Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
confusing statement
September 12, 2005
10:33 am
Avatar
notsoperki
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So my weekend with my BF was good. Minus some bantering that we had because we were both exhausted from the drive. We were having a great dinner when he looks at me and says that "I've been thinking"..my heart sunk. He's been married once before and has been divorced for 5 years. He said "I don't know if I want to get married again". I don't know where that came from because I don't talk about marriage to him. He said that because he has fallen so in love with me that he has been thinking about marriage and it makes him uncomfortable. I inturn told him that, then maybe im not the one for you because if I was you wouldn't want to be without me...he denied wanting to be without me. So we're in the middle of this great mini-vacation and I have just been told by the man I love that he might not want to marry me...but he doesn't want the relationship to end. I told him that in the back of my mind that I feel like he is trying to get me to break off this relationship because he is to chicken...which he denys as well. What is a girl to think?! Ideas please!!!! It's only been 6 months since we started dating.

September 12, 2005
10:46 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It sounds like you both are honestly communicating. That is really important in any relationship.

Do you want to marry? If you do, then tell him that marriage is important to you.

September 12, 2005
10:47 am
Avatar
littlemiss_skipjack
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello Notsoperki,

well, what do *you* want? Do you want to marry this man and how will this improve your life? Do you want to break up or stay with him and why? Is he good to you? Is he good for you? Does he make you laugh? Does he cook for you? Does HE support you? I am learning more and more to ask these questions, instead of trying to figure out what the guy really wants. Because if I don´t know what I want and go for it, nobody will 😉

Big hug, Little Miss Skipjack

September 12, 2005
10:56 am
Avatar
notsoperki
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Littlemiss skipjack &mj

Those are questions I have been asking myself over and over again. He is wonderful to me for me. After the last relationship i was in (mentally friggen abusive! which i managed to break off and live to tell about it) he is the BEST thing that could have ever come my way. I am not the skinniest person..about a size 14 but he makes me feel like the most beautiful cutest girl alive. He is a workaholic so he doesn't always have time to see me but when we do see each other it's great. We cook together, we like to travel..etc...the only problem is is that i have never been married and I have no kids. He on the other hand has and does. I have told him that I eventually want to marry someone and possibly have a child (im not exactly sure I do want one! I have ADD so bad sometimes that i have to leave the grocery store if there are to many kids running around) but i have told him this. We do communicate pretty good. Do I just stick it out and see. Because when he was saying it, it seemed like he just isn't certain. Which is fine because neither am i.

September 12, 2005
10:57 am
Avatar
notsoperki
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

oh..thanks for the hug littlemiss skipjack.

September 12, 2005
2:36 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

now you have to decide.....you want marriage and he doesn't....maybe he is just afraid of being hurt again like his last marriage.

You can still keep on with the relationship, things may change, a friend of mine is married, and when she first got married her hubby said he didn't want kids and she did, and big fights started....fast forward 14 years later...they now have 2 wonderful children....

This is up to you now, do you want to end it or hope he changes his mind and wants what you want.

good luck (((hugs from Camer))))

September 12, 2005
2:39 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

BUT - go forward BELIEVING he won't change.

if you go forward thinking you can change his mind or he might - and he doesn't - you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

go forward knowing if he never commits to anything on paper or official you are OKAY WITH IT.

remember - we can't change anyone else - or love them so much they want to change.

go forward knowing this may be the final answer.

September 12, 2005
2:45 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

There is a lot to consider here. You said that he works a lot and you don't spend much time. Things could be different once you commit to living together. You have to really know the person inside and out before you decide to marry. If he is adament about not doing this, and you really want it, then you are wasting time. If you want children and he doesn't then you have a real issue and again wasting time. But right now, it is still early in the relationship. There is plenty of time to figure these things out. It is perfectly natural to be unsure too. Give it time. it sounds like he likes you the way you are. That is good thing.

September 12, 2005
2:56 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How important is marriage to you? I think its important to keep talking in an open and honest way about marriage and what his considerations are. Ask him if he is 100% sure about ruling out marriage forever. Keep communication open and flowing, stay honest with yourself and him and you will know what to do.

love,
kathy

September 13, 2005
9:33 am
Avatar
notsoperki
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Those are all really good thoughts and ideas to consider. Alicat I think you nailed it on the head with the "expect he will not change". That is so hard to imagine. There isn't a whole lot I would change about him at all. Maybe things would be a little different if we were to move in together we have considered it but we are both REALLY gun shy!

It's almost like we want to move in together but then we both sit back and remember what it was like moving out at the end of our last relationships. (talk about the worst thing I ever had to do).

However as I was listening to him talk about not wanting to marry it really seemed like he was just scared as if we were going to get married tomorrow. Why do guys think that way sometimes. They freak out over what seems to be nothing.

September 13, 2005
9:38 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well, then recognize his fear - and back off - if that's comfortable with you and you are okay with it.

alot of times we expect men to do things for us - but then think "I am codependent, I do alot already, maybe I don't have to do anything more"...reality is - if he feels a little discomfort over moving too fast - then take it slow - there is no rush is there?

but talk to him about it - make sure that it IS what is making him uncomfortable - and know that even if you take it slow, even if you move in together, even if you love him with all you have, in the most healthy loving manner - he may still not want to get married.

you will have to soul search and decide what you can live with and what you can't - you know you may not want children, so you are comfortable with his uncertainty - but it sounds like you know you want to get married - and his uncertainty is making you uncomfortable.

maybe you can change your mind and maybe he can change his - but in the end, don't sacrifice or settle on what you want - and don't expect him to either - go forward knowing there are no guarantees and being okay with it.

you are on the right track.

September 13, 2005
2:40 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I see this as that things are going really well. It is too early to tell right now. He said he doesn't know. So he doesn't know right now. Allow this time and keep it honest.

September 13, 2005
4:30 pm
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well, my two cents worth is he's being honest with you. He's communicated to you his honest feelings. he said what he meant and he meant what he said..that's your best bet. You've only been dating for 6 months and he's admitted to you that right now he doesn't feel like getting married again. That's how he feels, right now. Could his feelings change?..sure they could, but they might not either anfd there's little you can do either way except to listen. If he's been thru a divorce I don't think he'd be shy about breaking it off.

If his not wanting to get married right now doesn't meet your needs right now then it's something you'll need to work on/do something about.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714259
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information