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confronting "Daddy" may break Mom's heart! HELP~
May 30, 2006
11:47 am
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I C Gold
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I have reached a point in my therapy where my Dr thinks I should confront my father about his abuse of me. I can't do it in person because if he had the nerve to deny it happened, I'd flip out and probably want to kill him..Yeah, I still have a bit to work on with my anger~ Anyway, as most incest people know, we've spent our entire lives taking care of others and keeping secrets. Confronting my dad isn't the issue, it's what it may due to my Mama that scares me. She's not in good health and swims BIG TIME in the river denial...She was told back in 1994 about what he did but doesn't want to talk or admit anything. She buries her head in ALL matters that are uncomfortable. for example, she tries to justify keeping secrets from my dad as "not wanting to bother him or put up with his fussing". I'm not angry at her for not protecting me, I truly believe she didn't know or couldn't do anything. She's mild mannered and my dad is a overbearing horse's ass. So she just pretends nothing is going on and that's starting to piss me off more than anything.
SHit happens and you HAVE to deal with what life gives you. Her "dealing" is to be sad or passive and just not talk about it until it goes away. She's not in good health and since I'm not going to do this person, I want to write a letter. Should I hit both of them with both barrels? I can't do the song and dance routine anymore and if it means that I can't see them anymore, then that's just what has to happen~ I refuse to walk around the elephant in the living room anymore. Mama has spent years secretly giving me money, helping me with my divorces, car notes, just whatever and sometimes I feel it's because she DID know back then and couldn't do anything so she's felt guiltly all these years and does this as "payback". I just HATE her weakness, not dealing with a problem is NOT A WAY OF DEALING WITH A PROBLEM~
The more I think on it, the more angry I get at her...WHY??
I understand that "loss of control" is a big issue with incest victims, and also a show of weakness so maybe that's why it's making me so angry. Instead of flight or fight, I just want to FIGHT. Too many years of fighting to survive I guess. Dad molested me from about 7-16 years of age.
I don't know how to start the letter. Knowing I may be ending this relationship with my parents is scary, I'm an only child, have no real close friends and an X who is in the middle of leaving his wife(the one he left me for) to come back home to me. So he isn't emotionally able to support me right now,my therapist thinks I'm able to do this but I don't know.
Let me know what you guys think~
Thanks

May 30, 2006
12:07 pm
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revelation
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I C...wow I really admire your strength, and the way you have been so patient and forgiving with your mother. I HAVE to say, that when I read your thread it left me angry with her. There are SO many people in the world just like her (My ex's mommy is the same) and to be honest, I think they are just as much to blame for the problems as the abuser. People who live in denial think they are not hurting anyone, but they ARE, its so hurtful for the victims...I'm sorry I C, but this woman is a MOTHER...she needs to wake up now and face up to her responsibilities, finally. You CANNOT wrap this woman up in cotton-wool any longer, she needs to get with the real world. Don't blame yourself and don't make yourself feel guilty about any of your feelings about this. You were terribly hurt as a child, if she didn't know what was going on...then shame on her, she should have been more vigilant, if she couldn't help what was going on shame on her too...we are talking about her child here...YOU!! I don't have children, I've lost two...but I can tell you now, when I do have kids, I would walk a mountain of hot coals to swim in a sea of boiling oil rather than let anyone and I mean ANYONE even the man that I love, hurt them.

Good luck, I really admire your strength.

Rev.

May 30, 2006
3:39 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Do you think that you may be angry because you thikn that she may have known? Because if that is the case, your anger could be similar to mine, as to why? It wasn't then that she couldn't protect you it is that she didn't. If you read my diary, diary of Scared in libs, I think that you will understand where I am coming from. I hate my mother because of what she let happen to me. Trust me, I do. But, go back to the first post if you decide to read it.

Scared

May 31, 2006
6:17 pm
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I think I may be feeling angry because I WANTED her to know and make him quit but it didn't happen. Of course I don' blame me for not telling, that's one of the abuser's best weapons. SHH don't tell Mommy or she'll be sad~
I am seriously about to just lose it right now. I have SO much going on in dealing with this AND my X wanting to get back together and is moving our 8 year old daughter back in, he'll follow shortly. My dog and fish died, the Govt is giving me TONS of paperwork for house repairs, it's been 8 months since I've even lived at home! TOO TOO MUCH
Thank goodness I know and strongly believe God doesn't give me more than I can stand but DAMN~

May 31, 2006
10:00 pm
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jastypes
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All I can tell you is that I confronted my father this year. I had a telephone conversation with him, and it wasn't mentioned. The next day, I e-mailed him. I asked him if he remembered doing it. I told him it affected my whole life, and he owed me an apology. To his credit, he wrote back immediately. He said he did remember, he didn't know what motivated him, and he was very, very sorry for causing me a lifelong harm.

My mother does not know. I didn't think she needed to. Aside from that, I have issues where I have always protected my father from my mother's anger. But that's another story.

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