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controling or legitimate?
June 27, 2006
6:30 am
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codep
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My best friend of 5 years moved away awhile back and is coming for a visit, she had called and asked me to pick her up at the airport we even had plans to hang out. My b/f of 6 month's has gotten all irritated because I have told him stories about her and I and the good old days and he knows she is kind of a "part girl" and now he doesn't want me to pick her up or hang out with her. I know she does things that I dont always agree with and is quite promiscues "sp"? But I accept her for the way she is. My b/f said she's a bad influence and that I dont need people like that in my life any more and doesn't want me to have contact with her. Is he legitimate in requesting me to cut contact with her?

June 27, 2006
6:56 am
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sleepless in uk
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Codep I dont think he has the right to tell you who you should hang out with. Its really up to you if you want to see your friend and spend time with her.

You dont have to be influenced by anything she does or doesnt do and he should trust you to make those decisions yourself....

unless you have given him reason not to trust you I think he is being unreasonable..

just reassure him that she is your friend and you want to spend time with her and that is all..

enjoy the visit

June 27, 2006
7:04 am
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codep
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I have given him reason not to trust me. I recently confessed to him that I kissed my ex b/f and was flirty with this guy at work but nothing happend. But I initiated this confession to get it out in the open and to tell him how remorseful I was for doing it...
He gets all pouty and irritated when he thinks that I'll be spending time with her...

June 27, 2006
7:49 am
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sleepless in uk
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Do you think maybe he feels a bit excluded?

would it work if some of the time she is here you could all do something together so he doesnt feel left out.?

Maybe that would reassure him so that he would be happier when you spend time alone with your friend

June 27, 2006
8:15 am
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codep
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he said he has no desire to hang out with her in the least and is VERY uncomfortable for me to even see her. He doesn't even want me to pick her up and drop her off at her dad's house because he thinks she'll influence me to do something else...

June 27, 2006
8:21 am
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sleepless in uk
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In that case i think if i were you I would be very polite but firm and say something like Im sorry you feel that way but she is my friend and i am going to see her.

If he pouts then maybe you should let him??

June 27, 2006
1:37 pm
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lollipop3
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Codep,

I'm sorry to say but it sounds a bit controlling to me.

If he is THAT concerned about you being alone with her then he should be willing to come along...the fact that he is unwilling to compromise is not a good sign.

As the saying goes....We teach people how to treat us....don't let that lesson be that he can dictate who your friends are or what you can do with them.

Good luck,
Lolli

June 27, 2006
1:42 pm
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atalose
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6 months of bf doesn't come close to 5 years of a friendship. It sounds like he is attempting to control this whole situation, not a good sign, especialy only 6 months into this. I agree with sleepless in uk, be firm with him and your decision.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 27, 2006
1:43 pm
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jastypes
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I don't know about controlling. Perhaps it is just borne out of his own insecurity. I wouldn't give in to it, though, because then it won't stop there, and before you know it, you won't be going anywhere without him or his permission. His insecurity, his worry, his opinion is HIS PROBLEM.

June 27, 2006
1:44 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Codep....me again....

I have read your other threads and realized that this is the same man that has "not been supportive" of you with regards to you children and has basically talked you into staying with him instead of being with your kids.

Very, very controlling....and more importantly....it appears as though he is trying to isolate you from your family and friends. Very bad sign Codep.

And now you are moving in with him after 5/6 months?????

I'm scared for you codep.

Obviously I cannot tell you what to do and I will support you no matter what you decide...but this job falling through sounds like the perfect opportunity to go back home and be with your family and children.

Now seems like a time for some serious soul searching and try to figure out why it is that you are allowing a man that you have only known for a very short time come between you, your children, your family and friends.

Please codep....think long and hard about this one.

My thoughts are with you.

