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counseling dependency 2
October 28, 2001
6:19 pm
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cloud
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Tinkerbe11: First of all, was it a good relationship? I think you're gonna have to go with your gut on this one, being that you attribute a lot of your illness to the split with him. (Unless, maybe you could call Kay???) Maybe you should just take it slowly and hang out with him again, but don't get too serious too soon. Remember, you still have a lot of things to work out for yourself before you can really give your all to someone else. Hope this helps!

Anonymous: Was this the first counselor/person that you become dependent on? Do you ever think it could happen to you again?

October 29, 2001
6:12 am
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Cloud:Yeh. Thanx this helped. I don't really think i can call kay.Won't she just think "oh her again". She said to ring her after i've used all the tools i've learnt and ring her as a last resort but this is different.I want to ring her to see what she has to say but what will she think of me?? I keep thinking she'll think that i'm just a teenager wanting advice on a stupid little relationship. I do think it would be good to call her as it did affect me a great deal (splitting up with him) and i talked about it a lot (with kay).
Yes it was a good relationship while it lasted. I felt good about myself cos he showed me so much affection.Thanx

Annonomous: you said you believed ending the relationship would be one of the hardest parts, but you'd be surprised but this was for me. Do you have any advice on how to put it to the bk of my mind seen as you seem to of got over it great. That takes a lot of strength. Well done i say!

Tinkerbe11

October 29, 2001
11:45 am
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Yes, it was my first and only counseling experience. I don't see the dependancy taking effect again because during the counseling process I was working through an extremely difficult program which increased the dependancy, but that is not the case now.

Tinkerbe11, I would recommend not to force yourself to put it in the back of your mind because if you are consciously trying to resolve it, it is not leaving your mind. You just have to let nature take it's course. If you have another counselor right now, focus on that relationship. If not and you left counseling because you were ready to, take strength in that.

October 29, 2001
1:53 pm
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Annonomous:I didn't leave counselling coz i felt better its cos it was only a short term program.I feel she obviuosly has much more important people to see than me.When something goes wrong i just want to talk to her. I am not currently in counselling but am thinking about going to my college's counsellor. I feel KNOWONE will be like her.When i feel attached (to someone like kay-my counsellor) i feel safe.Nothing bad will happen,she will be there.Now that i don't have her by my side its like trying to walk across a river with no help(if that makes sense!)

Tinkerbe11

October 29, 2001
8:17 pm
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Tinkerbe11: Everything you say makes total sense to me. I believe Anonymous is right. Don't try to consciously push your dependency on Kay to the back of your mind. This will only make you think about it more. All of this will take time, but eventually, you will start to feel your dependency fading. I have a question for you...do you think that if you go to a new counselor at your school, that you will become dependent on him/her too? Everytime I've ever started with a new counselor, I've said that I would not become dependent on that new person because I was still attached to the previous person. But then it somehow happens anyway. Somewhere deep inside of me, I feel that it may be starting with Barbara too. I am over Felice. It's a major accomplishment for me; however, shifting it to someone new is not the answer. I know that. But I just don't know how else to do it. About calling Kay...if you did, what would you ask her and what would you want to discuss with her?

October 30, 2001
5:11 am
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Cloud:I suppose you are both correct in that if i try to push it to the back of my mind too hard, it will make it worse. I think that is what i am doing now.Its so hard though. I do not think i will be dependant to him/her if i was to go to a new counsellor. I'm not sure why i think this will be true. But there is something about kay that no one will ever replace.I got a feeling who i may see if i ddi go to my schools counselling. If i do see her i do not feel i would attach to her, but saying that.....i had absolutly no porblem going to see kay in the first few months of therapy but then it all kicked in-being sick, feeling dependant on her and wanting to ring her.

Hey thats great news that you can finally say you are over felice. Thats great!Well done!

Do u feel this?...that the dependancy on people (eg.felice for you and kay for me) is a big problem but at the same time you like having it? i do. its kinda strange to explain. I feel in a way i don't want get over this dependancy and attachment of kay or i will "loose her". Thats how i feel. Am i mad??????

If i was to ring her, i would ask her what she thought of me dating this guy again.Mybe cos she was not too much older than me i felt in sessions that i could talk to her about boys, and i did.We talked a great deal about this guy and i just want someone to tell me what to do!!! but i know no one can do that!

