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Confused and scared
April 13, 2001
1:27 am
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jodie
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September 24, 2010
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I have decided to put this on here as I need help and cannot afford a councellor at the moment. I have always been dependant on my relationships with men, but always seem to stuff them up with my violent temper. I was sexually abused as a child and I don't know if this is a reaction to that or what. I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I really need help.
A couple of nights ago I once again got violent and my boyfriend left me as he has had enough. We still live together and he is trying to make the break up easy for me by being supportive, but I don't know what to do.
I lost my Grandfather last year who brought me up as his own and was like my father figure (he was NOT the one who abused me), and my boyfriend of 3 years left me the day after the funeral for a girl he had gotten pregnant. I have been an emotional wreck ever since.
Could someone please give me some advice?

April 13, 2001
12:42 pm
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Ladeska
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Jodie....first let me ask you - if you've really had any good therapy/guidance - regarding the sexual abuse?

Basically, what's happening is your body is telling you something very important....that things can't go forward anymore without an explosion because too much stuff is packed down in there and you can't hold anymore in that chamber. You're full. And like any garbage dump that doesn't have proper ventilation to it - at some point - will blow from the toxic fumes. So, all that's happening with you is "this".

Go read "Flashback" here. I could say a ton of things to you, but alot of that is there. The inside you needs some attention....time for some TLC in that dept. Time for you to make a place in your life right now for doing that and giving yourself a safe place to do it in. You really don't need a boyfriend right now. You need "you" being a friend to yourself. It would be helpful if you could reach out to people that are your friends who are stable, insightful, don't want anything from you right now and just genuinely care about you. Even if you just have one of these people - that's good. Seek them out. Leave the other people alone that bring negativity and strife to you. Just close the door on them and say - not now, don't need it.

So, read this other thread and come back with thoughts.... You're not going crazy, btw. Rather normal - what you are going through. And have you talked with any other sexual abuse victims, support groups, friends, etc.?

April 13, 2001
7:55 pm
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grass
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I'm not entirely sure of the words from this song (by Sarah Mclachlan) but when I read your post I thought of different parts of it "wind and tide rapes the flower trembling on the vine, nothing yields to shelter,...will destroy our love, a never-ending heartache... but I fear I have nothing to fear, I fear I have so much to loose".

I'm not sure why this came to my mind, but I can geuss. (think of a flower as a symbol of innocence and a storm as an unwelcomed invader that comes in and destroys, leaving a feeling of no control and no protection)

You say that you were sexually abused as a child and you are not sure if it may be a cause to your violent outbursts towards the men in your life. I think that it is. As a child you were a abused "trembling flower", who should have been protected, but your weren't, you had no "shelter" from from the storms that came in and stripped you of your "petals", (your innocence)..your right to naturally bloom into a beautiful rose was taken away This has left you with your thorns to show (anger)...

anyway what I am saying is that if you have not sufficiently dealt with the loss that you experienced as a child (which was loss of protection, loss of "normal sexuality" etc.) you are natutally going to have anger against the men in your life (was it a man that abused you?) b/c men are supposed to protect and support women from harm... and what happened to you, distorted your view of sexuality and maybe love (especially if the person who did it to you was close) Hence, "destroying our love". something inside of you fear the men you are with, but something inside of you tells you that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I hope I made some sense, b/c I don't want to confuse you more...I may be wrong in all of this, feel free to tell me if I am 🙂

April 14, 2001
12:04 am
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Ladeska
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Grass...that was really beauti-full. (smiles) I really enjoy you here, btw. Thanks for being such a "flower" yourself. Your presence is most lovely. Hope your Easter is a day that is full.

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