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Codependents support group 2
September 11, 1999
9:59 pm
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HI
Welcome to our Virtual Coda Group
Everyone who feels they may be exhibiting codependent characteristics within their relationships. The following is a list of just such traits:Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
My mental attention is focused on you
My mental attention is focused on protecting you
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
I am not aware of how you feel. I am aware of how you feel
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
I put my values aside in order to connect with you
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

September 12, 1999
9:41 am
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oh tears!
i've told him to go! its so hard but last night he went partying and took coke, that was one firm boundarie of mine -no coke and he knew it. I laid into him bad, it makes me feel bad but he has to go.
hope im strong enought to cope.
wish me luck!
Hazza

September 12, 1999
2:03 pm
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Your happiness and peace of mind depends on YOU getting it together girl, not him. Set an example for him, honor YOURSELF!

September 12, 1999
3:32 pm
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Hazza im in same situation its hard and i hope i am to strong enought but im starting to find me. And relize there is life without someone that causes me misery. good luck to you. Hang in there and fight for you!

September 12, 1999
4:21 pm
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I started this new thread because the other one was taking too long to download.
Lets just continue on as we were.

September 13, 1999
3:41 pm
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Hi All,

Great thread you have going. I'm just jumping in to bring this back to the top above the old Codependency support thread.

- SC

September 13, 1999
4:53 pm
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thanks for the compliment s.c and I must say "Great site you have going!"

September 15, 1999
9:09 pm
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September 16, 1999
8:05 am
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ruya
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HI TEARS,
i've written on the old thread. do you visit both? he's being very sweet now. he is buying time i think, wants to be financiallyindependent before he takes my kid away from me. pls. keep writing. i thank you somuch for your input. you have given me strength and hope.
ruya.

September 16, 1999
9:17 am
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hi tears, askme, ruya and everyone else.
thanks for your words of support, they have helped so much. I spent most of the weekend telling him everything he has done that has hurt me, and he sat there and took most of it, i think some part of him understood and felt some remorse. Eventually he had enough of me going on and lost his temper and pushed me so i slapped him round the face so HARD and told him never touch me again or he will be SO sorry. We even laughed about it becuase i told him how much i enjoys hitting him! (i dont know if that was a healthy conversation or a deeply inhealthy one!) The point was i was no longer afraid of him leaving, i told him he must get a job, he must give me some money towards rent, he gave me half then and there so i put it in my purse and said thanks and went to the store later and bought myself some luxuries for ME with it, just chocolate, toilettries and so on. He told me he was stopping drinking, but i said good but i've heard it all before, i will take a long time for me o belive it. He is very angry because he feels that i am persecuting him! but he knows what i say is true, if he had ever wanted to change i would have been there for him, but he always blames everyone else. We are now just trying to be civil to each other, i think if he does want to change it wont happen if i keep on telling him how shit he is, so i must stop now and see if he keeps his word. Each time he shows any signs of anger, i tell him it is not acceptable and look him straight in the eye.
I know he will leave as soon as he finds work, im sure he is the scared one now, but i dont care. if it is meant to be then it will happen and he will change back to the nice side of his personality and respect me, if not then so what, i have finally got a good relationship with my family, they are helping with my other problem of the agoraphobia, so if he dont care so what?
I have no money, no job my future is scary but for once i just have to let it go and stop worrying, I do have have a family who will help me through and house me through this, i dont have any kids and im not married to him. I realise how much easier this makes things for me when i read your stories and all the PRACTICAL problems you guys face on top of the emotional ones, i feel that this is the first time in my life when i have had had that security, i've never before had family support, i feel duty bound to stop taking this crap once and for all.
I have had no luck in getting any help(doctors etc ) for my phobias, they are my real problem right now so, all my time in going into ME, i need to be free of these fears that keep me housebound. I explained that to him and told him i can devote no more time to him unless he helped himself.
If it wasnt for this group and especially you tears and askme, i think i would have been blind to so much of what was going on, thank you so much and i wish you so much luck and strenghth in your battles!
Askme, i had such good visions of you removing the door! way to go! it gave me strenght when he was trying to bully me just thinking of that! you desrve so much more than that, dont worry abut your daughter, she is a teenager, i was terrible at that age. maybe she is afraid of whats going to happen and she reacts with anger, the mealtime routine will help, show her tha you are bringing order back into a chaotic household, let her know how much you love her, dont worry too much it normal a her age for her to be slamming doors not for your husband to be locking them!
Good luck askme, listen to legal advise now, not his scare tactics or your own fears and fight for you and your kids. You are a tough cookie to take all this and keep working too, i understand that you may feel that if you take time out now to care for you you will fall apart, that happened to me so i know, but it wont be long now so keep being tough till you have your life bak again and then you can relax and reward yourself and you kids with a rest- free for fear.
Tears, are you still with your partner? you seem so much like you have already got through to the other side of many of the co-dependency issues, sorry if im being nosy but how are things with you now?what changes did you make, it helps so much hearing other peoples experiences in these things.
Ruya, you are only as far away as you are from your keyboard right now, that is the beauty of the internet, like askme i think you need legal advice if you are worried about your child, good luck to you and keep writing here.
Well big hugs to all of you! im going out with my mum tonight( that wiped the smile of his face!) i start my college course next week(only one morning a week but its a start to get me back into the "outside world") and in 3 week i go to CANADA!!!! i think i will die of fear but im still gonna do it, so wish me luck!
I am staring to remember ME. i couldn't have done it without you guys and his group so thanks again
Take care
Hazza

