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Codependents Update???
October 20, 1999
8:30 am
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hazza
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Hi everyone,
well, Ive got a little lost with how everyone is getting on, i was hoping that you could all give me an update as to how things are in regards to relationships right now. Mine has changed in many ways but there are still times when he gets angry etc. I am left feeling that I just don't know what I want for the future and without knowing, Its hard to make plans .
Have any of you come to any major decisions about it all,
I guess what im asking is once you make a stand and stop taking/allowing all the unhealthy stuff, where do you go from there?
Take care, it would be great to hear how you are doing now
Hugs
Hazza

October 20, 1999
10:44 am
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bel
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Hi Hazza,

I believe everyone is busy posting on the thread Man's Seach for Meaning which is to deep for me. I get lost in all of their contributions.....so I guess that does not say much for me huh? šŸ™‚

Anyhow I left my alcolholic unable to commit boyfriend over 5 months and am happy about that and doing good. I don't have a new relationship and at times wonder if I ever will but not dwelling on that much.

I am trying to take care of me now and get a new outlook on myself and my life. It's good to read all the postings here and some help and some don't and others well I just don't fit in. Anyhow it's good to hear from you and know that your doing better...

Take Care
Bel

October 20, 1999
11:57 am
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Anonymous
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Hi Hazza
We can talk here from now on, how about it guys??
about the codependency stuff that is:)
I am sorry you got lost Bel, i hope you dont feel insecure. All thoughts are welcome my dear, philosophical or not.
WE CAN MAKE THIS THE NEW CODEPENDENT THREAD

Ok, well as far as making any big decisions Hazza, dont do that untill you are clear enough and strong enough in yourself. It really isnt necessary to say, hey i want this loser out or I think hes working out after all. This, again is about US>
I have realised that everyone is codependent in a way. Our socieity kind of fosters it, especially for women.:(
It is up to us to redefine what bodymind health is. We need to ask ourselves, am i fulfilled in my life?
It really shouldnt be, am I fulfilled in this relationship because i have learned that our relationships MIRROR OUR TRUE SELVES, OUR DARK SELVES AND OUR EMERGING SELVES. When i say dark, i mean our shadow selves, or our cut off and denied selves.

See our relationships are our greatest teachers, and what is this relationship teaching you Hazza? everyone?
Mine is teaching me that I have some blocks to my emotional and physical wellbeing that are manifesting in my relationships (business, personal) and in my life.
If we suppress or deny these aspects of ourselves, they get bigger and bigger untill they are shouting in our bodies and in our outside world, personified within our mates, our "friends" our families and our health.
As I heal from the wounds of the past, my partner is now seeing and healing also (hasnt drank yet, tells me that is is starting to realise he is obssessive, controlling, non intimate....he is making connection for himself..those were his words) I am happy for him and for myself and family. I feel blessed. I feel as if miracles are taking place in my life. I feel lighter, happier and less fearful.I TRUST MYSELF, WHICH IS SOMETHING I COULD NEVER TRULY SAY I FELT BEFORE. I TRUST MY THOUGHTS, MY DESIRES, MY DREAMS

I am meditating and asking myself "how am i blocking myself?" YOu see we are universal channels for the energy taht makes up all things, our spirit is energy, when we block ourselves (emotionally and spiritually) we get sick in body and mind.
Suppressed emotions (anger, sadness) as well as suppressed needs and dreams and desires all contribute to weight gain, addictions, depression and emptiness that prevent us from leading fullfilling lives and contributing in the way we are naturally meant to. We need to act on our hearts/intuition and do the things that make us happy and fulfilled, just as we did as children. WE ate when we were hungry, slept when tired, cried when sad, shouted when angry, laughed when happy, played when we wanted etc....i am taking myself back to this place of pureness and am healing accordingly. I pray that you all find this as i finally am now.

October 20, 1999
12:10 pm
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lost soul
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Tears,
Good to hear that from you.:)

Hope:)

October 20, 1999
1:40 pm
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rebate
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Bel,

I am with you. This isn't suppose to be brain surgery.

Glad to hear you are getting on just fine by yourself. Once we start to appreciate our own company it makes things a lot easier.

Not to say that you won't find someone to share your life with at some point. But the world will not come to an end if you don't.

Good Luck

October 20, 1999
4:04 pm
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bel
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Hi Rebate,

Thank you for your words of encouragement, and your so right the world will not end if I stay single. I still have some bouts with lonliness and depression but they are less and less each day. I am learning not to dwell on the negatives and look to the good things in my life. The more you dwell on what you don't have the worse you feel.

Tears, yes I suffer from insecurness have all my life, that will be a tough one to fix if I can. But overall I have made good progress with my selfesteem and will continue to do so. But I know when to stay away from a subject or subjects where I will only feel foolish trying to join in. I do enjoy reading and learning and seeing others points of view though.

Bel

October 20, 1999
4:48 pm
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site coordinator
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bel,

gaining courage starts with a safe place...let us know where we can help.

You're not foolish; no one is! Foolish is a shame based word. I hope we can make this as safe from shame as possible for everyone.

