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Comfort Zone
November 10, 2001
4:57 am
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gypsygirl
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September 24, 2010
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My Zone consits of having four or five different guys at my beck and call, (I do not even want to be with a guy, I like girls, but am intimidated by them.)I pick guys that I know will not want a relationship, I have sex with some but not all of them, I don't have any feelings for them except likeing them. I dismiss them when I am done with them. I Identify with guys and not at all with women. I sometimes come across the guy that says he loves me and starts to care about the way I feel and how my day has gone etc... and what do I do? I dump him. My therapist says that I depend on them for how I feel about myself. Like I have to have a guy to like me in order for me to like myself. I have spent my entire life doing this. How am I supposted to undo it now at 25? I was told my whole life how pretty I was and how much I could get with my looks blah blah blah, And I always wanted to be liked for what I was on the inside, and now it is all so twisted i do not even know what I am or who I am on the inside. Mabye I am just afraid of what I might see when I open up to myself. I find all the distractions that I can so that I will not have to be alone with myself. I am afriad to go to sleep at night because I will have dreams and if I have dreams then I will have to see the real me. What is the real me anyway? Why am I so afraid? When I do find the one person that I want to be in a relationship with I forget me and become what I think that person wants me to be, then after a few years of it I dont like being that person anymore,so I leave and go on yet another quest to find myself, but I get afraid and follow the same pattern. I do not lie to these guys that I have they mostly know about each other and just do not care. I dont understand any of it. It is so much easier to continue this pattern and be comfortable than to struggle with trying to find myself. I act like a slut and then get angry when other girls do not like me because of it. Girls piss me off, I do not understand them, And why do I want to be with them? I have this big huge power trip when Guys like me and are willing to do anything for me. but at the same time it sickens me. what makes me so special that I get to have four boyfriends? They dont really get anything out of it. Mabye this is all just a minor issue. I know it is self destructive, but it is better than drugs or drinking right? My only other vise is caffene. So I have low self esteem, who dosent? How does one stop having low self esteem? I am going to school and am doing well I am a good mother. I am not a good friend, cause when they start to care to much I push them away. What is so bad about having people care about me? Why do I feel like I dont deserve it? I am easygoing and friendly. I am only aggressive towards guys, and not all of the time. i have this need to be taken care of, but when someone wants to I run away. Why do I want so badly when I do not let myself have what I really need? Why is it so hard to let myself be happy? I am sorry that this is all jumbled and not making sense. I am finding it extremely difficult to be in school and getting A's. I worked hard for them so Why do I feel bad about it?

November 10, 2001
10:38 am
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gypsygirl
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September 24, 2010
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Blondie you crack me up. I am not sure if I am gay or just Bi- sexual(I prefer to call it multi-tasking) I have been with girls. I find I like it more, the companionship and the whole none yards. But at the same time I like the sex with the testosterione vessels. I find men to be weak pitiful things that are willing to give up anything and everything to just get off.

I was abused when I was young and the really shitty thing is that I do not even know who it was. I dont know the extent of it either. Or when it started. I was raped when I was ten by my brother's best friend my brother watched and also my two best friends, It was just a game to them. Then they went and told the whole neighborhood that I had had sex with this guy. Stupid fucking jackass I would like to cut off his cock and shove it up his ass.

I am having alot of rage lately, sorry. I am just venting. I vented at work with my neighbor girl cause she is trying to fuck me over, now she just ducks away from me whenever I pass by like I am going to hit her or something!

I have a little boy, 6 almost 7, I had another boy but he died 19 days into his life. Both of them had the same father, both of them had birthdefects. I blame the father because of his drug abuse, But he gets to go on with his life and now he has a new little girl that is healthy and now I cannot even have any more. It is so unjust. I cannot even fucking believe it. I am finding out about getting a historectomy next week.

My little boy is the only male that I know that is not fucked up, I will not allow him to be either.

Oh and by the way I found myself liking this guy I mean really liking him cause he was sweet and not like the others and the dumb ass is not intereasted in me. I am more hurt that he does not want me than upset that I do not get to know him. I do not know how to deal when someone does not want me.

OK I am getting an anxiety attack over this shit. I fucking hate these attacks it gets in the way of my life.

Alright I had better end now so I dont completely loose it:+)

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