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crisis in my marriage
February 5, 2001
10:52 am
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azianqt
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I have been married for 6 years now and my husband and I have been on a very rocky road..He cheated on me about 2 years ago and things have not been the same since...We have tried to work things out for the sake of our 2 children...We decided to buy a house about 9 months ago cause things looked like they were going to turn around for us...We got in the house and were happier than we had ever been...But recently things seem to be going down the wrong road again...We had a huge fight on Saturday and he decided that we needed to take a break again...He said that he loves but he does not know how much he is in love with me...I have never stopped loving my husband or stop wanting to be with him the entire time that we have been together regardless of what we have been through...He feels like that he does not know if he is capable of giving what I need to be happy...I think that he is wrong but he does not believe me...I agreed to take a break with him...I'm going to stay with my sister for a few days to just let us clear our heads...I dont know how much good it will do...He wants to see if he will miss me if I leave or if his feelings for me are strong enough to put a fight up for the marriage...I'm not really sure how much more I can take of this...I already told him that he needed to make a decision because it's not just our lives that we are dealing with..If anyone has advice for me I would really love some right about now...

February 5, 2001
7:53 pm
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Molly
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I believe in fighting for the commitment, and using it to serve the immediate needs. You have children and a mortgage, those are two powerful tools. Think about the children, who gives a damn about the immediate needs, what about them? It will cause more damage than you can imagine, it will cause more financial hardship, and the guilt, you just don't know where that is going to take you. So unless he is beating you, unless he is an alcoholic, or drug addict, unless he is an unemployeed dead beat, go home and make him rise to the occasion of being a man. Drag his ass to church, to temple, to his parents, but what ever you do make him hold on to his family, and go home to your man, and work it out. It is not at all easier to move on, I don't care what anyone has told you.

February 5, 2001
9:22 pm
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lost soul
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Well, same story. Problems men! What happen to these men??? In the first place why do they commit themself into marriage?

February 6, 2001
7:14 am
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msg
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I second Molly.You should return to your hubby and make a good marriage. Let bygones be bygones.

February 6, 2001
8:31 am
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Karin
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Living the life of a 'yoyo' is not ideal...He loves me...now he doesn't. He wants me...now he doesn't. How can that be better than living with a drug addict, alcoholic, abuser or such? I don't understand.

February 6, 2001
10:22 am
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Sydney69
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I understand exactly what you are going through. I am going through the same thing except I have 1 child and he has 3. I have asked myself the same things you do and I always come up with the same thing. Why?? Believe it or not time is best thing. Dont' bring up divorce because once that question is in the air negativity is also. Be positive and let things roll off of your back. After all you need the time to think about things as well. Do you want to continue to go through this. Do you want you children to think this behavior is normal??? Who knows maybe you will be the one to make a decision.

February 6, 2001
2:10 pm
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azianqt
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My husband and I had a long talk last night...I told him that I was not leaving the house...I told him what if the problem reoccurs then what do I do leave again...I told him that I was tired of running from our problems...I said that we are both adults and can handle this the responsible way...If we can't make things better by giving it all that we have then we can call it quits...He told me one thing last night that really bothered me though...He told me that he likes to have alot of time to himself...He said that if we were dating and not living together then things would probably be great...I told him that we can't think about that now cause we dont have that option...But since he said that to me last night he makes it sound like there is no time for me in his life and it also sounds like me wants to be married when it's convient for him...How do I deal with that just give him space and try to be supportive as possible and hope that things will work themselves out????

February 6, 2001
3:10 pm
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Sydney69
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This is amazing. I have heard that before. Now I live 1500 miles away and things are better but issues are still there. In other words we do not argue as much. We just hang up on each other. How long have you been married and how old is he? The only thing that has been getting me through is reading the bible. I have never read it before and I am 27. It is very enlightening. The only thing that you have control of is yourself. Maybe once you do that and you get things straight then he will follow. It always seems like it is up to the woman to make things work and stay by the mans side. Like some sort of loyal lap dog and if that is the case then I choose to be a boxer.

