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Confusing love and pity
February 9, 2005
7:56 am
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kc30
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Sort of a breakthrough for me... I began to wonder a while ago WHY I would still love my husband, who is never there to encourage or support me, and is not capable of meeting any of my needs in my marriage.

Problem for a long time was I didn't know I had needs, or what they were...he took all of my attention and thoughts. After we were separated, I had no choice but to look after myself and started to learn a lot about what I wanted. I know he doesn't have it in him to give me that...

so the question was...how could you really "love" him? Sure, I loved the idea of who I thought he was, and I did love him when he was healthier...but now...

Then it sort of hit me...it's not love...it's pity! I feel so sorry for him and wanted to "help" him. I've talked to 2 therapists about this, who said "oh my goodness yes...it happens all the time. Feeling sorry for someone and mistaking it for love because the feelings are so compelling."

Also was told yesterday that codependants often do this...confuse love for pity and only love those we can pity.

Anyone else buy that? Makes perfect sense to me...why I've hung around so long after being treated so poorly. That can't be love...doesn't even come close.

Thoughts?

February 9, 2005
8:23 am
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woundedspirit
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KC that is a really interesting thought. Im wondering if that might be my problem as well. Im really going to give that some thought in relation to my own ex that I cant seem to let go of. He truly treated/treats me bad and was not there much for my needs. Selfish and very needy himself. Thank you so much for the post!

February 9, 2005
9:42 am
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kc30
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Wounded...your ex sounds like mine. How can we say we love them when they do nothing to really earn that love? What is there to love? Love isn't unconditional...unless it's your kids I guess.

It's one thing to see positive characteristics in a person, and care about their well-being...but how can it be love when there is no "give" in the give and take dynamics that love involves. When it's only "take take take"...that can't be love. Not real love.

I know I feel sorry for my husband, but love? How could you really love someone who doesn't even treat you with kindness, compassion, understanding? It doesn't make sense to me. Confusing love with pity makes perfect sense....

I guess the more I learn about what defines a loving relationship, the more I go "whoa- I am NOT in a loving relationship" So to say I stay for love isn't accurate.

I dunno...deep thoughts for a Wednesday I guess...

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