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CoDependent?
February 15, 2000
1:46 am
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tilley
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I had a friend mention the fact that I might be codependent. This friend used to go to CODA so I tried to take a look at it. However, i am lost as to what the definition of codependent is and if I am.
I am have a three yr relationship with my boyfriend that has traversed a lot of ground. We have talked about the fact that i was raped. The fact that I tried to push him away. etc. He is very supportive...but not sympathetic. He tells me what I need to hear not what I want to hear.
I do not think the issue lies with him but perhaps with my past?
I am unclear on a lot of issues. I have a heard time identifying feelings or validating my feelings sometimes (which I tihnk is a symptom of codependency)
I used to have panic attacks...I blamed it on hypoglycemia or asthma. However, this was before I was raped. so, my guess was that there was something even before this. However I thought I lived in a supportive family. I spent a lot of time playing sports and reading. The reading because it was an escape and sports because they were a physical release for me.
I guess what I am looking for is information on codependency...or am i just deppressed with low self esteem?

February 15, 2000
1:09 pm
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winter001
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i'm no expert, over the last 2 weeks i've learnt about, and read evrything i can find on the subject. there are a lot of sites that give you definitions, i think the hard part is that while you know, deep down that things arn't right, you can't put a finger on it. the things that stand out to me, i always believed that i came from a really close, tight family and that i had a great childhood. but you read other peoples stories and you start seeing your life in other peoples words. do you feel that? if i asked you what you want out of life? do you know straight away? if i asked when last you felt really happy could you tell me?

February 15, 2000
3:05 pm
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infaith
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tilley, I have come a long ways in my own healing and can offer you some great words that will really start you on your own path. A lot of people such as yourself feel that others have the answers to your own questions when you really have them yourself. You really need to own your own truth. By this I mean, first of all feel your feelings, identify and FEEL them. Depressed? whats under that? anger? grief? feeling resentful? etc..feelings, all feelings are precious and important..no such thing as negative.
Then express your feelings, do not suppress them, this creates confusion within yourseelf and gives away your power. You should not be feeling a certain way, you feel the way you do because your soul is telling you somethings need to be changed. Just as a body part aches or pains you when you resist healing or taking care of it..understand.
Do some journalling and come back and tell me/us what you have discovered..:)
God bless

February 19, 2000
5:02 pm
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Izzywizzy
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Tilley ... you sound like a person who's willing to take a journey and the risks that will come along with that. I really like what Infaith has written in reply to you, and agree totally with them ... feeling the way you do because your soul is telling you that something needs to be changed. Codependency is a bit like experiencing life through the feelings of another person, I think. Experience your feelings as your own, and seek to change whatever it is that you FEEL needs to be changed. Don't take ALL responsibility for your relationship on your own shoulders - responsibility for the relationship lies with both of you. You don't know what your partner's past experiences have been, and which elements of these experiences he brings to your relationship. It might be easier for him to agree that your experience of being raped is what is preventing the relationship from perhaps being all that it can be - but where does that leave him? Excused! I think you're right to want to explore your experiences further and to seek answers, but do it for yourself. Good luck!

February 23, 2000
6:28 pm
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Anonymous
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Tilley, I am so sorry about your past but so glad to hear you have such a caring boyfriend. I am Codependent.
Codependency to me, was explained in the best way by Earnie Larsen and I quote "Self-destructive learned behaviours that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or participate in loving relationships."
It is a disease about intimacy and low self esteem so you could easily be suffering from Codependence.
I attend CoDA meetings weekly and encourage you to return, for the information, support and encouragement to keep recovering.
Have you sought counselling for the rape? I'm sure that would help alot also. When we suffer from codependence and low self esteem and
even though we have had bad experiences and relationships in the past, sometimes we can "sabbotage" our good relationships of the present because deep down we believe that we are not really worth it.
Something to think about. Conveying our doubts and fears is not easy, that's why I find my CoDA group so great. Keep talking and communicating with your boyfriend and take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.

February 23, 2000
8:24 pm
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janes
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Someone who can honestly tell you what you NEED to hear? GOOD! (but so hard) I too have been thinking and reading a lot lately about codependency...There are so many good books about it out now...esp. Melody Beattie...ernie Larsen...Robert subby.
I too always felt I had a great family and childhood. but it's about more than that...
Somewhere I read that we are ALL codependent to a certain extent..
counseling for the rape (no matter how long ago) would be good too. Self esteem issues, anger issues...etc.

Take yourself to a large bookstore and sit down in the self help section for a while....

It sounds like you can make it sweetie...Keep loving yourself more and more and take care of your self first!!1
good luck

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