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Come All You SEX ADDICT
January 25, 2005
4:27 am
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ineedtoloveme
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Scenario:

Sex Addict - Countless one night stands-anonymous sex-porno-strip clubs-fantasies-masturbating-lying-denials

BIG QUESTIONS:

What are the chances of him being completely
"clean" except for masturbating for 5 years?He has NEVER attended a meeting or had ANY type of therapy!

OBVIOUSLY THIS HAS TO BE A LIE (doesn't it?)
Please tell me why he sat me down and told me about the other addicted behavorial (one night stands-porno, etc.) and than lied (I think) about the last 5 years?Please I needhelp!

January 25, 2005
4:39 am
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ineedtoloveme
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Also-thank you all for yesterday!

I need to love me

January 25, 2005
6:46 am
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ineedtoloveme
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I just realized the title of my post might be offensive-I don't mean for it to be offensive to anyone-I was trying to get attention -so I could get some help! I apologize if I offended anyone. I am new to this board (2days)

January 25, 2005
7:08 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ineed:

Honey, you need to take a step back. Sit down and breath. In thru the nostrils; out thru the mouth.

I know you have not had time to check into meetings for the wife of the sex addict. You need to do that today. You will get answers here, but you will get answers and one-on-one support there. You can get that here too, but there you have an actual face to look at.

Please do not fall apart over this. I know it seems like such a huge overwhelming monster right now. It is. Stop and take a stand. Tell yourself it will not destroy you.
Are you a religious woman? If so, pray. If not, then do what you normally do to get peace. To find come calmness.

I have never dealt w/ a sex addict, but have dealt w/ other adddicts. Believe me honey, you are gonna get thru this. As big and as bad as this seems at this moment; YOU WILL get thru this.

I am here if you want to talk.

January 25, 2005
7:21 am
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ineedtoloveme
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tHANK YOU FOR RESPONDING-i KNOW i SHOULD GO TALK TO SOMEONE BUT i JUST CAN'T RIGHT NOW. I feel to ashame to look at anyone. I just feel like I can deal with my mate if he is being honest (haha).It has always been an obsession with me to know the truth about everything that happens in my life-I think that comes from being molested at 6 and being brutally raped at 18. It has always been my life mission to find an honest man.I did not mean to write all of that-Thanks for listening

January 25, 2005
7:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ineed:

You can write whatever you want to here. It's ok. The more we know about you the more we can help. I am sorry you have had such a harmful past.

I to am one that insists on honesty and then I get hurt by it. Even toay I say I don't want to know; I'll not ask, but it eats me up to not know.

The questions you asked about him. I can't tell you that he is or is not being honest. Looks like he is coming clean to you in pieces, adding a little more each time. That's normal. He probably is more ashamed than you are if you can imagine that.

You have NO reason to be ashamed. You are not the one that did anything but trust and love. You hold your head up and look people in the face. You stand strong coz you are gonna need all your strength to get thru this.

May I ask...Did you decide to let him stay or has he moved out? What steps are you taking to protect you?

January 25, 2005
8:14 am
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ineedtoloveme
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i haven't done anything yet-i don't know what to do-we have been together for 10 years-i go from being so sad to i want to kill him! i cry-i shout-i laugh-idon't know what to do.......help-do i have aids or a std? have he been with someone i know?is he still cheating? is it possible he has been clean for 5 years-help me please-i don't feel anything yet i feel everything

January 25, 2005
8:38 am
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fishstock
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I'm a recovering sex addict. And like any other addiction, it is a crutch. A major component of any addiction is that you think you have to have it to survive. Quite sad actually...

Anyway, it is possible, although unlikely that an addict can stop all other behavior except for the mb.

I've tried this and so have many others as I have heard them share in meetings and it didnt work.

Just take care of yourself until more is revealed.

January 25, 2005
9:23 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ineed:

I would think you need to make a doctor appt and be checked for stds and aids. Just tell the doc the truth that your husband just told you and you need to know. Then don't sleep w/ him again until you know.
Actually, he should be checked as well. I'd not sleep w/ him again till he has test results. Those are things that last forever. Protect yourself.

I don't know where you are, but things are starting to open. Call and see if you can find meetings for family of sex addicts.

Keep taking those deep breaths. You're gonna make it thru this.

January 25, 2005
10:12 am
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Alegab
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Inneed- I posted this same post in the hope that you somehow will get to read it.

Inneed- The book that designs has recommend "Out of the Shadows (understanding Sexual Addiction) by Patrick Carnes is excellent. I read it. What about attending meetings for yourself and perhaps going to therapy for yourself until you can get yourself to feel better right now. You are overwhelmed right now in dealing with this, it is very understandable. Obessing and feeling helpless is understandable but it won't get you too far as far as feeling better. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and let him do his part in this.

Remember God (or your highter power, who ever that might be) will get you through this. The serenity prayer might be of help to you: God Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Good luck to you and if you believe in prayer, pray. God is always there 24/7. He will get you through this.

Love and Lots of Hugs
Alegab

January 25, 2005
10:26 am
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Anonymous
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Hi sweetie,

welcome to the boards! I know this realization probably hit you like a sledgehammer.... I remember the moment it dawned on me I was with a sex addict. It hurt bad, real bad.

Has he been clean the past five years? Until he proves trustworthy of his words (not yet ovbiously) then only you can feel and determine the answer for yourself. Think about his behavior the past 10 yrs. And then the last five. Any changes?

I'm still with the sex addict, even though we are more best friends today (looooong stroy) but we still see each other intimately even though we know we shouldn't, and I break it off when I know he's been up to no good, I can tell, I always know.

Did you ever have suspiscions before that he was cheating on you? Any intuition at all?

But what I really want to say is that even though right now you want to get to the bottom of it, don't focus on him and what he may have or have not done. Get yourself checked out by a doctor, asap. Most sex addicts don't protect themselves. My ex's excuse was he used condoms with less classy girls but he only slept with "good" girls. (yeah like me until he found out otherwise....I'm not so innocent myself you see....)

Focus on yourself, and see a therapist and group meetings. Honestly, because it will just eat away at you otherwise, the sooner you focus on yourself, the better you will feel and will be able to make strong, confident and rational decisions. Have you been in therapy for your abuse? Our story is uncannily similiar, I was molested starting at the age of 5 and raped at 17 myself. So I'm also working through that trauma and all the wonderful consequences....

I'm sorry your going through this, I really hope you see someone and talk to someone, because the pain is great. I saw red for months afterwards and spent much time on "revenge" except I have only hurt myself in the end.

I hope this helps, and I truly hope you feel better realizing it is HIS problem and that it does not have ANYTHING to do with you, as one person is never enough for a sex addict, no matter how much love, loyalty and trust you show them, until THEY get the help that THEY need and want to change THEMSELVES. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU SWEETIE, ITS HIM AND HIS DEMONS.

take care,

magga

January 25, 2005
10:29 am
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Anonymous
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I just wanted to add that I wrote the last part because for months I felt so betrayed by him, how could he be with someone else? And the situations I was in because he blew me off when I was staying with him, some nights I had to crawl into his place as he was gone with the keys, and I didn't have a place of my own. Some of these memories still burn inside of me. But I'm learning to channel that anger into good energy. Try to help yourself feel better. Thats the best you can do right now, I mean it from the bottom of my heart!

January 25, 2005
2:07 pm
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marley
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ineedtoloveme -

I am not sure what the underlying concern is - you think your SO is a sex addict? has your SO been diagnosed as a sex addict?

January 25, 2005
7:08 pm
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ineedtoloveme
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Thank you all for your help. I feel really scare because I don't know what I am feeling. I will write more later.

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