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Compulsive disorders and co-dependancy
February 17, 2000
1:50 pm
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twinkie
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I have two friends who have a 'unique' relationship whereby one is certainly co-dependent upon the other, who herself, is a needy but very strong individual. The co-dependent person has an eating disorder.

What i wish to know is whether theft could also be a symptom of co-dependent behaviour perhaps in a way that relates to the defination of 'compulsive' behaviour as laid out on the homepage of this website? (*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.)

Could it also be the case that if the co-dependent person were to commit theft from the other, that they could somehow believe that they deserve what they have taken, and therefore, do not own up to the charge, even if it means loosing the friendship?

I would very much appreciate some feedback on this. I would like to stress that i am not suggesting that a symptom of co-dependency is dis-honesty - i am merely trying to figure out whether someone is genuinely ill or simply a thief?

I thank anyone in advance who takes the time to respond to this query.

February 17, 2000
5:30 pm
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VRJ
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One thing you should recognize is that both people in the relationship are codependent. Otherwise they wouldn't be there.

February 18, 2000
5:33 am
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hazza
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HI Twinkie,
SOmetimes co-dep people can be very self centred and quite dysfunctional, they are often addicts to drugs / alcohol which they used to self medicate to cover the feelings of insecurity that is part of their co-dependency.

It is quite possible for these types to believe they "deserve" what ever they have taken. But only sometimes.

As VRJ said both people are co-dep. They naturally gravitate to each other, but not all co-deps are selfish. Quite often there is one selfish person in the relatioship "the taker" and one person who is the opposite, too kind "the giver" this is what makes them co-dependent

The taker needs someone to soothe them 24/7 and the giver needs to be needed like that giving 24/7

The profile of the taker can often means that they don't seem to have the same moral code as average. They may not believe it is theft at all.

They may beleive, that they are just "borrowing" the item, that they should have the item because they are "owed" or any number of justifications. Sometimes they just think that the world "owes them something" or that they themselves are "too soft" or "everyone else does it, why not me?"

This is just my opinion, but a question to all

DO YOU THINK THAT IN YOUR CO-DEP RELATIONSHIPS, THERE WAS A DEFINITE GIVER AND TAKER?
KT? BROC? others? I am interested to know if this is just me or if you found that their are the 2 types of co-dep?

This is just one possibility of why the person has taken something but there could be many other explanations

Take care all
Hazza

February 18, 2000
3:08 pm
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twinkie
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Dear Hazza,

Thank you for your response. I very much appreciate your description of the taker, in that they may not have the same moral code as someone else, that they feel vindicated that they deserve it, or that they may feel that they have borrowed it. However, i have since found out that the person I am speaking of has had a history of stealing. What i am trying to weigh up is whether their stealing is a symptom of co-dep relationships or whether the co-dep relationships are a symptom of other things ie. which way is the causality? I fear that it is the latter as this person is a very manipulating person.

In answer to your query about their being two types of people in a co-dep relationship:

I think that you are probably right. If, as VRJ told me, both people in the relationship are co-dep people, than there is no way that both can exhibit the same qualities/symptoms in the one relationship ie. they would repel. I do think that one is a giver and one a taker, but both are equally as needy.

Take care

February 18, 2000
6:48 pm
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VRJ
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Hazza,

'Co-dependent'. The word says it all doesn't it?
I don't know if it's true of all codep relationships but yes I was the giver, he was the taker (but he thought he was the giver). Twinkie is right in that both can't be the same.

I also found, and tell me if you agree, that even though we were codep that wasn't what we really wanted at all. Deep down somewhere we knew that we loved the individual in each other. It was only our programmed childhood fears that manipulated our reactions and behaviours. There were healthy people in there trying to get out.

February 21, 2000
5:09 am
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hazza
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VRJ and twinkie,
Yes, V, often the taker does think he is the giver, maybe us givers do more taking than we think too?!

Twinkie, i think you are right, the stealing and the co-dep are both indicators of a deeper trouble. But beware, you can do nothing to help any of these people change, it is only they who can intiate that.

Vrj, I totally agree with you, it is the same for me in my relationship, amid all the insecurities there are defineity 2 healthy people struggleing to be free! and a lot of genuine love. But is can be stranggled by the issues.
Sorry for spelling, i have only just woken up!!!
Take care all
Hazza

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