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Communication, marriage, and Codependancy
June 18, 2007
3:47 am
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Lonely_n_WA
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I come from a long line of codependants. My mother and her mother were. Now here it is at age 35 after 12 years of marriage that I find myself codependant on my wife. We havent had the greatest marriage. There hasnt been any real communication between us ever. Intimacy was non-existant with us. And as far as our sexlife goes, once every 2-3 weeks was the average. Here it is 13 years later and I've cheated on my wife with someone out here in WA while she's back in AL taking care of my kids.

First let me say, I am a scumbag and a POS, and every other thing that I can be that's negative. I admit that. But I couldnt find the intimacy that I needed from her. She found out in April about her and flew out here to confront me about it. We talked and after a long weekend, she agreed to try to work it out. Well here it is the middle of june now and what we agreed on to put in the past is coming up about every other day. We've been communicating pretty damn well, the intimacy is there (except when she's throwing my indescretion in my face) and we have a decent sexlife. But after 13 years of a boring, loser existance, is it too late to try this? I feel like I'm fighting against the hoover dam as it breaks. When she gets really angry she tells me "I WILL NOT LET YOU TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID!!!!" I'm in counseling and have been for about the last 2 years. She just started after 12 years of denial that she needed it. Am I too late here?

June 18, 2007
6:22 am
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StronginHim77
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No. You are not too late. There is always hope. Even after adultery, a marriage can be healed, if BOTH parties get the necessary counsel and support. Do you have a minister helping you, as well? To cover this from a spiritual, as well as emotional, perspective? Reach out for all the non-judgmental, compassionate support you can.

Yes, you did the wrong thing. But you seem remorseful. And your wife seems to want to work things through. Understandably, her anger and pain (from the betrayal of your adultery) is going to ebb & flow like waves. Given enough time, she can heal and your relationship can recover and be stronger than before. It will take time for her to truly forgive you and mend, so be patient, get counseling and support and surround yourself with encouraging, compassionate friends and counselors, OK?

- Ma Strong

June 18, 2007
9:05 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Lonely.

I have had two men cheat on me.

and it turned out differently both times.

Here is what made the difference to me.

For my first ex...it was the first time I was cheated on...it killed me. We went to counseling...separate and together. BUT...there were many things he did that were inconsistent and made me continue to feel like I couldn't trust him. Passwords on his computer, cell phone and such. I needed permission to go into his truck to get something, to use his phone. When he was unreachable, he had many "odd" stories that didn't add up. When he didn't call me back, his reasons were just "off".

In therapy, the therapist told me that if I didn't let go of what happened and move forward, we weren't going to heal.

Well, I did let go. But it was HARD...my gut said that something still wasn't right. My radar was up, but I had to "contain it".

I, too, had outburst. and when things didn't go the way I wanted them, I ALWAYS brought up the past...mostly as a way to control, manipulate and make him feel bad/remorse/guilty.

So, I had to stop those behaviours.

I did.

and he cheated again.

I left his ass in the dust...but it took a while for the ending to happen, as he clinged tight and didn't want to let go.

In this situation, his reason for cheating was that things weren't going well for us, that he was unhappy and things "just happened". His excuses were lame and ultimately pointed back at me in more than a few ways. Like it was my fault. There was no personal acocuntability. And there was alot of passive aggressive stuff going on, like him saying he was a piece of shit and why would I want him and maybe he should do me a favor and leave.

it was all about manipulation, making ME feel bad about it, making ME scared he'd leave...so I would accept him, no matter what he did to me.

Now, flash forward...my current BF cheated...I wasted NO time telling him to leave...and stopped all contact. Four days later, he apologized...and he was heartbroken an remorseful....he explained what happened, took accountability and promised that he would never do that to "anybody"again...in that he wasn't asking me to take him back...just wanted me to know he learned his lesson.

Anyway, I did take him back, cuz something in my gut said to.

And he did make sure that he proved himself. He didn't do things that made me question him. He allowed me to use his phone...when I got antsy or had questions about things, he didn't get upset and blow up in my face...he understood that I had my doubts and fears and he tolerated my insecurities....even when it hurt him that I would doubt him, he dealt with it and helped me work thru it. Totally different than the last one...who would blow up and say that ***I*** was ruining it with my doubts and fears and not trusting him.

Anyway, for me...what I know NOW is that with my first ex...there were alot of OTHER issues going on. His cheating wasn't the ONLY issue. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. If cheating was the only problem, it's easier to get thru...but if there are alot of other things festering under the surface, it's easier to cover up that stuff by blaming the cheating as the problem.

Is it too late? maybe not...counseling is the only way...patience and understanding. yes, she is going to have her mood swings...don't get defensive, don't throw things back at her...try to listen and HEAR what she is saying and maybe dig a little deeper and see if there is something else.

Understand that she is SCARED...scared to trust, scared that you may do it again, scared to lose you, scared to hurt again.

like I said, if you can be patient and know that it's going to be a long road...you may have a chance.

oh, and don't think I am saying you should take all the abuse she dishes out...if it gets abusive and out of control, you may need a break away from it...just because she is scared, doesn't mean she has the right to abuse you.

that's where it's important to work on your communication skills and learn how to talk with her...so that you can head off any major battles...that's where therapy comes into play.

