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completely lost
September 14, 2004
6:15 am
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mrlost
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ok where to start. i have been married to my wife for 6 years. we were together for 2 before that. we had the perfect marriage (or so i thought) till 3 years ago. thats when i came home and caught her in bed with my best friend. (he was living with us because he had no where to go. she convinced me he was the only one and it only happened a few times. i let her convince me it wasnt going to happen again. not even a year later i catch her with someone else. this time she tells me everything. she has cheated with 4 people one of which is my stepdaughters father. who she fights with and says she cant stand. with him she started cheating when we first started dating. so she cheated the whole time we were together. the only reason i tried to make it work was because i didnt want to split up our family. we have 3 kids. 2 are mine and the step daughter. she said she told me everything and that it would stop but i never fully trusted her. i got suspicious and kept checking up on her. things seemed ok for a while. but she wasnt taking care of the house (stay at home mom). now a few months ago i caught her the 3rd time. this time she was leaving the kids with a sitter and once she left them home alone. i have talked with several lawyers and all say she will get custody. primarily because she has been the primary care giver, it would split the kids because the oldest isnt mine and i work 12 hr nights and no chance for days for a few more years. her and the kids moved in with her mom who is an alcoholic. and her sister. sometimes i worry about the kids being there and other times if they are ok with just her. and i dont feel with my skills and my job that i could do it by my self. and i miss the kids being here even though i see them every day. she is acting like she wants to stay together but has'nt said it yet.
on the one hand i want to let her stay but be seperated so the kids can stay here and have a family. and so i can see them every day. and so i know they are being well cared for. and sometimes im scared to be alone.
on the other hand my feelings toward my wife change like the wind. one minute i feel like staying with her is easier than starting over. then i feel used because she cheated the whole time we were together. and im pretty sure she would do it again. other times i feel like she was out to destroy me for no reason. she called me controlling for taking her car keys away for letting the 16yo babysitter take her car to go see friends when i said not to because of insurance. (this was the third time i was trying to get her to understand) and for insisting she clean up after herself and the kids while i was at work.
im so lost in my feelings with her and the kids. its all i think about at work and when im home alone. and my counselor appt is 2 weeks away.

so afer all that typing any advice or opinions would be appreciated. and if i get none oh well. because it made me feel better just to say it all.

September 14, 2004
8:08 am
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Anonymous
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Hi, and welcome!

First of all, I'm pretty sure you can at least get joint custody depends on the laws where you live. I understand your feelings about the children, but if you ask yourself are they really happy and cared for now? Do you think they can't see or feel that everything is not "ok"? Children know so much more than we sometimes give them credit for. Just a thought because so many stay for the kids and remain miserable themselves.It seems to me that the whole marriage has been based on a trail of lies on her part, certainly she has proven that!I personally would feel very betrayed and hurt. I think you need to ask yourself just how much of this am I willing to put up with? How can you ever trust her now? You certainly deserve to be happy and in a respectful, monogamous trusting relationship. Each of us deserves that. You deserve better. Those are my first thoughts and I may think of more, just got up but I wanted to respond and let you know that there are so many here who have either been through what you are dealing with or going thru similar situations, you are not alone! Please keep posting. You will find support and sound advice from all the wonderful people here. Thinking of you...

Sunny

September 14, 2004
8:57 am
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CAMER
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September 30, 2010
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wow, seems like your wife needs alot of help. For her to cheat this many times tell me there is major issues in her life. As for you, could you ever really trust her again???? I myself would have a hard time being with this type of person, she is not faithful, and keeps repeating the same bad pattern. Maybe marriage counseling??? i wish you luck.

camer

September 14, 2004
10:13 am
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rat
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Wow! I agree with Camer that your wife needs a lot of help; there are definitely serious issues here. However, you can't change her, she has to want to get the help for herself and change her behaviors. You have to decide what is best for your kids and for you. Don't go back into this relationship with empty promises and hoping for the best; you've done that too many times already. Something has to change to make the marriage work. Counseling is good, there are 12-step groups for couples too. Good luck!!

September 15, 2004
5:20 am
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mrlost
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with the amazing number of times she cheated. over 8 years (and at one point almost every day for 6 mos) i will never trust her. ehat i was thinking was being seperated but living together. but lately im not sure if it would work. especially scince i found out more today. and she is denying it. and i was given very good proof.

September 15, 2004
5:38 am
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mrlost
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other concerns i was reminded of by posts here are. my wife and kids are staying with her mom who is an alcoholic. and her sister who at 31 has never lived on her own. she hasnt even had a date for 13 years. and my wifes plan is her mom and sister buy our house and they all live here. or possibly just my wife and her sister and the kids. i am not comfortable with the kids around her mom. her sister is maybe more co-dependent than i am. and feels im a bad parent because i let the kids throw their fits in public instead of doing whatever it takes to quiet them up. but i dont know how much control over who she lives with i will have. and those are her only options for being able to pay for the house. and i really think she will need help with the kids till she gets organized. same for me if i was somehow able to get custody. but if i got custody they would be in school all day and with a sitter all night and it would split the sisters up. the only thing me having custody would do is they wouldnt live with an alcoholic and they would have a stable place to live. but with a sitter i dont know if the environment would be better than with her.

i should reply before work then i wouldnt type so much. but all i do the 10 hrs im at work is think. and i only get more confused.

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