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Comments, please......
December 16, 2003
9:20 pm
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andypandy
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Ok, I have this "friend"...no, wait, it's me.

I met my husband almost 5 years ago and we had an on again/off again relationship. Everytime we broke up he would say, I'm sorry, I'm just not in love with you, etc.

Now, I'm a big believer in "actions speak louder than words"...well, you would never think he didn't love me or wasn't in love with me from his actions.

Anyway, on again/off again, I love you, I don't want to be with you, back and forth, back and forth. Now, part of this was me too saying I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me, yet we continued/continue this yo-yo game. I guess we are co-dependent on one another huh?

I truly do love this man. His actions told me he felt the same. Finally, he asks me to marry him and I of course say yes and move in with him. Off again. I'm going crazy nuts trying to figure him out. I think his gray matter is loose. He says...I don't think we should get married unless we have kids (I had know from the git go that he wanted children and we were trying for 4 years with no luck)
next, the miracle, the sign, the baby! What joy! but still no marriage. Finally, this past October, I gave the ultimatum, let's marry or I'm out. We marry, but I don't think he really wanted to and...deep down in my heart, I kind of believe him that he really isn't in love with me and doesn't want to be with me, but now we have this innocent child and so on and so forth.

What to do? How do I know if he truly loves me or is just here now because of the baby? I feel so insecure and absolutely dread abandonment! (well, that's how I feel I would be...abandoned, thrown away)

I try to tell him my feelings and instead of instantly refuting my claims that he doesn't love me, he'll say something like, I don't know if I love anyone, or, he'll say it's still the "bachelor" in him resisting arrest, that he has to get used to marriage, etc. CRAP LIKE THAT. Or is it?
Have I totally screwed up and forced something that shouldn't be and now the baby. My heart breaks imagining her in a broken home. He is an excellent fathre and she adores him.

What to do?

December 16, 2003
9:33 pm
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mj
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Hugs andypandy...

December 16, 2003
9:36 pm
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andypandy
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That's not helpful! tell me something constructive. All said nicely of course.
Seriously, I know you are showing your support, but a hug won't cut it right now. I feel like I'm having a panic attack (slightly) and now have to walk on egg shells around him.

Shit.

But thanks, MJ anyway.

December 16, 2003
9:39 pm
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mj
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It seems to me, it took awhile to get to where you are at....It probably will take a while to clear up this too.

Sorry for trying to be supportive.

December 16, 2003
9:47 pm
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andypandy
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Oh no, please don't be offended. I swear I appreciate your support. I was kind of trying to be funny too.
Sorry mj, it didn't come across well.
You are very supportive and I didn't mean to sound bitchy.
Anyway, I just clicked on the
HarryO good advice thread...and well...by golly...what excellent advise. I think I need to just chill and que sara, sara.
now, where is my prozac?

December 17, 2003
12:17 am
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Zinnie
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Why is he doing this? I don't know, sounds to me like he wants to keep you off kilter.

He sounds like a game player. Call him your "ball and chain around my neck" - see how fast that changes his smart mouth.

Just my opinion.

Z.

December 17, 2003
9:50 am
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artist 2
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Not meaning to be shallow, but lots of people don't marry and live a life together. Perhaps you can reason with him as to your reasons to marry... save on taxes, the child needs a record of parents, school for the child, medical care, etc. I don't know what should be in the list, since I dont' have a child. But, maybe he needs "logical" reasons - after all he's a man.

December 17, 2003
11:58 am
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mj
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no worries, andy....glad that others were there for you. Sometimes all I can do is say, Hugs...

December 17, 2003
12:08 pm
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unhappy camper
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I am wondering how you were able to go on with him after he told you the first time or so that he "didn't love you". I can't think of anything more hurtful.

How did you survive that? Why did you carry on this relationship after hearing those words?

I think that is something that you have to think about to start with.

What was your reaction? How did you feel? Why didn't you take his word for it and leave him?

This is not critism, just want to hear you address that for yourself. Why do you think you needed him so badly that you held on even through those words? What is it about you that made you feel you should stick with someone who hurts you so badly?

Do you feel less than worthy of good treatment and true love?

December 30, 2003
12:00 am
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strengthishere
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andypandy,

I think that you have to love yourself and believe in yourself and make yourself happy. If you keep asking him with negativity then you'll plant a seed in his head. The first thing you have to do is love yourself and love your child and enjoy her and he'll come around and when your confident then let his actions speak louder than words. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't keep asking him. Just enjoy you!!! Love yourself first!!!!

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