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Codepenency or Selfishness
September 12, 2001
7:46 am
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sue2001
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My mom for as long as I can remember battled drugs and alcohol and I adjusted to it over the years. Now being clean and sober for 7 years has made my life a living hell. Not only do I have to adjust once again to different mood swings, but I also have to listen to her self righteousness attitude. She tries to tell me where I am going wrong with my daughter and personally I am just thankful that Im not drinking and doing drugs. Although I know I want to drink so bad I never do because of what I went through growing up. What do I do?

September 12, 2001
8:06 am
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sue2001
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ok just for info that postup there is not mine that is a friend of mine that didn't know how to get her own name on here...
just so you all know.. thank you

September 12, 2001
12:57 pm
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Molly
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Be polite, smile, and then go home. That is it. Takes practice,but you can do it. When you visit here, pretend your a candy striper, just doing your job. Avoid conversations of contraversy, and hmmmmmmmmmm I don't know is a good answer to tough pointed questions.

If you want a drink have a drink, its not all that it is cracked up to be, just like all the adds for Mountain Dew, or Pepsi, your world could change, but then again, most likely not. You are in controll if you have one or a hundred bottles of beer, and know the consequences. Like allergic to milk, yet some still wanna experience that lactose intolorance reaction, Meg Ryan did a good scene on that one in I think it was French Kiss. Smoking too, some just can't wait to try, have this big ole romantic fantasy about it, what happens the first time, ugh ugh, spinning, turning green, maybe the opportunity to vomit, and coughing. Could be the same with a drink. Its the mind game that talking it over should I or shouldn't I that builds and builds, until..............

September 12, 2001
2:36 pm
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Ladeska
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September 27, 2010
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Ah yes, the self-righteous blah, blah, blah....now I have done whatever and have the right to rail at you. You know, I find that interesting because - if someone truly has changed - then they don't just swap one abuse, one addiction for another. To me - she is just channeling her nasty in another direction - which should be seen - as destructive as the other way of life.

So, if you would stay away from her or have extremely limited visits with her when she was on drugs and alcohol - I would have the same response to her now with her self-righteous b.s. It may look different, but no sure it is. At any rate - it doesn't make you feel very good, so in my book that equates to distancing yourself or cutting whatever out of your life completely.

Who needs this? You certainly don't. Not sure sometimes why we wouldn't walk out in front of a truck, but we will put ourselves in harm's way when it comes to people like this. If it is destructive to you, if it takes up alot of your time - processing it, stewing over it, hurting over, being angry, etc. - then what is the good part of it?

It is not our responsibility to fix them or to take their crap. It is our reponsibility, however, to get out of the way of the truck and to stay in protective boundaries concerning that truck. She's just looking for a scapegoat to attack because she has yet....to truly look in the mirror.

September 13, 2001
10:16 am
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sue2001
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Ladeska,

Thank you for responding to this, it really has me messed up. I know sometimes my priorities arent where they should be but can we be straight all the time. Yes, I seem to make the same mistakes over and over but mistakes give us character. She is my mom and I love her but I really can't handle her abuse as well as what is already on my plate. I know GOD won't give us more than we can handle but sometimes I try to figure out what he is sayin by letting my mom loose on me knowing I can't handle her self righteousness b.s.

If it takes me leaving her behind then I shall but I can't keep her only grandchild from her. Another thing I feel that since my brother died from a massive heart attack 4 yrs ago at the age of 18 that maybe I am too insensitive to her feelings and I should just listen to her. I miss my brother too but my life can't stop because of this. Personally I am tired of living in his shadow of perfection...

Kerry

September 13, 2001
11:06 am
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Ladeska
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Cerry...No. 1 - God isn't letting anyone loose per say. People make choices, we have free will. So, to assign God that responsibility is risky business.

More than anything - you just need personal boundaries here. She's not going to change, okay fine. But, you can. You can change the way you deal with her. And if she reacts to your boundaries in a bad way, then you have to erect higher boundaries.

I know what you are talking about regarding her grandchild. I had to make a decision that ultimately meant taking my daughter 3,000 miles away from my mother. Why? Because the mindgames were beginning with her, too.... So, I took her away, allowed her to visit and all that, but she was raised to be an independent thinker. She thanks me for that now. Because she was around her later - when we moved back there (dumb move on my part), but I thought my daughter needed family....well, she was 17 at the time and saw clearly what was up regarding my mother and the whole family.

