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Control Control Control
February 22, 2005
11:58 am
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Anonymous
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I find it a common issue in most of these threads, at least in mine, that I have had an issue with wanting to control the other person, even just wanting them to be nice to me, is in some sense a control issue.

I wanted Mr. Jack to act a certain way and when he didn't I did manipulations to try to get him to act affectionate and care.

No matter for what reason, it shouldn't end up resulting in that.

Why do I strive so much for his approval and affection when he just isn't capable of it.

I truly dislike him, and I truly dislike the fact that I am the one suffering and he is on his merry little way.

February 22, 2005
12:01 pm
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Anonymous
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Want to hear something bad, I think I tried to control men by sex.

February 22, 2005
12:12 pm
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mj
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Hi Aces & Spades,
Normally we don't talk but this title struck my eye.

I just want to say that I don't think it is bad. Why do you think it is bad? I think most women are raised believing that sex is their only defense in relationships. How sick is that for a society?

I use to manipulate and control because that is all I knew. Now I am learning to change my behavior because it only hurts me. I am learning the only person I can control is myself. I am alot happier. I am learning to set limits and boundaries when things feel wrong. I don't need to make someone else do something but I know that their response is their right to be who they are. Acceptance is important. We are all free to ask for what we want assertively and then accept the answers we get back.

I am learning the patterns in my life and how they haven't worked for me. I am working on changing the ones that don't work and replacing them with new behaviors.

So......I just wanted to validate you that you are not the only one that has manipulated and controlled and used sex as a weapon. Hope that you find something that works for you in being honest.

February 22, 2005
12:17 pm
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Anonymous
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I have started to more so than I ever have.

It is nice saying NO I don't want to have sex, or I just don't feel there is anything there, or I am not okay with that action.

But then don't you feel alone when most people out there play the same game and do the same thing?

February 22, 2005
3:48 pm
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kathygy
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aces, he's [probably not on his merry way. He may be on his way but a person who is as dysfunctional as Mr. Jack is not a happy person. You can bet he is suffering.

February 22, 2005
3:53 pm
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Anonymous
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That is the best thing I have heard all day.

February 22, 2005
4:27 pm
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carbuff
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I know how you feel (look under the SEPERATED posts). If I tell my wife I am hurting she can only tell me she can not help me. She says she is hurting to but I am not seeing it. She is a recovered alcoholic and she seemed to loose those feeling after recovery. I have been reading the Alcoholic posts with interest as you can imagine. She is also distant with our kids so it is not just me. I am not sure if there is a simple answer. We did not have sex for 3.5 months and it was not by my choice. She told me she did not have interest or a sex drive. I can tell you she has one now. It's maybe not as high as mine but its there. Was she using sex or lack of to control me? Maybe.

February 22, 2005
4:29 pm
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addicts wife
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I agree withKathy.
People that are tat Dysfunctional May have a great facade of happiness and success, but deep down(or not so deep Down) they are miserable, andterified tht they will get "figured out" becasue theyve spent so much time creating this identity for themselves, adn If They was oof track once, I t could all unravel, then theys have to really look at the true "them" but as long as theykeep on going, finding soemone else to build up and listen to the facade theythik they are ok..
You know better, and you're doing GREAT.. without him.. You are the one that is going to be with you the longest, so take GREAT care of yourself...

February 22, 2005
4:38 pm
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sewunique
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So they are afraid of being figured out???????? Really?

Then I think I am getting closer to understanding him.

So what happens when you tell them that you really know where they are coming from???? Especially in the game playing with controlling of behaviors and emotions.

This is REALLY important for me to understand guys, as right now we are going into negotioatins, his choice, and he is a negotioator by work experience. And I am afraid I am going to loose everything with his tactics. I really need to know how to meet him head on and not get lost in my coda ways and being a whimp and just giving up and giving in. I am really trying to learn to be strong and stand up for myself and do what is fair and just. Help!!! I am listening to you all!

February 22, 2005
4:39 pm
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sewunique
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I think if we can gain more insight on this control issue, it might help Aces to let go and help all of us!

February 22, 2005
5:15 pm
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woundedspirit
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My ex always says Im controlling or trying to control him because I ask him to be honest with me when hes hanging out with other women. But if Im honest, the real way Im controlling is in trying to do things to get him to "love" me. Like sex and doing things for him. Like today in the thread I started for aces...That was manipulative and I guess trying to control also. Control how he thinks of me definitely. I get upset my ex is moving on and often I think he must be happier but...the reality is, I do think he is a miserable person inside. I know he alwasy suffers from depression and you wouldnt believe how much Ive gone out my way when he is in his "whoa is me" phases trying to convince him what a great guy he really is! Even right after he has treated me like dirt...I still talk him into what a great guy he is...pathetic! Why? I guess that is a form of control also trying to show that Im a great girlfriend and get him to appreciate me

February 22, 2005
7:30 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"I have had an issue with wanting to control the other person, even just wanting them to be nice to me, is in some sense a control issue.
...
I truly dislike him, and I truly dislike the fact that I am the one suffering..."

Control tactics usually backfire or derail to power struggles and break-up.

You report how you 'truly dislike him'. Perhaps you want to change him into a guy that you can like. After all, you 'truly dislike him' as he 'is'.

February 22, 2005
7:49 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Want to hear something bad, I think I tried to control men by sex."

Sure. You can control them by sex.

"If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow." Murphy's Law.

February 22, 2005
7:55 pm
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woundedspirit
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LOL...funny Murphy

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