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Committment Phobic
May 17, 2001
6:53 pm
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ruthie5507
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I can't seem to get involved with anyone. Or when I do become involved, I inevitably find something wrong with the guy and end up dumping him or making it such a bad relationship that he ends up dumping me. I keep getting with the wrong types of guys and am now absolutely petrified to get involved. The second I think someone wants to date me or get into my internal world--I freak out. I get so scared off that I want nothing to do with them. I am at a loss as to what to do with myself. I don't trust anyone--I don't know how to let anyone in...help?

May 17, 2001
6:55 pm
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chippy
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How old are you? How many relationships?

May 17, 2001
6:58 pm
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ruthie5507
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28--too many to count. Only 2 serious ones and they were when I was in my early 20's...

May 17, 2001
7:02 pm
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chippy
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I strongly suggest good conseling to get to the bottom of this pattern.....could be caused by many different factors other than not finding the "right person".

Get a recommendation for a good therapist to get to cause of problem. Or maybe it could be as simple as not finding the right person yet. How are you with girlfriends? Do you keep those relationships?

May 17, 2001
7:07 pm
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ruthie5507
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I do. I have some very good girlfriends and good friendships with them. I never think that they are going to hurt me. I always thought that I would be 'ready' and actually married at this age. But I can't even think about marriage, family, etc. without getting all torn up inside. I am so afraid of letting go and so afraid of not knowing if I will meet the right guy. Or afraid that I won't know that I already met him. Does that make sense? I never used to feel this way. It's just been the last year that I have been more afraid of relationships then ever. Is it because I always seem to meet the wrong ones? And I'm not so consumed that I have to have a man. That's the thing. I have spent many a years alone, getting to know myself. And whoever I thought I was--I am feeling like I am no longer that person. And I'm lost...

May 17, 2001
7:15 pm
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chippy
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Sounds to me like you are in a reflection time and looking at what you thought you would be like at "this age"......like there is a book or something and you are not following the script. That may be what is creating your fear...cause if you are not following the script then it's unknown...and scary....
You are frightened of something...can you name it? Can you reach in and find the root of the fear?

May 17, 2001
7:22 pm
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ruthie5507
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How do I get there? I wouldn't even know how to begin to find the root of my problem. I am new to this...I always try and figure things out on my own...

May 17, 2001
7:30 pm
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chippy
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Usually you cannot see the root cause there is a blockage of emotion to cover the root. It is an emotional journey....you have the answer, you have to tell yourself you will be able to handle the root as it comes up to the conscious level. Fear is usually caused by hurt and pain....the root is not pleasant to you so you fear the pain associated with it. Pretend it is someone else's root and you may be able to get to it. Don't fear it...it is a part of you...you just buried a part of yourself....ask, "What am I afraid to know?"
It might be...."I'll be old and alone" It might be..."I'll never be a mom" etc. Name your fear.

May 17, 2001
7:34 pm
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chippy
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By the way if you get a chance read Too Low About Job and respond...that is my problem and you may have good advice.....thanks

May 17, 2001
7:44 pm
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ruthie5507
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I'm not afraid that I will be old and alone because I know that will be my fault. I've had opportunity...I just get too scared. It's more the fear of letting someone know me. Know who I really am--and I'm not a bad person and I don't really think they're is anything terminally wrong with me. I am your typical female.

I really do not know what is bothering me or preventing me from...ahhh. Maybe it's falling in love. I've loved 2 men beside my father. One knew and he was my last real boyfriend. The love I felt for him was incredible. It was a painful ending. The other never knew, but used me. He never knew how much he was hurting me and I never paid attention to how much he was hurting me because I was so in love with him. Well--am in love with him.

It seems that I've fallen in love twice and both have been painful. I think I am fearful of that pain. Giving myself to someone and then having them go away or not want me anymore...it kills me. I don't feel safe...

May 17, 2001
8:04 pm
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chippy
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Tell me about your Father, it's important.

May 17, 2001
8:40 pm
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chippy
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Ruthie,

You seem like a real nice person....I won't be on this board again for a while....so I will tell you what I think to this point....if the men that you loved have no connection to your relationship with your father......(did he make you feel safe?)
then it is something else. If your relationship with "Dad" had issues they may be replaying themselves in other people (Men) and the fear along with it.......

If you had a regular relationship with Dad then the problem may be different, you may feel that men "really knowing you" causes the grief and you may not want to get too close. All I can say is that no one ever really gets to "know" anyone....cause we are always in process of change and exciting discovery about each other....but real relationships have their ups and downs and some people cannot handle the downs.....committment means you will handle the downs, and won't give up. I have been married for 16 years and it has been great, sad, wonderful, angry, smiles, joy, pain and tears and boredom. These are all normal and as long as two people expect them as part of the "rollar coaster" long term ride.....all will come out alright.
I remember a movie where an 88 year old grandmother told her granddaughter "your Grandpa took me on a 55 year rollar coaster ride" and that is the truth of it. As you know, on a rollar coaster you will not feel entirely safe....but that is part of the excitement and fun....as well as the fear...it is in the risk.
As for someone "going away" that is the big risk we all take. We don't "know" they will be there tomorrow, we hope they will because we know that decision is made everyday...the decision to recommit and stay. If you get a guy who is naturally a "committer" you will feel safer....did his parents have a long marriage? If the answer is yes then by what he saw growing up your chances are better he knows how to handle the ups and downs.
Best Wishes to you and hope to talk to you again.
Chippy

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