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Controll: the new drug of choice?
December 9, 2003
9:36 am
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artist 2
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Okay... my bf and I are about to split up for good. He is accusing me of being too controlling again. We had a fight and I wanted to make up, he didn't feel like it. I wanted to be spooned and he offered he a half-assed attempt.

Then we get into a conversation about my being too controlling and demanding. He says I'm addicted to control. That I play the victim and control my environment to create failure to feed my victim role.

Do people do this, or is he brainwashing me?

December 9, 2003
9:39 am
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artist 2
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Also, I threatened to leave for good, because getting along with him - or anyone for that matter is too hard.

I hate relationships.

December 9, 2003
10:36 am
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mj
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Hugs dear Artist.

I feel that way at times too. As you have seen. 🙂

Do you think you are controlling?

December 9, 2003
11:26 am
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artist 2
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I think so in some cases. Like when I'm feeling really sad or scared, I don't know how to tell him what I need, so I just say it. "Can you give me a hug" But sometimes it just sounds to him like a demand - guess it's my tone of voice? I wonder if he's just extra sensitive to demands being placed on him from earlier disputes?

Hope your'e doing ok in your new beginning MJ!

December 9, 2003
5:37 pm
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Hermione
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Hi Artist

Hugs to you! I know what you mean - it all feels so difficult so much of the time - and yet we are told that the right relationship doesn't feel like this. Do you feel like a victim? Do you have control over your own life outside of your BF?
On my own I have regained control over my own life - I did not feel this within the relationship with my husband - it felt like I was continually swimming upstream - I have pulled it apart to see that he was actually controlling me and that the only control freakish thing about myself was the need to have control over my own life. It is a difficult task to remain true to ourselves whilst we are with another person - we want to fit in with them and work cooperatively but I found that my husband was unwilling to budge on many issues so it was always me who had to do the shifting - by the time we separated I had done so much shifting I had almost forgotten who I was. Don't let him tell you who you are - take a good long look at yourself and make up your own mind. Don't be frightened about being on your own - it may give you the space to get the perspective you need.
Goodluck,H

December 9, 2003
10:37 pm
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Squeezles
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Is it 'controlling' to 'demand/ask' for a hug? Maybe, but why is he so relunctant to give it to you?

A hug is a display of affection. A hug indicates love and acceptance. A hug is comforting. A hug equals security.

To me, it is controlling of HIM to withold the hug from you. HE'S trying to prove that HE'S in control by not giving into your wishes when you want/need them. HE'S controlling you by not giving you that sense of security and love that hug a represents.

I also think it's controlling to use the term 'controlling' to try and modify someone else's behaviour.

I hope your needs get met soon, artist.

December 9, 2003
10:47 pm
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silk
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Hey Artist2: People flow in and out of your life all along its journey. Maybe this is a time when you are moving on? Perhaps you are making room for something better? Maybe that something better is with him...or maybe it is not...?

Being controlling isn't always that bad, either. Controlling people are the ones that get things done. They are the philanthropists and the managers and the coordinators and the CEOs of life's affairs. They make things happen.

Hugs to you. I know that this must hurt at some level.

December 10, 2003
1:21 am
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DMX
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Well, if I had to choose a drug I'd go for some hallucinogenous stuff... But o.k., yeah, that shit happens. That is why I would never be in a relationship in which the guy could actually DARE to call me controlling... I go for controlling them so much, for actually brainwashing, total domination, I AM GOD... if not, it won't work. And I've tried, believe me... But so far my not-my-boyfriend (coz we broke up) is the guy that I have lasted the most; and this is because he is DEVOTED to me! You just have to stop torturing yourself by saying am I controlling? YOU'D BETTER BE! The world is divided by three: the ones who control, the ones that are controlled... and the one that just don't live in here (but they bodies still are around us). So... If you are the controlling one... CONGRATULATIONS! Now go look for someone that enjoys it, coz believe me... there are many...
ANYONE KNOWS WHY MY PUPILS ARE STILL DILATED??? 😛

December 10, 2003
1:31 am
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DMX
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oh and, btw, if he has already started with the "you are too controlling" shit, it probably means he wants to fuck someone else by now. Sorry to be so crude, but that is the way guys are... You just have to know the level of imbecility that they deal with daily (understand it as thinking process but I won't be as generous as to call it that) because most of them are just sluts that think with their dick's head. So my advice is just forget about him and don't be submissive anymore... If he is complaining about you asking him for hugs, oh my god, he is probably fucking someone else by now!

December 10, 2003
1:36 am
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gingerleigh
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Every relationship is different, because every person is different. When I first read DMX's post, I did a double take like, DMX can NOT be serious, but actually, I think I might have first misread it. I know some relationships that are really "equal" and some that are "lopsided". Which people are happier? Both are happy. My "lopsided" friend couple consists of a lady who is a total control freak and a man who wants to have his life managed. They are happy. She went through many failed relationships because she was "too controlling", and he went through many failed relationships because he was "too passive". Together, they are perfect. Odd, but perfect.

Artist, maybe understanding yourself, embracing all of who you are (your controlling aspects and non-controlling aspects), you will understand more the type of partner who will complement you.

Have you read the book "Dark Side of the Light Chasers"?

December 10, 2003
11:39 am
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mj
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Double take...What? Couldn't follow you at all DMX?

December 10, 2003
1:00 pm
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Ladeska
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He's taking the attention off of himself in order to confuse you, spin you around and place the blame on you. It's called - transference. Old trick. Works well.

December 10, 2003
1:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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I didn't see DMX's second post... I was referring to the first one. DMX, that's kind of a hurtful post, don't you think?

December 11, 2003
11:02 am
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artist 2
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I don't think he's doing that, because we have great sex, still. Lad, yes he doesn't talk much about his own doings, but has plenty to say about mine!

Thanks for the feedback.

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