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Controlling Best Friend ~Need Advice~
September 25, 2006
12:58 pm
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ShortCake
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September 24, 2010
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I moved to a new town a few years ago. I had no friends. Then I met this girl “L” and she and I became best friends. We have had many fun adventures over the last few years. She has been a rock in my life. However, she also is very controlling of our friendship and very judgmental of me when it comes to dating. She loves to point out the negative.

I just broke up with my boyfriend and he and I are trying to be friends. We broke up because the boyfriend has MANY fears and issues with commitment. That topic is still killing me inside, but I will save that one for another thread. Currently I am unsure of how to react to this friendship with “L”.

When I broke up with my ex “L” started telling me it was because I slept with him to fast and because I did not give him his space. She goes on to tell me that I deserve to feel pain because I ditched my girlfriends while dating the ex. That hurt bad! No body deserves to feel pain. I told her I did not ditch them, I saw my girls but I also had a new relationship going on. I kept all my girls up to date with my life, I hung out with them, just not every weekend or everyday. If one of my friends met a new guy and was giving the relationship a chance, I would be happy for them. I would still expect to be part of their life, but maybe in a “NOT EVERY WEEKEND” sort of way. I think she is angry because I had found a sense of happiness and peace. I think she enjoyed the fact that our friendship was built around me always being available to jump and do something…. I did not really have a life…

In addition, she has always been very controlling of me. She tells me what we are doing when we go out. If I suggested something, she would find a reason to do something else. She controlled everything I did. During our friendship I told her how I was codependent in relationships. When my ex and I broke up she threw that in my face and told me to get some professional help. She said I needed help from a pro and to learn to keep my pants on… She kept throwing the fact that I got physical with my ex so fast in my face. She kept telling me how it was all my fault I could not keep a man. It hurt and after being told negative things for so long, you start to believe them. This is when I learned I am codependent in my relationships with men and friends. I have read “Codependent No More” and I remember the book talking about codependency going beyond just dating. I finally understood that is what I was doing in my friendship too.

After thinking about things I decided she was wrong, I wrote her an email. Telling her I did not want to be controlled or told rude things about my past relationship. I told her my sexual choices in life and how fast I move with a man is my issue (keep in mind I have only been with a few men my whole life, I am not a slut). I told her the comments about me needing help were wrong. If I get help it’s because I choose to, not because someone tells me too. I stood up to her for the first time ever, I expressed my feelings. I explained I wanted to be friends, but I was no longer going to be the beta, I want a equal friendship. She calls me her “Beta” because she said she is always “Alpha” in relationships / friendships.

She wrote me back an email telling me I have changed. Telling me she was going to give me space. She has to control everything in my life. Well all my other girlfriends are now not speaking to me. She is also known for venting her anger to all her friends. When she gets mad, she does not forgive or have an open mind to why someone might stand up to her. Now I am feeling alone. I am still dealing with the pain of trying to be “Only Friends” with my ex. At times I want to ditch that friendship because its so tough, but he truly does care and we do have fun together. However, its like starting over. My only friend right now is my mother and my ex.

I don’t know what to do when “L” calls or emails? If she does not call or email then I guess me standing up to her for the FIRST and ONLY time, was to much. I want to fix the relationship, but then I think maybe it’s a relationship not worth fixing. I can’t fix or control other people (that is what I am currently learning in life).

I am a very out going person and I am going to try and start doing new things. Maybe take a class at the community college or find ways to get out. Not sure how to meet new friends? However, I am going to give it a try. Its hard to start over, its hard to meet friends. Any advice on meeting new people?

I guess I just needed to vent. It hurts that a friend I have loved for so long can not even listen or look at her best friend’s side of the story….

Shortcake

September 25, 2006
2:26 pm
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CAMER
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hey shortcake, remember a friend like L is supposed to be that, a friend to listen, to share etc...not to control and call you names, and she has no right to judge what went wrong in the relationship, you never asked for her opinion and she gave it.

You may want to consider this friendship and if it is one, is it supportive, caring, is she there for you, etc.

So you have 2 friends, your mom and your ex, heck, that is good if the friednships are true and worthy.

Standing up to her was good for you, you spoke how you felt and set your boundaries, the rest is up to her.

September 25, 2006
5:32 pm
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ShortCake
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CAMER

Thanks for the advice. Your right, our friends are suppose to support us, not make us feel bad about ourselves or choices in life.

Treat others the way you want to be treaed. Those words are so true.

I sometimes focus on the fact that I lost all my friends in that circle, when I should be thankful for the friends I do have (mom and ex). If they were truly my friends in the first place, they would be there for me.

Thank you so much!
shortcake

September 25, 2006
6:27 pm
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lovetocrochet
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You know, regardless of whatever moral issues are going on, she didn't have the right to tell you that you "deserve" to be hurt. Ultimately as an adult your choices are yours, regardless of if she agrees with them or not. Some things have consequences that smart. That's life. It's not up to her to rub it in your face.

It'd be one thing if she said something like well I was worried things might be going too fast and I'm sorry you got hurt. It's another to figuratively bloody your nose and use a painful experience to bludgeon you with every sin she thinks you've committed. It's one thing to have strong opinions and passionately argue or disagree as long as you stick to facts, it's another to say my way or the highway.

Also if she was trying to be helpful (I'm rolling my eyes as I type this btw), there is a time and a place to raise when you're worried that someone might be making unhealthy choices. Friendships can take a little wear and tear in the things that make you go "ouch" department, but your friend's approach was like throwing silken lace in with a load of industrial towels and running them extra hot on the heavy cycle.

I also wonder if she wasn't a smidgen jealous that you weren't giving HER as much attention when you spent more time with the ex. Someone who has to run the show will get jealous if you stepped in dog poo before they did, they'll look for anything.

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