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Confused about everything
July 3, 2007
10:18 pm
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sweetness3
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I went to counseling after I filed for divorce on my alcoholic husband. He decided to get help, which he did and has been doing great since Feb. He convinced me to call off the divorce, which I am now regretting because I think he is still very dependent on me for a lot of things. I just feel very strange and out of sorts, I can't even describe it, like I'm still trying to break free. He has become so attentive to my needs sexually and daily( why couldn't he have been like this before)There were a few months there where I hated him, and he begged for another chance. Once I got to the point where I didn't hate him, I figured why not give him a chance. But thru all the great sex and fun family time with our kids, I still don't love him again and fear that I never will. I stayed this long for the kids, but I know that is wrong.He thinks things are wonderful. Only I know they're not. I've made a real mess. He is still controlling and claims he's not.what now?

July 3, 2007
10:37 pm
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Lisa Ann
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That is definitely a tough situation to be in, which I'm sure you don't want to hear. I really feel for you. I think I understand your pain a bit. I was married to an alcoholic for a while and it was miserable. I learned to hate him at times, but I couldn't seem to let go. So, things got miserable for me. He believed they were okay though, but he couldn't see inside me and feel what I was feeling. Is your husband still drinking?

I think that you are not being fair to yourself by staying in a relationship where you are not in love. Have you tried counseling together? Maybe that would help identify some of the issues causing you to feel the way you do. It seems to help having someone else point out certain things.

I definitely feel for you and hope you get the help you need to break free from the relationship or find the love that you once had. You might try reading Codependent No More - I just finished it and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I can't believe how well I could relate to that book. Have you read it? I would highly recommend that you do.

Best of luck to you - you are in my prayers!

July 4, 2007
7:09 am
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sad sack
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Dear Sweetness,

I related to your thread as I went through a similar experience. My exbf was not an alcoholic, but we were in a very toxic relationship nevertheless. I finally got the courage to ask him to leave and he pleaded and begged for me to change my mind. He, too, poured on the charm and was behaving extraordinarily nice. I backed down and allowed him to stay. This proved to be the biggest mistake of my life, because, once he felt comfortable and safely situated back in the relationship, he went back to his old ways. I then asked him to leave again and he refused. He turned vicious (only in front of me) and made threats left and right if I were to force him to leave. It was a nightmare that went on for several years. Finally, he met someone else and she wanted to get married immediately (thankfully). If not for that woman, he would still be here tormenting me.

You need to stick to your guns and break free from this man. Don't make the mistake that I made. I am so regretful that I wasted so many years with this man. YOu said you took him back because you realized that you did not hate him. Is that enough of a reason to take someone back? Oh, and to stay for the sake of the children will backfire like it did me. My son now blames me for the breakup.

You still have a chance to do things right. Get counseling if you feel the breakup will be messy. But it doesn't have to be. Hopefully, your husband will put the needs of the children first and act in a mature and responsible manner (unlike my ex). He could still be there for the kids. You just have to think of yourself. YOu sound as miserable as I was. This is your one life. Is this how you want to spend it? You deserve some happiness in your life.

Perhaps, I read you wrong and you want to remain in the relationship. If that is the case, then go for counseling (individually and joint). Maybe, after that experience you may be able to see things more clearly.

Whatever, you decide, we will be here to support you. I feel for you though. With the exception of the involvement of alcohol, I could have been written the same thread. Thank God I have moved on from that and I hope that you will (in your own way) move on also.

Sad

July 4, 2007
10:12 am
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sweetness3
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Thank you so much. Sometimes you just need to know that you are allowed to feel what you feel. I know why I cant love him. While we were separated I ran into an old bf that I always regretted leaving. I pretty sure I have fallen for him. But he keeps his distance now even though he isnt involved with anyone, he thinks I need to take care of this first and I'm sure he doesnt want to be hurt by me again. As Ive said Ive made a real mess of things. One good thing that I did do was reactivate myself as a college student to finish my degree. I'm very happy about that. I have been to conseling but I don't feel like it did me any good, Ive always tried to work thru things myself and my sounding board was always my best friend but my husband doesnt really care for her. He scared away all my other friends so I am rebuilding that part of my life now.

July 5, 2007
11:32 am
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risingfromtheashes
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sweetness - do you think this "old love" made you not want to try with your husband, knowing you have someone new waiting in the wings?

No matter what you choose to do, I STRONGLY suggest getting counseling - at least for yourself - if not for the marriage. And don't date anyone for one full year after your divorce is FINAL.

Read the book Mars and Venus starting over...it's a good book about how to recover after a divorce and it describes the dynamics of dating again after a divorce.

This old flame would be bound to be a rebound and a high risk of failing.

And if you have kids - it would put them thru alot if you started dating right after the divorce, only to have that fail to.

I'd like to see you succeed.

Now - as far as not loving your husband...it is entirely possible you don't. Maybe now that the dynamics have changed, it's not longer something you want to be involved in, which is fine. But maybe before you decide, you should consider counseling to sort out your own feelings.

July 6, 2007
10:17 pm
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sweetness3
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I tried counseling and I feel like it didnt do anything. I started the divorce thing before I ran into the old bf. The divorce came about from his drinking, abuse mental mostly, some physical. Once he found out he was going to lose me then he became a saint with everyone, sometimes it makes me want to gag, everyone kisses his rearend like he's wonderful. I dont know if I fit the definition of a codependant. anymore I really dont want to do anything for him, and sometimes I feel like I'm being forced to do things or told that Im not allowed. Silly things like take a shower before I go to bed when I might want one when I get up so I do both. It's not acceptable for me to go for a drink with my girlfriend. I think he is very insecure and clings to me at every opportunity. thanks again for all the support.

July 7, 2007
8:16 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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you may need a different counselor or some type of support group.

in the meantime, sounds like you may need to continue to finalize things with your husband and the divorce.

but I caution you from jumping into something with the ex...only because you need time to "heal" and get your head on straight. Otherwise you may end up in another mess, that right now, you can't see or imagine.

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