Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Could someone clear this Confusion/Contradition to me?
November 5, 2006
5:34 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hi Ras,

I absolutely love my H's 94-yr-old auntie. She's just so cool. Always optimistic. Yesterday she told me her doctor is amazed at how healthy she is and "what is her secret?" and she told her that FIRST of all, you have to LIKE YOURSELF.

Isn't that great?

November 5, 2006
5:46 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bryn,

I did not get your hint. What is the connection between my post and your h's auntie tip? Please explain simply, maybe I'm dense tonite!

November 5, 2006
6:10 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Telling this woman what you really think is such a risk.

I did not handle a relationship well with a co-worker and it turned into a horribly stressful situation every day at work.

Can you, instead of feeling you have to lie, just say "no thank you" I have other plans? Even if your plan is to read a book.....you are letting her know you are not interested.

I am curious what it is about her that you feel -- are you finding yourself bored, irritated, competetive, invaded? What does she say and do that makes the relationship undesireable?

How are your personalities different? Value systems?

Maybe if you were able to identify what the behaviors were, you'd get more insight into how she'd react, and you'd feel more comfortable in how you treat her.

November 5, 2006
6:13 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Sorry, Ras (we cross-posted) -- it wasn't a hint at all. The talking about self-esteem just made me remember what the auntie said about how liking herself was the reason she was so long-lived. Just a smile.

November 5, 2006
6:27 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bryn - Read the start of this thread and you will know why I want to end up the relationship with her.

November 5, 2006
6:27 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So your opinion of me is none of my business. I shared with you what I feel is my truth. I take it you don't believe me and I find that offensive. I am so tired of others telling me who and what I am. I will kindly refrain from posting to you in the future.

November 5, 2006
6:46 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((MJ))))

What happened? I don't get it??? Anything offensive has been said to you honey. Please explain!!!!

November 5, 2006
7:04 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yikes! I think there was some sort of mix up - Ras, I hope you don't take it personally - I can't see anything wrong with what you posted. (mj) - I don't know what hurt your feelings, I hope you can explain so there are no hard feelings.

Ras,

basically, you have to do what feels right for you and your situation - I think, if you have to continue working with this person, you will have to be very careful in what you say to end the friendship....You don't always have to tell the truth of how you feel, and in fact sometimes it is kinder not to. Just be calm and think things through and I'm sure you can come up with the best solution for you - I think your plan of telling her you just have different personalities is a good one, it isn't lying, it is just omitting the most hurtful truths.

I hope it all works out,

zax

November 5, 2006
7:14 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Zax for your wise intervention. I honestly don't see any harm or offense against MJ.

I AGREE with you 100% about your wise answer. Funny, we both seem to have the same mind and thus we seem to understand & connect with each other. Kudos!!!

Tho I am very truthful person, I believe we cannot ALWAYS be bluntly honest to others. There are times where we should be tactful and diplomat and that what I'm doing with this female ex-co-worker.

Lickily, I don't have to see her on daily basis. In fact, we worked for a few days in company and that's how she aggressively asked for my phone # and being a risk-taker, I gave it to her.

(((MJ))) Honey please talk to me/us. What made you upset???

The last thing in my life is to want to make someone upset!

(((ZAX & MJ)))

November 5, 2006
7:20 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Dear Ras,

I've read your first post several times and I guess I'm still not understanding why it is you do not want to continue a friendship with this person. Only that you do not want to spend time with her any more. You are very kind and complimentary about her attributes. You make her sound likeable and admirable. I guess I was asking more questions to understand how you actually FEEL about her and who she is as opposed to who you are. What are the differences? Is she too abrasive and opinionated and that counters your reserved nature?

mj,

I wonder what happened too?? I thought Ras was being supportive and giving you a compliment to say she thought you were strong and had high self-esteem. I don't think she meant to contradict what you had said.

At least when I read what was written, that is how it came across to me. Sometimes the "genre" of writing enables mis-communication. When I read what you said, mj, it sounded supportive of Ras as well.

November 5, 2006
7:24 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bryn -

Click on the "View all posts" I am pretty SURE I mentioned why she is NOT a good friend to me.

(((Bryn)))

November 5, 2006
7:26 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Oh OK.

November 5, 2006
7:32 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I haven't been online and just returned. I am a little high strung lately and want to apologize for being high strung.

I said that I was sensitive and had low self esteem.

Ras said that she perceived me to be strong and having high self esteem.

My perception and her perception differs. I got upset because she wasn't hearing me. Thats what I meant by I am tired of others telling me what I am or who I am. Does that make more sense?

November 5, 2006
7:57 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras, did it bother you when I said I would refrain from talking to you? Did you wonder what you had done or said? In friendships we care about others feelings. Just recently a very good friend and I had a parting of ways. I am really sensitive to the flippant manner others can disregard others feelings. I chose to tell you I would refrain from talking to you. I think society is extremely codependent. I know I am. I just needed to get this out and now I am willing to move on.

November 5, 2006
8:01 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj,

yes, it's clear that you have a different perception of yourself than ras - but I don't think she meant to intentionally ignore you or tell you who you are or how you are. Ras meant to be supportive and positive, I think, by saying she didn't see you as weak or with low self-esteem....have you considered that we are usually much more judgemental of ourselves than we are of others? Perhaps ras just meant to gently suggest you were being too hard on yourself.

