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confused and indecisive
December 13, 2000
10:08 pm
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timothy
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I have fallen out of love with my wife over the last couple of years. I told her a few months ago and we went to a counseling session. It didn't help me much. The more I analyze our past the more I think I shouldn't be with her. To make matters worse I have developed serious feelings for someone else. It just sort of happened, I didn't mean to pursue this. To top it off we have a one year old who I adore and can't imagine leaving. I rack my brain but am not able to determine what to do.

December 13, 2000
11:55 pm
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so confused
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I went through something similar 7 years ago. It is not easy. Someone is going to feel hurt. I asked myself this, "do I want to feel like this 10 years from now?" My answer was no. He left, I stayed. We have 2 children that he can see anytime and as often as he wishes. I will always love him, but I fell out of being IN LOVE with him. We have kept things civil...even in the beginning. We are very good friends now and I have no regrets. We just grew apart. Be honest with yourself!

December 14, 2000
9:26 am
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timothy
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Thanks for the advice, the main problem I have is my wife really doesn't want to split up and I want to maintain a friendship with her for my and the baby's sake. How do I deal with the guilt and all the outside pressures of family and friends

December 14, 2000
7:21 pm
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Molly
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I don't think you'll ever deal with the guilt, and that is part of the problem with being at two places at the same time, it can't be done. Check your integrity sir. What did you say at the alter, for better, or until I fall out of lust, love with you??? Marriage is hard, it is boring, it is tedious, it is often hell, but hey, we bought into it. How much of the home work did you do before you said I do? Think about the child, and what you owe him/her. Divorce is something that is not right, just as adultry, it is not easy to justify unless you are truly a sociopath, even if temproarily. Look up the word commitment. Make some lists what you want, what you are missing, what it will take to make it better, then go to counseling. Pick up the book relational rescue, and look at your self as a partner, just what is she getting. Trust me, that some one else is a quick fix that will end, and you will move on to the next quick fix, and the financial loss, and the custody battle, and your child will grow up to know that marriage has no value, and that you can't trust, and that dad, or mom, or both were flakes. Makes you want to go hmmmmmm.Get your act together look at you. It sucks but hey, maybe I am wrong?

December 14, 2000
7:29 pm
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gingerleigh
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You should not feel guilty for how you feel, because you can't control feelings... you just can't let yourself be controlled by your feelings and allow them to dictate your actions.

Why exactly do you feel guilty? Would you feel the same way if you were not in love with someone else?

Did you only go to one counseling session? You may want to considering continuing the series. If all problems could be solved in one hour, people wouldn't be in therapy. You have a child to think of now, and a lot invested in the relationship. Truly consider whether it is worth saving, because it might be. A few additional sessions can't hurt, and it might just bring some facts to light that you hadn't thought of yet.

Speaking from personal experience... I went through the same thing you are right now. I was with a wonderful, sensitive caring man who would do anything for me. I fell out of love, and fell "in love" with someone else who was new, exciting, and alltogether different than my current partner. So I left, and started a full-blown relationship with the new flame. And I got burned.

And again, from personal experience, I found that the intense love you feel for the new person flares and dies quickly as soon as all previous obstacles are removed (i.e. you become single again).

December 14, 2000
9:14 pm
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timothy
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I am trying to figure this out but I have fallen out of love with my wife. I am not in love with the other person and she is not waiting for me to leave my wife. I have been been becoming more self aware and I'm realizing that I don't feel me and my wife are meant to be together, we have not really been together for a long time. I realize I should have given more thought to marrying her and having a child but there was alot of pressure from her and I always kind of gave in because it was easier than dealing with her misery. I have not done anything with this other woman so I am not worried about getting burned, I don't even know if we will get together. The guilt mainly revolves around not giving my child the best possible upbringing. I am trying and want to do what is right for all.

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