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could it work?
January 20, 2001
7:47 pm
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bonita
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Have any of you ever split up with your spouse for a couple of years to see what you can accomplish on your own? My husband is suggesting doing just that. Has this ever worked for any marriage? I'm assuming that we would only grow apart. We've been married 8 years and have a child. Any advice?

January 20, 2001
8:00 pm
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christina
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well it sounds to me like he wants a divorce or perhaps the freedom to mess around, i'm not sure, perhaps i see it wrong but it doesn't sound to great from here

January 20, 2001
10:28 pm
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counslr336
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I will not say that he is trying to get a few years off to mess around until you describe your past years with him.Is every thing all right with both of you financialy? Maybe he is in a situation that he feels to ashamed to discuss with you .Maybe he feels that he is not providing what he promised to you when you got married.Talk to him . Get the real facts. Good luck.

January 21, 2001
2:00 pm
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janes
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Just last weekend I saw a book at the bookstore called "The Marriage Sabbatical". It dealt with women but although I couldn't get it and read the whole thing the idea was that...in committed relationships time away is not neccesarily a "bad " thing.
Most of the women were away for...Writer's workshops, jobs, graduate school etc. They ranged in age from twenties to the elderly.

I don't think they were open ended.

I would especially be cautious if this is tried that support for your child be shared. I can envision...."I have rent too. --I have to pay "my " bills.

You especially have to be comfortable with it.

But remember the old saying "...if you love something set it free...if it comes back...it's yours..if not..it never was"

What is going to happen if you "forbid" him to do this? That scenario doesn't look much like a partnership (like a marriage should be) to me either.

If you refuse to hear this idea out...then he may go anyway and with hard feelings.

This is a tough thing. What are you thinking about it.

January 22, 2001
4:44 am
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lost soul
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Again, it makes me think "what is the definitions of MARRIAGE?"

To me "Marriage" is about commitment. It might no longer have the initial "sparks" & "excitement" but over the years it certaintainly has acquire some "forms of foundation"

It is sad to see so many marriage broken up.

January 22, 2001
7:22 am
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Helenof Troy
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Ohhh..it sounds like a confused man. That is such a HUGE red flag. Like the others said...MARRIAGE = COMMITMENT = MAKING IT WORK..instead of running away he should find out thru counseling or communicating what is EXACTLY wrong with the marriage. Geez..people..are we forgetting that there is a child involved here? What about his/her feelings? future? upbringing? Everybody is too busy thinking about themselves and fail to recognize that once they bring a child into this world you sacrifice all of "me me me" issues and make things work for the sake of the child having mommy & daddy unless it is just too unbearable or the relationship shows abuse between you 2 where it could damage the child's view in life...That's just me though..There's my 2 cents.

January 22, 2001
2:17 pm
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lewis
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What's the point in marriage if u do that????

January 22, 2001
8:05 pm
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Molly
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Not with the child , just like Helen of Troy said think of the child, no child no problem, but even having had a seperation, and return, the people don't change, the real issues still have to be worked through, the partners are just more clear when they return, if that makes sense. Get him into counseling, and again I recommend the book RElational rescue by Phil McGraw.

January 22, 2001
10:38 pm
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Alena
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Bonita, I have to say, this just doesn't sound good. If either of you could leave each other, the soundness of your family, each other's arms, emotions, just being with each other.. I have to think that it's not much of a marriage and it's an easy way to just let it drift away. Call it what you will, it's a separation.

"To see what you can accomplish on your own.." what does that mean? Those days ended when you got married and especially when you committed to a child.

You may not have a choice in all of this anyway. His suggestion? Sorry, doesn't sound good. Sounds like he's trying to sell you an easy way out for himself.

Remember "absence makes the heart grow fonder"...? Sometimes it's "out of sight, out of mind."

January 23, 2001
2:27 pm
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bonita
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Thanks for all the responses. I think that one of the problems is that we were married so young--he(19) and me(18). We never experienced single life. I'm ok with that but he is feeling trapped. Financial problems are also causing him much turmoil. I love him so much but I am going to have to let him live his life the way he wants. I can't stop him at this point. We were so happy just 4 weeks ago. It is a very sudden departure from where we were. I don't know what to tell my son. I know that children from divorced parents have real issues as adults. I never wanted our son to have to deal with those kinds of problems. I don't see how my husband could leave his son. He is so sweet and smart and deserving. My husband WILL NOT go to counseling. It wouldn't help him anyway. He does not beleive in other people trying to fix his problems. It looks kind of downhill from here. I'll try to begin life anew.

January 23, 2001
7:26 pm
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Molly
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A son, sorry but be prepared, they get to around 13 and act out to get dad back in the picture, or to go live with them. This is sad, and your husband must be really stuck. Sure getting married early creates sooner than later responsibilities, but it will only be much more difficult for him, when your appart. Hopefuly he will get it before it is not reversible.

January 23, 2001
8:16 pm
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ranmar1
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Please look at my case in "Help me Please". See if your husband sounds like my wife.
Good luck.......

January 24, 2001
2:46 am
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gingerleigh
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...and as a counterpoint to ranmar1, check out my thread, need encouragement... divorce? not sure for the female perspective. FYI, my relationship didn't work out, but I am much the better for it, even after only a few weeks. You have the added complexity of children, but I think you can work through that.

Write us what you are feeling, we can help.

January 24, 2001
8:06 am
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janes
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Too bad he doesn't understand that counselors are just guides...not there to fix anything. Maybe he does but is to lzay to change.

You sound so bright and smart and warm and caring....make sure your son gets help when he can understand...play therapy etc.

take care.

February 6, 2001
5:06 pm
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Lily15
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I was in a relationship for 51/2 years when I realized it was hindering me from doing all that I've wanted to do with my life. In my case, we are still friends, but maybe he should've thought about it before he got married.

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