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Codependents support group 2
October 1, 1999
6:00 pm
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cynical
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Is this site only for complaining and moaning? Taking crap from others is better than being alone? I think not. I am not a miserable creature in pain. Although I have been in situations like some of you, I have learned to rise above. Cut me down all you want if it will make you feel better, but I doesnt change your situation. Askme, as you said its getting worse for you, so I ask you, what are you going to do to change your life? If I had no family, I would make friends, join a church if i wasnt in one already. There are others ways to get support. If I had no money, and there have been plenty of times where I had none, I would get a job. I have been on welfare, so I know how it is. It only made me get up and out faster. Stop being so miserable and do something. Otherwise these things will go on and on. What will it take to stand up and be strong. What about moving into a shelter to help you get away and get back on your feet and in control again? Why not just walk away? Can it get any worse, any lower than what you're going through now? Or is that just too easy a solution? God helps those who help themselves.

October 1, 1999
11:02 pm
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KTHOMAS
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I'm sorry cynical that we all can't be as strong as you say you are. We will get there. It takes time. Yes there is always alternatives out there...some work for others and some don't. I too have been on welfare and had to lean on strangers for support. Those programs don't always come through these days. It's true...we can be hurt and abused as much as we allow ourselves to be...you are right. I know this...and I am sorry that last night was a night of complaints. Sometimes it just feels good to say it in a place that is safe and you know that your family or coworkers or whatever won't see it. Because in our real worlds we need to be positive and strong...the doubts and weakness has to go somewhere. I know that there is more for me out there and that I must change the way I think of myself before I can release the unhealthy patterns I keep letting myself get involved in. I am going to my first counseling appointment the sixth of this month. It seems so far away....we are trying...there is always more to the story then just a post here and there. I will hold my head up again and so will others.

October 1, 1999
11:42 pm
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searching
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We all need to have a place to get our feelings out. Cynical you seem to need the same thing otherwise you wouldn't be here if we all were just a bunch of whiners. Man, don't you have a life? There are other threads on this board that are more upbeat so maybe if this is too much for you go there. There is the thread "Knowing you are on the right path." That is a good one for people with a topic about doing better. In fact there are other places on the whole internet for you to go if you don't like the way feelings are handled here.

Go forth and prosper girl(boy) 🙂

Stomping on feelings is not going to change too many people here. Most have already had their feelings stomped on many times. Don't need it here too.

I know I have learned a lot from my venting. Obviously the people here want to be here and feel that it is good for them. Live and let live please.

October 2, 1999
8:50 pm
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askme
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cynical i have a job all i earned was stolen.. im suppose to stay in house per lawyer.. but i have to stay in here told me not to leave period.. I was managing my money.. waiting for lawyer told me what i could do with check from work.. so put in travelors in my name only he stoled them period..I didnt deserve none of this period. I work hard .. im doing overtime to keep above water and yes making friends.. But they take time to get that kind of support . Friend dont always mean the have money .. And usu they are not if they doo.. I always find ways till mine manipulates and does thes manipulations

October 3, 1999
1:31 am
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searching
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Wow, what a day today. Went to my first therapy session. At the time I thought it was ok. No big deal and maybe I should still keep looking. He wasn't bad but you know, no big connection.

Wow, was I wrong. Got home and all the stuff he asked me about my childhood started churning. I got really depressed. Wow. Then I started trying to call friends, but that didn't help. Then I started trying to do his worksheets for when I get this way and to my surprise it worked. I had an epiphany :). I figured out something that I never realized before about why I get this way. It hurt and it was hard but it was really worth the revelation. I am happy right now.

Oh and I found tons of really good leads on groups that I might want to join. Great night.

Just sharing. Take care all.