I guess I don't know your whole story, so I'm sorry you have been having a tough day. I don't know if this will help, or if it relates to you, but I'll share it anyway, and hopefully you can relate:

When I look in the mirror, I don't see an accomplished, poised, beautiful woman. I see a 31 year old woman who still looks and feels like a child, with a round, red face, slightly protruding eyes, and no womanly curves to speak of. I feel like I am a mess mentally and emotionally, with a crappy job I hate, a relationship that is falling apart, and no clear direction of what I want or how to get it.

And yet, when I am at my worst, my two friends will tell me, zax, you deserve so much better than this, you are smart and funny and so accomplished and you have two degrees and you are so talented, and you are so beautiful ....

And I don't believe them. Their perception of me and my perception of me don't match. But does that mean I am right and they are wrong? Just because it is easier to believe the negative than the positive... are they really wrong, or could I chose to view myself differently?

Maybe ras was just trying to offer her view of how she saw you, a view that, just because you don't beleive it, doesn't make it any less true.

big hug (((((((mj))))))

zax

November 5, 2006
8:07 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((MJ)))

Honey, I honestly love you. I value your opinions even when they differ from mine, and I hope honey we will continue to communicate thru this lovely website.

If you need to talk about your friend why don't you start a new thread. I and others can help you. There are so many wise and caring folks here sweetie. That will make you feel so comfy when you vent your feelings out.

You have no idea how much I felt relieved when I started this thread. I really needed to vent out all my fears, frustrations at this ex co-worker. Now there is a smile on my face after starting this thread.

MJ - Will I continue to see you & communicate with each other in the future??? I hope so honey. Don't sweat the samll stuff!!!

November 5, 2006
8:09 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Zax...That was an amazing analogy! Thanks for sharing it with me. I agree self esteem is an inside job. I choose negative self talk too often. Thanks for the hug and help.

November 5, 2006
8:15 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hej Ras,

It certainly DOES make a difference to go back to the VERy first post!!

No more questions!

You were risk-taking. And one out of several of your risks back-fired on you -- isn't that kind of what happened with her? And now all you have to do is avoid divulging any personal information and/or more association without her getting wise to the fact that you do not like her.

🙂

I think I could tell you all the WRONG things to do. My husband's suggestion as to how solve my co-worker problem was to "blow her off". Not helpful.

Nor is it possible to just have NO CONTACT.

It would be nice if another desireable friend would appear on her horizon and take her interest in you away. If she were to see you as more bland and boring....well, that would be another boon, right?

I think you are handling this as well as you can. If you have a confrontation, the work situation will become pretty uncomfortable, especially if it becomes apparent to your higher-ups that you TWO are having a problem and they consider it a 50-50 situation.

November 5, 2006
8:23 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zax - I honestly believe that you're a beautiful lady. You're wise, I liked your answers to me here and guess what...I felt so much connection and click with you.

I think with MJ there has been some misunderstanding. I hope we'll continue to communicate. I really love her.

I was reading your other thread "Is he codep or both" and I wish I could comfort you. The fact that I haven't been married b4 makes me unable to respond to so many folks here. However, my xbf was a jerk and I'm keeping him and his very co-dep gf in my prayers. His story is classical one like so many others who are hooked on someone who is dysfunctional and controlling manipulative man. If only this man takes a step of faith and get out of his comfort zone...he will be so happy happier than he could ever imagine.

November 5, 2006
8:32 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bryn -

Thanks for your valued feedback. Well, luckily we only worked with each other 3-4 days. So, we will not see each other on regular basis.

Yes, I am handling this very well and learning lots of things even from negative trials in our life.

Being a very sensitive & emotional person and she very tough and controlling, I thought I might learn something smart from her tough personality. Sadly, that's not the case with this woman. Thus the best thing is to cut her loose diplomatically. LOL 🙂

November 5, 2006
8:39 pm
Avatar
2shy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rasputin, I totally understand your awkward position with your co-worker. I encountered the same situation with one of my customers. I own a boutique and I have developed many friendships which start and end within the shop. I have one customer whom continues to invite me places and I just keep politely refusing her. I'll just keep making excuses. She still invites me out sometimes but not as frequently. So I think that if your co-worker realizes that you have a busy schedule, she might stop asking you to do something together. I am terrible at being up front with people because I am too afraid of hurting their feelings.

After reading the posts on this thread I realized how much love and concern there is amongst the people here.

November 5, 2006
8:49 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

2shy -

I understand how difficult it is to work in boutique and with customers. That's why I try to be formal if & when I happen to work with customers.

In my case, we met in an office and worked only a few days and that makes it easier to NOT see each other anymore.

I think the best thing we can hope for is...this ex co-worker in my case; & customer in your case will realize that diplomacy is part of our life every where we go and their gut feeling will tell them that that person (You & me) is NOT interested in them and is avoiding them politely coz he/she does not like them.

2shy, let's continue doing the right thing with these undesireable people and thanks (((2shy))) for your love and support honey!!!

November 5, 2006
9:14 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Ras! I appreciate your openness and love. (((((((RAS))))))

November 5, 2006
11:20 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey ras, mj, everyone,

I'm so glad everything was cleared up - we are all special, wonderful people, and it's no nice to come here and feel understood and accepted. Love to everyone,

zax

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information