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counseling dependency 2
November 8, 2001
3:28 am
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Tinkerbe11
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Cloud:Nothing is for definate.The lady has to ask if she can come into my school first. she may not be allowed.Yes she is a qualified counsellor.It doesn't mean i will never be going to see kay again.She is a different type of counsellor.I am ringing her tomorow. she did say it would make sense for me to see her again if i needed to, rather than start over with some one knew-which i'd prefer.i just feel in a mess at the mo.

i am glad u r doing fine and school has been keeping you busy. it is not really long now until u see barbara is it? is it this tuesday?

Tinkerbe11

November 8, 2001
3:01 pm
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Hey,what's up Tinkerbe? You said you are in a mess at the moment.
Yeah, I see Barb this Tuesday.

November 9, 2001
3:21 am
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Hi Cloud:I just mean my head seems all over the place-not knowing if i'm coming or goign, so much to do and sort out.I am ringing kay later on today to talk.dont know what she will say, but hey.

November 10, 2001
11:15 am
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Hey Tinkerbe11: How did your talk with Kay go? I'm looking forward to talking to Barbara again this week. Just have to get through this weekend first.

November 10, 2001
12:34 pm
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Hi Cloud:My talk with kay didn't happen!i rang her in the morning, when she said to ring but she must have made an appointment with someone at the last minute, as she was with someone. i left a message for her to ring back but after 2 hours she hadn't and i had to go out.what i think must have happened was she rang whilst i was out but didn't leave a message on my answer phone cos she knew my parents didn't know i rang her. Now i have to wait 2 more days (because of the weekend). I will have to try again on monday.I was disapointed in a way but it didn't get to me as much as i thought it would.

You said you first have to get through the weekend, i think the weekends are the toughest.Its always hard knowing im not able to ring kay if anything goes wrong.
U sound like ya doing ok.But i don't know nothing do I! How do u feel you have coped without barbara these last weeks?

Tinkerbe11

November 10, 2001
5:03 pm
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Oh Tinkerbe, I'm sorry you didn't get to talk to Kay yesterday. I hate when things like that happen. Sometimes when things like that would happen to me, I'd sort of feel like it was on purpose in a way. Well, at least you will get to talk to her on Monday hopefully. It's probably a good thing she didn't leave a message on your machine while you were out. Then you would have to deal with your parents when they found out.

I've gotten through these weeks without Barbara, and during this time, my small attachment to her has lessened. That's because I haven't seen her and it wasn't that big of an attachment to begin with. Also, I had that "run-in" with Felice which threw me off track for a while there. Suddenly I was obsessed with her again. But now that I'll be going back to Barbara, I have a feeling my dependency on her will start to grow again.

November 12, 2001
11:43 am
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Hi Cloud:i thought i had replied to your last post but obvoiusly i dreamt it! Yes it was a good thing she didn't leave a message on friday.I rang her today and got through straight away.she said she didn't get my message for her to ring me until late by which time it WAS too late.I spoke to her for a long time again today on the phone.I told her somehting stupid i did last night.i know i shouldn't have really but i was cryin on the phone.she kept asking if i was ok.she set me a few things to do-like as if we were still in sessions and said i could ring her ANY time again, whether it be again today, tomorow, thursday or next week.I felt hope again.I will see if that lady at my course tomorow night has sorted anything, hopefully she has but i'm not holding out any hope.will just have to see.

I am glad you have gotten through the weeks without barbara. how do u think you have coped? i can see how your attachment has lessened then you think it will increase when you go back. this is why kay said my anxiety will eventually decrease and seeing her would pro'long that. how you feel about seeing barbara tomorow?

Tinkerbe11

November 12, 2001
12:17 pm
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Tinkerbe11: Hey, I'm really happy for you that you got to talk to Kay. She seems so nice too, telling you that you can ring her anytime. The thing you told about something last night, was it bad? I hope she helped you through it. So when do you think you will call her again?

I'm not sure how I got through these past 2 weeks. I think it is because I had all this school work to do that I wasn't even really thinking about it. Also, I took the time to write more poetry to get out my feelings. But I have a feeling that it's just going to go back to being attached again after tomorrow. We'll see.

November 13, 2001
5:15 am
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Hey Cloud:I'm glad you are happy for me.That's good.My happiness can be shared with other (obviously not the same really is it.)I thought it was so nice of her too saying i can ring her anytime. i am lucky really i think.she also said even though i am not seeing her on a weekly basis, it doesn't mean she's not supporting me. she said she's behind me all the way.
What i told you about that night, it was bad yes.in my eyes for me it was.she did help me through it and asked why i thought i did it.don't know what i would do without her. i am not sure when i will ring her again. i will just take each day as it comes.she said if i wanted to check out the things she set me to do yesterday, i could ring her to chat about them.