How are you getting on? I forgot to ask the other day what it is you are studying at college???

Tinkerbe11

October 31, 2001
7:58 am
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Colud:How are you? I've finally done it! I have asked about counselling and my form tutor is sorting it out for me. I felt after last night (something happened at my course that made me feel s**t and i had to walk out and go home)i had to seek counselling.I keep denying to myself.I think a new attachment is developing.I can't believe with who though!My counselling tutor!When we went for a break at half time, i said was it ok to go home cos i felt ill. she put her hand on my arm and i explained EVERYTHING to her.I had tears in my eyes and was on the blink of crying.What is it with people who listen and show affection towards me, i felt attached!I don't understand. suppose its like that with boys too.
ahhhh!i am confused.

How did your session go today?

Tinkerbe11

October 31, 2001
2:08 pm
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Tinkerbe11: You explain things in words that I am feeling too. First of all, I also sort of like the dependency in some strange way because then I know that I have that someone. I want to get over the dependency, but at the same time, I don't because then I will lose that person forever. I have recently realized that things will never be the same for me and Felice again. So I'm over her. Second of all, you said:

"What is it with people who listen and show affection towards me"

I have explained this to a couple counselors and others in the past. That it seems I only attach myself onto people who show that they really care and understand me and listen to me. Like, I automatically know that there are certain people I could never get attached to. Then there are those people that I have become attached to and they were either a counselor or a teacher.

So it is certainly understandable how you might start to become attached to your tutor. Can I ask, what were the first signs that made you think this? and Do you feel this will turn into something?

When I left my session on Tuesday, I was sort of angry. Knowing that we aren't having group this Thursday and I would not see Barbara until next Tuesday, I was already in a "bind". But then she sprang on me the fact that she would not see me next week because it is her vacation week. Now it is certainly understandable that she would get a vacation, but I felt hurt and abandoned. And I know it is not right for me to feel this way, but I did. Now I don't have a session for another 2 weeks and I sometimes don't know how I will get through. I start to think about all the things I have to do in those 2 weeks and that I will not get to talk to Barb about them. I feel like I should call her tomorrow (the day before she takes her vacation) and explain to her that I am uncertain about getting through the next week. Is this too clingy???

P.S. I am studying math in college. I'm a senior. In the fall, I'm entering the counseling program. What are you studying, Tinkerbe?

October 31, 2001
6:15 pm
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What It Feels Like To See A Ghost:

Today while attending an event at school, (knowing that the counseling center was in charge of it, but not thinking Felice would ever be there), I saw Felice. I saw her face right there, only a few feet away from me. I'm sure she saw me too, as she walked to the side to talk with a fellow employee of her's. Just as soon as she showed up, it seems, she was leaving. I felt horrible. I was desperate, depressed, everything all at once. It's like seeing a ghost. I walked right past her on my way out of the building, staring straight ahead, not acknowledging that there was anyone standing even remotely close to me. Feeling so strange and like in a trance. I realized today, that it is not Felice as a person that I was longing for, it is whatever it is she represented to me. I don't know what that is yet. But my inner hole, the one that constantly begs for "something" was feeling teased by whatever it was that it was longing for. I have to take care of my inner child, it is begging for me to feed it. I have nothing to feed it. I AM over Felice. Don't get me wrong. I just had an unexpected vision that suddenly brought me back into the past. And I hope that's all it will be.

November 1, 2001
9:56 am
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Hello Cloud:Firstly i would agree with you in that there are certain people i would never get attached to. My first signs that made me think of this were probably her touching my arm and i felt close to her.She was there for me...maybe a kind of a replacement Kay.I'm not sure if this will turn into something, it is hard to tell at the mo.

I spent a lot of time talking with my school tutor today (not my counselling tutor that i go to at night)and she did lots for me trying to find a counsellor in school. She came back after lunch from speaking to one of the counsellors and you will never guess what!They only do counselling for the 5 years below me. Not year 12(which i am in). Surely it would not make a big difference.She's goign to get me phone numbers but i don't want that.I would have prefered to have it in school.I rang Kay today 🙁 but she seeing a client.She would be all day.I need to know what to do.I'm scared.I will try again tomorow.I don't know...maybe she will see me again.Doubt it!I have to speak to her see what she says about counselling.

