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counseling dependency
March 29, 2001
11:14 am
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cloud
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But then by next week, I will lose that courage.

March 30, 2001
7:55 pm
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Sal
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That's why you have to do SOMETHING now! Even if you just call and leave her a message that says, I'm having a hard time right now. Then she knows that there's more than what's on the surface, and will ask. And you will not betray yourself!!! You will say SOMETHING honest! "Well, when I called I was feeling really stressed about your leaving." Do SOMETHING so you can't go again and do NOTHING! Take a step toward disclosure. Leave a note, a message, grab the courage when you feel it, and plunge in!

March 30, 2001
8:35 pm
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March 30, 2001
8:39 pm
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Hi
I hope I'm not stepping to out of line with this question, but is their a chance that cloud you might have a crush on this counseler? t4c

March 31, 2001
2:06 pm
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cloud
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Sal, you are right. It is now Saturday and I have made a conscious decision to spill it all out on Wednesday. Yesterday (Friday) I was saying to myself that there was no way I could tell her. But this morning, it hit me, that I can't go on this way. I need her to help me with it so I have to talk about it. I AM going to do it!

Time4Change, it can't be a crush. I'm female and so is she. And I'm straight.

April 2, 2001
10:45 am
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It is now Monday and I am still planning on telling her on Wednesday. I have to. Or else I know where I'll be if I don't. Wish me luck!

April 3, 2001
9:15 am
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When I got home from school on Monday, 12:30, there was a message on my machine from my counselor saying she had to reschedule our session on Wed. She couldn't do it at 11:00 because she had something, so she had to change to a different time or different day. So I called back and left a message with the secretary to have my counselor call me back, but she never called me back. šŸ™

I must have seemed so desperate because I called back 2 more times. One time to leave a message on my counselor's machine, and another to tell the secretary to reschedule my time to 3:00. I had a pounding headache all day yesterday because of this. But I did reschedule my time. So it is at 3 instead. And I am going to tell her that I have become dependent on her and we will work things out so I don't have to feel so desperate. Okay, thanks for reading. Sorry this post sounds so desperate.

April 3, 2001
10:28 am
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Sal
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I know. I hate sounding desperate. But I wonder if I like BEING desperate? It's kinda the rush of being in 'love.'

Your appt. is rescheduled, so relax. And it's probably good that you called so often, though it is still too subtle to communicate your need. DO talk to her. DO NOT be afraid. Or if you are, DO it anyway!:)

My next appt. is also Weds.; at 4:00, so I'll be thinking of you. Do it early on in the session. Blurt it out right up front, before you give the 'I'm fine and dandy' routine. You may convince yourself, and defeat your real purpose.

GO for it, go FOR it, go for IT! Rah, rah! I'm your cheering section, and I want very much for you to face this, and see that you lived through it. Write, soon as you can!((hug))

April 3, 2001
8:38 pm
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cloud
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Thanks so much for the encouragement, Sal. It is now Tuesday night and I am still set on telling her tomorrow. That is my main goal tomorrow and it WILL be done; there's no doubt about it. I will say it as soon as I get in. That's final!

I will be thinking of you too tomorrow when I do it because you are really the one who helped me to see that I need to do this. And you kept at it, even when I failed as in last week. Now I am more ready than ever before.

I'll write as soon as I can after it tomorrow.

Good luck with your appt. too!

And thanks for the hug. Here's one back...((hug)).

April 4, 2001
11:41 am
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cloud
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Well, it is now 11:40 on Wednesday. I am at school waiting until 3:00 for my appt. and my counselor is right outside the room I am in right now. She is doing an alcohol awareness day here on campus. I can see her right now. But she doesn't see me.

Am I acting weird? I should go say hi. But that may seem too desperate.

April 4, 2001
12:18 pm
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cloud
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On a regular Wednesday at this time, 12:20, I would be so sad.

April 4, 2001
12:24 pm
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cloud
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Well, my mom just wrote me an email to tell me that my counselor called my house this morning and said she cannot meet me today at 3. I'm shaking right now.

April 4, 2001
12:54 pm
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cloud
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This is what happened. The secretary that scheduled me for 3, didn't realize there was someone else scheduled for that time. So my counselor called and left a message on my machine at home. (I am at school right now.) So I saw her and told her I changed it to Friday at 3.

April 4, 2001
1:02 pm
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Sal
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Hang in there! Friday's not so far away. Don't worry. You'll make it. Plus you had an excuse to talk to her today, right?:)

April 4, 2001
1:46 pm
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cloud
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I know Friday's not so far away, but I had everything all planned out for today. I was going to spill everything about my dependency on her and how desperate I've been feeling. Right now I feel so hurt. It's like she doesn't have time for me. And jealous of the person that gets to see her today instead of me. It's not fair.

And when I went up to her and talked to her, she said she was sorry, and I said it was okay. What a loser. I should have started something, said it was not okay. That I really needed to talk to her. I should have made a scene and threatened. Then she would have seen I was serious. But instead I just hold it all in. And cry to myself.

The only thing I can think of that is good about Friday is that I won't have to wait another whole week after it to talk to her again. But now I've been waiting over a week. I hate this.

April 5, 2001
8:33 am
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Sal
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"I'm not waving, I'm drowning."

šŸ™‚

April 5, 2001
9:12 am
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cloud
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Sal, are you okay??? How did your appt. go?

