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confused about me and my life
February 21, 2000
1:28 am
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bencaldwll
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hello i was a mentally abused child growing up with my family. i was controlled and constantly yelled out for many insignificant things that i did. i was never talked to by my parents, never given any advice, never was offered any help with my life as a child. still as a college student my parents have expected me to hold down two jobs and attend classes at UGA, which i am not doing very well at. i constantly have flashbacks about anything and over analyze situations. i have been going to therapy to help me learn how to build better relationships and i have made some good progress. still my so called friends often leave me out and i feel like they really do not even want me around them. i am trying very hard to break the evolutionary chain but i am unsure about what i should do now. even when i feel like i am doing good it seems like my friends try to dispute this by not acting to positively towards my actions. this confuses me because i look up to them as the happy go lucky people and they know how to have wonderful relationships with one another. if anybody has some serious advice or response i will be glad to hear hat you have to say, an if ou have any questions please ask because i left out somethings i probably should put in.
ben

February 21, 2000
6:11 am
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hazza
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September 24, 2010
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HI Ben,
I can relate, i had a mentally abusive upbringing and it is very hard to heal sometimes.
But, you can,

I found that things really started to fall into place when i found my own identity, stopped looking to other people for guidence and started to question what i thought was right and wrong. It works, people like to be around people who have an confidence and their own identity, they feel at ease not having to be the one to make all the decisions.

This sounds very harsh and i don;t mean it too, it is just me trying to get across what i mean.

If you stop worrying so much about other peoples opinions

February 21, 2000
7:25 am
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hazza
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Sorry posted too soon,
Anyway as i was saying,
if you stop worrying so much about what other people think and concentrate and ask yourself what you think, then you start to find out who you are, not just who other people want you to be.
It is very common if you have suffered abuse to try to be a "people pleaser" but you need to please yourself first.
Hazza

February 24, 2000
12:25 pm
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lazydazy
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I cant totally relate to these situations. In fact I just posted a thread called, "trying to find my niche", which you might want to read. It's so difficult, you always feel left out, like people dont like you, your always trying to become someone that someone else wants you to be, your constantly confused about who you are and what your doing and where your going, it's like your schizophrenic or something. Your constantly putting yourself down, like your not good enough and feel like everyone else is talking about you. I have been a "people pleaser", all of my life. I feel guilty when someone doesnt like me, I feel guilty when I do anything wrong, I always beat myself up for things I have no control over. I'm trying to be my own person now, but I get mad when I find myself being sugary sweet and agreeing with things that I dont believe in or not standing up for myself. I'm a waitress, and this happens to me alot, I look up to people that are strong and even bitchy at times. I want to be like that because at least they have a back bone.

February 24, 2000
2:51 pm
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winter001
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hiya,
funny i have always been that bitchy strong person, xcept when i rarely let someone in and then i'm just like you guys. don't think life is great if your the leader of the pack, it's all about apearances. Hazza is so right, find yourself, hard as it is don't let other people decide who you should be. Do you guys write Journals? I think that that has been what held me together all my life, because you are constantly denying what you want and feel.- but in the journal you have to write what you think and feel because there isn't anyone else. there is nothing wrong with being nice, i lost count so long ago of the times i was horrible to people because it was "cool" dosn't help your self esteem!- you find a balance i suppose. Ben we are very wrapped up in other peoples behaviour, over anilizing everything they do in an attempt to figure out how we are supposed to feel, and how to get to them. i know the feeling. but your never gonna be anybody's freind untill you can be your own, i only realized that very recently. i've found lately that i'm happier alone than surrounded by people who expect me to behave in a certain way, Broc in one of his posts said "stay away from the crowd" and at this time in your life when you need to "meet Yourself" maybe you should avoid anybody who makes you feel dissatisfied with yoursef, untill you feel confident enough to be unaffected by their opinion,.
take care

February 25, 2000
5:49 pm
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Neelie
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Why not ask your friends what they see when they are with you? Would they be honest? You are just assuming that they don't want you around, arn't you? They would be a great source of information for you. what does you counselor tell you? Have you ever asked him/her? It's a difficult thing to but if ya really really want to know.........
It also sounds like you're letting your friends control you now. True friends are honest with each other and trust each other. Pick the one you trust the most and ask him/her. what have you got to lose?

February 26, 2000
2:18 am
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gladly
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Dear Ben, I had a miserable youth trying to do what you are, pleasing others. I would enact such a performance on a date, that I never wanted to see that person again! I was exhausted. STOP! If they don't want to be with the real you, they are not friend material. Don't look to others to give you permission to be pleased with your choices. You sound young, time will help. In the meantime, do something with your time that is meaningful, productive and absorbing, and others will see your passion! When you least expect it, you will glance up from your intense passion, and find a pair of eyes glowing with appreciation. I completely understand the lack of support from your parents, and how crippling it feels. Although I was quite good in school, my parents never even mentioned me going to college. I had no idea how people were chosen to go, I thought the colleges must tap you on the shoulder, "Hey, You're IN". My advice on that is to speak about it with a counselor, not your friends or girlfriends, then acknowledge, and move on. You cannot change the past, but you certaintly do not need to be ruled by it.

February 26, 2000
7:46 pm
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janes
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I remember those years feeling like I just couldn't find anyone who liked ME.
I became quite introspective...and found the real me. There will be, esp. in crazy places like college, those friends who really aren't griends. I tell my kids that most people we meet remain acuaintances and usually our truly dear friends can be counted on one hand.

Immerese yourself in your studies. god to the campus counseling center and if you have to try each counselor until you find one you can work with. Join Al-anon or A.C.O.A. --Some group that will help you seek yourself..and be nonjudgmental.

Therapy doesn't have to cost much at all. There are lots of caring people around...ya just gotta find them.

And you have to find you...read, write a journal, find a group, find yourself,

Good luck

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