What you said about babara's vaction week i can relate to that so well!In august i was very dependant on her and found it hard to wait a week.i had a holiday booked in spain and the week we got back, she had her week vacation!I had to wait 3 weeks to see her!It was not as bad as i thought it would be as i was on holiday.I felt extremly hurt as well as you do. I also felt selfish too for feeling like that.i thought i would never got through the 3 weeks but belive me it is easier than u think.I found it difficult to accept that she 'didn't take her feeling home with her' eg-think about me.

I am always here for you (maybe as i replacement-but no ways as good) for you to talk.

Your last post was what it felt like to see felice.i can kinda relate to that too but it wasn't kay!It brought me back to the past too but i was very disappointed when it wasn't her.i just wanted to run up to this person.my heart beated faster.

We are so alike, cloud, that it is just weird do you think? i thought i was alone thinking like this.....i am not though.

Tinkerbe11

November 1, 2001
3:09 pm
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I think that when someone touches you in that caring manner, it is surely a way to arouse that "attachment" feeling in people like us. Not many people touch. But those that do, make it easier for people like us to fall into a dependency. It's like that for me too. Touch does something powerful.

That's really too bad about your school only doing counseling for younger grades. I don't see why they wouldn't for the higher grades. So after all that, I'm not surprised that you called Kay. How did it make you feel when you heard she was in with clients all day? You know what? I don't think it's a bad thing anymore to call someone when we need help or guidance. I am starting to feel it's perfectly fine. Is she going to return your call, or didn't you leave a message?

I know I will get through this next week without seeing Barbara, but it feels like I won't. But I know I will. I actually called her yesterday after I saw Felice. And she tried to help me through it. But I was still feeling horrible. I was crying while talking to her, but I don't think she noticed it. I wished I could see her, like for an emergency visit or something, but I guess she didn't feel I needed it.

I am so glad we have each other to talk to. I honestly don't know what I would do without this site to post how I'm feeling whenever something happens. And I feel like you and I are regular friends. I can't even talk about the stuff I talk about with you, with my regular friends. Thanks 🙂

I was still very upset this morning about yesterday and tried to do something stupid. I tried (but didn't have to courage to cut myself).

November 1, 2001
4:25 pm
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Cloud:i agree with you what you said about the 'power of touch'.when i heard she was with clients all day, i felt hurt-in a funny way."Why wasn't she there for ME".I didn't leave a message because i didn't want her ringing back when my parents were in.I haven't told them i tried ringing her or about counselling.I feel to ring her is a weakness.I duno y.....

When you rang barbara to tell her about felice, what did she say to you?Do you think that thier voice calms you?I think so and it takes away my 'worry butterflies!'.So do you think i should ring kay back?

I too don't know what i'd do without this site. WELL DONE http://www.allaboutcounseling.com!!! I too feel we are regular friends.It feel so comforting to talk with you.

You said you tried but didn't have the courage, are you GLAD now you didn't have the courage? Are you going to let barbara know when she gets bk form vacation?It may be a good idea.Does she know how worried you are about her vacation?
I often get really angry but hit myself or bite.Thats anger or upset though.I have so much frustration inside me.What shall i do? Shall i ring kay tomorow?What will she think of me.

Take care Cloud.
Tinkerbe11

November 1, 2001
7:46 pm
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Ringing her is not being weak. You are still in need of advice and counseling. And she did tell you that you could call her right? So I would, if I were you. Don't look at it as if you are being weak. You've already made it through weeks without her. You're strong.

When I rang Barb, she tried to calm me down and told me to get away from school and go do something else that would get my mind off of it. She told me to do a thought record first of all. But as soon as I hung up with her, I broke into tears in the car on the way home. Then I called my mom and spoke with her on the phone about how I was feeling. It made me feel better. Then when I got home, I told my mom more about it and then wrote about it in my journal and started to feel better. It's like I have to get it out in order to feel better. But then this morning I was feeling sad again, imagining Felice and how we used to talk. And that's when I sort of went into a trance and wanted to hurt myself. I did some scratches but couldn't find the courage to do it all. I don't want to die or anything. I just couldn't take the pain.

