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counseling dependency 2
November 22, 2001
10:44 am
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cloud
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I did call again, but got the machine again. Didn't leave a message this time. Wonder why I was not called back. I'll try again on Monday, but will definitely ask why I was not called back.

I'm sorry that everything with the counseling fell through. I would also be very cautious about telling other people (your group) about how you are feeling. You have no idea how they will react and putting all that trust into a bunch of people is a scary thing. I wouldn't do it myself. You said that calling Kay and explaining how you feel is scary. I guess I see what you mean. I used to feel this way too. In fact, I guess I still do because I told myself earlier this week that I won't ever tell Barbara the truth about how I'm feeling about her. But this will only hurt me in the end because I will never have been honest. So how will she help me to fully recover? (I know, it is up to me to help myself, but I still don't know how to do that.) I only meant that it is good that you are talking to Kay once in a while. I figured, since you are not in counseling now with anyone, you might as well use your calls with Kay to express yourself. Have you asked her if you could go back to her yet? Or the possibility of this?

November 22, 2001
12:18 pm
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Cloud: could you not ring Friday? could there be a reason why she's not ringin back maybe? on a course she didn't tell you about?there may be a reasonable explaination.

It is a scary thing putting my trust in all those people i don't know REALLY well.But like my tutor said, they wouldn't be here if they were jusgemental. they are training to be counsellors too.I have to think about it. They may be able to offer support for me.you said you don't know how to help your self,hey, we've something else in common! Tricky one!
Kay knows i want to go bk to see her but she still thinks its better not to.She did use the word dependant 🙁 i don't think there is even a possibiltiy of this. I just have to find someone else.That makes me angry. Thanx for replying to my other thread 🙂

Big hug goes out to you for being there for me. We are there for each other

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cloud}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]

November 23, 2001
10:15 am
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cloud
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Thanks Tinkerbe11. A hug can sometimes be the best remedy. Don't you think so? Well, I can't call on Friday (today) because for some reason, Barbara has Fridays off from work. So she won't be there. But maybe I will call anyway and leave another message.

So do you think you might talk about your problems with your class then? It's true that they are training to become counselors too. I guess I just always felt that there are only a select few people like me out there and the majority of people just would never understand my problems.

Do you believe that if you eventually begin to see another counselor, that you will become dependent on her too?

November 23, 2001
11:57 am
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Cloud:i definetly think a hug is the best remedy!For sure!

Did u call barbara today?I’m not sure yet if I will share with my class. I suppose I have to learn to trust, but like you said I do agree that I think only a few people understand. I did tell one person when we were doing an exercise but I felt she talked to me as if her problems were worse than mine. It made me feel horrible-unlike when I talked to my tutor, who is a counsellor.
I don’t know what I am going to do about another counsellor. I really feel I need it. I won’t give up. I gota see someone. I don’t know if I will become to attched if I do see someone else. I think not, but I think this most times! Like with kelly my course tutor. In a way I hope I do, but in a way I don’t. I guess u can see where I’m coming from yes?! If I become attched to her/dependant, I feel she will care. If not then she doesn’t.

How are you getting on at school? Are you mangaing to stay on top of it all feeling so rough? I have only got 3 more classes of my counselling course, but after christmas I am going to do the nxt level which is for 6 months. At least I won’t loose the attchment feeling of kelly-the tutor. It will be hard over xmas tho. I won’t see any of my class for about 3 wekks. The nxt class starts on 15th of january.

Happy thanks giving by the way for the other day!

Tinkerbe11

November 24, 2001
3:30 pm
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cloud
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Hi Tinkerbe11. That's how I feel too. I don't really want to become too dependent and attached to a certain person because I know it's not good and it always winds up hurting me in the long run. But on the other hand, I like getting attached to a certain person because it makes me feel like I have meaning to my life. And that someone DOES care about me. When I have no one, I feel I am unloved and uncared for.

I didn't call Barbara today because I know for sure she is not there on weekends. But I might call her on Monday. If I don't, I AM going to mention it on Tuesday about why she didn't call me back.

School is still hard. I still did not start my paper. In fact, I should be doing it now, but I decided to check the boards first. I might have to explain to my professor the reason why I am having so much trouble this semester with starting my paper. I highly doubt he will understand though.

