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Confrontations...
August 30, 2005
10:03 am
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gofigure
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I guess I never learned how to talk about anything really difficult. For example, my father committed suicide when I was 7. I found out how he really died (thought it was a car accidient) when I was 13 and it wasn't until I was 18 that my mother found out I knew. So, with a history of denial and lack of communication I now am trying to find the words and the courage to talk to my H about his lies about making the car payment while I was out of town. It's now more than a month late (due to be repossessed the end of next month) and I also found out he never paid the car insurance. I also found out yesterday he is cruising porn on the net again. I have to admit I discovered all this for sure by "looking" for it--reckon I have a trust issue or two:-). I know the snooping is a sign of illness on my part, but I rationalized it to myself by saying I had to make sure my suspicions (of the lies) were true. Maybe I just need to learn to trust my gut--someday maybe. I admit to being ashamed for snooping--despite the fact that I (obviously) can't trust him (rationalizing again!!) Anyway, this is all just an attempt to help me see this all in a more detached way and also find out if anyone has any tips on confronting (maybe that's too strong a word) a person who, when "caught" often reacts in anger and yelling and storming off while I am left trying to comfort 2 little girls who are scared by this sort of thing. In the past I generally let things go in order to keep the peace. But I want to be done compromising myself.

You all are AWESOME and I am learning alot from you---thank you.
~go

August 30, 2005
10:34 am
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Anonymous
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gofigure -

wish I had the answers, instead, will be looking for what other people post too.

I am working on recovering from trust issues. the trust was destroyed and now whenever something crosses my path that makes me suspicious, I get my back up and instead of trusting the answer I get when I try to question it, I worry that I am getting a lie and badger until we fight.

this doesn't happen often, but one particular type of thing triggers it and when I try to question my fears and ask him without being aggressive - but end up aggressive anyway because I end up not wanting to trust what he is telling me - cuz it's like I knew his answer anyway - and want a different one.

there is no reason for me to not trust him now - but the old issues come up every once in a while and they throw me off balance. we keep talking about how it will take time to rebuild it, but in the meantime I feel so scared and fragile some days.

I also understand your rationalizing the snooping - I did it by saying if he had given me the info I asked for ten thousand times, I would not have had to go get it myself. there wasn't anything bad in what I found - but because I found it in "anger", I misinterpreted what I found and when I confronted him with it, already had it in my mind that it was a bigger issue than it really was and would not accept his simple answer, or accept that it didn't appear to be what it looked like. I fight myself daily to not go snooping anymore - the impulse is there and I want to, but know it's wrong.

do you guys share the finances - is the car and insurance in both names? I am with a BF, not a husband, so I would think the car payment and insurance are as much your business as his, where my BF's bills are not my business. as far as the porn, I have mixed feelings - I don't find anything wrong with looking at or watching porn - but realize that if it is an obsession, it is bad - and that there are certainly fine lines that can be crossed. but everyone has a different tolerance and opinion on porn.

August 30, 2005
12:41 pm
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gofigure
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Thanks Ali,
The car is in his name, though I am the one driving it (I think it was bought as an incentive for me to stay and that our partnership is worth saving), the insurance is in both our names. The porn bothers me now only bcause of the way it depicts women and some of the site names are so incredibly derogatory that you know it is meant to show that women are good for only one thing. It used to make me cry, knowing he was looking at all this stuff-my feelings were so hurt. Now though I mostly don't care but for what I mentioned before. I find it repulsive that he has this view and has two daughters.
Yeah, my snooping (and I actually don't do it much, but should do it not at all) is a sickness in and of itself. But, I would have no idea about any of this without it, so for that, for the knowledge of the lies, it is helpful. This way I won't be blindsided when they take the car and I can protect myself and my girls better.

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