September 16, 1999
11:02 am
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god hazza im crying real tears for you right now..
I am so happy for you, I feel this warm glow in my heart that also brings me healing knowing that i was part of your breakthrough. When we have phobias, stress and anxiety, it is because we feel so seperated from our true self and society. We all feel very lonely like no one cares, the support you are getting from your family is so important and so healing.
I am ecstatic for you. You have come a long way Hazza!
Please do not go back. A step back and a few steps forward is normal, but do not think that your happiness depends on him getting over his addiction, it never has and never will. YOu are creating your own happiness now, the socialising with your college class will do wonders for your self esteem as well as the little steps you take towards inner strength. When you worry (which is so easy to do when our minds have been in this state for so long) thought stop yourself and say "what am i telling myself right now?" Is this really realistic? What is the worse that could happen, realistically. I have found so much of my fears were completely unfounded and the worse never happens and then we think back in retrospect and say "god, what a waste of time worrying like that...and at the same time creating my worst fears by dwelling on the negative"
Our worst fears are always a 100 times worse. If we put our powerful mind energy on the positive, we will see positive results. This is so true, I can tell you from personal experience.
I am still with my partner because he has also made concrete efforts to change and grow. We will begin sleeping together at the end of this month again, hopefully that will be a positive experience.
We have been in seperate bedrooms for a couple of yrs.
It has been very hard on our relationship.
I no longer feel that if he left i would die. But I also no longer feel that he has to leave for me to heal, if you know what i mean.
I no longer play the persecutor or martyr. Things have become a lot more smooth flowing, ordinary if you will. No more drama or chaos. We are both looking after our own needs, no longer blaming the other for our unhappiness. He still has his moments, I feel I am further along than him, but I am willing to stick it out because I have seen such positive improvement in our marriage and in myself.
I went out for dinner with my sponsor the other night, it was a very positive experience.
We (codependents) tend to really alienate ourselves. This is NOT a good thing. We need others. Socialising and having friends and family are crucial in our recovery, crucial..
Codependency does not just go away like that, it is always a challenge to check our coda traits, but it does become easier. We create new brain patterns and ways of RESPONDING not REACTING. God bless you Hazza and everyone else, I hope ASkme is ok. She is at the hardest point, but she needs to stay strong.
I have found particular strength, in fact i must say MIRACLES in maintaining my faith in my higher power/ god through the worst times as well as the pretty good times. It is important to believe in this universal connectedness of us as people in god, because it is true. I have experienced and witnessed miracles, and I am NOT a religious person.
blessings

September 16, 1999
9:50 pm
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Askme is still kicking guys. IS in and out. But you know what im glad i told his sister . They have no idea what he pulls including the christmas money grandma sent for kids. Not spent on kids spent on him and him making me take it from estate to pay christmas infact wasnt sure having christmas that year. Im a survivor having very much difficulties right now. My oldest is making it really tough on me. I went through hell last year and went for some rides. Got lost a few times didnt know where i was driving . Had to stop call him to pick up my daughter was time high stress and when he took all money away and manipulation with abuse at it highest. I guess i wasnt always right on time for pickup but had also forgot lots. I almost lost my job at that time. She holds this against me and being nasty to me. Selfish. Told me if i dont stay in house will not go with me. The one with a house gets her. She would not be accepted at school if lived in apartment complex . I have not choice then i said that is your choice i dont have money for all this. But i will not continue to live in pain with him in the basement comming up invading my privacy creating more hurt. I dont believe this will work. Need to sever and need to be on own my rules and my life. work on my pain healing and growning and getting self respect back .. gotta go talk at you guy later

