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Confused need help is this verbal abuse?
September 22, 2009
3:04 pm
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Hi, I've been in a relationship for 12yrs and I think I have started to realize i'm being verbally abused. It hasn't always been like this it has just gotten worse over the past few years.

Here's an example, lastnight at dinner I used his teriyaki sauce which I didn't know was "his" for this he blew up on me calling me a "F&*king B^%ch" after dinner he was trying to fix our shower and didn't want to go back to the hardware store so he told me to go or I could fix it myself. So, naturally I went because I knew if I didnt it would just start another fight. Ended up not having the part he needed, came back with nothing and his response was "I knew I should have just went, you cant do anything on your own!" This kind of stuff happens all the time.

I'm to the point were I just can't take it anymore. I feel horrible about myself, like I don't amount to anything. I'm on antidepressants and they don't help. We aren't married but have just recently bought a house together and now I feel trapped. Please any advice would be great. I feel I keep making one mistake after another and don't know how to get out! His temper is horrible and am not sure what would happen if I tried to get out.

Thanks for reading,
MustangSally

September 22, 2009
3:20 pm
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Yup.

Bitsy

September 22, 2009
3:22 pm
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Anam Cara
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Hi MustangSally ( I Love the name)

Well girl, its like this - I once went through a relationship like yours - she picked and picked nasty issues to really kick ass when she wanted to. As I was the one close I took the punishment.

I expect he makes it up to you when he has broken your spirit - yet of course this is only to set you up again for another time.

If you have a house together is it in both names?

You seem young and want out of this harassment - understandable. Unless you can fight your corner he will make you worse - have you parents to go too where you can recover and think this out?

September 22, 2009
3:55 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello Mustang Sally:

Welcome.

Yes, you are in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Has he ever been physically or sexually abusive to you as well?

Abuse causes a person to doubt him/herself and it is harmful to your health and well being.

Take a look at the resources at http://www.drirene.com and spend some time in the "catbox." You are afraid of his temper and perhaps violence if you try to leave.

Please read about domestic violence, abuse and how to extricate yourself safely. A great book is Why Does HeDo That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Also read The Emotionally Abused Women by Beverly Engel. Both books are probably excerpted online.

You can also read past threads here by searching at the top search box.

Take good care of yourself. You deserve to be treated well ALL the time!

Moon & Stars

September 22, 2009
3:58 pm
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fantas
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Yes it is. Put the house back on the market, take the looses and get the hell outta dodge. It will only get worse. It really doesn't matter why he does it he shouldn't do it, period! If you stay with him, you are giving him permission to abuse you and enabling his criminal behavior. Get out before you add a child to the mix and before he gets physical, and he will.

September 22, 2009
4:11 pm
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Thank you for all the great responses. I'm at work and just spent the last 30min in my co-workers office crying. I know what I want and I know what I need to do I just feel like its too late sometimes.

Anam Cara - Yes both of our names are on the house. I can't afford the place on my own. If I had roommates I would be fine but I don't know if I would qualify on my own to keep my house. Not sure how that works.

September 22, 2009
4:40 pm
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Shonda
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Oh MustangSally,

Subtle put-downs, such as "you can't do anything right" are abuse. Over time, those will destroy your self-esteem. When that's gone it's even harder to muster up what's needed to leave.

"F&*king B^%ch" ??? You know the answer to that. You don't call him that, do you? It's not some little term of endearment between the two of you? Does he talk to his mother like that?

I'm with Fantas. Cut your losses now. Staying could result in worse losses.

September 22, 2009
4:55 pm
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That's where I'm afraid I'm at. I've been on antidepressants since my bestfriend got killed, been to counselling for that..but, still have been manically depressed.

I'm now starting to think it's all because of him. When I'm away from him I'm a totally different person it's like I can be myself. Not having to worry about being judged or worry about coming home later and hear about something I did or didn't do.

Just wish it wasn't so hard to get out of the place I have gotten myself into. I have to find iner-strength somewhere.

September 22, 2009
5:17 pm
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atalose
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Sometimes leaving isn’t the hardest part, it’s the saying it out loud that gives it voice and meaning.

The logistics of leaving can always be worked out. The emotions associated with changing our lives for the better begins with a voice, our voice.

Maybe heading back to counseling, for you and help with moving on and letting go would be in your best interest right now.

Nothing says you have to make a decision today or even tomorrow, building up our strength helps us with the transition.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 22, 2009
5:19 pm
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Many years ago someone wrote in to Dear Abby or Ann or whoever and asked about going back to school at 40. The response was, how old will you be in 20 years if you don't go back to school.

I don't know how old you are now but you have been in this relationship for 12 years without marriage. Where do you want to be in another 12 years? You are still going to be 12 years older with or without him and you just may be happier.

Bitsy

September 22, 2009
10:30 pm
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Worried_Dad
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mustangsally,

That was definitely verbal abuse.

Of course, anyone can "blow up" and say things that we later wish we hadn't.

But if there is a pattern and habit of verbally abusive behavior, and it sounds like there is, then you have a major problem.

I think that EVERYONE can benefit from reading the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It is a very good primer on the dynamics and consequences of domestic violence.

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