You're right, it probably will be touch getting through the Xmas break. I have 3 weeks off too! Luckily, my therapist/attachment is not at my school or I wouldn't be seeing her for 3 weeks. Have you called Kay lately?

November 25, 2001
10:19 am
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Cloud: i feel that too-if i'm not attached then i'm not loved or cared for.

I should ask barbara too why she didn't ring you back. I am kinda angry for u.

I don't know about you, but my male teachers don't seem to understand as well as my women teachers so i could NEVER get attached to a male i don't think.

Your are lucky.I have only 2 weeks off college.i want more! But i have lots of time to pass till i go back to my counselling course (at night school).

The last time i called kay was wednesday.I am not sure whe i will ring again.She seemed annoyed i had rung and this time didn't say 'ring tomorow or nxt week.....' she just said ring if you need to.

Tinker

November 25, 2001
2:55 pm
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Tinkerbe11, you never know exactly why Kay didn't tell you to call her. She could have been having a bad day or whatnot. But I'm sure it had nothing to do with you. Sometimes we assume that someone else is annoyed at us, or mad or whatever, but it's just our own interpretation of the situation. I know I do that all the time too. Like, it probably had nothing to do with me when Barbara didn't call me back. It probably had to do with the fact that she was stressed about the approaching holiday. She did tell me that last Tuesday. But thanks for feeling that anger with me. I will ask her about it this week and let you know her reasoning.

I could never get attached to a male either. For some reason, it's always women. I guess they stand for a mother-figure type. Maybe this is true for you too since you have issues with when your mother was ill.

Yes, you say you want more time off from school but then, my dear, that would mean more time away from your tutor...possibly a new attachment. I know what you mean though. I'm glad I have three weeks off. Some other colleges around here get 4!

Hang in there Tinker! ((((((()))))))

November 26, 2001
3:34 am
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Cloud: Thats true, i don't know why she didn't say to call back.I spose i will never know. One of my big problems tho is thinking (like you suggested) people are angry or annoyed with me.

What you said about the mother figure, i agree.Did u feel kinda rejected when your brother was ill by your parents? I did.I thinks thats why are dependant issues come up.I/ we didn't have the love then, so we want it now.

You're lucky you get 3 weeks off! I think i am confusing u a bit!!! I get confused myslef! I go to school/college in the day (and have no attachemnts there really) and go bk to my school on a tuesday night (for the counselling course, where i feel the attachment to that tutor)for 3 hrs.Sorry if this is confusing! I get 4 weeks off my counselling course and 2 weeks off scholl/college. i wish i had more time off school/college! ah! confusing hey?!

Just when i start to get my life sorted out, it all goes wrong again!

Tinker

November 26, 2001
3:18 pm
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Hey Tinkerbe: that's what I meant. Your counseling course and your tutor. Oh, so you have 4 weeks off from that. How are you going to get through with your tutor for 4 weeks? I can't even imagine not seeing Barb for 4 weeks. 1 week is enough trouble. I'm going to ask Barb tomorrow if I can come in 2x a week. See what she says.

Yes, when my brother was sick, I felt very neglected. I used to have to sleep over my grandmother's house because if I was sick, I could be near my brother (who had cancer). I missed my mom so much back then. But my parents did the best they knew how to do at the time. So I don't blame them or anything. But I definitely expect them to understand why I am having these issues now. How was it for you?

November 27, 2001
5:17 am
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Cloud:That is a very good question!How am i going to get through it?I suppose i will have to be strong(HARD!).At least i know i have kay there for some of the time-over the phone at least!I don't know when she is having time off tho.

I am not really sure if i should expect my parents to understand how i feel now. They don't know about my dependancy and that i have rung kay so many times.I'm scared i will be rejceted if i tell them.

Tinker

November 27, 2001
4:11 pm
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cloud
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I know. I feel the same with my parents. I know I can probably talk about it with my mom, but definitely not my dad. Just the other day, he read a poem that I accidentally left out and it was about my feeling of emptiness. He said it was a great poem and added, "But you're not feeling this way anymore, right?" I was like, "Dad, ok." He would never understand.

