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counseling dependency 2
December 3, 2001
7:52 pm
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cloud
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Ok, so from now on, if we feel like we need to do something to ourselves, we'll come on here and type instead.

Aw, that's so cute that you are the baby of the group. I'm sure they will try to make you feel as comfortable as possible. While your doing it, remember that I'm thinking of you.

I really don't think I have the guts enough to tell Barbara what I did. I'm too afraid she will tell my parents or something. I wish there was a way for just her to know without having to tell anyone else, but I know there isn't. Are you really going to tell your class about what you did? I could definitely understand that you would feel nervous.

Promise me that tomorrow you will tell me all about how your class session went. And I'll write here after my appt. tomorrow. Maybe I'll have some good news, like she'll let me come in 2x a week! Sure.

(((((((((((((((((((((Tinker))))))))))))))))

December 4, 2001
5:33 am
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Hey cloud:Yes if we feel the need-come on here and write yes? Thats a good idea.

I will remember u are thinking of me. I will definetly let you know how it goes-good or bad. One bit of bad news-i can't go onto do the next counselling course! ahh! i am too young they say. i could do it and not get the qualification so i might do they.If i wan the qualification, i would have to do it again.i can't not do it. i will nEVER see my tutor agian.

I dont blame u for not wanting to tell barbara, i would be scrared of her telling my parents. but are you not over 18? over here in the uk, if you are over 18 they have no right to tell your parents. r u still living at home?

Do tell me how your appointment goes. i will be here for u. remember that cloud.

Im scared! i have my course later! calm tinker!

xxx

p.s have good news too:i saw my geography teacher again today-from france! she gave me a big hug again 🙂

December 5, 2001
4:27 am
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Cloud? Thought you were going to write on here after your session. I hope you are ok. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! i am so angry! (sorry just had to put that! needed to vent!) i didn't have the guts to tell my group again. i was so nervous i thought i was going to be sick. Kelly-my tutor kept looking at me encouragingly for me to talk-but did not force me at all. i had tears in my eyes quite a few times and she said-helen? i've just got to check you are ok. you seem to be upset.I was so angry last night when i got home. Ah long story about all of last night but we talked lots.she said she would like to be my counsellor but can't. she is too emotionally invovled with me and she cares about me. that made me feel good.its my last week next week. im scared again, i don't want to leave.

Tinker

December 5, 2001
10:08 am
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cloud
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Tinker, I am okay. I wasn't able to connect to the internet yesterday all day long. Otherwise, I would have written about my session. I am mad too, because I didn't tell Barbara what I had intended to. First of all, I didn't ask her why she never called me back. She did ask me how I was feeling and what that was all about. But I didn't ask her. Secondly, I didn't ask her if I could come in twice a week either. So when I left, I was so mad at myself for not asking and knowing that I had to go through another whole week. As I walked out of her room, I quietly asked if I can call her if I need to and she said yes, that she would be there. So I felt a little better after I asked that. But I still felt horrible, I think I'm going to call her today. My psych. club is going on a trip today to Greystone Psychiatric Institution and we are going to talk with 15-20 of the patients. I am excited, but in a way, scared because if there are any people in there like me, I am going to be emotional. So I might call Barbara to talk about it. She knows I'm going on the trip.

I also didn't tell Barbara about my scratches. I kinda hoped she would see them without me telling her, but I was wearing long sleeves anyway. I'm 21 and I do live with my parents, but I think it's a right of the counselor that if she/he believes you may harm yourself or someone else, they must tell, regardless of confidentiality.

So you didn't do what you intended to do either, huh? Will there be another chance for this, or was last night the only chance you had? Did others talk? I can imagine how scared you were. It's kinda like when I intend on telling something to a counselor and then freeze up during the session. So what might you do about the course next time? Take it without getting the qualifications? I probably would. If you have time for it, why not? Then the next time you take it for the qualifications, you will already know the material and be that much better than the rest of the class!

Well Tinker, we're still where we don't want to be, unhappy and without whatever it is we're searching for. What will we do?

December 5, 2001
1:25 pm
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Hey Cloud. Thats is unfortuanate that you couldn't connect to the internet testerday.I am so mad at the moment too.I read your post and was angry for you too.It brought home the anger i felt last night-and now!!!Its good that she said you could call her anytime. Reassuring hey?

