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Coffee & Conversation
December 27, 2005
4:33 pm
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Lt4Others
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I met a new friend for coffee and conversation this morning. What a refreshing change! Unlike my soon-to-be-ex-wife, my new friend is independent, creative, and very upbeat. She actually listened when I spoke and commented on my thoughts. I enjoyed listening to her as well. It was a fun, casual, give-and-take conversation that went on for a couple of hours. My spirits are lifted and I feel re-energized. We parted and agreed to get back together again after New Years and do something fun together. I kept my codependent behavior in check. The fact that she was not BPD made it soooooo much easier. Just wanted to share the experience and let you know that a brighter future is ahead for all of us.

Best holiday wishes.....Lt4Others

December 27, 2005
5:46 pm
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Marlex
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Just wondering Left4other..

Since you are on this site you are probably co-dependant and were probably co-dependant on someone else that was probably needy..so this new person who is independent and may not need anything from you..is that going to be ok or do you subcousciosly seek people who can bring you a lot of drama in order to be ok in a relationship...I am asking you because I've recently dated someone who was in a co-dependent relationship and he dropped me to go back to his "cycle" of unhealthy relationship. You have to be very careful about your feelings for this person and when things start to become uncomfortable because it feels different...you need to really evaluate things and what a good relationshiop is.

My friend left me for his soon to be ex wife...someone he thought he was "done with" because of all the cheating and lying in his relationship...Now they are together again for about the 3rd time..and just when I thought he was really over her and he was ready to be happy and I am left heartbroken.

Just something for you to think about.

December 27, 2005
5:53 pm
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Shaney
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Hi L4O :o) - It's such a nice feeling to connect with someone through conversation. Keep it going... surround yourself with more people that lift you up and support you in every way possible. This experience should give you the confidence to make more interesting friends. Thanks for sharing that - we need to hear those positive stories - it gives hope to all of us. Thanks - Shaney

December 27, 2005
6:08 pm
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Rasputin
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It is always fun to meet interesting and enjoyable new friends. I pray Lt4 that things will get well between you and this lady and will ultimately prosper into romantic relationship.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you! Keep us posted!

~Ras~

December 27, 2005
8:31 pm
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Lt4Others
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Hi Folks,

Thanks for your support and probing questions.

Marlex - You make a good point. I have a history of gravitating towards borderline personalities. About a year ago a counselor pointed that out and we began working on my codependent traits. I've made progress, but still have work to do. At this point, the divorce proceedings with my wife have been such a nasty experience, I see no chance we will get back together. Hanging out with independent people is liberating to me. It's also a relief that I can be myself. If they like me, fine. If they don't, that's fine too. I've finally reached the point where I'm happy with who I am and do not require constant validation from others.

Shaney & Ras,

I've discovered the power of associating with positive people. My kids are great that way, as are my co-workers and close friends. I'm making new friends too. Sure, it would be great if the relationship with my new friend blossomed into something more, but I'm thankful for the friendship we have now. Anything more is bonus and an added blessing. Thanks for your prayers and warm thoughts.

Peace be with you.....Lt4Others

December 28, 2005
1:55 am
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hopeinhim
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Lt4Others -

Don't mean to offend or judge you - but, does h this person know you are not divorced yet.

It seems to me that a balanced, independent woman would defer until after the divorce especially if it causing you a lot of turmoil.

My STBX instantly got out on websites for personal ads and is claiming to be single/divorced. We haven't even filed any paperwork! I feel sorry for the women he meets because he is not emotionally available.

Also, it seems you are comparing this person a lot to your ex - tell me more about that. It sounds almost like you are seeking relief instead of having healed and having a fresh foundation with somebody new.

December 28, 2005
2:27 am
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Lass
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Lt4Others,

I am encouraged for you, but agree strongly with Hope. I believe in a bereavement period following divorce. Just like following a death.

My best girlfriend is in big trouble having gotten involved with a man prior to his divorce.