Today is a bad day for me. I fetlt panicky and so so empty after my session today. First of all, I never asked Barbara why she didn't call me back last week, and she never said anything about it either. Then I didn't ask her about me coming in 2x a week either. I was so mad at myself. When I left, I felt so horrible, so desperate to see her again. As soon as I got home, I broke out into tears. Luckily, I was home alone. Gosh, I wanted to end it all right there. I called Barbara. I left a message for her to call me back. She never did. I'm devastated. What if I was going to kill myself and she never called me back. I feel so alone. I took medication and now feel like a zombie. How will I get through these unbearable feelings I have? Tinkerbe, I hope your counseling course goes nicely tonight. Let me know. Talk to you soon.

November 28, 2001
4:27 am
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Cloud:I could never talk to my dada either about my dependancy.He would just think i'm being stupid.

Im so sorry how you are feeling after seeing barbara. I can understand.I used to go into to see kay thinking i would tell her loadsa stuff i wanted to get off my chest, but never did.I ahted myself for not.You have to tell yourself you must ask y she isn't ringing bk.If nessesary, write it on your hand!You must.

Wot meds are you taking? Did they help at all? You know i said i didn't something stupid the other night and called kay a few days later which helped, i did it again.I'm not ringing kay.Im angry.she said if i did it again she might have to tell someone.NO! confidentiallity comes to mind! I scratched my wrists.Im so frustrated, i don't really no what about-just loadsa stuff i can't get out of me.

Don't think about killing yourself cloud.You are my new found friend and i care for you a lot. I can feel your desperation.Im sad for you.You can talk to me cloud.Wot are we guna do with us both hey?!!

My course was good.I didn't say about my mum and how i was feeling to my class (ive writtin about it on the other thread). I am goig to next week. Talk to u soon. Heres a BIGGG hug from me.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Cloud))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

November 28, 2001
6:11 pm
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Tinkerbe11: I am still wondering why Barbara didn't call me back yesterday (and the day last week). I called her again today and left another message saying that I don't know whether she got my message from yesterday or not. And she didn't call me back again! I'm starting to think there is something wrong with her recorder. This is causing me to feel out of control and might make me call again tomorrow if she doesn't acknowledge my calls. I felt so horrible yesterday. And she wasn't there when I needed her. Like you said, you feel frustrated because Kay said she would tell someone if you keep calling her, I feel so frustrated too because of Barbara. You scratched your wrists. I snap mine with hair bands until they swell up. I don't have the guts to cut myself. I'm so sorry we have to go through these things. It sucks. I'm here for you as you are there for me. Thanks Tinkerbe.

November 29, 2001
8:30 am
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Hello cloud:I bet you are very frustrated right now-about barbara not calling you back. Why is it you would like to talk to her?As you say, she may just have a fault on her machine.

Kay said she would tell someone if i was in danger-thats what i meant. I had scratched my wrist before and i told her and thats what i meant by she would have to tell someone if i did it again.
I don't cut them. I just scratch them with a pin-just as bad spose.I am really thinking of asking kay to see me again-just once i think.Show her.not tell her over the phone.Does barb know what you do to your wrists?

Im soprry we have to go through these things to. It DEFINETLY sucks!

HUG NEEDED!

(((((((((((CLOUD AND TINKER)))))))))))

November 29, 2001
12:07 pm
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Tinkerbe: That hug was very much needed. Thank you. The reason I want to talk to Barbara all started Tuesday after I got out of our session. When our session is about to end, I feel panicky because I'm going to have to leave and then not see her for a week. And at that time, it seems so horrible. I feel desperate. So when I came home that day, I was really bad. I called her then expecting to be able to talk to her about how I was feeling. Being she didn't call me back, that's why I called again yesterday. Now I am getting mad and frustrated though, that she never returned either of my phone calls, which makes me want to call again just to say how mad I am. The first reason I called isn't even involved in my current reasons for calling. Confusing, huh? I've never told anyone about what I do sometimes when I feel really bad, except on here, and to my best friend. If I told Barbara then I know she would have to tell my parents and I don't want them to know. That's what Kay was talking about I guess. I know how it feels. You want one particular person to know about it so that they can help you, but you don't want others, like your parents to know. That's how I am at least. You said you use a pin to scratch them. Do you do it so that it bleeds? Most people who do something to themselves have a reason for it. A primary and secondary gain from it. I've never blead. I don't like blood. But I guess I do it because I hate myself and feel empty. Do you think Kay will agree to let you come in?

