I'm going to turn into? I can only hope not.

I guess the big question is really figuring out what my deal is with not trusting women, and figuring out how to fix that.

To azianqt and lisa: - I wish both of you the best of luck.

March 1, 2001
11:23 am
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azianqt
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Charmedlife....I thank you for you wishing me good luck...My husband tells me that he does not trust woment either...As you've read from the thread we have been together for 8 years now and he still doesnt trust me...I mean he doesnt think that I would cheat on him or anything like that but it's hard from him to confide in me cause he cant trust women...I hope that maybe the road that you take will be much better but dont ever think that marriage is easy cause it's hard...When I was younger I had a different view of marriage...I'm 24 yrs old and I feel like I have seen somethings in my marriage that I thought I would never see..I'm still hanging in there and maybe my husband and I can have that happiness that we long for...It's not that we arent happy now but there are just some rough spots in our relationship that we need to smooth out...One day if we just believe we will get there...

Dont worry yourself if that is the kind of husband/guy that you are going to be cause you have read some stuff here...You are your own person and you can be what you want to be...There is someone out there that will take your breathe away and I hope that you know it when it hits you...You are young just as I am and we still have alot of exploring to do...I only learn from my mistakes...See if there is a pattern with the women that you date since you said that you cant trust women...maybe your answer is right there in front of you and you are just not grasping it...I wish you the best of luck also....

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