November 2, 2001
4:07 am
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Cloud:my form tutor also thinks i should ring her.i think i am going to.thanx for the advice.hey its good that your mum was able to calm you down.Kay told me that whenever i feel in a panic, to say STOP outloud.It really works!

I am quite angry that they don't do counselling for my year!

I understand that you couldn't take the pain.It must of been very hard for you.Plaese don't hurt yourself, i like talking to you.Is it that you feel angry that you cannot yhave her and take it out on yourself?

Tinkerbe11

November 2, 2001
10:38 am
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Cloud:I rang Kay earlier on.Thankfully she wasn't seeing any one and i got through straight away! She really made me feel better.We were talking for ages- about 50 minutes.I can't belive how she was with me!She set me some things to do and use my chart. We talked over what was worrying me and i have to ring her this time next week to see if i am ok.She said if im not, then i could go and see her again but to try these things first.
I talked over the fact i asked my tutor about counselling.I don't think she could tell to start with but i was crying on the phone when i was talking to her.I think she noticed towrds the end cos her voice changed-to much more gentle (even tho she has the most gentlest voice n e way!).She also said if i need to call her before next week i can and that it was the right thing in ringing her.She said she'd be worried if i didn't ring her when things weren't ok. I feel so much positive and better now. Just thought i would share that with you.

Tinkerbe11

November 3, 2001
4:31 pm
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Tinkerbe11: THAT IS GREAT!!!!! I knew things would work out when you called her. You must have felt so much better when you got to talk to her for almost an hour!!! See? She didn't turn you away. And she told you that you could even call her again. I am so happy for you. You know, I actually feel the happiness too! (It's like a dream come true, isn't it?)

I guess the reason I wanted to hurt myself was because I can't have Felice and I just didn't want to accept it again. But I think I am doing better than I was last week. I'm thinking about Felice less again. And of course, starting to think about Barbara in place of Felice. But at least Barb will talk to me. Although, she is on vacation now. 🙁 But I'll get through. I hope.

November 4, 2001
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Hi Cloud:Thanx! It is great news isn't it!But when i got off the phone i just cried for ages though. I think it was a sense of relief tho!I really didn't think she was going to say what she did. When i rung the reeptionist woman sounded well pissed off with me. I told kay that and she said that it was their problem and she will always have time to talk with me-even if she's seeing someone, she will ring me bk!Hey i'm glad you feel the happyness too for me!If feel even more happy knowing u r happy for me!!!

How r u doing not seeing barbara? U will get through this.Just keeep thinking when barbara gets bk.what u going to tell her? when does she?

Tinkerbe11

November 4, 2001
3:47 pm
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Hey Tinkerbe11. I really did feel happy when I heard your story. That receptionist was probably just having a bad day. You never know what people are going through. But Kay made it clear to you that she will always make time for you and that is a blessing. You are going to touch base with her again this week, right?

I'm doing ok without Barbara so far, but I know I will be down Tuesday morning thinking that I should really be in my session and I'm not. I'm starting to think about what I will talk about with Barbara when she gets back and I'm thinking I might tell her how I truly felt about her leaving on vacation. I am going to tell her the truth.

November 5, 2001
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Cloud:I agree with you. U should tell her the truth and how you REALLY feel when barbara gets back.

About the receprionist, you maybe right but it seems when ever i ring up there, she's there and knows my voice "oh its her again" she prob. thinks.You said are you going to touch base with kay this week? Sorry i dint understand what you ment. Did you mean contact her yeh? If that was it, then yes. i am going to ring her on friday.thats when she said to ring.
i so knew this would happen. the attachment feeling has become even more stronger again now i have spoken to her again. and i know it will be difficult in january again. its like startin this dependancy all over again.

I hope tomorow goes ok for you. Try and think positive.I have my counselling class tomorow nite.i am going to talk things over with the tutor again cos last week, although i NEEDED to get things off my chest, i clammed up and didn't really tell her much. she will want to know how i got on about enquiring about my schools counselling any way.

let me know how you get on tomorow-without seeing barb.

Tinkerbe11

November 5, 2001
3:10 pm
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Tinkerbe11: Yeah, that's what I meant. So you are going to call Kay this Friday to let her know how you are doing. That's good. I'm sorry that you are feeling the strong dependency again though. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to call her then. I mean, I'm sure it feel wonderful that day, but now you are probably counting the hours till you get to talk to her again, right?

