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Controlling??
November 25, 2003
10:37 am
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artist 2
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Is this controlling behavior:

1. I need closeness with him and pull him aside asking to share his day. He gives me a generic version. Then, later on talking to his family goes into great detail and emotion about what happened to him. I was hurt that I got the more generic version. I complained to him about it and he says I'm being controlling. Is this controlling?

2. When I have trouble falling asleep, it helps me get sleepy for him to spoon me and I can feel his warmth against me. I complained because he puts his body pillow between us when I ask him to spoon me. He thinks that's controlling because I need a specific way of spooning, and am not satisfied with the pillow between us. Is this controlling?

3. I was sad one night because I was thinking about my mother, who is dead. He was playing computer games with his son. I went in and asked that when he gets a chance could he come in and spend some time with me, my aim to be held and comforted. A few minutes later, I hear him get up and go down the hallway, then he goes back into his son's room and keeps playing computer. I get uspset because I needed him right then. He says I'm being controlling because I wasn't patient, and that he was about to finish playing the game. Is this controlling?

Please give me feedback, I need some clarity.

November 25, 2003
10:53 am
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mj
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Artist, it seems more passive and aggressive to me.

You need to ask directly for what you want and then accept the answer you get.

I love the section on Assertiveness here on this site in the information section. It has helped me alot.

November 25, 2003
10:54 am
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gingerleigh
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I dunno artist... is it controlling? Well, maybe a *little*, but the thing is, a partner should *want* to do these things for you (i.e. tell you about his day, comfort you when you are sad). You shouldn't have to beg. The only thing I can relate to is the spooning in bed thing. I'm a warm sleeper, and I don't like having a lot of heat around me when I'm falling asleep, whereas my partner does, so he and I compromise with the body pillow thing.

He isn't putting you first. It reads like you are putting a lot more into the relationship than he is, perhaps he senses that and feels like it is controlling? Just some thoughts...

November 25, 2003
11:50 am
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Anonymous
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I think it is controlling to keep nudging someone to be what he is not. WANTING the things you want from him is not controlling. Trying to make him do those things is controlling. He sounds like his emotional life is not with you but with his family. My ex husband was the same. At some point we have to accept them as they are and either be content with them as they are or look for someone who is more the way we want them to be.

Sounds to me like your expectations and the reality of who he is are very far from each other...

On a personal side note: a man who doesn't like to spoon is to me like a car without wheels. And a man who has emotional intimacy with someone other than me is like a hotel with no rooms available. Those are (for me) absolute musts !! The very reasons to have a man in my life ! 🙂

November 25, 2003
12:15 pm
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pink lady
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Artist2...I don't feel that you are controlling, I feel and have the same needs as you, however, for some reason a man does not feel or need what we need, their needs are sex, none of these cuddling and coforting. I have realized that their mentality is only practical, what they want and when they want it. There is a sense of lonliness and emptiness we feel and sometimes a hug or cuddle can confort us that's all we need, it does not cost money and it fullfills or at least energizes our spirit. To me tha most important things that fullfil do not cost money, unfotunately men are so cheap and do not realize that the emotional needs are so rich and yet they are selfish in giving us a hug that has no dollar value. Hang in there my friend for I know where you are coming from. love Pink lady

November 25, 2003
12:35 pm
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artist 2
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Thank you guys! I lean mostly toward what Mafi is saying - it rings loudest to me... and it'r trus about him. So, it's back to me to accept or go find something closer to what I want.

Gosh it's helpful coming here. Thanks again a bunch of times!

November 25, 2003
12:47 pm
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unhappy camper
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artist
If you wanted to leave, how hard would it be logistically? Do you have money, an income, a place to go, a means of getting there, etc.?

You must have a safe plan and not end up in trouble. I am not encouraging you to leave, but just want you to plan it well.

It does seem to me however, that you are seriously flirting with the idea of leaving.

November 25, 2003
12:49 pm
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Anonymous
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"a man who has emotional intimacy with someone other than me"

I think I made a mistake in grammar: I meant to say "a man who has emotional intimacy with someone else and not with me". I'm not sure the grammar was correct there so it may have looked like I have something against the man having emotional relationships with family members, etc.

My T once told me: "He still eats from his family of origin", meaning that he had not done the maturation process of transferring his emotional ties to a partner as grown-ups do. This got home to me, I suddenly saw that I didn't want someone like him. Many women who are still emotionally with their family of origin would want someone like him, but I don't.

November 25, 2003
1:09 pm
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artist 2
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Hmm. I understood you, thanks for clarifying.

I like the analogy and it sounds just like him. A "mamma's boy" he is.

I'm still attached to my family but can and do attach to my partner, ready to form a separate family. I don't think he does separate, nor do I think he's even aware of it.

The Bible says "a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home." so did the Byrds, but anyway... uh, that being said, it was one of the things that made me break our engagement.

I am seriously considering leaving. I have the money and a possible plan. It involves moving to another state, which is kind of scary. I'm up for the adventure, if that's what needs to happen.

November 25, 2003
1:32 pm
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Balance
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Artist--
I think you should find something closer to what you want. It sounds as though things will continue the way they are unless something changes. Ask yourself what scares you the most? For me- It was imagining my life w/out my boyfriend or any boyfriend for that matter because all that is left then is me. I am not totally ok with myself yet. It would have been nice if I could have dumped him. It might have given me a confidence boost, but I held on and then I got dumped. Don't let him get you down any longer. Don't settle if you are unhappy. You are not alone if you decide to do what scares you. Does this help or am I way off?

November 25, 2003
1:47 pm
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bigdumbguy
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I would think that a person would want to do these things. My gf sounds a lot like you. She likes to be held while she's napping or lying down. She likes the closeness. She gets lonely or sad quickly and I comfort her. Maybe he just wanted to finish the thing with his son. I don't know. Let him know exactly what you need.

November 25, 2003
4:22 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Artist,

Sometimes people need to be told things. You know "you made me feel this way when..." etc.

Funny that you quoted the Bible here. Talked with my best friend this morning (she is my friend with the husband who is still drinking), and she was telling me that her Mother-in-Law showed up last night at her house with her Bible. She then went on to quote all of these things to her about why she should stay married to her husband.

The funny thing about that? She did not quote Genesis 2:24, about leaving our parents and cleaving to our spouse as one.

Z.

November 26, 2003
12:08 am
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Anonymous
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"She then went on to quote all of these things to her about why she should stay married to her husband."

OMG ! Talk about being controlling !

November 26, 2003
10:14 am
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artist 2
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Thank you so much for your friendship and support. I've decided to talk to another friend in person about moving and see what she says about it.

If i didn't have this forum and your support, I don't think I would have even been aware that something was awry.

Balance, you're not way off. I'm sure change scares lots of people, but to hear it makes it more real and more acceptable somehow.

November 26, 2003
10:18 am
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mj
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Artist, Sometimes just talking helps us to understand our feeling better. I think that is a great idea to talk with a friend.

Glad that you have been in my life.
Hugs and Happy Thanksgiving.

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