September 16, 1999
9:50 pm
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Askme is still kicking guys. IS in and out. But you know what im glad i told his sister . They have no idea what he pulls including the christmas money grandma sent for kids. Not spent on kids spent on him and him making me take it from estate to pay christmas infact wasnt sure having christmas that year. Im a survivor having very much difficulties right now. My oldest is making it really tough on me. I went through hell last year and went for some rides. Got lost a few times didnt know where i was driving . Had to stop call him to pick up my daughter was time high stress and when he took all money away and manipulation with abuse at it highest. I guess i wasnt always right on time for pickup but had also forgot lots. I almost lost my job at that time. She holds this against me and being nasty to me. Selfish. Told me if i dont stay in house will not go with me. The one with a house gets her. She would not be accepted at school if lived in apartment complex . I have not choice then i said that is your choice i dont have money for all this. But i will not continue to live in pain with him in the basement comming up invading my privacy creating more hurt. I dont believe this will work. Need to sever and need to be on own my rules and my life. work on my pain healing and growning and getting self respect back .. gotta go talk at you guy later

September 16, 1999
9:50 pm
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Askme is still kicking guys. IS in and out. But you know what im glad i told his sister . They have no idea what he pulls including the christmas money grandma sent for kids. Not spent on kids spent on him and him making me take it from estate to pay christmas infact wasnt sure having christmas that year. Im a survivor having very much difficulties right now. My oldest is making it really tough on me. I went through hell last year and went for some rides. Got lost a few times didnt know where i was driving . Had to stop call him to pick up my daughter was time high stress and when he took all money away and manipulation with abuse at it highest. I guess i wasnt always right on time for pickup but had also forgot lots. I almost lost my job at that time. She holds this against me and being nasty to me. Selfish. Told me if i dont stay in house will not go with me. The one with a house gets her. She would not be accepted at school if lived in apartment complex . I have not choice then i said that is your choice i dont have money for all this. But i will not continue to live in pain with him in the basement comming up invading my privacy creating more hurt. I dont believe this will work. Need to sever and need to be on own my rules and my life. work on my pain healing and growning and getting self respect back .. gotta go talk at you guy later

September 19, 1999
11:07 pm
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Wow were did everyone go? Just wanted you to know your support is much welcome. Im starting to kick. Its very hard with him here in house still . When he leaves i take charge of my own life. Im doing ok and seeing a lawyer this week. Starting therapy at abuse center. It amazing how much of my money i earned was being ciphered from me. Probably going to other woman or to other hid things beside computer. He really is invading my privacy and need to stay in basement . Cant stand sight of him. Angers me still. He has no respect for me by doing what he agreed upon. I will find out from lawyer what options are. His computer in basement said went down and has been upstairs to this one . Make me so angry. He has one downstairs and one at work that he wont bring home. Guess if he does maybe think courts will take it. I wonder how much other stuff hes hiding up to now. Your absolutely right i deserve better. Well hope your all doing well and wanted to say thanks for all your support. Your right i dont think i need anyone once past the divorce and get on my own. As long as he dont cremate me so i cant finacially make it nor try take my kids. Doing nasty things. I think ill make it once on my own.. THANK YOU PS sorry about the triple posting i dont know what i did.

September 19, 1999
11:29 pm
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GREAT ASKME! lET US KNOW HOW IT GOES WITH THE LAWYER AND THE ABUSE THEREAPY. YOu are a great inspiration and a wonderful woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 20, 1999
11:18 am
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Hi askme, good job! go to hell those stupic guys. do not know how to treasure what they have.
Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 20, 1999
11:20 am
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Yes you are a real treasure and another true hero!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can do it, we believe in you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 20, 1999
11:34 am
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hi askme
keep strong, not long now, we are all with you
bigs hugs from me!!!
Hazza

September 20, 1999
11:48 am
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Tears,
thanks so much for the support, things are wierd now, he is starting to look for a job, has given me some money and told me he will pay rent next month.
I really don't feel anything much right now i just feel numb, like i cant plan for the future or anything, i think we are both just waiting to see what happens, to see if we can get on again or not.
i will keep you posted as to what happens
start college course tommorrow!!!!!!
see ya
hazza

September 20, 1999
3:21 pm
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honey dont wait for anyone or anything, let it be...just MAKE your life happen. I have a hunch he will follow, if not you will be to inspired, happy and on path to be crushed in the way you were before.