October 3, 1999
2:01 pm
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Anonymous
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That is great news Searching, great news girl!
Yes, when i get really down, i do my cognitive stuff and realise that all my negative thoughts come down to a core issue, then i counteract this core issue with a realistic statement and it weakens every time, amen.
Sounds like you are doing the same, blessings Searching

October 5, 1999
1:16 pm
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askme
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hello guy.. guess what got a call from legal assistant at abuse center say my attourney isnt knowlegible in the area and they dont think i should stay or have to and can file a petition to make him leave me alone.. We will see.. Ive already secured my attourney so i dont know what to do now.. let you know how things are going chat at you later. He said if you think your going to go after money in house then will recover money from what his mom has paid for farm taxes.. Guess what they manipulated back then giving mom stuff was suppose to be our machinery we paying it but she sold it all and watched us sink.. Not till after everyone came after us did she decide to help .. Already wounded by it all and we had to move tail end behind our legs.. So hes not nice at all.. Said you better think about it.. a threat again... I told him im not nasty but my lawyer is there to protect me since he has not. Hes not to be trusted. And im just doing what lawyer tells me too. After all he would leave me like trash in the sewer if he could.. well take care all. tis a battle here hope you all are doing well..

October 5, 1999
2:58 pm
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Anonymous
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wow askme, good for you, stay strong!!!!!!!!
YOu are doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hugs

October 5, 1999
6:41 pm
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Jaskid
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Tears,

Why am I such a baby?... I ask God please just let me feel half-way descent today so I can make it through without a headache. I usually do what I have to do... feed my girls... change diapers... hug them... everything else just seems too overwhelming at times!! I always make a plan in my head and I get excited about it then something happens to discourage me and I become like a vegetable... Sometimes I know it is only God who gives me the strength just to get out of bed! I want to feel good about myself... oh I am so tired oh my mood swings!

Jaskid

October 5, 1999
6:54 pm
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Anonymous
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i know how you feel jaskid, especially with small children. Please talk to your doc to see if hormones may be playing a part (they can do tests) and then consider that YOUR needs are just as IMPORTANT AS THEIR NEEDS. I know what its like to put family first and say "oh, I will do that thing for me tomorrow and tomorrow never comes" then we dont really realise how our passions and our needs and our dreams are falling by the way side and time is relentless. We know we are not happy but we dont know why, because we forget.......WE FORGET OURSELVES. I hope you understand.

October 5, 1999
6:57 pm
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Anonymous
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oh and Jaskid, you really need to quit with the negative self talk...I have heard you say so many bad things about yourself, this is self abuse and is HARMFUL please try to pin up some positive affirmations on your bathroom mirror and say them each morning before you start the day.....believable ones. blessings

October 5, 1999
10:18 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Hello all...everyone seems to be okay. Great. So I'm more lucid...what does that mean? I'm feeling alot of anger right now. I don't know why. I got two beautiful lettters from my husband from jail today. he says he's not going to blow it again and that maybe because he was adopted as a baby or because his adoptive mom died almost three years ago...he's been walking around feeling abandoned and all that. Maybe I feel abandoned!!! My mom died when I was eleven and my dad just five years ago. Tomorrow is (was) his birthday...I miss him. Even if he was a lousy father he was still my daddy. I want a mom to put my head in her lap and tell me everything is going to be okay...maybe this is why i am so angry. Forgive me if I am offending anyone out there...seems like i do that all the time...I never mean to...my anger i think is really directed at myself. I go to counseling tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. Man...I don't even know where to begin with this lady. At the beginning when I was first molested (3 yrs old) or what I'm going through with my husband? Or that I couldn't protect my own daughter and she was molested at 13 yrs old (I but that bas****d away for a few years), or that all my life i've had to be responsiable (been a parent since the age of 16) and I just want someone else to take charge for a change but i don't know how to let go of the control. Because no one ever protected me. Not ever...I was molested repeatly by different people until the age of thirteen. And that was because I finally realized what was going on. I always thought it was me that gave off some signal...i know that's not true...but why else would it happen to me so many times and by so many different people? Man am i depressing or what! Sorry...i say that word all the time.."sorry". I am always sorry. Sorrry to dump on you guys...i'm just really scared right now...what if i don't like this counselor...what if she thinks i'm a freak...or i can't open up and let this ugly monster out of me. I've been screaming inside for so many years and no one ever hears it. No one. And if they even get a glimpse...they back away...so I hid her. The angry angry little girl that just wants to be loved. I just want to be loved. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better....Good night.

