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considering pressing charges. thoughts?(suzie)
May 13, 2009
10:09 am
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suzieQ_85
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May 13, 2009
10:13 am
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suzieQ_85
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im thinking about pressing charges,
first i didnt want to because i felt sorry for him to have him charged but now that iam FEELING the consequences of what happened and after the email he sent yesterday where he still doesnt see he's wrong but is actually blaming me for how it went wrong, im thinking: it's not that IM getting him in trouble.. he got himself in trouble! its not that i got him a permanent record. he did that himself!!!! hes actually telling people that he dumped me BECAUSE IT JUST DIDNBT WORK OUT. IT MAKES ME SO MAD!!
so, what do you guys say?

May 13, 2009
11:39 am
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RobynB
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Well Suzie, if you thought he was going to do something honorable, like admit he was abusive to you and turn himself into rehab, it's time to let go of that fantasy.

I used to dream about my abusive ex having this big "ah-ha!" moment, where he sobers up, goes to rehab, and came out this respectful person who could be a role model for society. I used to imagine him saying "you know, I did it for her because she believed in me and I loved her so much. I'm a better person for having her to support me."

This probably happens in about 1% of cases... and I'm not sure where or when or how, but my upbeat nature wants to believe that change is possible if you want it bad enough or get educated enough.

Now is the time, however, for you to make a decision, because this man is the other 99%. If you feel like you must press charges, then do it. But if you feel like this is an impulsive decision being made in regards to his public statements about why your relationship ended, then simply know this: Everyone will know he is a liar. He will abuse his next girlfriend and the next until a big older brother kills him, or she locks him up. And everyone is already aware of the fact that he is a lying SOB and you are better off without him. It won't take a criminal record to confirm that. These are things that people know. I went on a date with a guy once and something just didn't jive, even though he was attentive, handsome, funny, and fairly well-off. There was something in his expression, he was very calculated. I never went out with him again, but used to see him around town. Low and behold, it came out that he beat his ex-wife... after he beat his current girlfriend. And everyone knew he was a scum, because a good man won't even let it come close to that. If I ever threatened to plot to make my boyfriend look like an abuser, he would immediately not be alone with me and probably break up with me. And I can only imagine the reaction I would get if I actually tried to publicily say he did that, because he wouldn't The public knows these things, whether you think he hides it well or not. So don't let him make you do "crazy" things as he tries to salvage his reputation. You must be as calm and calculated and reasonable as possible.

This "blame game" and emailing stuff is a bunch of bullshit. It's his idea of how he will keep you in the game. When I mess up in my relationship and go crazy, I ALWAYS make sure that my bf knows I am accepting responsibility for the bad behavior. This man is simply trying to get you to cower before him, forgive him, and take him back. If you take him back know, he'll be thrilled because the police won't believe you and you will be even weaker than you were before. Plus, he will claim this as "proof" he didn't abuse you. As in, "If I abused her, do you think we would have gotten back together? She's crazy and lying?" Does this sound like something he would do? Well, that's because all abusers are experts in trying to manipulate others. The thing is that a regular, non-abusive person doesn't go through these things, even when a relationship doesn't work out. They don't have to justify, because they have no actions to cover up. So again, he just proves to the world he is a scum, even in his efforts to cover his ass.

I support whatever decision you make in pressing charges. Perhaps deliever this ultimatum via email: "I have gone to the police and my doctor and reported the abuse. I have the evidence to make it stick. This is your last chance (that I don't need to give you) to stop contacting me. The next contact you make, via phone, email, in person or by friend, will result in me immediately following through and pressing charges. I want no further contact with you, your friends, or family. Any contact beyond this will be considered harrassment." Then, print the email and take it to police to put in your file and tell them that if he violates this request, you will be back with the proof, whether it be email, phone records, or a personal witness.

And then follow through guilt free.