In a way i was good that your school work was keeping you busy. Did it take your mind of her yes?Its great that you can express your feelings in your poetry. do others read them? i can understand how you are worried you will become attached again after today.i think to attachment to kay has increased again a bit after ringing her these last few weeks. i just see it as that i needed her help and the attachment is not to be dealt with/worried about. i needed to ring her and that was more important than dealing with the attachment.that make sense to you?

let me know how you get on with barbara later won't you.

Tinkerbe11

November 13, 2001
12:21 pm
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Hi Tinkerbe11: Well, my session with Barbara went so quickly. Before I went, I said to myself, I really don't even want to go. I was enjoying not having to get ready to go there. Then while I was there, it was like I never left. (Oh, I just forgot that I never even asked Barbara how her vacation went. Now I feel bad.) But anyway, now I am out and I am sort of feeling bad because I won't get to see her until next week. I think my attachment has come back. Actually, I am sure of it. While I was there, I kept trying to stall, but that doesn't help me at all because she never lets me stay beyond the 50 mins. She's always in a rush at the end of our sessions. And I try to gain a few more mins, but it never works. I really haven't been working hard in school lately. I'm slacking a little. I have this outline for a paper due this Thursday and I didn't even start it yet. The reason is because I've been spending so much time writing poetry lately, that I brush everything else off. (Sometimes I bring the poems in to Barbara for her to read. But mostly I just keep them to myself because a lot of the poems are really personal about my feelings and wouldn't want anyone to know I write such poetry.) I told Barbara this, and she told me I have to do the paper, but I know that. I just can't get the motivation to do it. I wanted Barbara to empathize with me today and make me feel safe. But now that I'm gone, I just feel even more alone. I don't think she understands that I need to have someone who I can depend on or else I can't stand to be. She says that is not the way it should be. I have to learn boundaries and learn to bring people into my life gradually. But what if it's already started to happen with her? How will she help me through it? Will she be harsh on me and not give me any extra time, or will she nurture whatever it is I need nurturing? That's the question.

It's good that Kay was able to help you with whatever it was you did the night before. So I guess tonight you will find out about that other lady at your school, right? Let me know what she says.

November 13, 2001
8:04 pm
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I have this incredible urge to call Barbara tomorrow, but the problem is, I don't really have anything I need to talk to her about in particular. I just feel the need to call her. I feel like I can't go a week without talking to her. And I hate it when I leave my session and she says she will see me next week. It seems like forever. I know, I know...I just got through 2 weeks, so why would it be so hard to get through 1 week? But I still feel the way I do. The worst part is that my need never gets fulfilled. If I were to be permitted to see Barbara 2x a week, it would be great at first. But it's never enough. It's like I always want more. And they can't give anymore. How can I make myself understand that and accept it?

November 14, 2001
8:41 am
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Cloud: I don’t really know where to start. I will leave me till last. That’s what I some times think about Kay-that she doesn’t/ didn’t understand I needed someone who I could depend on. How did felice help you through it when she found out you were dependant on her? Are you angry (not sure that’s the word-don’t really know what I mean!) at Barbara?

I didn’t reply last night because I was at my counselling course. This is kind of complicated. U don’t have to read it if you get bored. What a night!! The lady who was going to ask if she could come into my school-the lady who runs the residential weekend didn’t come in (as she’s not always there), but at the beginning, Kelly, who I thought I felt attached to, who is the tutor said that the counselling phone number she gave me last week actually does counselling connected with my school, but would have to go to the youth centre instead as they don’t go to my school. Its better than nothing. Anyway. She asked my class if they wanted to see a ‘real counselling session’ in practice and we said yes. The other tutor who is currently doing a diploma counsellled someone in our class and we watched. This lady talked about loads of horrible problems she had and I could relate to a lot of them. I suddenly started to panic because it distressed me SO much, I had to leave and go to the toilet. Someone came after me a few mins later to see if I was actually going to the toilet or I was upset! I said I was ok but would sit out side the room until the break for coffee (15 mins). She gave me a hug and got my chair. I sat outside in the corridor crying. Kelly, the tutor came out to see if I was ok and the others came out a minute later. She asked if I wanted a chat while they were at coffee. I sat with her (with the lady who was counselled across the other side of the room crying). I felt so stupid. 2 people crying! I sat and told her so much stuff including what I did that night-that probably didn’t make sense as I had to get it all out. She was so comforting to me. She hugged me lots, which made me feel much better. She said she was always there if I needed to talk. I am going to give this place a ring see if they can fit me in, in school time. I wasn’t sure if I should ring Kay today to tell her about last night, as it was huge thing for me and tell her how I got on with the stuff she set me. What you think? Are you going to ring Barbara today?