Lolli

June 27, 2006
2:36 pm
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codep
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thank you all for your reply;
I did create a new thread about "creating a mess" but it all pretty much goes hand in hand.
I've decided to stick it out here on my own in my apartment, I know I'll find another job. I think after I tell b/f that I'm not moving in he will back out of the relationship but thats the chance I have to take.
As far as moving back home I addressed in another thread.
The reason I'm questioning if it would be a good decision is because the only family other than my kids that I have there is my sister who is a recovering addict and we had a huge falling out a few years ago and have just recently been in contact, so I havent' really had the time to see if things have changed in her life enough for me to feel comfortable being there with her until I get on my feet. I think it would be better for my kids to know that I"m here maybe even struggling but better than living a life I've fought so hard to get out of. I think I'll wait out on the decision to go home, I WILL NOT move in with b/f because it's all wrong the whole relationship and situation. So what if I have to find a job and struggle to pay my rent "welcome to being an adult" right? I mean whats the worst thing to happen? I fall flat on my face but alteast I can say that I tried it "all by myself" it's the first step to being a grown-up and I need lots of practice on that one.
Thank you all so much for your support here, I love you guys so much and appreciate all you do to help me out. I know I can be stubborn and difficult with decisions sometimes, but it's only because I've spent my entire life making the wrong decisions and now I question every decision I make because I dont trust myself to make the right decision....
(((HUGS))) and cheers to my baby steps at becoming an adult without a man finaly at age 34 šŸ˜‰

June 27, 2006
3:05 pm
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nappy
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We all makes mistakes in our lives and that is the one reason why we learn from them. Don't let him tell you what to do. Then he will be controlling your every move. That is why I say don't move in with him. Me and my ex only lasted 4 good months together until something happen, (I don't know what). He started acting strange and it wasn't good every since. There is a reason why things happen in our lives and we just have to go through the storm and let god guide us out of it. You remember the story about jesus in the boat and there was a storm and the others was scared. When he woke, he calm the storm and ask them why they didn't have faith. Have faith and be strong, we are with you every step of the way.

June 27, 2006
4:59 pm
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codep
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I told him I wasnt' going to move in and this is only a "part" of the response I got from him:

"you've made a committment to me. you've told me that you're ready and excited about moving in. i've made a committment to you, and i'm not backing out of it and i don't want you to back out of it either. we have a lot to talk about..
about you're ability to make a committment, you're ability to stick with me in the good times, as well as the bad, and about you being too easily influenced by others about the decisions that THEY want to make for you"

He wants to come over after work and "talk" I've noticed he can be manipulative because I am so easily pursuaded. I'm standing my ground on this one. I told him if he needed to "vent" because I've been so indecisive thats fine but I'm not going to talk about "my decision" He said NO we need to talk about everything.. OMG he is pissed...Wish me luck and pray that I have the strength to stand up for MY decision that I feel is right....

June 27, 2006
5:08 pm
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nappy
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Listen to what he is saying on that last part about you being too easily influenced by others about the decision that they want to make for you. He is doing the same thing and he can't except thet fact that you don't want to move in with him. Why is he pissed off at you when he should be thinking that well maybe this is not the right time for us to be doing this, especially if you have doubt. My ex did the same thing and I stood my ground. Even after we split up and got back together again. He wanted to come over to my house all the time and I just wouldn't have it. If I want to see you then I would come over to your house. He was even mad that I wouldn't let him spend the night at my house. I told him he would not be setting up house here, when we had a nice home together. He left and he have to deal with his action.
As a friend, stand you ground. See me and my ex only had 4 good months together, the rest of the months was hell and it wind me up in the hospital and it took me almost a year to get myself together. Stress will kill you and I am here to let you know that. I didn't realize that people could and can cause stress. Take it from me girl, you are better off, just dating him.

June 27, 2006
5:13 pm
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codep
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I'll let you know how it goes.. I'm kind of nervous but I know I'm doing the right thing, thank you nappy for pointing out that HE too is doing the same thing, trying to influence my decision by what HE thinks is the best decision for me. He cant accept that MY decision is to not move in with him and you would think that he would be hesitant about moving in with someone that is so indecisive, I know I would be...HE should be the one doubting this whole live in situation haha...
Thanks again and I'll keep ya posted šŸ˜‰

June 27, 2006
6:46 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Stay strong Codep...and as Nappy says the one here trying to influence you to do something you dont want to do is him..

good luck

June 28, 2006
2:11 am
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sewunique
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Wow has Nappy got it on the mark with her last post.

If I could just quite my exh with what your b/f said, it's about the same thing. Very eerie to read what your boyfriend said about others etc. Is seems a bit like he is trying to steer you away from others, your friends, to put it bluntly here; like isloating you from others. He says "stop listening to others, listen to WHAT I SAY"

The first thing he said too about the commitment thing; you can back out or change your mind ANYTIME YOU DESIRE TO! The way he says this (to me) feels very controlling and a bit threatening, plainly, it DOES NOT sound loving or caring about you at all.

Make sense?

