Please consider registering
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Forum Options

Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
creating healthy boundaries
February 16, 2004
2:59 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just came to the realization last night, after another one of my long drawn out "talks" and going on and on about how I feel ... I've really taken advantage of my husband's good nature and desire to "be there" for me and used him as my own personal dumping ground. He's said before that he's felt "drained" and "resentful" and that he feels I am somewhat selfish and don't listen to what he has to say. He's said before and did again last night, that I manage to take most situations and scenarios and twist them into being an issue about me. I told him it's because I felt I wasn't being heard; that it stemmed back to my childhood and to my emotionally abusive relationship with my ex; that I had a right to be selfish sometimes because I had spent so many years trying to please other people. I finally gave up and went to bed, praying to God to help me through my insecurities, anxieties, and fears. And then something hit me. I have felt that because he is my husband, I had the right to tell him every little feeling I had; all the time, and labeling it as "communication". "But honey, I'm trying to tell you how I feel. I'm trying to communicate." In fact, I've been dumping my anxieties, fears, and insecurities on him and basically saying "Here is how I feel, now do something about it so I don't feel that way anymore." He's tried to put up boundaries, telling me there are things I need to learn to deal with on my own, and I've busted right through them and told him he doesn't care about me. I feel like I have really abused the relationship and I thought I knew what a loving, healthy marriage entailed just because my parents had one. I honestly don't think I know what healthy boundaries are in a love relationship. How much can you and should you depend on your spouse for support? Especially with support through past issues that they had nothing to do with? I think I've depended on him WAY too much; even as far as giving me a sense of identity and self-worth. Does anyone have any suggestions on where I can learn more about creating healthy marital boundaries? I feel very guilty for the pressure I've put on him, even though I know I didn't do it intentionally. I talked to him about my "insight" this morning and he agreed. He's felt "dumped on" and expected to fix all my problems. He almost seemed relieved that I finally realized it because he said he's been trying to tell me that for months but I kept getting defensive and not really listening to how he felt.

February 16, 2004
3:06 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good for you! Great breakthrough, it seems. My husband isn't the type to be open to hearing all these things. After a year in treatment, I finally had a true epiphany, and began to get serious about thse CoDa behaviors...very glad my husband wasn't the kind to be open to hearing all this, as it does take advantage of a healthy marital relationship. I'm so happy to have found this site, as I can dump here all I like...know that it's safe...know that others truely understand...and this in combination with my weekly sessions w/the therapist, I'm certain will take me to a healthier place....as long as I do the work...Aha...sometimes that's the rub...but new awareness has brought me new motivation...Good luck..!

February 16, 2004
6:20 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You should feel very good about being honest with yourself. So many times when we see behaviors in ourselves that we don't like, we either beat ourselves up over them or make excuses for them. Being logical about this, basically looking at the situation and saying "aha, there it is" can be so freeing. Now all that's left for you to do is to figure out what you'll do differently, right? You don't have to justify the behavior any longer, nor do you have to understand the roots completely. Awareness is the first step, and then you can choose the action. Good for you!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110977
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why..
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information