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CRIMINALLY VIOLENT BEHAVIOR
October 25, 2001
12:11 am
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pill
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What does it mean? Do those people ever change?

October 25, 2001
11:44 am
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Molly
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Blondie is right, sad but true. Pill, this isn't your guy is it?????????????

October 25, 2001
1:06 pm
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Ladeska
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Having disregard for, no respect for authority, people's rights, opinions, lives, feelings, etc......is always something to look at as a HUGE red flag, even if it appears to be no big deal at the time. Sometimes the "cover" slips in the beginning and you see something that is an indication of something much larger.

About the only "changing" that I've seen people do who are like this - is to change from one form into another...great disguise and escape artists.

Real change happens as Blondie said, but not very often and I don't think I've EVER seen someone change because the person in their life at the time - had something to do with it....or that they just "loved them so much - they changed".....

October 25, 2001
1:51 pm
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If it was Molly, I'd never be able to admit it.

October 25, 2001
2:25 pm
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Ladeska
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...so then are you saying it is your guy???? C'mon - fess up. You're among people who care about you. Let's have it.

October 25, 2001
3:16 pm
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This is what he told me. About ten years ago he, while on drugs, was physically abusive to not only his partner, but others.

What the hell am I doing? Why do I love this guy?

I see the person he is today. I got counseling and therapy, went through the program, etc. It's hard to see that he was so different then.

October 25, 2001
3:20 pm
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I meant to say that HE got counseling and therapy... (see above)

October 25, 2001
3:39 pm
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Molly
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Evil has its own magnets, girlfriend do your self a big favor, cut it loose. Go back over these threads, look at what a ride you have been on,this history Recovered or not, is not something to ignore. I swear. You have to ask your self why. counseling and therapy in these situations is usually court mandated, but the core of the individual is still there, it doesn't take much for us to go to our familiar behavior, the slightest trigger, and opps, I am so sorry, know what I mean. he has toyed with you all along, its been a struggle thus far, indicated by your postings, common now, isn't delivered pizza, videos, and painting your toes, and typing on the threads just a little bit safer??????????????
If you don't think based on your post, until we dragged it out of you that you could admit it was Mr She's just here to clean my house, then how are you going to admit it when you get your first blow to the head or back? These guys f*** with your head, until you cant see anythign but the bones they toss in your direction.
I was just writing about how its perhaps possible that the environment can actually change your dna, any questions about that I am sure Blondie, from NY can fill you in on the ride she took.

October 25, 2001
3:41 pm
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Molly
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FYI, in all the women that I worked with their men were more addictive than the heroin that they were using, that is how I connected with my disease, ok, addicts have a hard time trusting right, they said you seem to get it, you use, I said no just men. They understood, I had so many clients that cleaned up, and as soon as the man came back, ............ Just got to medicate the pain of the primary addiction, get it???????????

October 25, 2001
4:20 pm
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Yes, I get it.

October 25, 2001
4:47 pm
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I can't help but feel all these responses are based on hurt and experiences you have had. I'd like to hear from Blondie too.

Maybe he's not like the men you know - no? Maybe if you met, you could see that he isn't like that anymore.

Guess I must be hypnotized somehow. My feelings for him he's holding like reins, controlling me I guess... the only way to understand why I still can't let go of him and want to love him.

It's like my love is ever so special because he's so difficult to love. I'm a lot more patient and forgiving than a lot of people I know. It's because of my christian upbringing and how I was taught. That's what he likes about me.

October 25, 2001
5:39 pm
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pill
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I hear you I hear you...

But put him in your place. He too was YOU seven (ten) years ago. He has not abused ME - he abused someone else ten years ago. You are one of the few who made it back - so is he. He is also one of the ones who made it back.

I really want to be with him - yes. I can't marry him, but would like to have kids one day...

You know what I just realized? I'm also very CURIOUS to see what will happen next with him. See if he really does those things I asked him to. I feel like a scientist looking in on a bug to see what it will do next.

October 25, 2001
5:41 pm
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Ladeska
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So....you are studying him for what reason? There must be something driving you other than what you are sharing.

Usually, when we are doing something unhealthy - we're being driven to do so, as I have mentioned before, in order to "fix" something broken a long time ago. Who does he represent in your life?

October 25, 2001
5:47 pm
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Ladeska, you know how to get down to tacks - yes?

What does he represent? I think my dad - and how withdrawn and quiet he always was. But my dad was also very loving too. So is he.

October 25, 2001
6:00 pm
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Ladeska
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Yep, just love those tacks, stick soo good right in your butt checks, don't they?

So....back to the subject...

You tell me.....

I don't tell you.....you tell me...maybe I can guide....somewhat...

For the time being, let's not concentrate on - all the lovely things your father did. For now - that would only be used by you to cover the other things that truly bother you because you'd beel guilty saying these things and reach quickly for a nice compliment. So, don't touch that dial and stay with the other one for now.....

Tell me about your father in a negative way. Let it rip. No nice things please. I'm sure he was a wonderful person in many ways, we'll throw a party for him later, but for now - let's look at the ugly.

It's okay. Your not a bad girl, if you do this... (smile) I am, but we all know that!!!

October 25, 2001
6:21 pm
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He was withdrawn - both emotionally and physically.

He was so withdrawn, he didn't protect us from our mother.

He gave most of himself to his job, instead of his family.

He was cool and distant.

He was scared and withdrawn.

That's all I can think of right now.

October 25, 2001
6:29 pm
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Molly
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Not a bad girl but one that likes to play with fire. I am not basing this just on my guy, he managed to work on quite a few things. But the men that I had on my case load and got to know for years. it is amazing, they would share with me, things that they would never tell mom, girlfriends, or wives. They would do great, then opps, the tears, the pain, the grief, and they never meant to do it.
Its just that when you have the entire table to sample from, why this dish, that you know might give you samonallia?
Blondies life well the fact that she is alive today to talk about it, far less with her kids, and clean and sober is such a miracle. Not many live to share the lessons, and the wisdom, and the sad thing is falling down happens so damn fast, to the smartest, and best of women. So, Pill I'll leave you alone, and if ya get burned playing with fire, I will still get you some first aid, and give ya a hug, ok?

October 25, 2001
6:29 pm
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Ladeska
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How did that make you feel as a daughter, in a relationship with him, about yourself....

October 25, 2001
7:30 pm
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That I had to very extremely special to be worthy his attention. That I had to be chosen... when the time was right - to be given attention.

He also never gave us much dicipline. Like he tried a little, but then gave up - as if we weren't worth the trouble or effort.

October 25, 2001
7:38 pm
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Like I had to be very special and very good to get his attention... and even then I might not make the cut.

I've always been a timid and scared type... rather mousy inside. People say I'm beautiful outside, but I always feel awkward and clumbsy inside.

When I meet men like the one I love now, I collapse, I fall at their feet, thinking they find me worthy... and how grateful i should be.

It's crap isn't it?

October 26, 2001
6:01 pm
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pam g fu
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PILL

we allow ourselves to actthis way with our men when in turn we our more deserving than them. i know i have an abuser for a spouse. he has an alcohol problem as well as cocaine and it is hard to sit back and watch him drifting away. i read my alanon book One Day at a Time. Don't have flashbacks on all the bad things that happened?

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