November 29, 2001
2:48 pm
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Cloud:I never do it so it bleeds no, and don't think i ever would.I hate blood too.I told my best friend for the first time today.It scared me so much tho.It shocked her.She will never tell any one tho. I trust her 101%.I agree. You want one person to know so much but can't tell them (eg kay).

Doens't it make you so mad when u can't tell them because they would have to tell someone -eg parents.I know parents may have a right to know but hey....its our lives.

I don't know why i did it.Maybe bordem-as was ill of school,but i don't think so.I was angry with myself.It has been building up for a while.i felt empty too.Its horrible isn't it.

Kay can't really not agree to see me again.My parents found out i had rung her.My mum was shocked i didn't tell her, dad just worried bout the bill!! (JK- only a bit!)

Are you going to call barbara again tomorw?Does it seem like when u try and try to ring her it comes back to tuesday again?

Thank goodness we found each other on here.(that how i feel n e way! )

Tinker

November 29, 2001
4:45 pm
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Tinkerbe: I trust my best friend too. Or else, I wouldn't tell her. My friend does not like when I tell her what I do though. She doesn't want me hurting myself, but she doesn't know how bad I feel when I am desperate and don't know what to do. My best friend was with me the day Felice kicked me out of the counseling center. How I layed on the ground in front of the building in 100 degree weather. I took too many pills hoping I would just die right there. She sat with me for hours in the heat, trying to calm me down. I love her for that. That's why she is my best friend.

Is it an expensive call for you to make to Kay? That's unfortunate. My 30 seconds calls that I used to make to Felice just to hear her voice message would cost money too. So I got a cell phone. Then no one knew I was even making those calls. Now, whenever I call Barb, I usually do it from my cell. I'm not going to call her anymore this week. But I'm mad at her. I'm going to tell her that I tried to harm myself because she didn't call back. Then she will get the point!

I'm so glad we met on here too. Talking with you really helps. I don't have anyone else I can tell this serious stuff to. Thanks 🙂

November 30, 2001
7:05 am
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Cloud:Yes i agree. My friend was telling me how low she felt the other day and when i told her what i had done to my arms, it scared her.she said i must have been so low to have done that because she wouldn't have ever thought of doing that.she obviously don't get how i feel.

When you took the pills, did u want to die or were u upset?

The call isn't really expensive-not really.I have got a cell phone too, but thats would cost a hell of a lot of money!55 mins on a cell phone to the next town would be extortionate!

Yes maybe if you tell her what you did, maybe she will listen.I feel exactly like that with kay.If she knew, she would have to listen to me.

yes talking really helps doesn't it.I haven't said all this to anyone really-bits to my friend but never this much. Thanx 🙂

Tinker

November 30, 2001
3:13 pm
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Tinker: Did your friend help you to feel a little better when you told her what you had done? Were you able to talk to her about it? I have such a hard time explainig the way I feel to my best friend because however I try to explain it, she never truly gets it. When I took the pills the other day, I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better or feel "numb" which this medicine does for me. The things that we do, are they desperate attempts to get attention from one particular person? Why do we do it? Gosh, I'm glad, in a way, that I'm not the only one. But also sad and angry that anyone should have to feel this way. What did we do to deserve it?

December 1, 2001
10:48 am
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Cloud:I am glad i told my friend, but it didn't really help!She didn't understand.I kept saying to her-talk to me, but she couldn't. she couldn't even look me in the eye!I am not sure whether we do it do get attention, maybe we do.my friend said she would be able to understand if i did what i did to get attention, but i didn't tell anyone but her (and my tutor).I am glad too i am not the only one who feels this way but its horrible isn't it.i have never had this feeling before and is not describably is it?- in that i want to be dependant to feel loved but i don't because it causes big problems yeh?

How are you getting on? I am feeling a bit better. I did somehting of use to me yesterday! I threw the pins away, so that even if i feel frustrated and want to do it again i can't ! they're in the bin!