I bet your trip to the unit will be experiential for you. bet it will be good but emtional. let me know what it is like.

i was asking to my tutor last night what she thought about does not not think it is right to keep something confidential, even if the person (eg me) doesn't want anyone to know. she said that she wold feel awful if i did something and along she could have all helped or prevented it,thats why she thinks she would have to tell her supervisor if i did somethihng stupid again.I feel really attached to her.Maybe more than kay. I am really scared.I hate feeling like this.I was going to call kay today.Its driving me mad. You can't trust anyone really.

I don't know waht i am going to do about my next course. I can't finish it just like that.i will never see her again.i really want to do it too.they now say i can't even do it without getting the qualification! I have to go and speak to the office on monday as i have e-mailed the people who say i can't do it-who give the qualification.

Its very annoying when you plan on doing something but just don't have the guts huh? kelly said she wil give me time next week. i have made a solum promise to do it. I GOTA! for my own sake. i will regret it for most of my life i recon!

U don't have to say yes, i just wondered if you would like my e-mail address,so we can on there too? U don't have to.Just a suggestion.If yes, do u have one?

So true-we are here and where we don't want to be and without what we are searching for.

Gosh!! Is it too much to ask? All i want is someone to talk to-a counsellor and i can't even get that. I hate feeling this way.It makes me cry.

Tinker xxxxxx

December 5, 2001
3:49 pm
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cloud
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Tinker, it's okay to cry. I'm not like people who say, "don't cry". I always feel it is better to get it out rather than hold onto those bad feelings.

Yes, I do have an email address and would love to email with you. The only thing is...I don't want to post my address on this board because then it will be on here for anyone/everyone to see. We could do this either two ways: if you have an email and wouldn't mind posting it on here, then I can email ya and go from there...or I can make up an email just to give to you and then, once you and I have each other's addresses, I will give you my real one. Let me know...

I just got back from the trip to Greystone. It really was an experience I'll never forget. The place was so solemn. I saw patients behind fences just staring out at us (the students) walking on the grounds. We then heard from two psychologists who told us about the patients there. Most of them, 80%, have schizophrenia. Some are considered criminally insane. We then met with 15-20 patients and talked with them. I spoke to this one guy who was in there for 10 years. He spoke very well about his diagnosis, which were depression and schizo-affective disorder. He was easy to talk to and interesting. I could have stayed there all day. Then we left. I took a few pics of the buildings because they are so old and historic. It really was great. I'm going to call Barbara later on to tell her how it was. She was right, I wouldn't want to be in a place like that. I thought I would. But now that I've seen it in person, I wouldn't want to be in there with no freedom. I thought that they were taken care of 24/7. But there not. There aren't enough staff to take care of all the patients around the clock, so they are not "taken care of" whenever they need it.

So are you more attached to your tutor than Kay now? Even if you are, you still have an urge to call Kay right? You can trust me Tinkerbe. Even though I know we're so far away. I really do care about you. I feel like we really will get through this some how, but I don't know how. We are not like those people I saw today. (I used to believe I was like them.) But I'm not. You and I go to school and we're out in the world. Those people are not and it's so sad. I'm not sure whether it's better to be like them or us. I really don't know anymore. Because we are suffering in silence and no one is listening.

December 6, 2001
9:52 am
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Hiya Cloud: About they e-mail problem...i will give you this one cos i don't use much any more then you can e-mail me with yours and i can reply to your proper e-mail with my one-the one i use? how about that? its complicated isn't it?! Its [email protected]. is that ok?

Hey i am glad you enjoyed your visit to greystone! It sounded a valuable experience. was it emotional?
I agree, i would absolutley hate to be in place like that.it would scare me-it does think about it!i would feel so alone. wouldn't you?

yes i think i am becoming more attched to my tutor than kay. it may just seem that way because my attchment has decreased from kay now.i am still attched to het tho.I think about ringing her.i just feel so frustrated. i am trapped and can't get out.

i am the same too. i care about you lots cloud.we can be each others' counsellors too,even tho we are so far away.