My daughter had a mind of her own and good personal boundaries. She gave them some chances to back up and do the right thing after they had assaulted her emotionally a few times and they would own nothing, be responsible for nothing. Consequently, my daughter, by her own thinking said - that's it, I'm done. I won't allow this in my life. They did it to, but they won't do it to me. And thank you sooo much, Mother for moving away from this so I didn't grow up brainwashed.

It's sad because - they are not a part of one another now, but - the way she looks at it is - I extended myself - you violated my space and proved by your actions time and again that what I consider to be love isn't your definition, and sobeit.

My daughter is a very loving, rational young lady. Very intelligent - emotionally and otherwise. But, she thinks for herself and she stands up for herself. She is just amazed now and how things could have been - had we of stayed in that environment and it makes her shudder.

So - consider all this as you make your decisions. The fairy tale family thing of - how it should be - doesn't always equate in real time to - how it is. You may be thinking you love your child by exposing her to your mother - when in all reality - you may be hurting her in the long run.

Maybe limited contact is the key...think about boundaries and how you can implement them. And know....that she won't like boundaries - so be prepared to cinch them in and enforce them rigidly. Time to stop being a martyr....for the sake of everyone else and live your life for you and your loved ones.

September 19, 2001
7:50 am
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sue2001
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Ladeska,

Well it has finally happened and I can't help but wonder if my mother deserved everything she got. Last week she said she wanted to take Becca and give her a stable home life and I at first thought about it and then decided against it. Then after a few days we were okay again, but I sensed that something was about to give and it did. Yesterday I went to apply for a full time job instead of pursuing this agency work. Well mom blew up and decided she wasnt gonna talk to me anymore because of the location where this job was. It is located on a mountain and she said the wear and tear on my car would be too much. So I told her that these are the only people calling me for a job and I need this to get my life straight. Still she said since I wanted to do things the hard way and not her way that I was on my own and she was no longer gonna help me. As for her grandchild I asked her if she was turning her back on her too and well she had nothing to say.....Ask and ye shall recieve.....She will have to come to me this time...

September 19, 2001
11:04 am
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Ladeska
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Sue....while I really don't know the situation as far as Becca is concerned and what stable is with you or your mom, but I will give you a word of caution here. If your Mom has the desire to build a case against you regarding Becca, fueled with alot of her own stuff which more than likely has nothing to do with you at all, she could reek quite a bit of havoc concerning your motherhood and your rights to your daughter. So be very aware of that.

My mother tried to build a case against me a long time ago with full intention of having my child removed from my care. The only motivating force behind that was....the fact that she left me at age 1 1/2 with an extrememly abusive man. Thus, I was horribly abused for many years. Her guilt was tremendous when we joined up years later, but her hatred of me was even greater. Jealousy is the word I believe... I didn't see any of this coming, wish I had. I just wanted to finally be connected with my biological mom. Bad move on my part.

She sucked me into her web and proceeded to try and bring me down to her level as a mother, or so was her plan. I had left my husband at the time and had my 1 1/2 year old daughter. Interesting, isn't it? She saw this opportunity as an opening for her to now resolve her own guilty conscience by putting all of her guilt and who she is and was - onto me....so, I was the "little her" now and deserved every wicked and sneaky thing she could do to me. I was her voodoo doll that she stuck whenever she felt her own guilt. She saw my face, not hers.

Then she saw my daughter as the "little me" that was the daughter she abandoned. She saw this as a way of clearing her conscience. If she could be the savior of my daughter in some respect, rescue her from the evil mother (me) which I wasn't btw, far from it....then she could "fix" her past by role playing with the both of us.

Mind you, when people get into this mind warp - they don't see "you" anymore. You don't have rights, you don't have feelings.....you are to be used by them, for their own selfish purposes and that's that.

So, be extremely careful what you get caught up in here with your mom. You do whatever you need to do to care for yourself and to provide and care for your daugther. Your mom sounds like a spider to me and I well familiar with all that, have the scars to prove it. I don't speak to my mom now and live 3,000 miles away, which is a very good thing. I gave her 20 years of my life, trying to have the fairy tale image of having a mother and a family. Well, reality bites and I am now an orphan - by choice. I am better than these people. Damned straight. I separated myself from both sides and I could really give a rip what they all think about it. Between both sides of my family - they almost killed me, many times over again.

So, while my story - isn't your story and may not be anywhere near the same - all I can say is - use great caution with this woman....great caution.

September 21, 2001
6:10 pm
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pam g fu
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You have your life, live it. You have nothing to prove to any one.

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