October 6, 1999
12:16 am
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Anonymous
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wow that was a great session thomas, that'll be 200.00 please..smiles
You will do great, dont be afraid to show the anger at all the crap that has been put on YOu and made you feel as if it was YOUR fault because it wasnt it was THEIR garbage. Let the monster out, let the lonely girl out so we can all give her a hug. YOu did not deserve any of that horror, you are an angel just waiting to be loved. I love you Kthomas. Your friend, tears.

October 8, 1999
10:03 am
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askme
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hey KTHOMAS (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) i agree with tears not your fault. Stop kicking yourself.. Youll be just fine.. no one hates you and you my dear are on a start to recovery...Youll still have very depressin day up an downs. Its great to talk get those feeling out.. Its not them it you beating up you and not loving you.. KNOW What it gets better. A counselor will help you make sure you hear it.. That its not your fault.....Your great....Yes a angel for sure.. Go to counseling you need to address it and let it come out.. Others dont want to address because its hard for them also. Makes them uncompfortable.. Once you address it and let anger out.. you will start accepting you loving you long road but its worth it.. Hang in there were all here for you!!!!!

October 8, 1999
11:22 am
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Anonymous
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And for you K thomas, you are a great inspiration and a heroic woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bless you!!!!!!!!

October 8, 1999
11:52 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Wow...thank you tears and askme. What angels you two are. I'm not ready to be called a heroic woman. Makes me uncomfortable...like I'm something I'm really not. But thank you again. Askme...I wrote about my counseling experience on magic mushroom thread. Sorry I keep jumping from thread to thread. I will try to say here. I just wrote on the where is everyone thread too. 🙂 Sorry. Anyway...I do know I will be okay...and there will be great days and horrific days. And there will be things I don't want to take out and look at...but I must. Finally I need to clean the garbage out...It's just that it's been a part of me for soooo long that it feels like I'll be giving some of me up. Sounds strange but that's what I've been thinking today. I wonder what it will be like to feel good "inside"? I never have. Only surface stuff if you know what I mean. I am already counting down to Wed for my next session. I wonder what it'll be like now that I spilled my guts to her. One day at a time...one thing I do know is that there is a God and he is in charge of my life and I must just give him control...and one day I will. One day I will feel safe enough to trust and let go.

Going to hop in bed with my son to eat popcorn and watch a disney flick. 🙂 Talk to you all tomorrow.

God Bless...........Karin

October 8, 1999
11:55 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Oops...I guess I didn't post on the where is everyone thread...oh well...like I said I will try to stick to this one but they are all so cool....

🙂 🙂 🙂 because you are all so cool.

October 9, 1999
12:07 pm
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Anonymous
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lol Karin
you are an earth angel!
I am so amazed at how strong you really are, and what brilliant choices you are making, you are really infused with the divine and listening girl!!!!!!!!!!
yippeeee

October 10, 1999
11:12 am
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KTHOMAS
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Well...yesterday turned out to be not so great. My husband was having a bad day and because he couldn't reach me at home (out with my son for the day) he was "worried" and upset. So his whole tone was negative and it really brought me down. Funny how that happened. It's not my fault he's there and he even said it's not and that the way he was feeling was his problem and yet it still effected me. Strange...how others emotions seem to jump on to ours. So I ended up going to sleep a little depressed because no matter how we tried my husband and I couldn't shake the harsh edge from our voices and therefore communicating love was just absent. Even though the words were said the feelings were absent. He usually calls me early each morning and thus far no call. It is very possible that he is unable since he is at the guards mercy but still I feel again as though he is punishing me for my behavior again. He used to do that to me when he was out of jail and we were separated for his binges. He just wouldn't call and I always felt that it was his way to punish and hurt me.

I guess you could say I have started this day a bit down too. What is that saying..."one step forward two steps back"? That is how I am feeling at this moment. I say moment because I seem to live moment by moment anymore. Emotions are a roller coaster...very up up up or very down down down. When will they ever level off???????????? Someday...I know...I know...but for now...I don't feel so divine or infused. Later.

