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Confronted
November 16, 2005
7:17 pm
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elizabeth anne
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My ex could never stand confrontation. So whenever we broke up it would be by e-mail, voicemail. Well this last time he had packed up my belongings, perhaps hoping I wasn/t going to be home and I happen to be walking down the street when he drove by. He actually confronted me. He knows how in love I was with him and he is not in the same place. When he saw the hurt in my eyes, he physically had to look away. For once maybe he could see the pain for the first time of what he had done to me.

Stringing me along, always telling me I was the one, when he had another woman on the side. I can only hope his fantasied love has made him realize you don/t play games with someone else/s emotions.

Although I still am obsessive, We have had no contact for 10 days. I still drive by the office, just to know he is there. I am going to try like H LL to not do it tomorro.

He has had no contact with OW for 6 weeks and he has never really been alone. Perhaps this time alone he will figure himself out. But in the meantime next time we talk, I am letting him know I need to move on. I can/t take the rollercoaster ride anymore. I want for me now. So I am thinking for just today. Do not want to think about the past or the future. Just being able to get thru today.

Needed to vent and I don/t know if this makes sense to anyone, but this is one of the hardest times to get thru. If I really look at it logically, I know even if he wants me back and tells me everything I want to hear. Will he have really changed or will he leave me once again by being smothered, trapped whatever. I deserve to have someone love me the same way I love them. But why is it so hard to let go with the one you thought was it. So Sad!!

November 16, 2005
7:41 pm
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turnabout
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hey el anne,

my ex can't do confrontation either. i've tried approaching him many times in many different ways trying to reach a peaceful common ground or conclusion to our relationship, even trying an abjectly UNconfrontational approach. he can't handle any of it. know why? he's afraid of himself. afraid of being weak deep down and of having that weakness revealed. i'm saying that this little thing is actually a big thing. and i'm just relating. breakups suck. and, sadly, we can't love them enough to make it any better.

Turn

November 16, 2005
8:10 pm
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elizabeth anne
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I realized he was even more co-dependent I was. The OW is abusive, manipulating and very needy, she is "trailer trash", always getting arrested and pleading to him for help always had some kind of hold on him. Perhaps his upbringing being abusive.

When we first went into this relationship I was healthy, loving, kind and had no idea what co-dependicy was.

I am totally opposite the OW. I loved unconditionally, but realized I needed him to fulfill my life. Having then recognized I too was co-dependant in a different way.

He describes the OW as a bizzare love that alienates his friends, constant fear and being hostage. So how can he want that relationship back????

Will he ever realize what a healthy relationship is???? Very difficult to understand. He is a very smart man that has made a good living for himself. I hope one day he figures it out.

November 16, 2005
9:26 pm
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turnabout
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I don't know what his deal is, liz anne. My ex left me for someone else. I now realize that he didn't really leave me FOR her, but was seeking an escape from himself. Our relationship had become emotionally very intense, and I now feel that the intensity scared him. He was always afraid that he wasn't good enough for me, couldn't measure up to my expectations (which were mostly made up in his own mind), and as feelings grew, the stakes got higher. Failure (of the relationship) would cost a lot more in emotional pain, so he bolted before that inevitable (he believed) failure. And, believe it or not, that leads back to his fear of confrontation...

for he was afraid of confronting his own insecurities and fears.

So, he's now with a woman who is very accomodating and very unthreatening. It's a relationship of convenience for him, although he'd never admit it, and she's wearing blinders to it. It's all very sad when you think of it.

So, I'd bet your ex is avoiding confronting his own fears and being with the OW allows him to ignore them. That's mostly based on my experience, but I'll go out on a limb and proclaim it a truth that a person who can't confront others is like that b/c of an inability to confront something in themsselves.

November 16, 2005
10:00 pm
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I hate to intrude, but I just wanted to suggest a book to you guys. It is called "Men who can't love. How to spot a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart"... I read it and it was chilling!!! I read it much, much too late for my own good, as my heart was already broken but it will potentially save me some heartache the next time around because I'll be able to recognize the warning signs.

But, In relation to my last bf... it was DEAD ON!! I was amazed at how frightened of intimacy these men are. It REALLY is a physical reaction they have when they feel things getting too serious. They can't breathe!!! It was fascinating!
The whole fear of confrontation is in there too... I would highly recommend it!!

TC

November 16, 2005
10:17 pm
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turnabout
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tc, you really took the whole commitmentphobic idea and RAN with it, didn't you girl!?? LOL .. I remember that article I recommended to you last spring, and you were still giving to people months later. Now you've been researching it FURTHER!! Wow.

I have to say, I'm a bit phobic about the commitmentphobic movement. LOL... it's probably denial. It just seems soooo ... pervasive! I've already become more of a cynic than I like... I'm afraid that the whole commitmentphobe idea scares me that I could be worse.

But I also think I'm scared that it's such a clinical diagnosis, that it would trivialize ... or just minimize a relationship I deeply valued, and still value what it was.. what it could have been. Even though I KNOW commitmentphobia perfectly describes it, I don't like the way it sounds so reducive of it. But that's just a freely admitted hang up. I also think you're absolutely right.

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