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Confronting My Codependency for the First Time
September 9, 2006
9:40 am
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GHIA
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For the first time I have admitted to myself that I have some deeply rooted codependency issues that have been causing me a lot of pain for many years. Most recently in this last relationship. I have been seeing my for a little over a year give or take the weeks that she disappeared on me). My partner has some issues of her own and three months in she left me and said she had to take care of herself which left me devastated and emotionally distraught. For 2-3 months I was in agony thinking and feeling like I was going to die. Then once I started to feel better here she comes back into my life and of course I let her in willingly because I truly believe that I love this woman. However 4 or 5 months in she wants out again. At first I cry, I beg, I plead,(all through voice mail because she never answers my calls when she leaves me which makes me crazy) I threaten her that she will not be able to come back, I stalk - all of this to no avail. Then I let her know through a voice mail that I will be waiting for her with open arms, basically saying take care of yourself and you can come back to me whenever you want. Of course she came back a few weeks later and of course I am in agony again. But the truth of the matter is I have always felt this agony, this gut-wrenching feeling, like I am dying when a relationship ends or I think it is ending. Even when I have been in relationships with people I knew did'nt care about me, even if I did'nt like them. Like I said earlier this last relationship- I feel like I truly love this woman, unlike ever before, I have felt loved and cared for like no other. I believe that she is that once in a lifetime love of my life and because of that - the thought of her being gone is killing me. Emotionally and spiritually. I know I have to get some help - I am afraid to go to my first CODA meeting. I think and feel I need someone to go with me. I asked my girlfriend to go with me because I think that she has some codependency issues too because she says that she can't take care of herself and be in a relationship too. She said she doesn't think its a good idea.
Even if no one goes with me, I know I have to go because this pain has got to stop for me. If she never comes back- I want to be able to live and be happy and be alright. Right now I am not.

September 9, 2006
10:07 am
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CAMER
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hi ((ghia)) you made a first step in posting here, that is good, and you are even considering a Coda meeting, that is great.

I remember my 1st meeting, i was scared, nervous, didn't know what to expect, BUT when i went to the meeting there were men & women of all different ages, welcoming me with open arms and being so friendly and caring, they all are codependent just like me, and after that 1st meeting I went back for more, and kept going & going. I know the 1st time is always scary, but give it a chance and you can see how much others can help you as you help them too.

With your g/friend, sounds like maybe she is right with not wanting a relationship until she betters herself, is good thinking, but going into your life then leaving and coming back isn't helping you and your heart.

Why not take this time to be with yourself and do some good reading on Codependency & attend meetings and post here and work on the wonderful you for a bit!!! Remember, you are worth it!!

((camer))

September 9, 2006
11:29 am
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gracenotes
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ghia,

Great advice from Camer. This on again, off again pattern is certainly making things more painful. It also sounds like you might benefit from reading about love addiction. Sometimes that can be a layer of problems over the co-dependency problems. You might identify with the patterns talked about in this book.

It really sounds like you are making g/f your higher power and yet g/f seems to be the advoidant kind of person. There's a wonderful book on the topic of love addiction by Pia Mellody called Facing Love Addiction.

I've been there for much of my life. I am free of this and all my relationships are so much more healthy. I just couldn't imagine going back to that pain and craving. There is help and its great that you are here. Keep posting.

September 10, 2006
11:24 am
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Robert123
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Codependency is a real problem for many, many, people. There is incredible, and much of it unnecessary, suffering because of this disorder. Getting into a Coda recovery group and doing the emotional work required has worked for me. I now realize many of my childhood issues were still influencing the adult I am today. So many of my interactions and decisions were based on what my feelings were telling me at that moment. For me today, there needs to be a balance, feel the feelings and accept them, then deciding what i need to do to take care of myself. There is no quick fix, magic potion to recovery. Its in the trenches with mud in your eye stuff, routine, day-to-day decision making (sometimes hourly) placing one wobbly foot in front of the other.

September 10, 2006
1:06 pm
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Espoir
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I went to my first Coda meeting last week, and it was nothing like I had imagined, but what I know is, I left it feeling so much better than before, and I know I'm going back!
You can do it Ghia! :))

January 13, 2007
9:56 pm
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freshstart
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I have known for a long time that I am codependent, but have never sought help or even really acknowledged the hold it has had on my life. I was/am in a relationship with an addict. He is a former crack addict he is an alcoholic and he will get high on just about anything available. He was clean for two years and that is when I met him. Several months ago he introduced me to crack, something I never imagined myself doing. Now I have done it about 6 times but am not necessarily addicted to it. He doesn't drink everyday but when he does it to the extreme and he is both verbally and physically abusive. An event happened recently that pushed me over the edge and I ended up in a mental treatment facility for nine days. I have spent the past year worrying myself sick about his drinking. I have lost so much weight, had to quit my job, and am on 5 different medications and see a therapist once a week. He has made a vow to stay sober and has been for the past week. He is so sorry for what has happened and wants to make a new start. I love him-I don't want to be without him, but I don't trust him and I feel guilty about that. I know he wants to live differently but much of the pain is still fresh. Oh and did I mention that my dad was a physically abusive alcoholic father. It's like reliving my childhood. Help me.

January 13, 2007
10:40 pm
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dustpuff
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you have come to the right place. There is no easy way to say this and you might not be ready to hear it. You need to let go of this man for yourself. I was with an addict for 8 years and went to the mental hospital 4 times. I got into drugs myself, popping pills, smoking pot. I was not the person I was suppose to be. I spent years lying in my bed wondering why I wasn't enough for this man. Why he couldn't give up the drugs for me. Why he didn't love me. The truth is he loves nothing more than the drugs. This relationship is going to kill you. Not literally, although mine almost did but emotionally and mentally it will. THere is no easy way out of it. You will feel like your life is ending. Like it has no meaning. Like you will never get out of the darkness. It is very, very difficult. It is one of the hardest things that you will go through in your life. This man will continue to suck you dry if you let him. He will take everything that you have and leave you with nothing. He will make a million promises. I have yet to see a addict that keeps them. I wouldn't trust him being clean until he has been clean for a year. Even then he has shown he has the potential to relapse. I know it is hard. I am living through it right now. The only thing you can do is run and run hard. Don't look back. Then keep on running. I can't express enough to you how hard this is going to be. How it will tear your heart and your guts out. It will feel like you are dying a slow death. You'll want to die. Read many posts on this site. There are so many of us here who's flames are being extinguished by the wrath of drug addiction. He is going to tell you all kinds of loving things. He will pour on the charm. He will make promise after promise. I can't tell you enough that you will not survive this without a deep and painful scars. You sound like you already have some. Don't keep opening them up like this. I am sorry that I have been so brutal but I hate seeing someone hurt like this.

January 14, 2007
1:05 pm
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truthBtold
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Cut you losses FreshStart NOW - before this relationship sucks you completely dry!

You sound like you are well on your way to doing this...just need the validation. Yes, it is OK to make a "fresh start."

No surprise that this man's traits mirror your dad's. We are attracted to what we know and what feels familiar....no matter how harmful.

It's just a natural thing that most of us do.....try to come to some sort of FINAL peace, conclusion, resolution of "left-over" childhood dynamics with people in out current lives.

The thing is...to realize that your childhood problems are NOT going to be solved by other people in your adult life....because everyone has baggage of one sort or another.

Relationships should feel safe all the way around. If they don't then I say...cut your losses and learn what you can from them and then - move on.

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