February 6, 2001
3:37 pm
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azianqt
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I am 24 and my husband is 26...we have been married for 6 years and been together for 8 years...we have 2 girls..one is 3yrs old and the other 5yrs old...He feels like sometimes that he cant make me happy or that he is not capable of that...But I try to tell him that he is very capable of making me happy...Sometimes we go through really good times and then all of a sudden he just takes it all away from me for no reason and that is when we get in runts like this...I told him that I think that he is scared of true happiness cause when we seem like we are getting close for once then he shuts down...He has told me all about his childhood and it was not filled with a whole lot of happiness...I'm sure that has alot to do with how he is now also....

February 6, 2001
8:00 pm
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Molly
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This is just a guess, but how much do you have going on in your life for you? Is hubby sole source of entertainment? Are you trying to make all his time about you and the children? Balance for women in marriage is critical other wise they label us needy and co-dependent. How much time away from the family do you spend? Out side interests? We all need space to a degree. Not to get the idea, that either one of you can pick a night and go down to the local pub and knock back a few while observing fresh meat, but he needs male bonding and you need female bonding to take the pressure off both of you, then you enjoy each other more, and have things to bring to the table for discussion that is not a responsibility issue, like bills, house hold repairs, etc. Why don't you take a class? Something light or toward a goal that will allow you to do work when the children are older? Read the book by Mc Graw, relational rescue.

February 7, 2001
10:52 pm
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azianqt
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Sometimes I try to get out and do things with my sister or other friends...My sister and I are very close now...But the majority of my life revolves are my husband and kids...I just feel like I'm to busy sometimes to have a break...I was talking with my husband and sister about going back to school in the fall and maybe take a class but I'm not sure yet...I know that I really need to but I'm just scared about being into the school thing again...I hated school before and I'm not sure that I would like it the second time around even though college is a different environment....

February 8, 2001
8:22 pm
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Molly
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School is great, when we go back, trust old Molly here nothing to be fearful of. It is the one place where you get multiple rewards. Start slow though, take one easy class, its going to become something that you want more of. Social life, other people, rewards for efforts, so much more rewarding than making the bed. Just do it.

February 9, 2001
10:47 am
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ange
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Hi, this is my first time here, but already I feel like Im reading about myself. I sympathize with you completely. My husband just moved out last week, we have been married 5 years together 10 since we were 18. He moved out last year this time and came back after 3 months. However he still dosent feel its working. He never tried, he came back and wanted to pretend nothing happened. Now we are in the same boat again, he needs time, hes not sure what he wants. If im honest I can see, he wants to be single and run and do as he chooses yet, still keep me hanging on by saying he loves me hes just not sure, I get on his nerves etc. Yet he comes by when he chooses and wants to still be intimate when he wants. Its like he wants the best of both worlds. To date without the committment. Im sorry but were married now, we have a three year old daughter, its time to not be selfish! I honestly believe you should do all you can to save your marriage, but he refuses counseling, wont talk about anything, and says its none of my business what he does while hes gone. I just dont know where to go. I cant seem to let go, mentally I think I should, yet when I talk to him I find myself saying, please come back, Ill do anything. How are you dealing with this, any advice for me!!!! THanks for listening, I hope things work out for you as well!

February 9, 2001
1:24 pm
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Cici
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Yes, school is great. My Mom went back to school after having me at age 28, and she got a job that she feels very fulfilled in - nursing. She later (at age 48) went back to get her master's degree and now makes quite a bundle for a nurse. I think that if she hadn't done that, she would have been in terrible shape.

College IS differnt though. You have to have your own initiative (depending on if you go to a big or small colege). You don't turn in homework or anything, in my unversity it's all exams and papers.

