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could my son be gay
May 20, 2005
10:59 am
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captkirk
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my 14 yr old is currently in involuntary mental eval because he has totally withdrawn from life, no friends, quit going to school, defiant, depressed...before i spend 36k on a boarding school, how do i ask the question? he has had some weird homosex statements at times.
am i stretching here?? we have seen pschologist,pschiatrist, social workers, etc. he wants to move away from parents out of state? we are an upper middle class family with no issues, not perfect, but a good home...HELP

May 20, 2005
11:20 am
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captkirk
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I guess no one wants to touch this topic??

May 20, 2005
11:23 am
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addicts wife
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Hi CaptKirk~~
((LOVE your name!!))
well, to start, 14 is a rough age, I do remember having all kinds of emotions ,and not knowing why, what or where they came from, so on came the angst, and stuff.. Sooo, that alone was hard.
IF he is gay, on top of it all that may be even harder to cope with. Or perhaps he may not know for sure either.

Can you just sit down and ask him things in a safe, non judgemental, caring setting?? Or is he immediatley defensive and lashing out??

Can you just ask him ,or tell him no matter what , you love him, andwant him to be happy and feel like he can open up and talk to you??

Prhaps boarding school Isnt the solution at this time.. It could make him feel rejected and unwanted by family... ((I really don't know))
I had some friends ,as a teenager who were "sent away" to various different places(IE: schools, psychological "camps" etc...)
and only a couple got anything positive or good out of it, but in retrospect It was due to their age, and not being developed enough to comprehend the "why's" and "what's"

Geez, I sincerely hope I did not discourage you in any way.. Im simply stating things from my semi experiences from my past, and friends situations.
I do know however, that my mom was VERY persistant, and often over bearing, but she did "beat in my head" that she was there for me, and wasnt just going to watch me go down paths that she ws able ot see wwere harmful or bad, etc. My husbands parents were always saying (and still do)"well, thats just the way he is.." and threw up thier hands.. OR "wellll, we didnt want to upset him, he's just that way...." They were never able to stand up for themselves or their kids lives, they just sat back and complained about how they "can't beleive these things happened."

As a 33 year old "grown-up" I now am so grateful my mom was such a pain in my ass, and fought for me. she was a single mom, and had a lot to deal with.. and i was no peach for quite some time... But hwen I tried ot isolate, she'd barge in my room, open the windows, rip the sheets off my bed, and even snoop((which I still think is wrong) But she forced me to get up, and take charge. I was NOT too receptive ot a lot of this, but i must say, it did make me a better person.

I wish i could offer you some "answers" and solid advice, but i cannot and dont feel qualified too.. so Ijust shared some of my own "Stuff'

I hope it helped at least a little, and I'm SURE that others will post here...

you are in my thoughts~~
AW

May 20, 2005
11:31 am
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addicts wife
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Is he in therapy with you, or by himself??
has there been an evaluation, with any results?? has he been medicated??
Does he have a "gay friendly' psychologist?? a lot can be biased(thats why i ask) IF he is in fact gay, then finding a psychotherapist who doesnt think being homosexual is wrong etc,Is crucial..
I have a few friends who are gay, have been their whole lives, andone in particular had a thrapist who was dreadful,made her think she was less than human, needed to be "cured" like it was a virus or something.... ((thats why I mentioned this.))

May 20, 2005
11:36 am
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exoticflower
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Capkirk,

I am a twenty five year old mother and student (on sabaticle right now with the baby). I'm definately a girl with issues, but I concider myself an over all good person, sometimes I'm even sort of impressed with myself. However, when I was 14 I was definately on the exact same path as your son. It was because of family issues I suppose, but the worst thing I recal is my parents shipping me off. To this day I do not think it helped me but hurt me. I needed to be reached out to, accepted, respected, guided, and for the most part I was only repremanded, and I saw being sent away for a while as such too--as well as the constant forms of therapy (the price being mentioned frequently), the weird heart to hearts straight out of a 'how to raise your teen' book, etc.

Also, I was certainly curious about same sex matters, and as an older young adult experimented no differently than I did with boys, not crossing the big line until I was ready. At fourteen, your son may be gay, but as I recall for myself, is probably too emotionally immature to be able to identify with that, and in my opinion, probably too young to have to. He's 14, which means that hormones have made him LITERALLY clinically insane, it's what they do in humans. He's got a lot on his mind that it sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with already, why not leave the sexuality matter alone?

Also, it takes time for any one treatment to start working, have you tried these things all in the same year? Please don't send him off without trying patience with one thing first...we don't grow up overnight.

May 20, 2005
11:50 am
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captkirk
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thanks for the feedback.i have asked him about it once and he laughed it off. i want the shrink to ask him b4 discharge Monday...

May 20, 2005
11:55 am
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captkirk
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but what if he wants to go to boarding/military school for a year??
i would rather work with him at home of course, i don't know, it is all confusing??this school says they have a 93% success to get kids back into mainstream but of course it is a lot of salesmanship... ???

May 20, 2005
11:59 am
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captkirk
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he is on 20 mg of prozac generic, i will talk to therapist about being gay friendly. he gets out monday and the HS principal has booted him for the year and he can't lie around until sept??

May 20, 2005
12:02 pm
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on my way
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I guess I am wondering what kind of communication you have with your son. Can you talk to him, not necessarily about this subject, but in general, without being judgemental about him? Sometimes at this age, all a child needs is for his parents (particularily his father) to listen to him, and just listen, without re-acting. It is tough, because we are either shocked, or want to give advice. Sometimes this helps. Also much prayer, daily.

Also, sometimes as parents, no matter how we have raised them, some issues are beyond our control. Knowing which battles to pursue is crucial.

I can only say I have been where you are...as a single mom, I have raised 3 boys...the 2 oldest ones were very troubled, but have turned into wonderful, responsible young men...but my youngest is going through a lot at this time. He is 17 yrs old.

It breaks out hearts as parents as we only want the best for them, and they do not understand that. I remember 14-18 yrs being the years I call the "alien" yrs. where they just simply disappear mentally and emotionally, and you wonder if they are ever going to come back...crucial years for them.

The best to you, but I would say communication is key.

May 20, 2005
12:17 pm
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captkirk
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Thanks onmyway for the thoughts. I think I will tread cautiously because we first have to see what the PhD and the judge give him for an outpatient sentence before we do anything out of town. I also need to see where he stands at the HS in case there is a chance of him finishing the year, even if he fails all his classes, at least it will be structure...

May 20, 2005
12:51 pm
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on my way
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Prayers are with you, as I strongly believe in that. I hope all works out for the best. Keep posting if you will, it may help, and would like to see how all turns out. Kids are precious...pains in the you know what, but precious.

May 25, 2005
12:36 pm
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bangles
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Well, I don't have a lot of experience here, but, he is only 14. Maybe you should leave the sexual preference part alone. If he is, he still will be in 5 more years, so why the big issue now? I know you are concerned, but what do you plan to do differently if indeed he is? I view sexual preference as a pretty personal matter. Sounds like he he has a lot going on and I think the last thing I'd want would be a parent obsessiing about my sexual identities. As I said, I don't have any expertise here but amj ust thinking with the heart. Bangles

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