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Codependents support group 2
October 11, 1999
7:53 pm
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kitten
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Dear tears. Okay, so I have to admit, I tried to write something four times now--and deleated it every time. I sound so silly, so whinny! The best thing to do is state the facts. Nothing but the facts, mam'. My husband did a lot of drugs. I didn't know how much till he died. I know he had a few problems when we first got married, but he went for counseling and appeared to be sober. Now that I look back, he just hid it better. For years I beat myself up for thinking my daughter's retardation was my fault, but now I know it was his crack habit. She's a beautiful girl, truly beautiful(could be a model), but she has an IQ of 50. With ADHD and a type of fetal alcohol syndrome, she will never be normal. At one point he took money left to me by my grandmother, supposedly to put in his business, but again, it went to drugs. On and on this went, through tears and promises. Nothing changed. I thought I was a good wife for standing beside him, like that country song. Now I know better, but it's too late. One day while I was at work he went into the garage, did some heroin and killed himself. Luckily I didn't find him, a friend of his did. I've never done drugs, I barely drink, so I did not know how much of a hold they took on him. He's gone and I'm trying to put my life back together for myself and my three children.
This new man is afraid of commitment-both his wife and his lady before left him for another man. His childhood
was one of poverty and abuse, with a lot of alcohol thrown in for good measure. He escaped, went to school, became sucessful, but never dealt with the past. So, together we are a battered couple. I'm trying to show him how to love and he's showing me what a stable life could be like. But, now what? He gets fearful and pulls back, while the screaming in my head gets louder. I know he needs help--something he won't do. Is his constant working, his substance of choice, just another drug? I've lost so much, I can't bear to lose anymore. My therapist assures me he will come back, this is but a part of his life drama, but will he. What if he means it this time? I saw him this morning when I went for my coffee. He knows I go there every morning at 11. He's always at work at this time. Always. I saw his car out front, but when I went in I did not see him right away. Another friend came up to talk to me(buff, early 30's), and with that he stormed out. What did I do. We're not kids, this is childish. My buff friend said my lover was PO'd, let him be. Ok, so I will, but how long will it take for him to get it through his head I'm for real and not like his wife. I've made the emtional bond with him--I can't just walk away!

October 11, 1999
10:01 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Hi Kitten...welcome. How my heart aches for the pain you are feeling. I can't tell you what is best for you or give you some advise that is going to give you the revelation of your life...only tell you what my counselor told me my first visit (only last week). She said that when a women hits her forties, she is looking within herself to find out what it really is that makes her tick. We have been mothers, wifes, etc but nothing for ourselves. She told me this is a time when I am questioning the choices I made in the past and the choices I have before me...I am learning what I want to say YES to and what I will say NO to. That this is a normal maturing process.

Your worth is not about someone else. It's about how you feel. Do you feel quilty about not being aware of the depth of your husbands' drug problem and therefore didn't do enough to save him? Are you trying to correct all the wrongs made in your marriage by not making the same mistakes in your new relationship? You say your therapist says he'll come back. I want to say this as delicatly as I can...whether he comes back or not doesn't mean you are unlovable. And although it feels as if your heart is torn to shreds...really, you will be okay. Because you are what my counselor called me..."A SURVIVOR". Unfortunatly that is not a good thing I guess according to her...because I survive instead of deal with the hurts and pain from my past.

I have no answers though I wish I did. I am only at the very tip of the iceberg in my healing. In fact I am still bleeding nonstop. You found a great place here at this site. We are all different and yet so much the same. And a bond has formed that is so much truer then the bond with my husband. He is still punishing me and trying to control me even from his cell. And the sad part is...that it is working. I am so miserable. Even though I know he's the loser...again he makes me the one to suffer. Why do I want a man that withdraws from me and punishes me with silence (when he knows how much I hate it)? Why do you? I wish I knew.

One thing that has helped me make it through each day is the age old saying: "ONE DAY AT A TIME..." And sometimes I can only get by doing it "one minute at a time". So know you are not alone...you have friends here.

