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Common Signs of an Abuser
March 27, 2008
11:31 am
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Pressing
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PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I've never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” or “You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

HYPERSENSITIVITY : Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.

THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I'll break your neck,” or “I'll kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn't really mean it.”

March 27, 2008
11:38 am
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Celtic1
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Pressing

Are they still an abuser if the fit 4 items completely and 3 partially?

Celtic

March 27, 2008
11:55 am
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atalose
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Celtic1,

If they fit any of these fully or partially, RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS run the other way.

I know you were not understanding red flags on another post.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 27, 2008
12:06 pm
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Celtic1
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(((atalose)))

I really am dumb as a rock when it comes to men. Thanks so much for the clarifiation AGAIN.

I think before I ever date again I'll come here and ask all of you what you think before I accept the date.

I continue to read and reread the thread Wish I would have know then...
It really helps me when I miss him. And I really still miss him (the dream of).... Anyway,

Thank you AGAIN for the clarification ;0)

Celtic

March 27, 2008
12:09 pm
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Celtic,

These are common signs, a man does not have to possess all of them.

These are all RED FLAGS so to speak that point out an abusive men.

Things to avoid when looking for that special someone.
Pressing

March 27, 2008
12:23 pm
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Celtic1
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Pressing.....

I don't think I'm healthy enough to look for someone special. I think it's better for me to just be with me.

;0)

Celtic

March 27, 2008
12:57 pm
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Celtic,

Sometimes thats the way it has to be for awhile, sometimes we need to work on becoming emotionally steady and there is nothing wrong with that.

It prevents us from jumping into something to quickly based on emotions rather than objectivity, and God knows we don't need to be hurt.

Pressing

March 27, 2008
2:35 pm
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StronginHim77
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This is an excellent list. WONDERFUL. If ANY of these traits (even just ONE) shows up in a potential partner, that should be a red flag to step back and move on. Truly, just one of these abuser traits would be bad news.

Celtic -

I left my abuser a year ago and am just now starting to connect as a FRIEND ONLY with other men. By that, I mean occasional meals out, a ride on a motorcycle or catching a band together. My radar is up. I don't trust MYSELF because I always found myself attracted to toxic men. Although I have learned a great deal in the past year (thanks to this site AND a great psychologist), I will probably always have to use my radar and keep myself focused on TRUTH, not fantasy when it comes to dating.

So, I am not rushing into another relationship. I am still not ready. Just thinking about dating practically gives me an outbreak of nervous hives. And twists my stomach into knots. Kid you not.

So, be patient with yourself. It does, indeed, take time to heal.

- Ma Strong

March 27, 2008
4:46 pm
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Celtic1
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((((Pressing)))) ((((atalose))))
((((Ma Strong)))

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF
HEART!!!!!

Celtic

March 27, 2008
11:54 pm
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MsGuided
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My X had 9 of those qualities..and another had 4.
Oh there were others, but they didn't effect me as much as the last 2.

Now I have someone with ZERO.But we're codependant.
Almost everyone i know is codep in some way. Even some couples who are highly successful!
At least with codependency you can have a few qualities and the relationship can be very good!
Sure is better than abuse!

March 28, 2008
12:26 am
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MsGuided
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Maybe I'm just copping out..just messed up lately.

No abuse now?true.

Abused before?true.

why do i feel NOW like i did when i was abused?

Je ne sais pas

I know.I'm just too damn tired to sort it out right now.

March 28, 2008
10:16 am
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Maybe because when you were abused you weren't allowed to feel, you were to afraid, now you can, and sometimes that can be scary.

Pressing

March 30, 2008
9:23 am
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wasabi
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My husband of 21 years displays EVERY ONE!
Sorry to admite!
I'm planning my escape!
He left me in town miles from our rual home last Sat. night !
My daughter gave me a ride home & I snuke into the house like a child !
He drug me out of the guess room & slamed me to the hard wood floor..& ripped my clothes & was throwing me out , then would not let me leave & verbly abused me for hrs..Time like this I wish we had carpet & not oak floor thru out our big house that is not a home!
I went to my docotrs & docu. my brusies! The police will do noting it's time to leave! My doctor or many years.......said is this the first time you have never spoke of it before? I said no but it's the last time! She off the record kept a statement & will testify aginst him in court & gave me a friends # she is a divorce lawyer ......... She was so supportive & is so on my side!
Also my old boss a child PHYC will testify against him also! I went to the dom. voil. center but they are draggen there feet in getting me into the program! I'm building a case against him & will slam him with divorce papers before I leave with in 6 mths! or sooner if he hurts me again!
I could add to this list but it's pretty right on!
Verbal abuse & intemadation should be illigal also it's so painful!
Thanks everyone!
WALKING AWAY!
WASABI

March 30, 2008
12:48 pm
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readyforachange
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((Pressing)) thanks for posting this list. My ex fit many of these, but I was 17 when I met him and he charmed me into submission. After 17 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. Been happily divorced for 3 years, although he tries to make my life hell any chance he can get.

(((MsGuided))) I'm in the same boat. With an abuser for 17 years, now with a wonderful, sweet, gentle person who seems a little codependent to me. But we are making things work with LOTS of communication. What I do know is that just being in a relationship (healthy or unhealthy), brings up old feelings and I tend to panic. Something he says or does, or just having someone significant in my life, brings up feelings I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with. But, when I'm feeling that way, I talk to him and we sort it out together. It's a beautiful thing.

(((wasabi))) oh, honey...I wish you the strength you will need to leave this. While my ex was only physically abusive a few times during our 17 years of marriage, the verbal and emotional abuse was far more damaging I think. It is what has taken me so many years and so much counseling to get past. I am glad you have people around you to support and protect you. Please be very, very careful and protect yourself during this process. He is most likely NOT going to react well if you leave. Take care of yourself (((wasabi)))

March 30, 2008
2:13 pm
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Your welcome ladies....

Sorry for those who you who had to suffer so much from this.

I grew up with an alcoholic step-dad who was abusive to my mom....I hated him for it....she would not leave him....I could never understand why...cheated on her ....contantly...chased her with knives...pulled guns out....just plain crazy....

I made me put up so many walls that I basically can't trust men....I feel like they are going to turn into my step-dad....yeah I am in counseling for this now...

Wasabi....I am proud of you...you deserve that freedom and I agree with ready...he's not going to take it well...because he will no longer be in control...enough to make him flip...be safe...glad you have things on record now....keep talking

Pressing

March 31, 2008
1:07 pm
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stormwrning
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I wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted. I am not feeling so alone anymore. I'm extremely afraid to have a relationship. I just want to be by myself for now.

April 1, 2008
12:48 am
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Storm,

There is nothing wrong with that. I am in the same spot now.
Just learning who I am.

Your not alone
Pressing

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