April 5, 2001
7:21 pm
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grass
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I think I know what you are going through, Cloud. I've been in counselling with the same counsellor for two years now. I just realized that I have been dependend on her last week. and then I found myself finding some reason to not like her so that I could get over this "fault" inside of me. but I realized that trying to hate her (for no reason at all) is not the way to deal. I've been dependent on females all my life, teachers, coaches, now professors, and my counsellor. I think it is because my mom was always around but never available emotionally and when I find someone that wants to know what is going on in MY head. I crave someone to nutor me emotionally.
Another reason you could be dependent for emotional support is b/c you have not learned how to healthily cope on your own, for every day stresses, so you need someone else to cope for you. I am like this and am gradually trying to learn.

April 6, 2001
12:23 pm
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cloud
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Grass, yes, that's how I feel. Like I need someone to help me to handle everything in my life. The thing is, I have a very good relationship with my mother, so I don't think it has to do with her. I don't know. I also crave someone to be with me and understand me and help me with my problems. It's a cycle that just keeps going on and on, I cling too much. Thanks for your input. Good luck with trying to end this cycle.

I'm actually just about to tell my counselor today all about this desperate dependency I have on her. She's in for a BIG day, and I mean BIG.

April 6, 2001
2:38 pm
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It is now 2:40, just 20 minutes away from my appt. I am nervous and kind of unsure about what I am going to say. I haven't lost the courage. I am still going to tell her, just not sure how. I might say something like, "I did it again." And let her ask me, "What did you do again?" And then I'll say something like, "I've become dependent on you." I don't know, something like that. These are just my thoughts. I've been rehearsing this for a while now, but after the mix up on Wednesday, I got a little confused and a little disoriented about my agenda. Oh, gosh, my heart is racing right now. There's got to be a way to buy more time with her. But how? I don't know. Okay, I'm gonna go write something now. Something to give to her. Wish me luck! Will post after appt. Dear God, please let this go well.

April 6, 2001
4:22 pm
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cloud
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Well, I'm sure you are all wondering how it went so this is what happened. Okay...I stalled for about the first half hour. I just couldn't get it out. I really wanted to just come out and say "I'm dependent on you" but it wouldn't come out. I did tell her that there was something I wanted to talk to her about, and she could see how difficult it was for me to say it. She had to keep guessing what it was that I wanted to say to her. But she did not guess the truth. Then in about halfway into the session, I started talking about my dependency on others and said "I transfer my dependecy from one person to the next." And then she asked me, "Who are you dependent on now?" And I said, "In a way, you." This is about how far I got. We really didn't go into it, because I seemed like I was stalling again. In no way did she become aware of how desperate my dependency is. And I couldn't cry. I wanted to, but no tears would come. Right now, it's about 4:20 and I'm not in the bathroom crying my brains out and I don't think I will be after I leave this computer. I'm actually feeling alright. I'm not feeling the desperation I've felt after previous sessions. I led on to her that I have this problem and although we didn't talk about it much, she has that information to go on. She said that for next time, so we don't have to stall so much, I should come to the session with a concrete idea of what I want to change about myself. So I think I'm going to write her a letter and actually give it to her this time. Since she already has an idea of what I'm going through, I feel a little more comfortable writing her about it. That's what I'm going to do after I leave this computer. Maybe one of the reasons I don't feel so horrible right now is because I know we have another session next Wednesday. I'm trying to understand why I have such a hard time talking when I'm in the session though. I guess it's because what I need to talk about has to do with her and I'm embarassed. It's not even that I wonder what she'll think, it's that I wonder how I'll feel after I tell her. But I've come to the realization that I CAN AND WILL feel better eventually. This will not end in death, as I've thought recently. It will end in me becomming a better person and understanding myself better. I WILL get through this! I WILL live!

Thanks to everyone who has responded to my posts, with wonderful ideas and advice, for all of your support. You've shown me that I'm not alone in this desperate journey of my life. (Okay, I think I'm actually going to cry now...tears of relief and slight joy šŸ™‚ Thanks...

April 7, 2001
7:01 pm
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cloud
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I think I was actually not feeling anything yesterday. For some reason, I did not break down after the session. I've been thinking really hard about all of this. Last night, when I came home, I decided to write a long letter to my counselor. In this letter I explained everything I am unable to say in words. I will hand deliver it on Monday morning. This will get it all out into the open.

April 7, 2001
7:24 pm
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Great! I'm proud of you! keep up the bravery šŸ™‚

April 8, 2001
1:23 pm
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Sal
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cloud,

Way to go! I told you you'd feel better! I'm sorry I haven't responded till now-- I had a 3 day counseling session, and was away from my computer, but I thought about you!

I also had this thought, (as I said good bye to these counselors tearfully and traumatically) Is it that my counselor SEES me when I'm with them, and with others I feel invisible? And if so does it help to allow myself to be visible to others, and is that maybe what I'm learning through counseling: that it's safe to be visible? I know I hunger for someone to SEE me and UNDERSTAND me, and care about me, and ACCEPT me. Of course, I pay this person to do so, but it's at least a start! Once we find a place/person where we're safe, and accepted, and given unconditional positive regard, we become obsessed with having that security, approval, help.

What do you think?

Again, I'm proud of you, and you are on the right course. Steady on!

April 8, 2001
3:13 pm
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cloud
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Thanks guys. You really did give me the encouragement to make the move.

Sal, what do you mean "a 3 day counseling session?" I want one! Was that your last session?

I think what you said is true for me too. Once I find that "somebody" who accepts me and understands me, it becomes something I try to keep and hold onto without ever wanting to let go. I'm glad you mentioned this.

Although I didn't blurt out what I needed to on Friday, my letter, that I'm bringing to my counselor's mailbox tomorrow says it all. I did not edit one thing! And I'm not even afraid of letting her read it. It needs to be done. I will feel so much better when she knows the whole truth. Then when I have my session on Wednesday (only 3 days away!!!), I won't have to anxiously begin the conversation. The material will already be right there in that letter.

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