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Confronting My Abuser
November 19, 1999
3:30 pm
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mnms
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Some people think that on Thanksgiving Day you have to be with your family... no matter what. My family happens to agree with that tradition. I, on the other hand... have a bit of a problem with it. It's hard to have a desire to be with your family when your family has been and still is a painful part of your life. From the age of 11 till the age of 17, my father and my older brother sexually and physically abused me. It took me running away to stop the abuse. Now, I'm in college at the age of 18 and I have yet to truly confront my father or brother.
This Thanksgiving, that's what I will be doing. Because I'm tired of trying to pretend that nothing ever happened. I'm tired of having so many things to say that I've never said. I don't want to find out one day that my family members are dead, and I am left wondering what would have happened if I had ever TALKED to them.
I'm scared. I wonder if I have the strength to do this. If I have the strength to stand firm in everything I say. If I have the emotional strength to handle their reactions.
But it doesn't matter to me whether I do have what it takes or not... because I have to do this, and nothing will stop me.

November 19, 1999
5:11 pm
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Anonymous
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You are right, untill you confront your original abusor, the anger, the pain, the fear will stay with you forever and infiltrate all your relationships afterwards and will bring more of the same relationships (abusive) to you.
This is a way of taking back your power and changing and healing. You are brave. The best way to do it if you feel their emotional reactions will hurt you further, is in a letter girl....but either way do it. I am rooting for you. I am also doing the same thing at this time.

November 20, 1999
1:10 am
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EssEmm
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Mnms, I can't imagine what you must feel right now. I have never been in a situation like yours but I feel that tears is absolutely right. You will have to eventually confront your abusers for the healing process to be complete. I also think that it would help you to talk to a counselor if you haven't already. Most colleges offer free or very inexpensive counseling through their health centers. I would encourage you to take advantage of this service if you haven't already. It may help you to deal more effectively with the abuse that you have suffered. I wish you all the best and please let us know how everything goes.

November 25, 1999
8:38 am
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Brittainy
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Dear Mnms, I really admire your courage to confront your abuser it must be very hard for you. I wish I had the courage to confront people in life who have abused me, but I'm not ready yet. You are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you. You sound a great person. Please let me know how you get on. Thinking of you.

November 25, 1999
12:55 pm
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mnms,

Please,keep us informed...do you have a pencil? Write these two numbers down for extra support/guidance/advice if you need:

Boys Town Suicide and Crisis Line: 800-448-3000
Provides short-term crisis intervention and counseling and referrals to local community resources. Counsels on
parent-child conflicts, marital and family issues, suicide, pregnancy, runaway youth, physical and sexual abuse, and other
issues. Operates 24 hours, seven days a week.

Covenant House Hotline: 800-999-9999
Crisis line for youth, teens, and families. Gives callers locally based referrals throughout the United States. Provides help
for youth and parents regarding drugs, abuse, homelessness, runaway children, and message relays. Operates 24 hours,
seven days a week.

- SC

November 25, 1999
1:57 pm
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lost soul
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to me confronting to my abuser is like " throw up some of my blood" from me.
I rather save these blood for my own sake!!!

November 27, 1999
12:57 pm
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mnms,

If you're out there...please keep us posted!

- SC

November 27, 1999
4:13 pm
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zoneless
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Confronting an abuser is a hard thing to do but it is the only way to move on. Please let us know how it went because I need to do the same thing.

November 27, 1999
8:34 pm
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DearMmns,
I understand like many of the others at this site abuse is hard to take and harder to overcome. It is very impotant that you confront your "abusers". I know I have yet to do that and it eats at me. It sounds as if you are ready to do a couragous thing. I pray that it can help you heal and your family. Good for you!

November 30, 1999
2:22 pm
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mnms
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Well everyone... I did it. Boy, was it hard. But I did confront my abuser. And you know what? I survived!!!

