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confused about seperation
May 23, 2006
1:41 pm
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lightchaser
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September 24, 2010
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Okay- I have been ouyt of my Alcoholic husbands house for 3 months and still haven't filed for divorce. I turn this whole thing over to a higher power and say, "Show me that path I am meant to take." I still see my husband and he has not nor has he any plans for quiting drinking. He still thinks that I will come home if he does things like fix up the house and get new carpet.
Now, two days ago my highschool sweetheart who I haven't heard from in 20 years e-mails me. This guy I broke up with because he was NICE. I wanted the bad boy, the addicted boy, the wounded soul, instead. So, we have been corresponding for a couple of days. The e-mails are friendly and haven't been romantic . . .yet. They feel like they could get that way. Anyways, I feel guilty like I am cheating even though I am seperated and I havent been romantic with this person. I also think maybe I am pursuing this e-mail thing because it may be my ticket out of a rollercoaster ride I have been taking with my H. Also, it seems pretty safe. e-mail. At what point is it the responsible thing to do to tell my husband about this? I thought if it got romantic or if I were to plan on meeting this person somewhere then I should tell him. If I tell him now I am jumping the gun and making a mountain out of a molehill? right or not?

May 23, 2006
2:10 pm
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mamac
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If your husband is not easy to talk to because of his alcoholism it is natural to need somone to talk to. Maybe you just need somone to confide in and not be given the third degree. If you havent done anything wrong than dont tell him. Let the man that you are talking to know you only want a friend. He needs to know that from the start. If he is the "nice guy" he will understand and respect that. Yes maybe you do need a soft place to fall right now, just be careful not to fall to hard, it could be emotins taking over and not real feelings. Then this gut will just end up getting hurt when you go back to your husband. I am only sating this because I have done it before.

May 23, 2006
2:39 pm
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gingerleigh
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Speaking from experience, I can tell you that email is NOT safe. It opens doors to intimacy that don't open as easily when dealing with someone face to face, and you can fall quickly and hard. Email lets you (and him) backspace over the red flags, and all of a sudden, you're emotionally invested.

My advice? Well, you know that your husband isn't meeting your needs (i.e. getting sober) and if you've made the decision to get out, then go with it. This is a hard thing to do, and having an "email buddy" can help to soften the blow.

Your relationship with your husband should be evaluated completely independently of your budding email romance. However, I recognize, again from hard-earned experience, that this is extremely hard to do in practice. If the email relationship is opening your eyes to see that what you have in your marriage is not meeting your needs, that's great. However, to leap from a marriage straight into a relationship that also brings with it fond youthful memories from 20 years ago may not be the healthiest and most clear-headed thing to do.

Be careful. Above all, take care of yourself.

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