February 9, 2001
2:34 pm
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azianqt
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Ange...our situations sound very similar...I think that the only difference is that I'm the one that always leaves my home with the kids and not him...With some advice from everybody that has responded especially Molly...I know now that I have to be strong and stick it out...I have to try everything in my power to keep my marriage together...After I know that I have done everything that I can and it is still not working then I will know that it's time to leave...I tell myself that I'm going to be strong and the sound of his voice just makes me give in...I give in to him to much and that is a big problem that I have...I see it now that I have nothing to lose cause I could leave and still lose him or I can stay give it all I've got and could possibly lose him anyway...Before you let your husband back into your life again you need to tell him that he has to decide what it is that he wants...Tell him that you are not a yoyo and you are not going to be treated like one...But you have to do what is best for you...Think about your daughter cause it's going to affect her the most...I was strong in the beginning (this is an on going thing with him it's been about 3 yrs now that we have been doing this) and for some reason I just gave in...I stopped thinking about what was best for my girls and I know that was the biggest mistake that I made...I was thinking about my happiness and not worrying about what all this was doing to them...I know that I need to be happy to but I want my kids to be in a loving environment...What does your gut tell you to do??...Sometimes mine is kinda confused...I feel that I want to stay but it's so frustration that I want to go but I know now that I have to stay and give it all that I've got...I know that I love him but I'm not scared to walk away if I have to...He will always have a place in my life cause of the kids...Dont let him take adavantage of you...Sometimes you have to put your foot down...I know that my husband and I have to get out and that is part of our problem...We let our social life just go away...So I called him at work today and told him that we were going to see a movie tonight so to be home by 7 to pick me up...He kept telling me that he did not know if he wanted to go..I told him that was not an option...I told him that I would be here waiting for him to pick me up and finally he said that he would see me then...If I would have let him come in the door tonight that would have been the end of it cause I would have never gotten him back out of the door....Does it scare you that thought of being without him of having to start a new life all over again??...It use to scare me but I know now that I'm capable of starting over with the help of my family...I have 1 sister and she said that she would do whatever it took to help me with the girls until I got back on my feet so I know that I would not be alone...Life is to short to not be happy...I wanna be happy here as a family but sometimes it's hard to find...My grandmother always told me that if you want something bad enough that you can have it and I believe that...Lately I have just been to busy feeling sorry for myself cause my marriage was falling apart...So I'm going to give it all I've got and if it doesnt work then it was never meant for me to have and my true happiness is still waiting for me somewhere....

February 9, 2001
7:35 pm
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janes
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Good thought...give it all you can and then happiness is still waiting for you . Good girl.

Marriage is a tough comittment and men and women can be so stupid sometimes!!

But it can work out if the two of you decide for it to do so. Remember tho' YOU are in charge of YOU and he is in charge of HIMSELF. Regardless of what he decides..if YOU have tried YOUR best..you will never look back with regrets.

I like the school idea. It'll get youout of th e house, give you a new outlook, impress your children and widen your horizons.

Even tho' I had my family AFTER college and have been working steadily since college and marriage and dis ... there are still times when there is nothing (feels like) for me. No time, so space etc.

I have a master's degree and am thinking about more school..

Life is a never ending learning experience.

Hug your kids. Try to love that silly hubby unconditionally (pary he wakes up)
and enjoy all the little things you can!!

Did you make it to the movies?

February 9, 2001
10:11 pm
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azianqt
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Janes...Yes we did make it to the movies and I had a great time...But of course the husband had to ruin the good night cause he asked me if I was good to go now that I got out of the house tonight cause he said that nothing has changed for him...He said that it is good for us to go out sometimes but he doesnt think that is our problem...Frankly I really think that he is the problem and does not realize it yet...I hope that he will realize it before it's to late but I still enjoyed myself anyway...

February 9, 2001
11:34 pm
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janes
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I think you may be right that he is the problem. But your insight in very good and you sound healthy in that youstill had a good time in spite of him.