Sew

June 28, 2006
6:25 am
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codep
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Sew,
When I read it thats what I thought too.
I felt immediately on the defense thinking "hey buddy you're not gonna tell me what to do"
It makes sense to me.

He came over last night and after about 30 minutes when he seen that I was adamant about staying in my apartment he became the most supportive, understanding person in the world.
It's crazy, It's almost like he is trying to kill me with kindness now.
The important part is that I didn't move in and it's wonderful that he wants to be so supportive and understanding but I am deffinitely on watch for controling behavior and atleast by not living with him if things get even worse it will be much easier to end the relationship if it came to that.
I dont know how I would have gotten thru this without the support of all of you...
I know this is trivial compared to alot of people on here that experience alot more pain and grief in their situations but it does help me to see how strong all of you are and makes me feel stronger in my life and my issues that I have to deal with everyday.
This site has been such a blessing to me and all of you are my ((angels)) Thank you...

June 28, 2006
7:20 am
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sewunique
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DO not undermine any trivialness about your situation!!!

Take it for what it is and work on it. If not, you can get so depressed, so controlled and allow abuse and then you will be in the muck and honey, you ain't wanna go there!

Seriously though. If you can learn from anyone here, great. If you can learn and PREVENT yourself from getting into any bad realtionship that turns sour or harmful like many others here, then even better!

I would suggest you get started, if you already haven't, on reading and searching information on the web about codependency and abusive realtionships....quickly. You are already second guessing him. But, you are so learning and understanding things quickly.

Gosh, I am lost for ideas and words here, someone has to come along and say what I want to say to you and feel I am just blundering at it.

Sew

June 28, 2006
7:26 am
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sewunique
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Codep,

that is another caution about him turning all nicey so quickly. You mad a choice and stood firm in yur choice.

He saw what his stratedgy was did not work on you. So new tactic of his; it is called; "Hey, I am a nice guy. I support you to what ever you say. I am a charmer! How could you disagree with me? I am now supporting you in your decision?"

Codep.......look up old thread by Ladeska called "Charmer/Abuser"

Read it and see if anything makes sense to you. Get back to us and see what you think. Don't read anything into it, just read it. We are not there and do not know your b/f as you do. I and we, are just going on what little information you share with us here.

Okay?

Sew

June 28, 2006
8:39 am
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codep
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Sew,

Thank you so much for directing me to the post of "charmer/abuser" I took alot from it and shed some tears at the part of taking the little girl by the hand and showing her how to live as an adult. OMG it was so insightful...I've always felt that I handled things like a child b/c as I've gotten older my child is still very much inside of me, I think of it as that part of me that feels weak, alone and vulnerable and unable to make decisions for herself. WOW...I see alot of the charcteristics in my b/f of charmer/abuser, so many things feel into place, the way he is always "for me" when I stand up to him, how he is always trying to "take care of me" and one of the things that caught my eye in the post was how they isolate you from friends and family so that you wont get smart to them b/c they know they have you clouded and someone else wouldn't see them that way, also how different he is with his friends vs me? it's like he's a different person, OH and how the post stated like they want to "teach you" He actually has even SAID that to me, he said I"m the one that has my shit together let me "teach" you how to do it..WOW, I'm almost speechless.. Thank you so much Sew, It was an eye opener...I"m deff stepping back and watching things very closely, I do want to learn more about this tho, when I get time I"ll look up some previous posts on it, but thank you so so very much.....

June 28, 2006
11:06 am
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nappy
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Codep,
Good Morning, I hope that this is a bless day for you. I read your thread and you should be proud of yourself for taking the first step in working on yourself from not being weak, vulnerable and taking a stand for your life and really taking a good hard look at your boyfriend and the reason that he is really there. It is funny how there is so many people out there that is trying to control others that they can't even control themselves. Those type of people can spot the ones that are weak and vulnerable. But with god strength, you can over comes all of your storms.
Just sit back and watch your boyfriend. If he is the type of person that will support your growth in life and as a woman and as a person, then he is worth a chance but if he is the type of person that will hinder your life in trying to take control of your well being and your life then it is time to let him go. Look at the situation right now, don't think that in time everything will be alright because if they are not solve now, they will never be. Your boyfriend is probably scare about life also. And the only way that he knows how to be is to be in control of another and scared to be alone in fear that those feeling are going to come out and he scare.
That last line about him having his shit together is a laugh because if that was the case, he would be out teaching alot of people on how to get there act together and live a life the way he is doing. HA HA HA didn't mean to laugh.

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