This man did not take the time to do his healing properly, and it is coming home to roost now, a year later. They will probably break up.

I is always so nice going in and such hell coming out. A pastor in Hawaii once told me that most of it is simply the newness of a new relationship that seems so wonderful. And in a short time, the newness wears off, and there you are again. Finding fault with the other.

Just take your time for you right now. Become independent and positive, the very things you so admire.

Best Wishes! LL

December 28, 2005
7:49 am
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Lt4Others
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Lass & Hope,

I understand what you're saying. There are many people (male and female) who re-enter the relationship scene too early. Sometimes it's innocent, other times it's not. For instance, my wife and I were separated for only two weeks when I discovered her personals ad on a less-than-savory adult personals site. It was humiliating to see her hawk her wares in public. It was even worse when she taunted me via email, describing all the physical favors she would bestow upon the respondents.

I agree that a recovery/healing period is necessary during/after divorce. I also agree that legally I am still married. I agree that I need to give myself time and to become independent, positive, and balanced. That's why I'm not diving head-long into another serious relationship.

Where my new friend is concerned, I have been open and truthful from the start. She knows that I am separated and not yet divorced. She was the one who approached me. Neither of us is in any particular hurry. It's true that I remain emotionally guarded. Yes, there is a certain thrill in getting to know somebody knew. However, I'm trying to ensure our friendship has a firm foundation, too.

Thanks again for your thoughts. Getting sincere, honest feedback from our peers is what this site is all about.

Peace.....Lt4Others

December 28, 2005
1:28 pm
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Marlex
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Lt4others

I think its great that you are going on with your life if your marriage is over. Just finished a relationship with someone who was separated and it has been devastating to me. I am like your new friend, independent and consider myself well balanced. From one day to the other he pulled the rug from under me..I had no idea of his true intentions...but he made a lot promises and now I know that it was all about himself...to fill his time while he was away from her. He was in one of those on and off marriages and had been divorced from her 2x...I know..I was stupid and believed that he was telling the truth when he said he was done with her.

I hope that when you do find yourself not willing to go any further with her romantically...that you are gentle with her and appreciate the time she has given you and her kindness towards you. Not every relationship is supposed to work..but one should leave it with dignity and respect and never forget that people have feelings.

Take care,

December 28, 2005
3:26 pm
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Lt4Others
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Marlex,

I really appreciate your sharing with me your experience, as painful as it was. You're right. I've focused so much on "me" during recovery, that I might fail to realize my new friend has expectations and feelings of her own. In this lady's case, she's been widowed for five years, so she's at a very different place from me right now. While I enjoy companionship and interaction with her, I would hate to hurt her in any way. If an exit is in order at some point, I will try and do so kindly and respectfully.

Thank you for caring......Lt4Others

December 29, 2005
12:23 am
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hopeinhim
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Lt4others - wow, your STBX waited a whole 2 weeks? Mine was on-line with personal ads in just a mere 4 days or so!

And, he was out to the bars in 5!

He should come with a surgeon general's warning.

Be careful not to "medicate" yourself with your new friend. Ask yourself if they would be a "friend" if you were still married.

You seem very raw to be much more than a friend right now, and won't be doing yourself any favors if you don't have strong boundaries.

You mention being emotionally guarded - is that paranoia in reaction to your bad experience in your marriage, or are you trying to be wise?

December 29, 2005
4:11 am
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Lt4Others
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hope,

You gave me a few things to think about. Perhaps I am trying to "medicate" myself with a new frienship. It's time to take a serious look at myself and establish some realistic boundaries for relationships. I wish I could claim to be "wise" in this regard, but I'm probably being more paranoid. Wisdom comes with age and sufficient time has not yet passed since our breakup.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a similar experience with your STBX. My two teenagers even ran into their stepmother during one of her "dates" as she was climbing on the back of some dude's Harley. As to how long she had her personals ad, I'm not sure. I found it after two weeks, but she obviously had it there for before, perhaps even while we were still together. Who knows?

Lt4Others

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