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CPT update from quilter
August 21, 2006
8:52 pm
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quilter
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I am on my work computer so hopefully I can get this typed and sent without any difficulty this time. First and foremost I hope you are feeling better and have gotten some rest. Some of the things you write about makes it seem like you have walked in my shoes.
Yesterday I was able to finally connect with my aunt who is the therapist. The had been some missed connections and I had almost giving up on the whole thing but I decided to push myself forward. It actually went far better than I had anticipated. You had mention a concern with the fact that she is an relative. She is not someone that I see on any kind of regular basis and she was very clear that what we discussed would be just between the two of us. In some respects it was helpful to have her know some of the family dynamics, and she could bring some understanding. Her husband is my mothers 1/2 brother. Anyway I was still pretty anxious about the whole thing. I had emailed her prior about some of the issues that I felt I needed to work, with out giving any details. She asked about the history of sexual abuse and the rape, that was pretty uncomfortable and I was not able to talk to much about it. She really just wanted to find out what I was reaching for and how I thought I could get there. We agreed to meet and just have some informal conversations and see where that leads me.
If she feels like I need more than she can offer me than that is the route I will take.
It is so hard for me after spending my entire life not talking about my feelings and these past issues that it will take some time.
Well I have to shut down the computer and get out of here.
Quilter

August 22, 2006
1:57 am
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cpt1212
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quilter,

thanks so much for keeping me updated. i was wondering how you were doing and i am glad you took the time to write back to me.

i can totally relate to being uncomfortable about talking about sexual abuse. i can think about it or type it out as i am doing now but there seems to be a barrier when my mouth tries to form the words. i have found that in therapy i have brief moments of honesty about the past abuse and then retreat to safer topics for sometimes weeks at a time.

i am really glad that you feel comfortable talking to you relative. i hadn't thought of the benefit of her being familiar with existing dynamics, i kinda like that idea. as you talk to her she may also have some insights on the family that she may want to share with you.

i know that for me after an appt. that if we talked about something heavy it may not sink in until later that day when i have some quiet time to think about it and it may play on my mind for a couple of days. i am interested to hear how you feel about your meeting and if anything has been in your thoughts since then. also when do you see her again?

August 23, 2006
8:44 pm
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quilter
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I did not have a chance to write from work yesterday, it was one of those days from Hell. I have been doing alot of "processing" of some of the things that we did talk about.
I think the abuse is by far going to be the hardest subject to discuss, just due to the fact that I have never discussed it before. I could just feel myself closing in when she asked some questions about it. Like you mentioned I had some brief, very brief moments of honesty. I really was evasive with my answers. I imagine that is to be expected when I never really discussed it before.
This all talking thing, I wonder why it is such a hard thing to do.
I logically process everything and when I have to add some emotions into the circle that is where my understanding goes out the door. I have to learn somehow to join the two.
I gotta run for my brothers b-day dinner so I cannot write more now, hopefully tomorrow I may have some spare moments.
Take care
Quilter

August 24, 2006
11:17 pm
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quilter
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just bumping up

August 27, 2006
1:37 pm
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quilter
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CPT
Out there??

August 28, 2006
3:29 am
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cpt1212
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hey quilter,

i have a question for you--do you have a difficult time taking care of yourself?

August 28, 2006
7:39 pm
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quilter
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Hi Cpt
I took vitamins this morning, does that count?? No, seriously I understand your question. I most say that I do have a difficult time taking care of myself, more emotionally than physically. Granted I don't exercise enough or always eat the right but overall my health is good. As far as emotional health, it is very neglected and I think that is part of the reason I am seeking help at this point. My aunt told my that people in there late 30's and early 40's seem to be when a lot of people seek change. I definitely play the role of caretaker in my family as far as my brothers are concerned. I always try to make sure everyone is taken care of. IE: I gave up my air conditioner during one of the hot spells so his family would be cool, they just had a new born so I was more concerned about that than anything else. I think that it is easier to focus on taking care of others so you don't have to focus on yourself. I always feel a little guilty when I think I need to give myself attention. I rarely shop for new clothes, ( I am patiently awaiting for the What not to Wear show to contact me). I don't know if it s feeling that I don't deserve my own attention, I think that is going to need a lot of attention. One of the things that I did talk to my aunt with was the fact that I feel very fragmented. I feel I am a different person at work, different person family ( mom dad brothers, I am single.) different with friends. As much as a cliche as this sounds I just want to find myself. Be that one person all the time. Jeez now your going to think I am Sybil. I don't know if you feel that way, when you go " home" do you automatically go back into the daughter roll or do you feel like an adult?
Let me know your thoughts on this one too.
Take Care.
Quilter

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