June 18, 2007
3:40 pm
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GuiltTrap
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You were married for 12 years.

There was little communication and little intimacy.

Why do you want to stay married to her?

It really sounds like you guys don’t have a passionate love affair so much as a cordial working relationship that occasional includes sex.

Having cheated on her and hurt her feelings – are you staying in this marriage because you feel bad for her and want to make it up to her?

Quick question: if she left you and said you could have (or see) the kids would you care that SHE was gone? She leaves, you guys stay friends, there’s no guilt or obligation on your part – would you feel devastated or relieved?

June 18, 2007
4:46 pm
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Time4Me
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Lonely,

I do want to say that I agree with most of the comments that were already left for you to read. I am still having a problem though with what it is you had to write, I have read and re-read your thread many times.

I would like to start with this, in order for you to be able to reconcile your marriage BOTH parties need to give 100% to the solution at hand and if not then the next thing would be for YOU to decide how long it is that YOU are willing to put up with the abuse before you lose your sanity. I myself have been in a similar situation and have had to put down a time limit. I knew it had to be set at a short length otherwise my codependency would have allowed me to stay in the abusive relationship forever. It is a very hard thing to do and stick to, but once you do you will feel the power of self-worth, self-love and self-esteem build inside of you. And that leads me to the problem that I am having with what it is you wrote. Your words exactly here, “First let me say, I am a scumbag and a POS, and every other thing that I can be that's negative. I admit that.” and “But after 13 years of a boring, loser existence.” Is that really how you feel about yourself? Are these feelings based off of the way your marriage has been so far? Not once in your writing did you say you loved your wife or the other woman you cheated on her with, do you think this is because you don’t love yourself? In order for your world around you to be complete you yourself must be complete within. What I’m suggesting here is that you take a step back and look inside of YOU for a minute and decide what it is that YOU want. Write it down and compare it to what it is you have right now. Staying in a relationship for all the wrong reasons is more hurtful and damaging to all involved than it is helpful. I understand you have children and you must think of them first, do you want your children to grow up thinking this is the right relationship to be in? Just a question that most people don’t ever think of asking themselves.

Time4Me

June 18, 2007
5:02 pm
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Lonely_n_WA
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I spent about a month in Rehab for Alcoholism in April. I went thru quite alot of individual counseling and group sessions. But after 15 years of various counseling and therapy I can honestly say that I have some issues with me, but for the most part I love me. The statements I made about me being a "scumbag and a POS" was more oriented to cut off the male bashing that I thought might be coming for cheating.

As for the boring loser exisitance, That is about how I felt before. There wasnt very much excitement or passion in my marriage. It was almost like she and I were best friends that never talked and had sex once in a GREAT while.

June 18, 2007
5:02 pm
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Lonely_n_WA
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I spent about a month in Rehab for Alcoholism in April. I went thru quite alot of individual counseling and group sessions. But after 15 years of various counseling and therapy I can honestly say that I have some issues with me, but for the most part I love me. The statements I made about me being a "scumbag and a POS" was more oriented to cut off the male bashing that I thought might be coming for cheating.

As for the boring loser exisitance, That is about how I felt before. There wasnt very much excitement or passion in my marriage. It was almost like she and I were best friends that never talked and had sex once in a GREAT while.

June 18, 2007
6:00 pm
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Time4Me
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Lonely,

That gives me a little more insight to you and your situation. Now you say that was how you felt before, how do you feel now and what changed those feelings?

GuiltTrap had a very good question, Quick question: if she left you and said you could have (or see) the kids would you care that SHE was gone? She leaves, you guys stay friends, there’s no guilt or obligation on your part – would you feel devastated or relieved?

Time4Me

June 18, 2007
8:48 pm
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Anonymous
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HI, new here.

I am married 33 years now. I cheated on my spouse 23 years ago, for about 4 years. We stayed together because of the kids, who are all grown and on their own now. I was not forgiven or the afair was never forgotten. We have had NO intimacy or sex for the past 11 years. I feel we are living like brother and sister. I no longer love or am in love, but I still care and do not want to hurt my spouse, but I do not want to live like this anymore.

Any suggestions?

June 21, 2007
1:41 am
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Lonely_n_WA
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Honestly I think that if she left, I'd be hurt for some time, but afterwards I'd get over it. I love my kids more than I do my wife and I can say that without hesitation. So where does that leave me...

June 21, 2007
6:43 pm
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Time4Me
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Lonely,

Frankly I feel that with what you said about “getting over it” and “without hesitation” speaks louder than what you are willing to listen to. I believe that you already know deep in your heart what it is that you want but are not willing to face it yet because of the threats regarding your children. You must understand and realize that these are just threats, unless there are some unforeseen circumstances such as child abuse or neglect no judge will deny you custody or visitation of your children. And if for some ungodly reason she does with hold your children from you then you do have the opportunity to file contempt of court charges against her, three strikes with that and she’s out for the count and you will be the one with the children.

Quick question: Are you still “In-Love” with your wife? You still have not mentioned it once as to whether or not you love her.

Time4Me

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