September 20, 1999
8:03 pm
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that is NOT to be crushed in the way you were before..oops

September 21, 1999
9:12 am
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Hey guys im doing great. Yesterday he had audosity to im me on the computer to tell me he forgot the order form for daughters instrument hes been promising that morning which hes had known long long time and been out having fun weekend ect . WAnted me to call them order it, make a check out in main account for his name . When he did that i im'd him back and said. No way you are responsible for that. You made a promise to her this am you would order it, if you left it you come home and get it. Also said no way im making out a check that might bounce and have me get in trouble . He will be responsible for his behaviors. Im not his donkey. Went to therapy and we talked about it.. She asked me how i felt about it said felt great! Im not taking responsiblity for his promises anymore as i have done in past . Use to feel i owe it to my daughter no he does. He made the promise. Period. She congradulated me and told me i was a very strong woman to endure all i have my life BUT I HAVE. That was the point i have endured! Stand up and look ladies what weve been through was hell and we endured it. Still surviving . Give ourselfs credit! Ive got long way to go but im going to make it. Last night he was upstair violating my space and on this computer. Said he was helping his daughter. Yeah right he left and what i found was a picture of him and his lover i believe when he went back home. LOL i said right out loud to my daughter in the room hey (my daughter) there she is. His girlfriend . Shes ugly and i agreed. And it didnt bother me. I laughed and went on with my business. My daughter told me i was sick . Guess i was curious. I said nope im just over him and it dont bother me. My feeling were he left me to break my heart but my heart didnt its healing and is going forward. i look back and wonder why i ever allowed that. He never had that right to treat me that way. I want more and deserve more. I Went to get up and he was standing on stairs an he quickly walked down stairs as if he wasnt . LOL he was listening for tears heartbreak that was me before he left to go see her. But he didnt get it. Later he told girls he dont have girlfriend LOL they all seen the note maybe she dumped him. Oldest and 3rd child saw it and said ewwwwwwww. Maybe he wasnt sly enough or been in rut so long that his true selfish abuseive behaviour showed through but that i doubt . He still getting on this am and late last night typing away. Violating my space again. This am I was just in the kitchen went ohh baby i love you.. Ohh cant wait till next time .. Pant pant then i left. I reminded him hes suppose to be in basement like hes suppose to and agreed upon. He got angry said this is my house and ill go where i dam well please. If he thought i was going to crumble im not. In addition to all this he promised my 2nd daughter he would go take her to get hair cut. I said that would be good. He didnt show. Today she was talking to me and her sister and said dad was taking her freind to gaddyland for her birthday. I told her i would not be home friday night and was arrange with him. My oldest said " You cant count on him".. I hope she is wrong . He also said she couldnt let kids stay in basement he needed his sleep. So hes rather presumptious again on me and takign care him. i work 3-12 hour shift and my bottom will be hanging . But you know what. I will enjoy watching the girls have fun. LOL He thought it was dumping not at all. Maybe i can find something like spook story or game that would be fun . Any ideas? Also if its night maybe ill put up tent for them theyd have a blast in back yard. Take care you all its not over yet and ill have bad days but its a start! And remember. WE INDURED AND SURVIVED . WITH ALL THE DISMISE DEMORALIZATION AND PHYSICAL ABUSE. FACT IS WERE STILL KICKING . NOT EVERYONE COULD HAVE. AND THOSE THAT DONT FEEL YOU CAN YOU WILL ! GET UP AND DONT TAKE THAT . SMALL STEPS AT FIRST BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. DONT THINK WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN BUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU TODAY. NOT what might he do to me later. ONE day at a time. Take care you all. Thanks for the support. 🙂 Ill be back! (((((hugs to you all))

September 21, 1999
12:24 pm
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Askme, im glad that you are getting on with your life somewhat, but I am worried about you.
Are you seeing that counsellor like you need to be?
Honey, if he is having an affair in your home under your nose and the children are aware of it (i dont think you should be involving them that way or turning them against their father askme, it hurts them) then you should gather this evidence, get to a lawyer immediately and get a legal seperation. He will have to leave the family home.
See that lawyer girl, god bless.

September 21, 1999
12:44 pm
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Askme, please buy this book "women who love too much" by christine Northrup, it will help you so much. Blessings. You are a strong woman, and you will make it, but please do not suppress or deny the feelings of extreme hurt and anger you feel towards your husband. blessings

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