Last Saturday I made it to my parents' house and all the immediate members of my family had a really long talk about a lot of things. I explained to them what I knew to have happened when I had been younger and how it affects me now. I was very honest with them in sharing how much pain it had caused me. I think the most important thing that I shared with them was WHAT I WANTED. Primarily, I wanted them each in individual counseling. I also wanted them to admit to their wrong-doings... but I didn't expect that they would.
I Praise God that they agreed to counseling.

I did learn a lot about myself. I learned that I was strong enough to listen to their side of the story and realize how twisted their thinking was. I learned that I could take a stand for myself and not allow anyone to disrespect me. I learned that I could calmly sit and listen to my father (who sexually abused me) yell at me that I was a liar and that I was a crazy person without believing him; morever, I could stand up to him and tell him "STOP! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS!" It's amazing how powerful I felt at that moment.

I'm not saying it wasn't hard to confront my family. It took 5 days of energy to do it, and I'm still trying to recover. I do know that God helped me through it. And that a year ago I would not have been able to do it. I think that you have to be ready if you are going to confront such an issue. You need to have plenty of support. You need to believe in yourself and know in your heart that what you believe is what happened and that it doesn't matter what your abuser or anyone else says.

You'll have doubts. You'll feel angry. You'll feel hurt. But it's amazing what it can do for you.
I'm just now starting to feel such a sense of RELEASE.
I think someone here wrote that now is the time to move on for me. I've done what I can. I can't change the past and I can't change anyone else but myself.

The future is awaiting me, and for the first time in a while I'm looking at it like it is real.

Praise the Lord.

November 30, 1999
3:27 pm
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Wow...Mnms...here is to you and the future...I do believe that you are well on your way...I am very happy for you and glad you shared.

Isn't God great!

November 30, 1999
9:23 pm
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EssEmm
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mnms.. Congradulations!!! I am so happy for you!! It took a lot of strength to do what you did. You got them to agree to counseling too? Good work!! I hope that in time, your father and brother will come to accept responsibility for what they've done. Also, thank you so much for coming back and telling us how it went. I wish you the best of luck. We're all pulling for you here!!

December 3, 1999
10:47 am
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Brittainy
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Hi mnms congratulations and well done. I think you are very brave and I hope that one day I will find the strength to confront my abuser. I really admire you. I hope your future will be happy. Again, well done.

December 6, 1999
7:56 am
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hey mnms,
well done, it took great courage to do what you did.
You have shown your family that you will be loyal to the truth and they can follow you and heal if they like or they can stay behind in denial, either way you are living your life for you.
I hope they get on the healing train too, maybe they wont and maybe they will try to beat you down for what you have said and try to deny what happened. Either way, you have stood up to them, you can move on and you have been an insperation to others. You have not only made a stand for you but for all abused people. Each time any of us stands up and refuses to feel the fear of abuse we take away its power and motivate others to not accept abuse in their lives.
WELL DONE
Peace to you
Hazza

December 8, 1999
1:01 pm
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daizy
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WOW! You did it! You really did it, as hard at it was....you stood up to him and confronted him and even if you were scared, I bet it felt damm good!
Someday I wish my husband could do this, but no pressure on my side.
I wonder if you realize how much influence you've had on every person who reads your posts.
You know what, I don't even know you and yet reading your posts...well...I felt so proud of you, this energy came over me just from reading about your story and confrontation.

*shouting to the world* I'm so proud of you!!!

December 8, 1999
1:32 pm
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mnms
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Thanks daizy. It's hard to accept what you and others have said, though. I do not feel as if I have accomplished much. I know that I have, it just doesn't feel that way. I still struggle with so much. If you had read my "suicide" post perhaps you might have noticed. I don't mean to sound negative and I'm not trying to tell anyone that there isn't hope or that confronting your abuser isn't a good idea... I'm just trying to say that there are still struggles. I'm proof of that.