Sorry this got so long... I'm very passionate about your situation! (((SuzieQ)))

May 13, 2009
11:42 am
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atalose
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Well it all depends…………

Are you pressing charges because you know and understand his behavior is abuse or are you wanting to press charges today because he is telling people that he dumped you BECAUSE IT JUST DIDN’T WORK OUT.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 13, 2009
11:46 am
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soofoo
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I don't know the whole story here, but I think it is up to you, and I would support either decision.

I think the important question to ask yourself is, what will pressing charges do for you or to you? How will it impact your life?

Then you can make a decision that is at least partly based on whether it will be negative or positive for you.

In the meantime, don't worry about what he tells people, it's of no importance. He can tell people whatever he wants, it means nothing about you. And if he has committed a crime or broken a law, he absolutely brought whatever consequences result upon himself.

May 13, 2009
12:26 pm
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PreciousG
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Suzie,

You are 100% correct. He did this to himself. You are not to blame nor should you take responsibility for his abusive behavior or any behviaor for that matter.

I Agree with the others. You have to decide why you are pressing charges. Is it because you want revenge?

At first when I was reading your post I thought that you were going to say you were pressing charges because he really needs help and maybe by pressing charges he would get the help that he desparetly needs.

The e-mail and him telling people that he dumped you because it just didn't work out is him still play games and pushng your buttons to get your attention. He is still abusing you. As Robynb said, he is never going to do the honorable thing by you. But you can do the honorable thing by you.

Do not react to his games but instead act. I know that you are angry. For so long you put up with and denied that he was abusive. Now that you have admitted to yourself and taken action to think that others do not know the truth is unimaginable to you. You have finally given a voice to your secret and the pain and to have him going around denying that is too much to bear. I get that Suzie. But you have to look deep within yourself and ask yourself "Why am I pressing charges?", "What does it mean if I press charges?", "What are the consequences of mean pressing charges?" "Am I simply doing this for revenge?" and when answering this questions you have to be honest with yourself like you have never been before.

Then I would contact the police and get detailed information about the process for pressing charges and what happens after you press charges. In other words I would arm myself with information and understand what I am in store for so that I can have a plan of action

I will support you no matter what you deside Suzie.

((((Suzie))))

PreciosuG

May 21, 2009
11:15 am
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PreciousG
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Hi (((Suzie))),

You haven't posted in awhile. I think about you everyday and ask the Angles to give watch over you. I hope your trip and the article that you are writting are both going super well.

I am going to lunch with my EX's parents today. I am moving next Tuesday and his Mother is leaving for Europe next Friday. We have been talking often and she has been a major support to me in these last couple of weeks.

When you have the opportunity to post I would really like to know how you are doing.

Thinking of you,

PreciousG

((((Suzie))))

May 25, 2009
7:01 pm
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suzieQ_85
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dear dear precious

im sorry for my absence. ive just been soooo busy.

so an update: ive pressed charges. not to have my revenge but because i do feel i need to stand up for myself and say: this was not okay, you will not get away with this. he will be taken to the police station somewhere this week and they will prob keep him in custody. i hope it will be his wake-up call and that the cycle of abuse will stop there. for his future girlfriends, wife, kids even!!

I havent spoken to him anymore.... i am really truly done with him!!!! i feel i should celebrate this!
really precious... i feel soooooooo relieved and i feel soooo alive.
i really dont find ANYTHING appealing about being with him anymore.

Czech was amaaaazing. I mean, the first few days were really hard because the group was tough and competitive and it was all so fresh still but after that... i got my feist back. i felt like myself again. way more than i did during our previous break.

i even have a little crush now 🙂
im not rushing into anything but it feels good to flirt and feel desired again.

So back to you now. you are moving tomorrow! thats so scary. are you all set? how was lunch with the parents?

i really appreciate that youve thought about me. you are a great friend.

i hope you are doing well and you are in my thoughts. positive energy- ball coming your way!

good luck tomorrow and let me know how everything is going

xxxx suzie

May 26, 2009
9:57 am
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RobynB
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Wow, Suzie, good for you!

I'm glad to hear about all the positive changes you have brought your way!

(((Suzie)))

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