October 11, 1999
11:36 pm
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Your words are so good to hear, KThomas. And very true at least in my rational mind. It is one day at a time, or one minute. But I have to tell you, at times it's hard. On my way here I passed a site tempting readers with trips New Year's Eve. My stomach lurched and I realized I'll probably be alone on the first minute of the new year, the new centuary. Alone, not with the man I loved, the man I shared the last two NYE's with. Why are we here if we don't get back the love we put out? Am I so much of a child I still believe in fairy tales. I do...I want to. To believe in the power of goodness and love. It's healing ability. I know I'm a good person, a loving person. Why then, does it seem the hardcore nasty people make out? My lover and I have broken up so many times, my young daughter has even said, "don't worry, mom, you know he's coming back. He always does". But why does he leave? Oh, enough...I can't bear to hear myself, it's the same old thing.

October 12, 1999
10:42 am
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hi kitten,
keep talking with us here, if you have read all the last posts from these threads you will see how much we all help and support each other, you will also see how each of us improves, deals with stuff and grows week by week.
this is the one place where we can all be honest and share our thoughts. Here it doesn't matter what we should feel or do, here we discuss what we are feeling even if it may not be politically correct and people here love us for what we are, no conditions.
Thast s what we all need, so please don't censor yourself here for anyone.
Take care
Hazza

October 12, 1999
1:45 pm
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I will tell you why Kitten, because you are so empty within yourself and you have put so much of your life energy into him that when he leaves you are left with nothing. In order for us to be healthy balanced human beings we need to direct our life energy first and foremost into ourselves. We need to love and nurture ourselves the best way we can untill it really starts to work and we really start to feel like someone, and others who would normally rattle our world and self with a few harsh words look foolish to us and we see them with the baggage that they are trying to dum p on us. We see things more clearly when we are self loving and when we have boundaries.
You, me, k thomas hazza, all of us at this coda group have the same problem WE WERE NOT GIVEN LOVE AS CHILDREN AND WE WERE NOT NURTURED OR SUPPORTED AS WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN AS OUR OWN SELVES, THEREFORE WE HAVE GONE OUT IN THE WORLD WITH THIS GAPING, INNER EMPTINESS THAT JUST WANTS TO BE FILLED WITH PLEASURE/LOVE FEELING THINGS..I.E FOOD, DRUGS,DYSFUNCTIONAL MEN (WHO ARE LIKE DRUGS BECAUSE OF THE PLEASURE/PAIN FACTOR), OBSSESSIONS ETC..ANYTHING THAT WILL STOP US FROM FACING THAT GAPING EMPTINESS THAT CALLS TO BE HEARD AND ACKNOWLEDGE AND FILLED...by us.. We are the only ones that can make us whole. We are the only ones that can love and trust ourselves so that we are a beacon of light for all good things to come to us. While we are the dark, empty soul we draw dark, negative experiences untill one day WE GET IT.
HEY, I NEED TO LOOK INTO THAT EMPTINESS AND FILL IT WITH THE LIGHT OF SELF LOVE AND THE DIVINE THAT IS WITHIN ME AND ALL THINGS....I AM WORTH IT,I NEED IT AND I CAN NOT TRULY GIVE LOVE OR ACCEPTANCE TO ANYONE ELSE UNTILL I FIRST OF ALL EMBODY THAT WITHIN MYSELF..
GOD BLESS

October 13, 1999
12:55 am
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KTHOMAS
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Man...I wrote a long post about my day today and it's not here!! Bummer...I wonder where it posted??? Anyway thank you guys for your prayers and thoughts...they really worked as my counselor called with an opening today instead of waiting for tomorrow. It was a super session. And tears...what you said above about the child...that was most of my session today. 🙂 Talk about being intune with one another at this site.

I am tired and just plain old exhausted. I am hitting the hay...I will share tomorrow. May you be held in the arms of angels giving you all comfort and peace.

Your friend, Karin

October 13, 1999
1:15 am
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Anonymous
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bless u karin.