Now, the tutor that you are going to talk to tomorrow...is she the one you felt sort of attached to last week?

I think I will get through tomorrow okay. I'm at school right now and certain things keep reminding me of Felice. Then I say to myself, "I don't need Felice; I have Barbara." But then I think to myself (no I don't, she's on vacation.) And I feel mad. But I'll get through it. Of course, I'm counting the days till Tuesday.

November 6, 2001
3:24 am
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Cloud:yeh i am going to call kay on friday again.Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to ring her nut maybe it was.I think it was cos the mess i feel myself in at the moment is better to be sorted out (with her help) rather than trying to sort the dependancy issues out. i don't regret ringing her, even now cos it helped me so much.she did talk about me seeing her again, but i'll see how things go.Gosh! we are SO alike!when u said are you counting the hours?, that was completly true. i keep running through my head the conversation we had.does this sound stupid...that thinking about talking to her relaxes me when i go to sleep???or is it just me!!

the tutor i will be talking to tomorow is the one i sort of feel attached to-from last week. see i go to school in the day and one night a week i go bk and do three hrs of this counselling course.

its tuesday today. i am thinking of you-not seeing barbara.i used to get like that.when i eventually started seeing her every 2/3 weeks, on the day i should of gone, i was like....thinking i should have been getting ready to go.

Let me know
Your Friend, Tinkerbe11

November 6, 2001
9:41 am
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Tinkerbe11: We are so much alike. Everything you say is true for me too. Right now I am sort of thinking that I would normally be getting ready to go to my session, but then again, I'm sort of enjoying the time to myself, I guess.

I also used to run the conversations with my counselors over and over in my head. It was a comfort too. Then I would envision what we would talk about in the future too. I would sort of make up a fantasy session in my head of the things we would say. I guess that's how it starts to take up all of your time. Constantly wishing for the day to come, while thinking of past sessions. Loving the day it comes, then hating that same day because it is over. I guess this is typical of attachments.

November 6, 2001
10:52 am
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Every single word you have just said is so true!I sometimes make up 'fantasy conersations'in my of what we would talk about.i think of stuff i want to tell her, but when it gets to the time, i usually never told it to her! i now wish i did.this is one of the things i am going to tell her on friday that there is one major thing i never told her about somehting that happened and i wish i had.
there is not a day goes by i don't think of seeing her.

i am going to my course tonight and i am goign to talk to my tutor again.I don't know if the attachment feeling will re-appear. it seems to have faded this week with her. thats a thing i never found with kay...it never went away.

Tinkerbe11

November 7, 2001
3:39 am
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HI cloud:I thought i would post a thread telling you how i got on last night. I went to my counselling course and at the break i went to talk to the tutor and tell her that my school doesn't do counselling.She stood thinking a while and didn't know what to suggest.she gave me a number for a local youth counselling place, but i wouldn't be able to get there.i reallly wanted something in school.anyway a bit later on, (i don't know if you remember me telling you that there was a weekend for us to go to for this course) the lady who runs the weekend came in to answer any questions about it.at the end, i saw my tutor and this lady chatting as we were packing up.she called me over and asked me to go outisde the room with her for a min.we went outside and she said kelly (the tutor)had told her about me and that i was looking for counselling.She was so nice to me-trying to do anything. she asked if i could get to the course an hr earlier (because i could talk to her then)eg.she be my counsellor.bless her.she was so kind.She is going to try to arrange to come into my school and i see her then.i thought it was extermly nice of her as she doesn't live round here and is putting herslef out for me.there is hope yet!!!i will see what kay says on friday

How are you getting on? i hope you are ok.
tinkerbe11

November 7, 2001
2:58 pm
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Tinkerbe11: So this lady that is going to be your counselor is the lady who came in to your class to talk about the weekend trip? So she is a counselor? That is really cool how your tutor helped you to find someone to be your counselor. When is your first time talking to her, next Tuesday? Sorry for all the questions...just one more...does this mean that you will not be going back to see Kay ever again?

I am doing fine. School has been keeping me busy this week so I haven't been thinking about Barbara really.

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