Center on YOU and the kids. Be as supportive and try as hard as you think you must. Like Isaid before-besure that you do what you feel necessary so if the time comes that it IS over...you can look back and say "I truly tried"

It's important to do what you can, realizing of course that you cannot change another person no matter how hard YOU try...that is up to them.

there's is a balance that needs to be found....no woman should stay so long she loses her self in the process yet bailing out at the first sign of trouble is a copout too.

but like I said...you really sound as if you have a good handle on the problem.

Good luck

February 10, 2001
6:38 pm
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azianqt
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Janes...I hope that you are right...I think that I can be a strong person if I want to be...I definately know that I can not change him...I told him that was up to him...He feels that he can change himself and the way he is, is who he is...Of course I totally disagree with him but until he can bring himself back to reality there is no help that I can give him besides support and hope that one day he will see everything that I'm trying to do...I know that some part of him loves me but he feels like that it's not good enough for me...I think that sometimes I expect to much from him also and when he cant deliver he feels like he has failed..So now I'm going to try to help myself to become a stronger person to prepare myself for what could happen in the future...

February 10, 2001
7:41 pm
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Pippa
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Good on you, I think you need to nurture yourself and the problem is with your husband and you can only change yourself not someone else. By all means keep working on your relationship but look after yourself and the children first. Good luck 🙂

February 11, 2001
8:49 am
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janes
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ARE you making him feel like a failure? It may just be the way he interprets things...

IF he is feelings "things" are not good enough for you....what is he going to do..just bail out?

How are you expecting to much from him?

Work on you.

Go to a counselor and maybe he will follow eventually.

February 12, 2001
9:59 am
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azianqt
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I never thought about if I was making him feel line a failure...I dont feel like I ask to much from him...I just want some of his time...I think that he feels like he fails me because he feels like he is not capable of giving me the kind of affection that I want...I feel like I'm a person that needs alot of affection...Since he feels like he is not good enough for me it's just like he shuts down...It's like he gives up...This weekend was a pretty good weekend for us though...It was better than the weekends that we have been having...So maybe things will get better and we can keep them like that...

February 13, 2001
2:19 am
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Pollyan
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Azianqt, You mentioned your husband had had an affair two years ago. Is it possible he is carring a lot of guilt over the affair? Guilt can really mess with a person's emotions causing a multitude of problems. Your husband may not even realize the amount of guilt he has buried within him.

In order to give love to someone you need to love or at least like yourself. It's not easy for some people to like themselves and even harder for some to love themselves.

When one of the partners has strayed from the vows of their marriage both partners end up hurting. It is also a red flag and a time to take a serious look into the mechanics of the marriage. The issues and the events that took place two years ago may still be lurking around today.

Marriage is often very complicated and you may find you need to seek some outside professional help. Your marriage is worth a fight, heck with fight, it's worth a battle!

February 13, 2001
11:45 am
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azianqt
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So you are telling me that he goes through these withdrawl stages because he is still feeling guilty about cheating 2 years ago...I know that he told me that still lives with him and I'm sure that it always will but I never thought that they would cause the withdrawl...So what should I do??...Should I just support him through it???

February 13, 2001
7:41 pm
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Molly
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Of course you should support your husband, and don't bring it up ever, the affair that is. That is the kind of thing we do bring up when we fight dirty, when our back is against the wall. Not fair play, and serves nothing. Men are different, I keep learning more every day how different. They do shut down, I don't care for all of the book, but Men are from Mars Women from Venus does spell out some key differences in how we process, and men go to their caves, they shut down because they can't process all the stuff. Or that is how they do process. I still have to recommend the book by McGraw, Relational Rescue. Besides, men just hate to talk about relationships, and get real frustrated during times of stress when we start asking for things, like conversation, it just drives most of them over the edge. I thought what you did with the movie was right on, and you sound like you have it together. With the changes in your ascertiveness, he is going to be in for quite a ride. Now we will see, but like Janes stated, don't loose your self in that pity party again, and often that is what women do, being aware of things, is 75% of the battle.

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