Sorry if this is all unclear!

Tinkerbe11

November 15, 2001
3:17 pm
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Tinkerbe11: From your last post, it seems that you have many people in your life that really care about you. Your tutors at school have really made an effort to help you find counseling. I hope this youth center will be able to provide you with the counseling you desire. Is this youth center far from your school or your home? So have you spoken to Kay about the recent events from Tuesday? I'm really glad that these people at your school are helping you out. I'm sorry for how you were feeling though.

November 16, 2001
5:03 am
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Cloud: you said that it seemed many people care about me, well at the moment it certainly doesn't seem like that.the youth centre isn't far from my home or school at all. i live nxt to my school and the youth centre is 2 mins walk away so that ok

i haven't spoken to kay about tuesday yet. i don't know whether to ring her or not.

Did you call barbara on wednesday? how are you feeling about seeing her again?

Tinkerbe11

November 16, 2001
12:24 pm
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Tinkerbe11: Why doesn't it seem that people care about you? What is it that you're feeling? I hope you know that I do care. Because we are so much alike, I feel we really understand each other.

I guess I can see what you mean, now that I think about it. I was actually just thinking to myself about 5 minutes ago, that nobody cares about me. I mean if people really did care, wouldn't they be there for you whenever you needed them? If my counselor really cared, wouldn't she give me extra time and make me know that she cares? I don't know.

I didn't call Barbara this week because I feel like I'd be bothering her. And the truth is, I didn't have anything in particular I needed to talk about. I would have just been calling her to hear her voice. And I don't know what I would have said. So I'm getting through this week, awaiting next week. I did write her a letter though. I wrote her a letter and I'm going to give it to her on Tuesday. It explains how I'm feeling about my future (badly).

Are you going to ring Kay today? She did say you could call her whenever you needed to.

November 17, 2001
4:52 am
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Cloud:Don't get me wrong, i care a lot about you too.I can consider you as a friend now.You are right, we ARE SO much alike it unbelieveable!

I feel most people tend to walk over me and i just get the general feeling i'm not loved.Im not sure if that boy i told you has got anything to do with it, but i doubt it.He made me so happy, now i can't have him.Its like that a bit with kay i suppose.

I can understand what you said if your counsellor really cared, whe'd be there for you, but the way i see it now is that's their job.i suppose everyone is different at showing they care and ovboiusly yours doesn't show it much.i suppose i am lucky then-in having kelly (my tutor at the counselling course). i now feel she DOES CARE about me and although she's not my counsellor, i can talk to her.she is also running the next counselling course i intend to do which runs from january to july which is an extra 6 months.

Does Barbara ever say to you that you can ring her?even if she doesn't, it may mean she has a tight schedule.its up to you how you think about it but i can understand.I went through a time i thought kay thought i was just an inconveniece.

What made you write a letter to barbara? i didn't phone kay yesterday (friday) as like you, i didn't really have much to say-well i did but i didn't really feel the need, prob because i have been ill off school and the stress wasn't there! i spose i felt strong (which is a first)! i might try monday.

Tinkerbe11

November 18, 2001
3:49 pm
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Hey Tinkerbe11, I'm glad you said you feel strong. Or at least stronger. That's a good thing. What do you think has made you feel better lately? I have been preparing myself for Tuesday. I have the letter I wrote and a poem too. The reason I wrote the letter is because I can write things down better than I can say them. And once she reads the letter, things will be more out in the open. This would probably not happen if I just sat and talked. Barbara never said I could ring her. Yeah, now that I think about it, that's weird isn't it? I am going to ask about that on Tuesday. But I know that if I need to, I can, like I have twice already.

November 19, 2001
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Hiya Cloud:I don't know what has made me feel stronger but i can almost be sure it won't last! It never does.

I can also write things down better than saying them! Its good you have wrote how you feel in the letter to her.

I feel lost at the moment (u prob.won't know what i mean by that) but i just do...

Tinkerbe11

November 19, 2001
3:19 pm
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hey why do you feel lost?

November 20, 2001
5:32 am
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My life doesn't seem good, and feeling like i do, i feel NO ONE can help me.Im all alone.

