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Could Use a Few Boosts of Encouragement
September 6, 2005
12:01 am
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SassyAlex
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Well I spent the holiday doing positive relaxing things for myself. I went to the beach, I soaked up the sun, I looked at the water, I took a walk, I took a nice bath with candles, and I took a nap......sounds wonderful, right? While all the meantime dodging calls from my ex who harrassed me all day since he was off and obviously bored. It's amazing how much this can throw you off course when you're trying to do everything right. Trying to let that anger go. Trying to push past the pain.

He's been pursuing me for a couple of weeks since the break up. He calls, text messages, emails, and shows up uninvited. Needless to say, this is stressing me out majorly even though I am trying to let it all go. I have told him time and time again he needs to leave me alone, that his contacting me only brings me pain. I am trying to do everything right, but his constant contact is making that impossible. I find myself angry a lot. I don't want to do anything drastic like threaten to call the police because he hasn't done anything violent, but my forcefully telling him to leave me alone again and again is not working.

September 6, 2005
12:10 am
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mamacinnamon
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SA:

IF he will not back off then you may have no choice but to get a restraining order (order of protection). You could warn him. Tell him if he does not stop NOW then you will have to get the restraining order coz he has left you with no other choices.

You stand strong.

September 6, 2005
12:17 am
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SassyAlex
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But I can't get a restraining order for a guy who is just trying his damndest to get me back. As I've said, he hasn't done anything threatening, he's just being selfish, as usual.

I was once with a guy who I really did need an order of protection from...but he was threatening me and a drug addict. This current guy is, I think, just having an adult temper tantrum.

I'm just hoping this will taper off. Soon.

Thanks.

September 6, 2005
12:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'm sorry, but until you put your foot down and demand no more then he probably will not stop. When he's contacting you... Do you talk with him? Do you answer the phone? Do you show him any attention at all? If yes to any then stop. I don't know how to tell you to make him quit, but usually if you refuse to play the game then they do lose interest and move on.

September 6, 2005
12:32 am
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exoticflower
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Hon, IGNORE him! Block his number, block his e-mail, delete his text messages, all and all completely don't respond...he has to get tired of it some time, and until then he only has the power you give him. Delete, erase, ignore! Good for you for concidering his pain, but at this point he is making YOUR life hard, time to concider Alex!

September 6, 2005
5:44 am
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CODA_Mom
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Sassy,

Does your state have an order of protection against harrassment? It would take only 3 unwanted points of contact to be able to file this, if available.

It sounds as if you are thinking his unwanted contact is all about love...NOT!! It is about control, control, control.

Healthy individuals let go and allow choices to be made without coercion. He is not giving you the space you need to make any choices, he is controlling your thoughts and moods even while "absent".

September 6, 2005
6:25 am
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Neshema
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I have some experience with a stalker. The police told me that if you tell him never to contact you again or it result in official police action, then you have a case against him. So, that is the first step, I was told. I was afraid to do this, of course. MY stalker was unknown to me. I did this, and he backed off. However, it turned out he was an evil man with a prison record. Regardless, I was told to gather up all the unwanted correspondence and keep records in a file, which I have done. You also have to get together a safety plan. Where you would go in case he harmed you. Do you have an alarm system? Whom you would contact? I would consult the prosecuting atty's office in the county clerk's office at your local courthouse. They have victim's rights advocates who can advise you of your rights in your states. You do not have to live in fear or under the power of someone else. Also, most places have women's shelters with helpful advice, even if you do not have to go there to stay. The police asked me "how uncomfortable is this guy making you?" your comfort level is a good indication of your threat level. So listen to your comfort level. As mentioned in another threat, a good book to read is called "the Gift of Fear." IT teaches you to pay attention to signs and train your intuition. I hope this info helped. Good luck.

September 6, 2005
6:29 am
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Neshema
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I meant earlier thread, not threat. ..anyway, i need to get some rest...good luck to you!

September 6, 2005
7:46 am
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Anonymous
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Nesh has good info - educate yourself - he may not be a threat - but it is illegal to HARRASS someone - and that doesn't have any violence attached to the meaning.

also - as someone else said - block his phone numbers, emails, IM's and text messages - most carriers have this feature. If you have caller ID at home - then shut the answering machine off and don't answer the calls unless you know the number - or call the number back when you want to later - and ignore his - turn the ringer off if need be. Same goes for your cell - block him - or turn the ringer off and let the numbers register on caller ID and then answer the ones you want - and have your voice mail shut off too if that's possible. Let the important people in your life know what's up so they don't get upset if you don't call back right away.

the other question is - do you "feed" this - or are you totally having no contact - cuz if you answer him - on ANY level, he is gonna see that as 'spark' to keep the fire going.

no contact is hard - especially when they continue to harrass you - I know my ex, who is an alcoholic - would show up when he knew I would not say no - like at 1 a.m. when everyone was asleep and he knew I was too tired to say no or didn't want a scene, so let him in to keep the peace...they know how to get to you - it sucks.

but HOORAY for you taking care of you - celebrate that at the very least!

September 7, 2005
12:38 pm
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SassyAlex
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Well, I've blocked him from my email, instant messenger, and from sending text messages, but my carrier (Verizon) told me that I cannot block a number from incoming calls. And that has been the biggest problem so far are his phone calls. I am also worried that by cutting his email, text, and IM messages, it will make him much more likely to show up uninvited.

September 7, 2005
1:05 pm
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kathygy
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Change your phone number and have it unlisted. If he does show up univited don't let him into your home. Tell him to go away or you will call the police.

love,
kathy

September 7, 2005
1:31 pm
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taj64
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Kathy is right, changing your phone number to unlisted will allow you to know that he cannot pursue that avenue. I think this person will go away and find something else to occupy his time. It has only been a few weeks and like you he is probably in pain too, he is reacting and being destructive while doing it. I think he will realize it when he is not hurting so much, and in time he will heal then leave you alone. Allow a few more weeks, you may see a change.

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