October 10, 1999
2:07 pm
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Karin, honey, take it ONE day at a time, as you heal life will even out and wont be such a roller coaster ride for you

October 11, 1999
10:53 am
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kitten
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dear kthomas

I feel as though I'm intruding in what seems to be a very tight-knit group. I'm new to this whole thing and don't know where to start. When you said you wish you had a mother so you could put your head in her lap and hear that everything is going to be okay...well, that made the tears start to roll. My mother(my beautiful, cool, talented mother) never said she loved me or kissed me on the lips until the night before she died. She always kept me at arms length. so what do I do? I look for a man just like good ole mom. My first husband wanted me until the babies started to come, then all he wanted was to get high. After years of emotional abuse he finally killed himself. I was alone and because I never shared any of my pain with anyone, people blamed me. He appeared to be a great guy, and he was until he got home. After a year I met another man coming out of a relationship(wife left him for best friend) and we made a connection. Every three months we break up--getting back together after a week. He's a writer, the creative sort-very emotional. I'm a grad student in psychology. We're both forty. Both very smart. I love him, he loves me.
Or does he? We had a fight last night--he has to handle a family problem(his mother) and he can't see me. When I press for information, right away he goes into his rap: everything is changing, I'm changing, we have to discuss this. I don't know if we broke up or what. How can I do this, never knowing when the abandoment will come? Yet, when things are good they're the best--unlike anything I've ever known or thought possible. I've always had to be a warrior, always fighting to keep things together. The name kitten is just an ironic joke on my part. This time I don't know if I can hold it together. I've even sarted to think about taking my own life, but on a practical side, I know I can't until the two year clause in my insurance contract is up. Then, if I do, my children will be taken care of...Is he coming back? Do I want him back? I am scared! How do I go on?

October 11, 1999
11:35 am
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Oh my god kitten, you poor beautiful woman. I know the pain of emotional neglect, trying to love someone as cold as ice. My mother, well i cant remember her hugging or kissing me at all. My father was violent, distant and uncaring also, I married a mixtureo of the two.
YOu are still trying to love loveless people, your writer friend being one of them (being artistic is no excuse for being indifferent and unloving)
Honey, we are glad you joined us here AND WE ALWAYS WELCOME NEW PEOPLE, YES WE HAVE GROWN TIGHTKNIGHT BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW EACH OTHER IS FEELING AND WE ALL LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER HERE, INCLUDING YOU KITTEN.
You call yourself such because you are as gentle and in need of love as one, and you will find it with our help and the help of a counsellor my dear.
Please do not entertain thoughts of suicide when your children and we need you so much
We care and we want to hear all about the pain so that you can release it and open room up for the healing and joy taht will be yours...promise.
God bless you Kitten

October 11, 1999
2:08 pm
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kitten
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Thank-you, tears! It's hard to believe people would care about me, especially those that don't have to. I'm not having a good day, but will try to keep checking back here. I want to open up, to be honest, but I come from a family where we were taught to keep a stiff upper lip.

October 11, 1999
4:32 pm
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VRJ
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kitten, please read 'He's scared, She's scared'. It sounds like 'fear of commitment'. And it's very confusing, hurtful and destructive. No blame on him but recognition is needed, on both your parts. It also sounds like 'Adult Children of (Alcoholics/Dysfunction) and codependency. There are lots of us here in similar situations.

October 11, 1999
4:56 pm
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Dear Kitten
I care about a lot of these women here who have slowly become my friends. We have never met each other but we have revealed some of the most intimate details of our lives, psyches, hopes, dreams and greatest fears.
Are you from a British family? I know all about the "stiff upper lip thing" well if it werent for our emotions we wouldnt be human, and you are so to hell with the stiff upper lip programe, that doesnt work for us!!!
Open up girl, there is NOTHING you can say here that will shock us or one of us doesnt identify with really. Take a chance on us and on you, and your life
We love you.
Blessings

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