U have your counselling session today? How'd it go? Let me know

Tinkerbe11

November 20, 2001
12:36 pm
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Tinkerbe11: What happened that made you feel so alone and that your life is no good? Did something specific happen or is this just the way you're feeling in general? You have your counseling course tonight, right? Maybe you will find out if you are going to get to go to that youth center counseling.

I'm feeling the same way right now. I just got out of my session with Barbara and I feel like she doesn't really care about me. I know it's just her job and that she has a life, family, and other clients, but I wish she could give me a little more than she's currently giving me. Today I gave her the letter I wrote to her and she read it. She said it was very good because it got my feelings out. Then I gave her this poem that I wrote about feeling empty and wanting someone to hug me and hold me and take care of me. She hardly said anything about that poem and that was a very important poem to me because it says what I want and need. It wasn't necessarily for her. I just meant in general. Now I won't see her for another week and of course, I feel funny about calling her, say tomorrow, because I would really only be calling her to hear her voice. She doesn't understand how bad I feel. Gosh, if she could just give me a hug, I would feel so happy. But I feel like I have no skin. Nothing to cover and protect me. Exposed. I don't think she gets how seriously bad I feel. The only way to get the point across is to tell her the truth about how bad I feel. Feeling like I want to die. I think I'm going to tell her next week. Then she'll know how serious I am.

November 20, 2001
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I am confused and mad right now. I called Barbara at 4:30 and left a message on her answering machine to call me back because I needed to ask her a question about an assignment she gave me. And I figured she had enough time to call me back, whether at home or on my cell phone. Well, she never called me. I am at work now so I don't know if she really did call me, like at home, and I just don't know about it because I'm at work. Well, you know what? This just gives me an excuse to call her again tomorrow...because she didn't return my call. How disregarded I feel.

November 21, 2001
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Cloud:im just feeling like that in general.i feel so bad at the moment.duno wot to do.I can unedrsatnd how u feel barbara doesn't care about you. i feel that about everyone at the moment-including kay most of the time. i just rung her.she helped me loads.Its good barb was pleased that you wrote her that letter. i wish i could tell kay how really bad i feel.no one is helping me.i can't see a counsellor. i need it.i'm lost in my own little world... kay has made me feel a bit more positive tho.ahhhhhh!

it sounds like you are very frustrated at the oment about barb not ringing bk. i tell u i would be.

Tinkerbe11

November 21, 2001
12:22 pm
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Tinkerbe11: Yes, I am very frustrated and now it's Wednesday and she still hasn't called. So I am going to call her again when I get home from school, which I'm leaving in a few minutes.

Anyway, what happened with the counseling that you were going to get at the youth center? And what ever happened with all the people you spoke with last week at your counseling class? I thought they were working on something to help you get into somewhere. Did it just fall through? I'm very glad that you did call Kay. Feeling as bad as you seem to be feeling, it was necessary to call her. Did she help you? I think you need to explain to her, because she is the only one you have right now that is sort of helping/counseling you, exactly how bad you are feeling. I know you can do it. I know you can talk about your bad feelings because you've done it on here. But you need to tell Kay. Okay? Please do that for yourself. Call her again today. I've seen the other thread you've posted and I'm glad you are reaching out. What is is exactly that is making you feel so badly recently? Let's talk about it. I'm here for you. I DO care about you.

Here's a hug from me to you

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tinkerbe11))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

November 22, 2001
5:57 am
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Cloud:Ah thanx so much. I found out the youth centre only does counselling in the evening which i can't go to as i don't want my parents to know i am going.Everything has seemed to just fall through.my tutor thinks is hould share my worries with my group - to act as a suport... i duno tho. i find trust hard. Kay helped me feel a bit more positive about things, but in another way i felt of an inconvenice to her ans still do. what you said about me ringing kay again about how i feel kinda scares me.It would be admitting-to myself too- how bad i do actually feel. im in denial most of the time!

i don't know whats amking me feel so badly at the moment.I thinks it is because exactly one yr this month i fell ill with this s**t feeling of panic and anxiety. If i had never been ill, my life would be so much better. one thing i do believe is it was obvoiusly ment to be. natures way of testing me to see if i can cope.i gota prove i can (but thats so hard!!!)

I am sorry how you feel about barbara not ringing back. i would feel exactly the same.Gosh i would be angry!Did you get through again yesterday? (sorry! the time difference is a bit of a poo! you are 5 hrs behind me. NY-UK) oh well not a prob here. We are here for each other 🙂

Tinkerbe11

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