Tinker xxxx

December 6, 2001
12:40 pm
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cloud
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Great! I'll email you a test message today. So how are you hanging on? I'm trying to decide if I should call Barbara again today. I called her yesterday after my trip to tell her about it, but she didn't call me back, AGAIN! My attachment to Barbara has definitely increased. I am so over Felice now.

So when was the last time you spoke with Kay? I know how trapped you must feel right now. You are seeking help, and there is such a problem getting it. And it seems like you have exhausted all your options. Well, at least you still have your tutor to talk to for the time being. In another post, you said that your tutor can't be your counselor because she is too emotionally involved with you. Does this mean that you two will continue to be friends after the term?

I definitely learned a lot on my trip yesterday. I felt like such a different person after leaving there. I know for sure, that I would never want to be in there. I thought that people in there received care around the clock. I was wrong.

Wouldn't that be so great if we could be each other's counselors? And then we would know that neither of us would ever leave the other.

December 6, 2001
2:28 pm
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Cloud.Hi! Im hanging on just about. How about you? You last post is really encouraging. You seem very positive and that is good!gives me hope...well maybe!It may be a very stupid question but are you sure you have the right number for barbara?stupid i know but it puzzles me that she is not ringing you bk.wot if you REALLY needed her at that time? Why do think your attachment to barbara has increased? I can tell you are over felice.Can i ask...why did felice throw you out of the counselling centre that time? You dont have to tell me if you don't want to.

the last time i spoke to kay was over 2 weeks ago. i am pleased with myself that i have lasted that long! i think i am going to ring her tomorow cos things are just going bad for me right now! you're right, im seeking help but i just CANT get it. why? i HAVE exhausted all my options.I could go to my doctor but that is a last resort, when things get REALLY bad, as if thy aren't already! how much does it take for me to go?

I have my tutor there for now....one more week-thats all! cant belive it! i am not sure if we will remain friends after.i will always think of her as my friend yes, but i think think she could be able to ummm.....stay in contact(if thats the right word) as she lives a far way from me.i just meant she cares for me alot.

thats would be great if we were each others counsellor yes. then that would solve our problems! never have to get unattached to a counsellor, give hugs all the time!!! oh well.

Tinkerbell

December 6, 2001
3:14 pm
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cloud
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Hey Tinker. I know I have the right number for Barbara because whenever I call, I get her answering machine with her on it. Then I leave a message after the beep. But she never calls back. I've asked my best friend what she thinks, and she said that maybe Barbara is trying to teach me some sort of lesson. Like, if she does call me back, then that might further my dependency. I don't know. But like you said, what if I REALLY needed her. (Like last Tuesday when I called right after our session and wanted to hurt myself.)

Yeah, I am definitely over Felice. The reason she kicked me out of that counseling center is because I "crossed her boundaries". I refused to leave her office twice and after the second time, she said our theraputic relationship would not work out anymore. She had to call the campus police on me the second time. I caused a big scene. I still believe though, that she was the only counselor that really understood me and would have been able to help me. Oh well. There's no use in dwelling on something that I can't change.

I think that is really great that you haven't had to call Kay within the past two weeks. Is there something else you've been doing instead to keep from calling her, or is it because you have been involved with other things, ie. your tutor and counseling course?

Okay, so if you do go to your doctor, what do you think he/she might do? This will then involve your parents right? Um...are there any kind of community centers in your area where they give counseling? There has to be some way to get yourself into counseling again. Just not sure how. What would happen if you asked your parents, would they help you find a place?

Tinker, in your time in counseling, did anyone ever mention the word "borderline" to you? The only reason I ask is because the things you say remind me so much of me. The dependency issues, feeling alone, empty, wanting a hug. Well, just a thought.