Feel free to stick your neck out here, I'll do my best to help you through the fear of foolishness. Just remember, "FREE SPEECH"; within the guidelines of course šŸ˜‰

Feedback? - SC

October 20, 1999
8:06 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree, everything you have said is wonderful Bel!
No one has shamed anyone here for speaking...and hopefully that will continue

October 20, 1999
11:15 pm
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kitten
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Tears and everyone else,
I have been contributing to Man's Search with the intellectual part of me and now it is hard for me to ask for anything from any of you. Pain is not an intellectual subject. So I will speak from the scared little girl part of me. I want to die. To curl up and go into a deep sleep. Over the weekend, even tho' my lover and I couldn't be together, he did email me a great deal of the time. Sweet timid mailings after our fall out. Finally, Monday night I saw him and we made love. I was not really present because of the anger still in my gut and he knew. He wanted to please me, but I kinda pretended. He also became jealous of me and my experience with the Reiki master(???). But didn't want to talk about it. I thought I was giving him love while working thru my anger-guess I was wrong! But we did seem to work it out. Until today. He emailed me to break up. Usually I talk him out of it, but today(because of my outlook about me has changed) I told him goodbye--I can't be his friend. It's over. I loved this man. I can't imagine being without him. I think this is it. I can't take another step. The struggle has been too hard. That final candle that was burning in my heart has been blown out. The curtain has closed.

October 21, 1999
8:42 am
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rebate
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Kitten,

Sorry to hear you feel so bad. Please just take some time here. Breath. I am serious. Using deep breathing relaxation techniques and hypnosis have given me tremendous relief. Not only from the anxiety that has plagued me, but from the bleak depression I used to suffer also.

You are worth the effort. Don't hang all of your life's value on your ability to keep your partner. Look to your heart for the answers.

I agree with you about the other posts. This is suppose to be a place to talk openly about our pain and a place to heal ourselves. I am certain that noone here is going to solve the problems of the Universe!

Please take care. Come back here soon. I won't try to give you the answer to the MEANING OF LIFE, or what ever.

October 21, 1999
2:37 pm
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bel
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Site Coordinator,

Thank You for your encouragement and offer to help me overcome my low selfesteem. Actually this site helps me out alot but I am going slow with my progress. I have come a long way and am happy about that.

Bel

October 21, 1999
2:43 pm
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bel
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Tears,

I agree this site is great and a source of help and encouragment. NO one here has ever made me feel the way I feel, I make myself feel that way. I am my own worse critic, I am the one who is afraid to venture out to far for feel of falling, looking dumb or not being good enough. Or I guess I should say my former self used to think and believe that way. I am working very hard to overcome all of those feelings that I have that were driven into my mind as a child and teen. I enjoy reading all the posts, and gaining insight and strength through many of you here.

Thank You
Bel

October 21, 1999
3:02 pm
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site coordinator
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bel,

*very* glad to read your above post. that's what it's all about...being, enjoying being, being free.

- SC

October 21, 1999
7:22 pm
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Anonymous
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You are really wise when you say that no one MAKES you feel a certain way, this is owning our power and talks of self responsibility and maturity. Blessings Bel:)

October 23, 1999
10:03 am
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KTHOMAS
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Hello. I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while. I am in a withdrawl state of mind. I don't know why. I just am going through heavy stuff and I think I have shut down. But I think of all of you and check on you guys from time to time. Just not ready to share. I'll be back. Take care all of you...

October 23, 1999
12:49 pm
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daizy
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Isn't it ironic how we are our own worst enemy. Why do we torture ourselves and beat ourselves down to the point we feel we can not pick ourselves up again? I often wonder about someone other than ourselves who critisize us and how and why we handle it the way we do. Does it make a difference if it's your boss, lover, child, parent, friend, or a stranger? Does it all feel the same or are their different levels of it. What is the missing link that some of us don't have to be able to handle a blow to our ego? Why do we really care what others think - is it that we want to "fit in" with society and be as "normal" as possible. Or do we value their opinions so much that to hear critisism makes or breaks us. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? After all, when everyone has gone and we are left all alone - we have to live with ourselves. So in turn if you are alone and critisize yourself, how and why do we go on. What is it that keeps us going at our worst moment? Is there a glimmer of hope that even we can't see. How do we do it?

October 24, 1999
11:14 am
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KTHOMAS
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"Why are we so harsh on ourselves?"...we are conditioned as children to think the way we do as adults..."Can't you do anything right? What is wrong with you? Are you stupid? I wish you were never born. If you loved me then you would behave. How can you be so dumb. Etc. Etc. Etc." We are our own worse enemies sometimes...and when alone, these voices from our pasts replay in our heads.

I care what others think about me because I hope they see a better person then I see. Maybe I'm wrong...but this is my feelings on your questions. Is there a glimmer of hope...YES. Healing the past is my glimmer of hope to stop my "stinkin thinkin".

October 24, 1999
10:17 pm
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Anonymous
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YOU SMELL LIKE A ROSE TO ME KARIN, WHICH REMINDS ME OF THE SAYING "iF LOVE WERE A ROSE, GIVING IT TO ANOTHER LEAVES THE FRAGRANCE ON YOUR OWN HAND.....OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...(TERRIBLE MEMORY) YOU CAN ALSO PUT "FORGIVENESS" IN PLACE OF LOVE AND HAVE THE SAME OUTCOME:):)

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