October 13, 1999
3:07 pm
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gmc
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this is my first meeting

October 13, 1999
5:09 pm
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hi gmc, welcome sweetee tell us a little bit about yourself.

October 14, 1999
12:41 am
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kitten
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tears, Sorry to jump around, this actually feels like the place to be. Explain what you mean by negative thoughts? Sometimes I believe they are so subtle I don't catch them. For example; when I saw the Reiki master the other day, he said..."you are a beautiful woman". Aparently as soon as he said it my hands went behind my back and I started biting my lip. Guess I wanted to be funny. Instead my energy changed and I became nervous. Somewhere I got the message I was not beautiful, a message that was reinforced my whole life.
To be honest I never felt beautiful until the past two years or so(I'm really kind of an odd combination of ethnic looks). Is that what you mean? I know this sounds childish, but I've been taking care of people for so long I don't give my feelings top priority. Only those that spring up when I'm sad. Can you help me with more examples? That way I can start doing some serious work!

October 14, 1999
2:06 am
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Change your thinking, change your life.......thats what did it for me, oh and faith in a higher power/my higher self...self love and trust.
We often have been in such negative patterns and running such negative tapes in our heads for so long that we just dont realise what the hell we are telling ourselves. I had a lot of anxiety, caretaking, phobia (small amount), panic, stress, depression etc..results from abuse and neglect as a child and later abuse from my partners.
When we are afraid or in panic or doing our drama thing with our mate..stop and ask yourself "what am i telling myself?" take deep breaths and go to write this down or really make yourself aware of the true info that you are feeding your soul.
Often it is shocking what we tell ourselves or believe. A lot are the words our parents used to say to us as children, our mates say to us, kids at school who bullied us said to us............lift of this heavy baggage by becoming concious of it and ask yourself "Is this really realistic?" (the though)
Is this really a truth? Then write out the truth the fact. Also affirmations are very important, believable ones and daily practice makes perfect. YOu'll get there kitten.

October 14, 1999
9:59 am
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kitten
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I wasn't going to write this morning, but something in Hope's thread caught my eye. All of you are so willing to call each other by such terms of emotion: lovee, baby, sweety. when I see that the tears start to flow. My lover calls me those things, but no one else does or ever did. I do that for my children and friends all the time. Are those little words a way of confirming lovability? It's almost like an affectionate stroke. So, in order to grow into a healthy human being we need a daily dose of "honey"?

October 14, 1999
12:36 pm
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It is a wonderful thing that happens here Kitten, you see women like you, me and the others here can identify so closely with one another that we feel like we have known each other intimately, as a dear loved one. I also feel it is our way of showing ourselves love. for in you i see me, do you get my meaning. It is also a powerful thing that is taking place here that I can not explain but i find is so rewarding and blessed. We care about you and each other and ourselves. This is a place to love ourselves. hugs

October 14, 1999
12:38 pm
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Love is the most important thing we all need as human beings to heal and grow. This is what we should of received from babyhood on but because our own caretakers lacked love, they could not give it.
We are all in essence taking baby steps toward a healthy, rewarding life of love, support, nurturing and living (not surviving) Its as if we are all learning to walk. Blessings

October 15, 1999
1:34 pm
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kitten
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Okay, I have a question. A very wise woman once said to me: Only a woman can truly love another woman. Now, she did not mean sexually, but rather. spiritually, emotionally, etc. We can have our loving relationships with men, but they will never give us the comfort or total acceptance that a woman can. Almost like the nuturing that a loving mother gives. She told me to stop asking a man to give those things to me that a woman gives, because he does not know how! What do you think? Not that this means we let men off the hook and allow them to not give, but we seek each other out for that unconditional acceptance. In my past history, I've had mostly men as friends, few women. When I would have a boyfriend I treated differently than my male friends--I expected him to be there like what one
expects of a female friend. Doesn't work. Since no woman is an island, aren't other woman the bridge that is there to the mainland, or to other islands? This is a very large awakening for me--I need all of you! And I want to give to all of you. It has always been hard to ask for help...I thank you for your giving!

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