December 6, 2001
11:53 pm
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Tinker: Guess what? I called Barbara and left a message saying that it was important and she called me back! I was so surprised and happy. She said that she did try to call me yesterday, but couldn't get through. So I told her about my trip. She was happy to hear that I had changed my perspective on wanting to be in a mental institution. We talked for about 4 minutes and this made me feel so much better to hear her voice. I was elated. :)))

December 7, 2001
6:55 am
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Hi cloud:Thats great that barbara rung you! I am so happy for you! It makes you feel so much better doesn't it!? I agree with you, there's no use dwelling on the past but i can't get over some things.e.g.wish i still had kay!

i thought about calling her today, but my parents haven't gone to work.when i got home they weren't in and was going to do that then, but i just didn't.....duno why?I don't think i felt the need to call her becuase like you said, i had other things on my mind-eg counselling course and my tutor.i felt i was cared for and didn't need kay if she wasn't going to be like my tutor. do u feel any attachment to your school tutor/proffessor?

if i went to my doctor, he wouldn't be allowed to tell my parents and would be totally confidential.parents wouldn't have to know.i could see someone at the surgery, but i feel i am going behind backs that way. its complication but i don't want my parent to know i want help.

No the answer to your qusetion is. No one has ever mentioned boundaries to me. why do you ask? maybe i should have been told! even kay doesn't know how i feel dependant on her really.she doesn't understand.

Take care.

Tinker

December 7, 2001
12:16 pm
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Yes, I feel so much better that Barbara called me. It makes me feel that she does care for me 🙂 I can't wait till next Tuesday. Only 4 days away!!!

I don't have a tutor at my college, and my professors are mostly men. We don't talk about anything personal. It's strictly school work. There have been some professors in the past that I really liked, but I never became attached to them. In high school however, I had a few teachers who I became very attached to. My junior year in high school is when I had the worst attachment of my life. It is such a long story and I am totally over it now, that I don't even want to talk about it. But yes, there have been teachers before.

It's so easy for it to happen with a counselor because you tell such personal things to them.

The reason I asked about borderline is because of the things we talk about on here. You sound so much like me and that's what I have, so I thought maybe you have it too. It's so complicated.

December 9, 2001
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Cloud:Hey only 2 days now to go for you to see barbara and 2 days til i go to my LAST counselling lesson.I feel sick! I can hear your happiness that barbara rung you.

I had a couple of teachers who i felt attched to, my form tutor, and my geography teacher, they both left at the same time! That made me feel awful.Thankfully, my geography teacher comes bk to teacher for a weeek every now and again which makes me happy. She is home now.I see her alot.Its good to hear that you are over your high school attchemnts.
I agree, it is easy to become attached to a counsellor becuase there is stuff you would never tell n e one, but them.They feel special.

How long ago were you told you had BPD? How did they tell you? Did they just come out with it?

Take care
Tinker

December 9, 2001
1:23 pm
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Tinker, Felice is the one who told me I had BPD. I asked her what she thought was wrong with me and she said, a personality disorder. After she said that, I went home and researched all about personality disorders and found a few that I thought could be me. Then I went back to Felice and she eventually told me it was BPD. That's actually when we started having problems. I felt like that diagnosis was a permission for me to act out and be however I wanted. That's when all hell broke loose with Felice.

So this is your last class this Tuesday, huh? I can bet you are nervous. Will you still be able to talk to your tutor? Well, I will be on here for you to talk to. We're here for each other!

((((((((Tinker)))))))))

December 9, 2001
3:21 pm
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Cloud:Thanx for telling me, and for the hug! much needed! Gosh hugs are nice aren't they!

Yes my last lesson is on tuesday. I won't be able to contact my tutor,no, unless she says or something eg.gives me her number, but i doubt it! I am very nervous as i am also going to talk to my class too.I am really scared. i don't think i am ready to end this dependancy! How are you doing? Ok i hope.

I think i am going to ring kay tomorow.The thing is, i say i will but when i go to do it i think, oh i don't need her today,maybe tomorow.But really i do.

Hug to say thanx cloud!

((((((((((((((((_))))))))))))))))))

December 9, 2001
6:17 pm
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Okay, now is the reason you want to call Kay tomorrow because you are nervous about Tuesday? You will probably get to the phone with your intention of calling her and then forget it. I do the same thing. Do you get nervous when you actually do make the call to her? I get that. So nervous my heart is pounding. It's as if I were calling up a celebrity or something.

Can you ask your tutor if it's okay for you to contact her during the holiday break? Or is that not allowed. She HAS been talking personally with you lately. Maybe she would understand your need to continue the relationship. ???