Tinker 🙂

December 2, 2001
3:21 pm
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Tinker, would you be mad at me if I told you that I've used your pin idea? I'm glad for you that you were able to throw the pins away. You are smart and have will power! I want to be dependent too, because then I feel loved and cared for. That's why, all week, I've been actually feeling a little happy, knowing that I have become attached to Barbara. Now I finally have someone to feel attached to again. It had been a long time without anyone...since June. It feels so good again. But then, I realize that it will cause pain in the end. But I can't help that now. I like feeling good like this. I can't wait to see Barbara on Tuesday. I miss her so much!

December 3, 2001
6:41 am
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Cloud:Oh no! I am mad yes! Stupid question really.I couldn't believe it when i read it. Y? Its no good. I understand how u must have had to urge to do it, thats y i think i did it. I read i post called "cutting again".Did it bleed? When did u do this?My scars all up my arms have not gone yet unfortuantly. I keep getting the urge to do it. I CAN'T, I MUSTN'T! U gota keep saying that.Im fed up of that fact, n e way, that i can't wear short sleeved tops! I feel frustrated right now-don't know why, i wana do it but i mustn't.

Last night i just layed in bed shaking loads.I couldn't calm myslef down. Im scared about telling my group tomorow-tuesday but i so want to say it. No doubt i will end up crying or running out!

Its good that you feel happy, but is it really for the right reasons? I can so see where u r coming from! I felt like that too.I can now see that the dependcy on kay was doing no good for me.-thats so hard to say and i MISS HER SO MUCH!Theres isn't day goes by when i don't think about her and what she might be doing.

Its like me and u r are twins and we never knew it! We think SO alike don't we?!

Tinker xxxxx

December 3, 2001
12:22 pm
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Tinker, maybe you and I were separated at birth and don't know it 🙂 ??? Well, even so, we DO think a lot alike. I never knew there was someone else out there that thought the way I do about things.

Listen, I'm sorry I took your idea of the pins. It's just that it seemed like such a better idea that the one I was using...hair bands. I did this on Tuesday after my session last week, after I called Barbara and she didn't call me back. It didn't bleed though. I made sure of that. Right now, where I live, it is not warm enough to be wearing short sleeves, so I am with my long sleeves all the time. And I'm always cold anyway. But you're right. It's not good. Okay...we need to make a pact...that we will not use pins or anything. That we will talk about how we are feeling and write or something else, instead.

So what is it exactly that you are scared about for Tuesday night? You already know that these classmates of yours are going to be non-judgemental and caring, because you saw with your own eyes last Tuesday night. You also said that last Tuesday night, some of the students who "talked" became very upset. It's true, you may become very upset and cry or want to leave. But remember, your class will be there for you. And your teacher too, right? I really think this will work out for you.

This happiness that I feel about being attached to Barbara is short-lived. I'm already dreading the end of the hour tomorrow when I'll go home feeling so desperate. Why can't the hour last all day? Why can't I see her more often? Why can't she just take care of me forever? I know...stupid questions.

Take care...

December 3, 2001
1:55 pm
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Cloud:Yes i think we were separtated at birth!Good thing that u don't have to wear short sleeves right now yeh? I am not worried you "took my idea"! i'm worried FOR U!

Yes we need to make a pact!When u feel the need to do it-come on here. i know we won't be there for each other 24/7 but ya always in my thoughts cloud.

Oh sorry......i will be back don't worry. If you read this... i haven't finished yet! ok? i JUST POPPING OUT BUT I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I GET IN.

.....TO BE CONTINUED!! 🙂

December 3, 2001
3:53 pm
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Ok i am back now! 1 hr later....

I am scared about tuesday night,yes.I am worried.i knwo they haven't judged other but i scared i will be difffernt as i am the baby of the group-the youngest there.I am hopeing my class mates will be there for me. i am sure they will. one person has described me as thier lil' sister as i am youngest of the group.i thought that was nice of them to say that infront of everyone!

i can imagine how you feel right now-about the end of tomorows session with barbara. u going to tell her what u did? i am going to tell my class what i did. im not proud tho. do u know? writing on here has made me really happy. will u promise after tomorows session you will write on here-even if it is about what you feel like doing or talk a load of babble. i don't mind. we r hear for each other.

xxx take care and no..........sctratchin! TINKER BE MAD CLOUD!

hERE'S A HUG 🙂

(((((((((((cloud)))))))))))))0

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