December 8, 1999
2:36 pm
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daizy
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I can understand that feeling. Your probably sitting there wondering what good confronting them may have done. What about the rest of the family, what do they say and think now that you've let your feelings out? Do they stand behind you or are they scared to get in the middle...even though they really are already involved.
I posted a new thread and I was wondering if maybe you couldn't help? I must say that for your age and recognizing all of this, well it's a great leap you've made and a good one at that. Most people don't even realize or try to do anything until they are older. I have a sis-in-law who I think may have been sexualy abused by their father, but how to prove it or get her to tell more is most difficult and maybe I'm going in the wrong direction in trying to help her. Maybe you could help me to figure things out and how to help this family get past the secrets and get help. My most recent thread is called daizy's back...if you would like to read.
I'm going to go back and read your post....then I'll be back.

December 8, 1999
2:43 pm
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I can relate to your thoughts of wanting it to end, taking the easy way out. I've been there myself. When you feel like this, have you ever called a crisis hotline...sometimes it helps to hear a reashuring voice on the other end of the line..and sometimes they have been where you and I have been before.
So you've confronted the family and now your just wondering....what next? hhhmm, well thats tough to say and it's all up to you. You can't change what happened to you, but you can change things for yourself now and I also believe that you can help others in situations like yourself (all in time).
I don't recall if you said you were seeing a counselor or in a support group, but it's a thought if your not already doing so.

December 8, 1999
4:45 pm
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mnms
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I AM in counseling. I am seeing a very good therapist, actually. If it were not for her, I would be in a totally different spot right now.
I've never called a hotline when I've been suicidal. I used to call friends, but I don't anymore. I even made a promise to my therapist that I would call her if I ever got in that position, but any time that I have... I just don't have the courage to pick of the phone and call ANYONE. Luckily, I have had the inner strength to talk myself out of doing anything fatal.
Hopefully that will continue. I'm going to go read your post...

December 8, 1999
4:58 pm
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mnms
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My family's response....

Two weeks ago when I confronted my father and my brother about abusing me, the only other person present was my mother. For a long time, my whole immediate family has known my feelings about them and the accusations I have made against them. When I finally confronted them on it, it wasn't that I was sharing any new or astonishing information, I was just giving details and an "official statement." Afterwards, my mother continued to try and convince me that I was dillusional and COMPLETELY WRONG. My father has agreed to go into counseling to please me, I'm guessing he's doing it just to keep my quiet.
My brother is silent on the entire issue, and he's doing everything he can to be on my good side by doing favors for me.
Basically, my family is refusing to take responsibility (still) so it's all on my shoulders. That's all I feel like writing about for now...
mnms

December 8, 1999
6:23 pm
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denying and not taking responsibility for the abuse against you is very common and very cruel, it basically continues to perpetuate the abuse, IF YOU LET IT. You need to no longer be a victim with your family and let them know that you are a strong, adult female who is developing strong boundaries and self esteem. It is important to accept that your father and brother and mother may NEVER change and to learn to accept this. It is good that you have confronted them, but now it is important to protect yourself from further emotional harm from them buy staying firm and controlled in your emotions. I believe what happened to you is true and real.It is not as important as you think that they admit this, it is important that you understand YOUR FEELINGS are real and that you are not responsible for their illness perpetrated against you.
It is important that you keep your children(if you have any) away from them, or atleast do not leave them alone with them. god bless

December 11, 1999
12:36 pm
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mnms
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see this is the problem....
I do not know how to protect myself. According to my therapist my family is still emotionally abusing me and will probably continue to do so; really the only way to keep this from happening is to stop contact with them, but I can't do that. I'm only 18 years old. My parents pay for my tuition, they love me, my mom needs me... she would kill herself if I didn't want her in my life. I know that I am important, but I just have to protect my mom even if it means I get hurt. AAAAAH!

December 11, 1999
7:34 pm
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Angelwings
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I understand mnms, try to limit contact so that you can have some space to heal and find your OWN identity. I know how difficult it is to stop taking care of your mom, even if it means you getting hurt over and over.
I used to be there too. Right now you need to find out who you are in this world, your strengths, weaknesses, desires and dreams. It sounds like there is some enmeshment issues with you and your mom and this is stopping you from evolving as an adult...
listen to your therapist and put some space between you and your family while you take time to nurture yourself and grow in self esteem. If they really love you they will understand this.

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