December 10, 2001
12:25 pm
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I am not really sure why i want to call her, i guess just to talk and tell her how bad things are going!I am nervous about tuesday too though.Yes i get very nervous, i think thats why i often put it off.i want to talk to her, but as you say, my heart pounds too.

I don't know if i could ask my tutor if i could contact her.Probably no. I am not going to give up, i want to do the course and i really am going to try everything to do it.If i don't, i won't even see her after the holiday break! I could go up and see her one night, after her lesson, but she goes home afterwards.Yes she has been talking personally with me, more than kay.I feel a big attachement again here! uh oh!!!!

How are you feeling in yourself, and about going to see barbara tomorow? Let me know

Tinker

December 10, 2001
2:41 pm
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Tinker, if Kelly has been talking with you personally then she knows how you've been having problems and trying to get into counseling lately, right? So would she just leave you after this class is over? Won't she keep in touch with you because of the fact that she is being personal with you? I don't know. I thought that there would be a chance that she will "be there" for you after the class is over. It's good that you are not giving up on getting into the next course. Hopefully they will let you.

I'm expecting myself to ask Barbara tomorrow about coming in twice a week. But I know deep down inside that I probably won't ask her. So I'm going to write a little note right now that says in it what I want to ask. And if I don't just come out and say it tomorrow (which I most likely won't), I'll have to pull out the note and shove it in her face. I'm not leaving there tomorrow without some sense of comfort, either in her letting me come in more, or her keeping in touch with me during the week.

December 11, 2001
12:19 pm
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She said no! I asked her at the end of the session if I could come in more than once a week and she said, "Not at the moment; I'm all filled up." I said, "Okay". And then she said we would talk about it next week. At first, I felt really bad about this and Tinker, I tried hard not to DO anything to myself, but it felt so much better after I did. I shouldn't have. I'm mad at myself for it. Then I started to think, well, at least I got out what I wanted to ask. I would be even more angry if I never said anything. So, she said no, but that does not mean that in the future, I won't be able to. So maybe there is hope for that. Well, I'm okay now. How are you?

December 12, 2001
6:49 am
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Hi Cloud:Well it was my last lesson last night.It went good i suppose.I was sick before i went, as i was so nervous about talking.I DID IT! it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. I felt so relaxed and it was the right time.Kelly didn't give me her number....it was so comforting though.I got a lot of hugs last night!It was good.I have said i will regulary go and see kelly-in january as she will be teaching the next course.I am not allowed to do the next one.....she explained i have too many of my own probs...i agree....

i am sorry to hear barbabra said no.Do you think it just wasn't meant to be at the moment then?Maybe in a few weeks she will have a space for you to go twice yeh?I am sorry you had to harm yourself again...i wish i could have been there for you-with you...

Tinker

December 12, 2001
2:06 pm
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cloud
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Tinker, glad your class was so supportive and comforting. That must have felt good. I can only imagine.

Barb and I will work things out. We've got to or I'll go insane. And at least I've found a way to deal with these feelings, even if it is bad.

December 13, 2001
9:46 am
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Cloud:Yeh was comforting but i feel awful know-the dependacy stuff-gosh! why does this always come up, i didn't know i could feel so bad!

How do you mean you have found a way to deal with these feelings? even if bad?

Tinker

December 13, 2001
12:16 pm
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I know. The dependency really hurts inside. Do you ever get this surge of pain that rushes through your body, through your heart and stomach? Not really like pain but almost like an electric shock? Weird.

Just meant that scratchin' helps relieve the hurt, the rejection of not being with the one you want. I know it's bad.

December 13, 2001
12:44 pm
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Cloud: I get ya about the stratching. I don't get that pain you described...i don't think....i just feel numb and no longer a person.who cares about me????? no one when i feel like that. Hey good idea maybe?! A ( or few!) positive new years resolution(s) (for me at least!)
1.Be honest with my parents
2.Think of myself first-unlike i do now-everyone else comes first
3.Don't give a s**t what people think of me. If they don't like it, they can lump it!
4.Go for what i really want in life, not what other want for me
5.......ummm i think thats enough hey?!

Take care Cloud xxx

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